Feeling controlled

[AllAboutMargot]

I feel like my H is micro managing me.
Some examples, and these aren't one-offs, it's nearly every time I do these things.
I open a cupboard door, he says "what are you after?"
I get dressed, he says "Oh, I thought you'd have put your shorts on"
I'm cutting up some salad, he says "oh, I thought you'd have used the other knife"
I bring the shopping home, he says "there's not much there. I thought you'd have gone to Tesco"
I take the dog out for a walk, he says "oh, I thought you'd have taken him to the woods"
He's there at my shoulder, what seems like all the time..
He talks, constantly, and when I do start to speak he cuts me off and always thinks he knows what I was going to say.
He explains to me, in great detail, what his next DIY job is and what he's planning on doing that day.
He talks about people he's met while out, everything about them - where they live, what car they drive, what job they do, what dog they have.
Whenever he's achieved something he brings it up, repeatedly, that day and for several days afterwards. To start with I tell him how great he's done and that he should be pleased with himself because he worked so hard on it or it was a brilliant idea or outcome.

He's got so many good qualities but he's ruling my life and I feel suffocated.

Is he attention seeking?

I thought attention seeking too.

Do the same thing to him for a couple of weeks. When he explodes with irritation tell him that's exactly what it feels like for you

I'd have to say something. Just say that you know he might not realise he's doing it but it feels like he's questioning your every small decision. Then see if he changes this annoying trait. I don't think it's just chat if it's always in relation to something he thinks you should have done differently in his opinion. I would try and nip this in the bud before it gets any worse.

If dh mentions more than once a task he has completed I ask him if he wants a sticker...
Tell him you did xy or z because you are a grown up and you can. And that he can't argue about your decisions because you are <insert your age >not 6..
And acting like he is your bossy df isn't a quality you find attractive..

This sounds really annoying, it would really piss me off. Have you told him how it makes you feel? How did he react?

Maybe try nipping the cupboard questioning in the bud by saying 'I've forgotten - my train of thought has gone.'

I'm wondering if some men/women need constant input from their partner. Reassurance the partner is still communicating and so they come out with something/anything automatically - to confirm all is okay on the communication front, forgetting that constant and in effect 'meaningless' communication can be irritating or infuriating.

I guess one has to look at the bigger picture in the relationship to understand whether this behaviour is benign, or controlling and a means of making a partner account for their every action.

I can relate to this. My boyfriend is the same and it drives me potty.
If I leave the room he asks me where I'm going, the other day I came out of the loo and he asked me if I washed my hands! Why did I go out to the car, why am I still in bed. The list goes on!
Do you feel as though he is asking them to be controlling or is he just very inquisitive?
For me it feels controlling as if I'm a child!

This would get on my nerves.
Next time he gets dressed say "I thought you would be wearing shorts/trousers ." Keep doing it until he questions why you are doing it and tell him that this is exactly what he does to you.
as for the cooking, stop whatever you are doing and walk out of the kitchen saying "Ok, you do it then." And mean it. Do not go back to cooking you absolutely must make him suffer to make him change otherwise he will keep doing it.
have you spoken to him about how annoying his behaviour is?

Are you honest? Do you tell him yes I am ignoring you because I don't need your running commentary on my life and choices. It is exhausting and really exasperating to deal with all your questions and comments about every little thing I do.

Tell him clearly that you won't put up with this behaviour any more. Then if he does it again call him on it every time - I've told you not to do that because I don't like it. He will learn, it might take a while. Every. Time.

@blubbebubba

As in my example, you dust say 'no' and he most lingering will say 'ok then'. It's grinding, sure. Somebody asking if you're looking for the salt isn't abuse, it just isn't

Have you ever lived with someone who is like the OP's husband? There will many, many instances where you are asked what you're doing and they will feel entitled to an answer. It really wears you down in the end.

The first two examples I gave was of someone expressing disappointment. The other two could be unhealthy depending on the context, such as someone slowly depriving their partner of any friends and communicating their disapproval if the partner reaches out to them.

As I said in the first sentence of my post - It depends on the context and tone
It also depends on the regularity of what's happening. It's those features that will separate normal behaviour from unhealthy behaviour.

If you read my post again, you will notice that I did not label her husband as an abuser. Some behaviours are unhealthy, can be manipulative maybe, but I'm careful around the 'A' word.

@Sundaycoffee That would be a dealbreaker for me. It's intrusive and would make me feel like I am observed in a perti dish, or that you have a tag on you all the time. It's also infantilising. Fuck that. It's such a turn off.

I guess you can test if it's someone just being inquisitive or not by seeing how he reacts to you not answering and asserting some boundaries. If he sulks or reacts badly....he's keeping tabs on you and thinks he's entitled to the information, not being inquisisive.

Why did you go out to the car??? Honestly, these people are begging for stupid answers. The correct response is to explain how you feel, and see if he stops doing it. Failing that simply don't answer when he asks those things and if pushed for a reponse, say you will not longer be answering questions like that. I'd be tempted to say something like 'I went out to the car because I saw some leprechauns dancing around on the backseat'.

He's doing it to undermine you OP.
To make you question yourself, & defer to his superior knowledge/intellect/status.

