Can anyone confirm I'm not being controlling?

[Littletikes41]

I have 3dc with with P, been together 4 years, on again off again. More off than on, but have now had enough and plan to leave. I believe he is an alcoholic and addicted to cocaine but he does not think he has a problem. He cannot keep a job longer than a few months, he usually gets sacked for constantly being late/not turning up due to being hungover and/or come down.

Every time he is unemployed he expects me to buy him drink/fags/drugs even though it leaves us without enough money to provide everything we need for our DC. I regularly borrow money off my parents to accommodate this. It leaves me in debt and I'm sick of it. I have told him it's not happening anymore.

He started his most recent job in February and he has been sacked already. Every day he is asking me for money but I simply cannot afford to pay all the bills and I'm not willing to accommodate his addictions.

He sold his car because when couldn't afford to keep up payments. He had over £3000 to buy a new car, to get him back and forward to work after he paid off the remaining finance on his car and buy a new one. He blew it in the space of a few weeks on drink and drugs.

He has a shift tomorrow in which he expects to use my car. He has just left tonight to go to his M's after I told him using my car isn't an option. He has been drinking and taking cocaine. If he is involved in an accident, which is highly likely, he could kill someone. I'm not willing to risk anyone getting hurt because he can't do without drink or drugs. It would also void my insurance.

He has spoke to his M, who is also an addict. They share drugs, and she seems to be of the opinion I am controlling, coercive and financially abusive. I have been NC with her for the majority of our relationshi as she enables him by constantly giving him money to fund their addictions.

I have told him it's over, but his reaction was to tell everyone how abusive I am. This is the case every time I try to break up with him. I know it sounds ridiculous but I need an outside opinion to tell me I'm doing the right thing, I'm not the abusive one in this relationship.

You're not controlling.

He's an abusive addict and you're enabling him.

You're both showing your children an unbelievably unhealthy relationship dynamic and giving them a high chance of replicating it and / or becoming addicts or alcoholics yourself.

He's clearly not going to step up. So you need to. By leaving him.

I know I am showing my children an unhealthy relationship, that is why I'm leaving. But he always tells me I'm the abusive one, taking DC away from their F. But now I'm more than certain their lives would be better away from him and his family. He makes me question .yself so much it's unbelievable.

I just wanted to see other people's opinions so I wouldn't be tempted to take him back again.

I don’t think you’re being controlling but I also think it’s irrelevant

any relationship over the age of 16 that’s on again off again isn’t a real relationship.
any man who is spending money whilst he can’t provide in any way for his family isn’t a man you want around.
any man taking drugs and drinking to that level isn’t a man you want around

stop viewing this as ‘trying to break up with him’ just break up with him.

I view it as me trying to break up with him because I feel as if I can't. He is at my door every day, he tells my DC I am the reason he is not here. Taking no responsibility for his part in anything.

He is doing his best in turning my DC against me when I'm trying to protect them.

Again op in the kindest possible way, stop trying then and actually do it

is it helping dc that you ‘break up’
then he does this for a bit
then he’s back, gets his own way, and they are unsettled and back with the drug addict dad before you start the cycle again?
no clearly not.

so don’t open your door to him, call the police if you need to. He is harassing you.
don’t let your children see him whilst he’s on drugs or drunk - which sounds like it may be all the time.

it doesn’t matter if he takes responsibility or not.
protect yourself and your children.

You are not controlling enough. I don't know what possessed you to have 3 dc in the space of 4 years with an alcoholic and addict in on and off relationship, but now is definitely time to exercise more control-get rid of him. Do you want an addict around your kids? This is all on top of serial unemployment /laziness

To be honest he has many issues, basically op, your better off single. All the best and positivity.

And yes as some posters have pointed out, why knowing all this, did you have three kids together ?

Why are you nc with his mum for enabling him when you’re enabling him as well? So are your parents indirectly when you have to borrow money from them because he’s spent your money on drugs or drink

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He's ponced off you long enough OP.

He's a complete waste of space. Who cares if he thinks you're controlling? Just ditch him!

Exactly as pp said, who cares what he thinks ?
Just get away from him, for your children's sake, if nothing else.

