If you read this, please help me.

[MedeeaBond]

I will start with the beginning.
I have been in a relationship with a man for 5 years. We have a 3 year old together. Our child is autistic, and so is my partner.

My partner is the sole bread winner in the family, (I have quit my job during pregnancy with the view to return to work once nursery starts) and because he believes in ‘traditional’ family values- he feels the entire responsibility of housekeeping and childcare relies entirely and solely on me. He was raised in such a household himself.

I do my best at doing everything to do with the child, and he taps in and out whenever fits him. I cook, I clean, I do laundry and I am with my son 24/7. He does not go to nursery yet, so it’s just me, and it is exhausting to not be able to have an hour in the day to myself and not be able to rely on him at all.
I cry when I see dads in the car with their kids. My partner doesn’t know (and refuses to learn) to buckle up our child’s car seat.

On top of it all, whenever something feels untidy in the house, he threatens with separation- saying he cannot live in an untidy environment which myself and our son create.
He threatened me again last week, and I chose to believe him and accept it this time.

I am ridden with anxiety and emotional panic because of the consistent need and effort on my end to prove my value to him over the past 5 years, senselessly.
I cannot do this any longer for one second- and I need to get out.

My therapist suggested that I ask him for a proof of his commitment in the form of marriage as the insecurity of the relationship is what scares me, but I resent him beyond words to even begin to imagine myself married to him for the way he has been treating me and his sense of entitlement in the family home, solely and entirely based on the fact that he is bringing in the money.

I am done with being and feeling rejected, unworthy and disposable- and as much as I want to follow my therapists advice, I can’t.
I just want out.

I’m posting this because I am desperately needing reassurance so that I feel strong in my decision moving forward. Please, please help.

Thank you from my heart.

Your gut instinct is absolutely right OP. He is no partner to you, or father to your child. Leaving is 100% the right thing to do.

What support do you have in place in real life to enable you to leave?

Your therapist suggested you marry him?! You need a new therapist!

start making plans to separate op. This isn't a healthy relationship.

Your therapist is dreadful. You need a new one, and to leave the abusive bloke.

Gosh where did you meet this catch. Get rid of the therapist for sure

You need a new therapist. Your gut is right, get out of the relationship because that is no way to live.

Do you have family near to you?

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
I think this isn't going to work. Him not even learning to buckle his child car seat is almost diabolical. He can be raised however he wants but please please don't raise your son like this too. Parents have equal responsibility over their child.
Run far, far away from this man. You've got this

Get a new therapist and then a new partner (or go solo).

Jesus Christ, you need to sack your therapist once you’ve got rid of your useless partner. Won’t learn how to buckle his child into a car safely!? Please trust your instincts here.

Hi lovely, thank you so much for your words. Your advice is dipped in gold to me.
Apart from the financial support from him (which he has agreed to) I do not have anything else. Because he is in the top earning threshold, I cannot even claim benefits.

Our son is starting nursery in September and I will restart work then too.
I just feel like I cannot focus, think, relax, LIVE while I am in this situation and with this man.
I need it to be over so I can start my life again.
It has been on hold for 5 years. It’s enough now.

Get a better therapist and then get a better partner.

Your gut is 100% right. 💐

No, my family and my parents live in a different country. I will, however, as soon as I have moved, fly my mother over for support.
I have had my mother come over periodically but whenever she comes he makes her feel terrible (last time she made her cry) so I have stopped asking her to come.

Ditch your partner and therapist. Neither are doing anything good for you right now and getting married would just be digging yourself into a bigger hole.

Your therapist is not helping. You can do it! Start dreaming about it, your freedom is there even if you can't leave right away. This is an awful abusive relationship, you must feel very vulnerable and I'm so sorry ❤️

Just sending my sympathy, OP, and agreeing with everyone else here. He is no good for you or your child. And your therapist sounds worse than useless. You would be better off without them.
Good luck in building a happier life for yourself and DC. xx

This is my last journal entry to my therapist, and in our session, after reading these notes, he suggested the marriage proposition to make the relationship more ‘stable’:

“Hi Thomas, this is very difficult for me to type but I will try.
XXXXXXX has made me feel so insignificant and bad about myself I can only put it into the emotional abuse category.

To give you some raw examples, when I was breastfeeding he was asking me why I am doing it so much, why I have my breast out, why am I always with my 'tits' out every time he sees me.
Two days after I gave birth, he asked me, to my face, in disgust, why do I still look pregnant.
During the pregnancy he would not, out of principle, take the rubbish out, so while I was 7 months pregnant we had a maggot infestation in the kitchen, and I had to clean it all by myself and take the heavy rubbish bins out. I was gagging the whole time. If I wasn't heavily pregnant, I would've left him that day.
This is someone who buys himself hundreds of thousands worth of luxury cars, owns multiple properties and is a self made wealthy individual.

During the lockdown he has walked past me while I was washing the rubbish bins, with a beer in hand, asking me to join him in the sun. I said I couldn't as I was working. Later that day he made fun of how I looked in housework clothing.
Later that same week, he complained about my lack of contribution to the relationship and he has forever complained about my lack of ability to 'run the house' to his liking, albeit all I do is run the house and our lives and help him out with his affairs (he JUST HIRED a PA (personal assistant) who has now taken some of my load but until now, I was his chef, cleaner, PA, surrogate, babysitter, therapist, nutritionist, health advisor, negotiator, spokesperson, gardener…)
The home we live in is a large family home of 5 bedrooms that I was expected to prepare for guests, clean, tidy and maintain most of the time.
He paid me pocket money each month, a modest sum for me to have spending money, which also fed into his ego/God Complex and fed the unhealthy parent-child dynamic in the relationship.

He consistently tells me my feelings and emotions are out of whack and that I might feel different tomorrow when I say I can't take it anymore and I can't be in this relationship any longer. He did it tonight. I expressed how I feel like I don't belong, how this instability is giving me great physical and emotional stress.
He brushed it off, saying let's talk about it tomorrow now let's have a sleep together. And invited me in bed with him.

I obviously refused and I am going to sleep in a guest room, I just wanted to share how I feel.
I have been wanting to leave this relationship for years now but each time I circle back after deep discussion and promise of change.
He is a natural master manipulator and he somehow manages to make it about me, with me being the nuisance- saying he is the one who can't live with me- which in turn, wants me to prove him the opposite, so I choose to stay and give it another go.
I have so had enough now, this is taking a toll on my health and I must stay healthy for my little one.”

Is this a real one?

Exactly, I have already taught my 3 year old son to clean after himself as his father won’t even put his plate in the dishwasher (he says, ‘out of principle’) as if that is something to be proud of.

Oh sweetheart. He sounds like a knob - sorry.

you deserve much much better than him.

make plans to leave, you will feel like a huge weight has been lifted. While your sorting things get a new therapist!! X

Leave and go to your parents country. This is not a decent man.

Your therapist has given you poor advice. The only thing you should listen to is your gut....

Hi, yes- this is real, this is my real life situation. Is it that ludicrous that it sounds surreal?
And all this time, he convinced me I was crazy and I should be thankful and grateful for my situation.

I am really sceptical that a therapist told you to ask for marriage - therapists are not generally there to tell people what to do. You are clearly unhappy, so sound way overdue to leave.

Did he set you up with the therapist too? How does he feel about you seeing a therapist?

No, I found my therapist on BetterHelp, he is American- and yes his exact advice was to gently have him think about how he can offer me a more ‘secure relationship’ (subtly hinting to marriage, effectively)- and THEN argue about housework. (I mean, seriously?)

But you are all correct, I will delete this app and find a U.K. based therapist that can support me better.