Can anyone confirm I'm not being controlling?

[Littletikes41]

I have 3dc with with P, been together 4 years, on again off again. More off than on, but have now had enough and plan to leave. I believe he is an alcoholic and addicted to cocaine but he does not think he has a problem. He cannot keep a job longer than a few months, he usually gets sacked for constantly being late/not turning up due to being hungover and/or come down.

Every time he is unemployed he expects me to buy him drink/fags/drugs even though it leaves us without enough money to provide everything we need for our DC. I regularly borrow money off my parents to accommodate this. It leaves me in debt and I'm sick of it. I have told him it's not happening anymore.

He started his most recent job in February and he has been sacked already. Every day he is asking me for money but I simply cannot afford to pay all the bills and I'm not willing to accommodate his addictions.

He sold his car because when couldn't afford to keep up payments. He had over £3000 to buy a new car, to get him back and forward to work after he paid off the remaining finance on his car and buy a new one. He blew it in the space of a few weeks on drink and drugs.

He has a shift tomorrow in which he expects to use my car. He has just left tonight to go to his M's after I told him using my car isn't an option. He has been drinking and taking cocaine. If he is involved in an accident, which is highly likely, he could kill someone. I'm not willing to risk anyone getting hurt because he can't do without drink or drugs. It would also void my insurance.

He has spoke to his M, who is also an addict. They share drugs, and she seems to be of the opinion I am controlling, coercive and financially abusive. I have been NC with her for the majority of our relationshi as she enables him by constantly giving him money to fund their addictions.

I have told him it's over, but his reaction was to tell everyone how abusive I am. This is the case every time I try to break up with him. I know it sounds ridiculous but I need an outside opinion to tell me I'm doing the right thing, I'm not the abusive one in this relationship.

I'd be getting some of this down in writing to him in an email as an audit trail. Because if he does go down the court route in the future, you would be better to have a record in place otherwise he will claim you are retrospectively making it up.

'I am not prepared to lend you money because you are spending it on drugs.'

'No, I am not prepared to lend you my car because of your history of to driving whilst under the influence of drugs'

'please stop saying to the dc that I am breaking up the family. It upsets them, and as we both know, the reason our relationship is over is your substance abuse issues and inability to hold down a job.'

Don't do it all at once - it will be too obvious. But you will probably need to rely on it in writing in the future.

Freedom programme for you !
your in no way to blame
however the fact he even even managing to make you think you are …..
concerns me

you need to get your head 100% clear
he’s a bad egg of the highest degree and no contact would be optimal

And what happens if he does tell everyone you are abusive? You go on and provide decent parenting for the kids. He is a chaotic mess and does irreparable harm. Who do you think they are going to believe then?

The best revenge is living well.

As pp said freedom programme and if his behaviour is bad enough take out a nonmol!

Such an unhealthy environment for you and your DC

No not at all. The controlling factor is his addiction and alcoholism. He is abusive and uses family money to fund his feckless lifestyle at his children's expense. His mother is equally enabling.

You are not being abusive.

You also don’t need his agreement to end the relationship. Stop trying to persuade him that your reasons for ending it are valid. It takes 2 people’s continued consent to be in a relationship. It’s OK to just withdraw your consent and tell him it is done.

As a op said, you aren’t being controlling enough.

supervised access sounds necessary too, if he’s always taking drugs or drink.

See a solicitor.

Of course you aren't being controlling and abusive...but why are you worried what this drunk cocaine addict thinks of you?

Removing children from an abusive parent (which he is) is far from controlling or unfair, or bad for the children. In fact it's the only right course of action.

You are doing the right thing leaving him. For you and especially and most importantly for your children. Please make it permanent, and don't waste any more of your life, and your children's lives (and money) on this man who won't take responsibility for his own life. He is happy to drink / snort / whatever money that could be making his children's lives better. He cares of noone but himself.

That means his opinion is irrelevant.

So what if he tells people you're abusive? I'd much rather be away from an abusive and have people talking about me, than in an abusive relationship. And as pp have said, people who know you (and him) will knwow the truth. It can't have escaped people's notice that he's forever getting fired? They must know he drinks? Know he's unreliable? So, most people won't believe a word he says. But even if some do, so what? Which matters more - what some people think or your children's wellbeing?

I know you've decided to leave, and good for you. It is 100% the right thing to do. Don't waiver because of his ridiculous threats. He's just worried that the cash cow that allows him to use drugs and drink to excess is walking away, and he'll do anything to frighten / bully / coerce you in to staying. Even if it's damaging for you and his own children. He doesn't care about that.

Why do you have three kids with him after you've been in an on-off relationship for 4 years? How is that even possible?

And what made you think this waste of space would be a good dad?

Christ. Do the Freedom Programme. Get him out. Claim for CMS, for what it's worth. Tell him he's not getting a penny more from you for any reason, then block him.

Do you think the Dc should see him? Are they safe with him? I'd get legal advice about that too.

Breaking up with someone, or expecting decent behaviour from your partner, are not abusive . What an idiot he is. Don't waste another minute on this utter loser!

There is no try.. there is do or do not. Stop trying to break up. Break up, Google grey rock, do that and move on.

