If you read this, please help me.

[MedeeaBond]

I will start with the beginning.
I have been in a relationship with a man for 5 years. We have a 3 year old together. Our child is autistic, and so is my partner.

My partner is the sole bread winner in the family, (I have quit my job during pregnancy with the view to return to work once nursery starts) and because he believes in ‘traditional’ family values- he feels the entire responsibility of housekeeping and childcare relies entirely and solely on me. He was raised in such a household himself.

I do my best at doing everything to do with the child, and he taps in and out whenever fits him. I cook, I clean, I do laundry and I am with my son 24/7. He does not go to nursery yet, so it’s just me, and it is exhausting to not be able to have an hour in the day to myself and not be able to rely on him at all.
I cry when I see dads in the car with their kids. My partner doesn’t know (and refuses to learn) to buckle up our child’s car seat.

On top of it all, whenever something feels untidy in the house, he threatens with separation- saying he cannot live in an untidy environment which myself and our son create.
He threatened me again last week, and I chose to believe him and accept it this time.

I am ridden with anxiety and emotional panic because of the consistent need and effort on my end to prove my value to him over the past 5 years, senselessly.
I cannot do this any longer for one second- and I need to get out.

My therapist suggested that I ask him for a proof of his commitment in the form of marriage as the insecurity of the relationship is what scares me, but I resent him beyond words to even begin to imagine myself married to him for the way he has been treating me and his sense of entitlement in the family home, solely and entirely based on the fact that he is bringing in the money.

I am done with being and feeling rejected, unworthy and disposable- and as much as I want to follow my therapists advice, I can’t.
I just want out.

I’m posting this because I am desperately needing reassurance so that I feel strong in my decision moving forward. Please, please help.

Thank you from my heart.

I am in the process of leaving now, yes… hardest times of my life, but I am doing it, I am moving forward.

Well done @MedeeaBond we're all behind you hope you're ok

So glad you are leaving he is a calculating and dangerous man.

Babe.....you need to get out of that relationship. Been there, still have the scar on my lip that reminds me each morning. One things leads to another. Take care babe xx

If he's one of the top earners can you not get some help in to do all the housework and start getting your life back and an exit plan? You sound way bogged down in the drudgery of housework to be able to see a way out. Hope you manage to find some balance soon xx

So very happy to hear you are leaving him. Stay strong, read this thread back to validate your concerns that this is NOT normal, not acceptable and not conducive to your happiness and well-being nor the happiness of your child. Happy Mum, happy son.

Get out, get out, get out. Repeat to yourself!

Am a bloke myself, & your ex partner sounds like a horrible, sadistic, bullying embarrassment to men. He won't improve. Get out of there and never look back. And make sure you get a good lawyer and a fair level of financial support!

Fuck your therapist.

Take him up on his offer and pack his bags for him.

He'll not change, especially with an Autism diagnosis.

I understand why the therapist wants you to marry him, if you were married you can have a much stronger claim to his wealth. You should only agree to be a stay at home mother if you are married otherwise you really need your own career.

Which part of the world exactly are you from, else where in Europe ?

Do not let this mans penis anywhere near you, it’s bad enough that one kid already has to have him as a ‘father’, ffs. He’s not traditional at all, traditional people don’t impregnate girlfriends. He’s a basic abuser, nothing special, utterly worthless.

You can’t be dependent upon a boyfriend, he could make you homeless at any point, you need to get a job, urgently.

Why are people suggesting lawyers? They’re just boyfriend and girlfriend- zero legal protections, the abuser will just pay maintenance for the kid.

Get a job and leave.

Hi all, I can't thank you enough for your input. I read every comment with great interest and I do, indeed, come back to your comments to validate my choices.

I did not believe that one can be both autistic AND a narcissist, but surprise... I discovered that IT DOES exist, and my soon-to-be ex-partner is one fine example.

As part of his controlling nature, he denies me the option of getting a full time job as our child is in my primary care when we separate- and I must dedicate myself to him.
As an alternative, I will be starting part-time employment and I am slowly but surely easing off and out of this nightmare of a situation.
For now, we agreed a 2 year mid-term property lease, paid for by him, for me and my child to live in. My plan is to earn enough over the next couple of years to be able to get my own place so that he does not have that power over me. Empowering him by allowing him to pay for our home, bills and etc. is the worst I can do- as he takes full, unapologetic advantage of it through coercive control over who is allowed to come over, how long my family and friends can stay for, no male visitors, etc.

He will continue to support our child through child maintenance, but ultimately, I want that to be it- and nothing more to do with me.

The toll that this experience has taken on my mental health is undiscribable. I have become a carcass; a ghost of whom I used to be- drained and exhausted, confused and apathic. I need to effectively rebuild my whole sense of self and restore my confidence and my identity.

The fact that he was in his 50's and divorced when we met did feel like a giant red flag and I should've backed off, but I was hopelessly captivated by his charm and the illusions he allured me with- and the 'future together' that he sold me.

I know what 'I should've done', but when you speak about marriage in the first 6 months and they say that they do want to get married again in future but they just need time, you wait and you give them time. Financially, yes I am worse off for not getting married and for him refusing to sign any co-habitation agreement, but on the other hand- I am grateful that I get to call it now without the added layers of divorce, formalities, more history together or more children- and without giving him the privilege of becoming my husband.

I believe that every experience is different, but my experience is that if a partner refuses therapy and they are diagnosed with autism while trying to be in a romantic relationship, it is a sign to take a step back, reasses and move on- because the alternative is you wrecking your brains trying to BECOME the therapist, the coach, the solution finder, the planning architect, the peace maker and keeper- but you will fail, again and again, because you are alone in this.

Thank you all for being there for me on this journey. Sending you all a virtual 🤗

I am autistic (nhs diagnosed Asperger's and so are 2 out of my 5 living children and it can be hard sometimes)
your partner is an arsehole using his autism as an excuse. This out if principle crap is also quite ridiculous. While some of his comments could at a push be autistic (why do you look pregnant being one, I was genuinely surprised that some ladies still looked pregnant after giving birth when I was in my 20s and in hospital having my second son...although I had enough sense not to ask them )
I am so sorry you had to go through all the stuff you described to your therapist.
I have no practical advice as I don't know how much protection just living with someone offers you as opposed to being legally married but I hope things work out for you .

You are being so brave and so strong. You are doing the absolute best for your son by getting out of this relationship.
The end of a relationship brings out so many different emotions. It can be so painful. Please give yourself time. You won't just feel better quickly. Accept its going to hurt but it will be the best thing you have ever done. It will get better and you will have a much brighter future with your little boy. Try not to dwell on this man's issues, the autism narcissism etc. Think more about how you have had a lucky escape from years and years of unhappiness and abuse like many women suffer.

Please speak to womens Aid - coercive control is now a crime.

You don't have to live in that place if you don't want to.