For the sake of you and your kids you need to actually leave him. Stop ‘trying’, just do it.

Stop being caught up in the micro denial of who is bitching about who and just remove your kids from this toxic situation.

There is a freedom programme you can do online if you are struggling to leave. He is clearly toxic, but the fact you have had 3 kids in an on and off relationship with an addict would indicate you also need to sort yourself out. The sooner you get on with this the better for you and the. Kids.

If the outcome you are hoping for is that he will change and become a non selfish, responsible person give it up right now. He will not change and given his mother has similar issues, his issues eill be deep seated and historic, he is enabled and his actions justified by a parent-you will not be able to overcome that.

If someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

I have told him it's over, but his reaction was to tell everyone how abusive I am

So what! Let him. If people believe it they'll be falling over themselves to give him a bed if he needs one. Gets him out of your hair.

I wish I could give you a big hug. Well done for deciding enough is enough. Support for you is really important. See if you have a local women's aid in your area. Google it and it should come up. They are amazing and so helpful. Xx

Next time he knocks, tell him to go away through the door. If he doesn't leave, ring the police to come and remove him. Do it every single time. He'll then start with the going for custody crap, they ALL do this. Tell him to see a solicitor when he does and get one yourself. It'll be bumpy getting rid of him (been there) but you will eventually if you stay firm.

Why do you think a word out of that woman's mouth means anything???

stop enabling him!! Make this 'OFF' the last one!!

if he wants to see the children HE needs to arrange for supervised contact at a centre, NOT at his mothers.

get whatever they're calling it now so he can't come to your house.

be strong!

Read what you have written and ask yourself if this was your friend’s circumstances what would your advice be?

Why are you settling for this arse? Next time he comes to your door tell him to do one and go back to his mother.

OP I too have been in the position of being accused of being controlling and on a 'power trip' when trying to set boundaries around handing over money for drugs and alcohol to a person who wouldn't / couldn't recognise their addiction or the serious financial problems it was causing. It was incredibly hurtful and confusing and hard to cope with.

I really do understand the need to confirm you're not the controlling one.

I'd bet it also comes with other emotionally abusive behaviour which leaves you questioning yourself and your sanity.

It is the right thing to say no to him but it's much easier said than done when someone is relentlessly persistent and then starts accusing. I was worn down with it all. Ending the relationship is really the only way out of this, as you know.

I just wanted to confirm clearly that you're not definitely not the controlling one here.

Leave and never look back. Well done to you for making the decision to leave. Too many women stay with awful men like this. Your kids don't need that sort of example in their lives. Don't let him manipulate you into staying.

This. 👏🏻

I have told him it's over, but his reaction was to tell everyone how abusive I am. This is the case every time I try to break up with him. I know it sounds ridiculous but I need an outside opinion to tell me I'm doing the right thing, I'm not the abusive one in this relationship

The only one that believes him when he said you’re abusive is his mother.

You need a plan, how old are the DC and do you trust him with contact? (I wouldn’t)
you need a valid reason to withhold contact from him, which if he is a drug addict and bad mouthing you I believe would count but more knowledgeable people on here would know. Have a single form of communication available for him, email probably best, send him one last text. ‘It’s over, you can contact me on x address for arrangements with the kids, I will check messages weekly on x do not turn up at my home unannounced, I will not answer the door and will call the police if necessary, any attempt to badmouth me to the kids or to turn up for contact under the influence of any substance I will withhold contact and you can take me to court to reinitiate it’

then block on all other forms of contact.
also get in touch with cms you won’t get anything as he’s unemployed but it’s in place should he change.

Ok, he told other people you are abusive… it is annoying and unsettling but keep this in mind:

people who do know you won’t believe him, people who don’t do not matter

You are the opposite of controlling, you should be proud you finally found the strength to come out if such a toxic relationship, most people wouldn’t have put up with far less than that or subsidising a drink and drug habit so don’t even consider taking him back, he is ruining you and your children!

I'm trying not to state the obvious but you've got 3 kids in 4 years so it's highly likely they won't understand what he is saying to them anyway as they are all under 3.5 years old

Just leave him. He can go live with mummy