Of course you are not being controlling. You are trying to protect your children and you need to press ahead with this.

Continue with this and this time see through your wish to leave this fuckwit. Get rid of him by any means possible. Call the police if you need to. He can go to live with his equally fuckwitted mummy.

Dd is 4 and we have 2yo twin boys. When we first got together he rarely drank. The problem started when I was pregnant with Dtwins, and his Df attempted suicide. His Df was unwell for a long time and sectioned. This is when the drinking started, he was stressed and used drink to cope. I didn't realise how bad his drinking was until after I had Dtwins but I really didn't know how to handle the situation so I focused on Dc and let him get on with it. Now he is drinking almost every night of the week.

The on again off again started from after Dtwins were born and I realised how bad things had got for him.

No it really doesn't matter what he is saying about me but he has a way of twisting things and making me out to be the bad one to the point I end up apologising. If he wants to go and get drugs and I say no, he completely ignores the fact that the drugs are the issue, says he wants to go and see his friend but I am stopping him. If I don't want him to drive the car the day after he has been drinking/taking cocaine he says he is only going to see his mum. She is a lonely old woman who needs company and I'm damaging their relationship by stopping him. He says I won't be happy until he has no friends or family left. If he goes to buy drink and I tell him not to come back here with it, he tells me I can't make him homeless every time I don't get my own way. He makes me feel sorry for him so he can do whatever he likes. I don't want yo be the horrible person he is making me out to be.

My parents haven't been aware of his addictions until this week after I told Dm everything. They have been encouraging me to leave since they found out.

I will look into the freedom programme, I have never heard of it before.

The house is his. I packed our essentials this morning and moved back in with my parents until I can figure out my next move. I haven't heard from him, I'm not sure he even knows we've left.

Well done @Littletikes41 sending you strength, you can do this.

I was thinking the same, like I know people get in to bad situations, and especially with his addictions and any abuse, kids can happen. But to of had 3 within the space of 4 years, that's a lot!

Good on you for starting the first course of action, by getting out of that house.

My most recent post explains things.

Well done OP, it can’t have been easy to leave with 3 small children.

Can you stay at your parents until you can find somewhere else to stay ?

You need to go back ASAP with a male relative and collect the rest of your belongings, in case he destroys them.

Can you afford a private rented place ? If not you need to present as homeless to the council first thing Monday .

Sorry, op, I didn't see your last post before I posted.

Well done for leaving - that takes strength. I wish you and your dd all the very best.

Sounds like we were with the same man !!
to all the people saying “just leave” obviously haven’t been with an abusive addict and I’m happy for you.
it takes massive bravery to go when you are being controlled like this and emotionally abused. ( I was physically abused too)
PLEASE find it in you to get out.
I’m new to this place but if there’s a way to private message and you want to, feel free x

Sorry to hear you went through same thing. I hope you are OK. It is difficult to leave, especially when they turn everything and make you out to be the bad one and somehow end up feeling sorry for them.

As silly as this sounds there are also addicts and there's addicts if that makes sense.weve had an addict,went through fucking he'll with them.they pushed and hurt and did some things together we never thought possible.but still somewhere was our person,there was a reason we all stood by them and stood together.and not because they wanted to get better even.there was just intrisic knowledge they the fight was worth it. They were appreciative,a good person underneath it all.there illness was no way their fault and it showed.they were desperate if they could to stop.and they didn't abuse us in that sense along the way.an addict does not come with abusive personality.manipulitive perhaps,a little selfish,hurtful it can seem too but not abusive.big difference.
It sounds like his whole family have deep seated issues.
But you are the only break in the chain op that stops this lifecycle continuing for your own children.
Let him tell them things,eventually they will work out the lies.im sure they already do.this might make them act out more because of their age they just want to feel safe and deep down this situation they know and feel is not so.they won't feel on stable ground and their behaviour and souls will suffer.
And you can keep telling them in ways they understand that daddy is lying,he's poorly so makes him say bad untrue things about mummy.how his poorliness means you need to keep them safe somewhere else.
Then fill their lives with love.do stuff that makes them feel you got them again.
What are your favourite things to do together.do it.lots of it.help your heart heal too.
Don't believe him.your gut tells you you can't and don't.
He's not showing any sign of remorse or care or pain from his addiction,only when it doesn't serve him in which he blames you.thats not all addiction that a nasty ass.who happens to be an addict.
Would someone who loves you say do and make u feel this way?
Keep talking on here,to your parents we can help keep ironing out the thoughts with you.

Plus it's all about rewiring.with anything it takes you doing it again and again until it's not so hard to say no to him.but don't stumble if you feel it's too hard.just do it again and again and itl become so much better.

Your behaviour is a reaction to his terrible behaviour. And now he's trying to make out it's your behaviour that is the problem when the true problem is his drug and alcohol use and not being able to hold down a job to support his family. The terms gaslighting.

Not allowing him to use family money to buy drugs.
Not allowing him to use the family car when he's not fit to drive.
Read that back - no one would see that as Unreasonable.

Not allowing someone money or to use the car could be considered controlling behaviour in very DIFFERENT circumstances.

You are 100% right. LeVe this man and build a better life for you and your children.