I would answer, every time - "why are you interrogating me again?"
But only for as long as it took to sort out a divorce. Could NOT live with this, it would drive me round the twist.

My DP used to try and tell me how to drive. At junctions he'd be like, 'watch out for that red car' or he'd tell me to slow down when I was doing 29 in a 30mph. I talked to him about it and said I'm able to drive when he's not in the car so I don't need a driving instructor. He got the message. Now if he does it, I just counteract it by saying, 'would you like to walk?' He laughs and shuts up.

Unless there are deeper, bigger issues you haven't mentioned, then it just sounds like someone who can't shut up. Tell him how it makes you feel and then the next time he does it, just reply as others have said, E.g 'Because I didn't want to' etc.

That would drive me up the fucking wall.

Just answer "why?" to every single comment he makes, including the answers. Do this in as neutral a tone as possible, make it seem as if you genuinely want to know. After a while he will get so fed up with you continually asking "why" and him having to offer an explanation, he will stop making these inane comments of his.

It doesn't matter if he's controlling/interested/bored/anything.

You don't have to be accusing him of doing anything wrong to tell him that you don't like it when he does this.

Have you spoken to him about it? If so, what did he say? If not, what stops you?

Honestly, thank you all for responding, but especially to those who have genuinely understood what it is I'm living with.

I've tried many of the things suggested to cope with or deal with this behaviour (habit?). I haven't got the energy to keep turning this round and trying to get him to see it from my point of view. He just looks blankly at me and says it doesn't bother him and if it bothers me it's because there's something wrong with me.

I'm seriously considering my future with him. Sad to say, we've been married 29 years and this is getting worse.

God, my mum’s partner is EXACTLY the same.

He’s not officially diagnosed but I suspect he’s extremely anxious and OCD person, and a part of his anxiety is controlling and knowing what everyone is doing, and why it’s not done his way.

Had many arguments over the years with him.
Ignoring him just fuels more question, so I keep my answers short, sharp and slightly sarcastic.
He leaves me alone now.

I don’t know how my mother copes with it. As soon as I met him, I told her to leave him, but she stayed. She’s apparently likes him to control everything so she don’t have to. Ive know people to tell him to fuck off in his face, but he’s response it not what you’d expect. I sometimes think he thrives on being annoying.

I think he's just talking as well OP but I have to say just reading it made me feel anxious. Perhaps he does have anxiety issues and covers them up by incessant talking. A bit like a shy person who talks a lot to overcome the shyness?

Sounds like my lovely DH. He's clearly on the spectrum and it's how he copes. I ignore it.

Oh dear OP sounds exhausting! And 29 years! Well done for lasting that long. You say he’s gotten worse recently- is there any reason for that? Has he had reduced responsibility at work or something? These things sometimes get worse when there’s a sense someone is losing control in another part of their lives. That’s not to excuse it at all, but it may be a particularly annoying stress response.
I think you would be well within your rights to call it a day, life is too short to have someone standing over you like that!

However, a couple of strategies spring to mind which might work (maybe). The main thing is it seems almost like a tick he has so even if he agreed it’s not okay for him to do he still might need to be trained out of it.

1. when he says “I thought you would have…” don’t respond to this but within seconds say to him “I thought you would have…” about anything he’s doing. Not sarcastically, or angrily, just in the exact tone he said a similar thing to you, and just once in response to him doing it to you. It’s classic tit for tat and if you do it every time, he should soon learn that correcting you is not very satisfying. It will also give him immediate insight into how annoying it is to be questioned all the time.


2. another thing you could do is to calmly tell him you would like 10-15 minutes alone when he starts up. Again, no need to act irritated, just calmly ask if he could go into the other room for a while because you need some quiet time. If he’s not picking up on the other cues you put out there’s a chance that a direct instruction will be more effective for him.


3. When he is talking about things you are interested in and enjoy talking about, make sure to be really engaged and enthusiastic. This will make it easier for him to see the contrast between what counts as a good conversation versus a bad conversation with you. It makes the “good” conversations more rewarding for him.


4. sounds like he does have some issues around control, so maybe make sure there are projects and things he has total control over where appropriate that have nothing to do with you!

So you have spoken to him about it, but he doesn't see the problem and is therefore unwilling to change?

Unfortunately then the choice is either to accept that's the way he is, or leave him. It must feel very difficult to consider the latter after 29 years, but it sounds insufferable already and you say it's getting worse.

My ex was the same so I do empathise. It's incredibly suffocating and exhausting.

Sorry OP, but I would actually have to strangle him with my bare hands. It's like experiencing that constant nagging voice of the internal critic, but... real, external, in living human flesh, embodied by the very person who is supposed to support and encourage you in life!

I would explain to him how intolerable it is, and see his response. His willingness and ability to change would determine what my next move would be.

Oh gosh, I posted too soon. I've just absorbed the bits about him talking over you and bigging himself up endlessly.

As for this:
I haven't got the energy to keep turning this round and trying to get him to see it from my point of view. He just looks blankly at me and says it doesn't bother him and if it bothers me it's because there's something wrong with me.

I don't know where to begin assuring you that you don't need this kind of constant weight dragging you down in life. Cut yourself free from this block of concrete and swim to the surface for air!