If you read this, please help me.

[MedeeaBond]

I will start with the beginning.
I have been in a relationship with a man for 5 years. We have a 3 year old together. Our child is autistic, and so is my partner.

My partner is the sole bread winner in the family, (I have quit my job during pregnancy with the view to return to work once nursery starts) and because he believes in ‘traditional’ family values- he feels the entire responsibility of housekeeping and childcare relies entirely and solely on me. He was raised in such a household himself.

I do my best at doing everything to do with the child, and he taps in and out whenever fits him. I cook, I clean, I do laundry and I am with my son 24/7. He does not go to nursery yet, so it’s just me, and it is exhausting to not be able to have an hour in the day to myself and not be able to rely on him at all.
I cry when I see dads in the car with their kids. My partner doesn’t know (and refuses to learn) to buckle up our child’s car seat.

On top of it all, whenever something feels untidy in the house, he threatens with separation- saying he cannot live in an untidy environment which myself and our son create.
He threatened me again last week, and I chose to believe him and accept it this time.

I am ridden with anxiety and emotional panic because of the consistent need and effort on my end to prove my value to him over the past 5 years, senselessly.
I cannot do this any longer for one second- and I need to get out.

My therapist suggested that I ask him for a proof of his commitment in the form of marriage as the insecurity of the relationship is what scares me, but I resent him beyond words to even begin to imagine myself married to him for the way he has been treating me and his sense of entitlement in the family home, solely and entirely based on the fact that he is bringing in the money.

I am done with being and feeling rejected, unworthy and disposable- and as much as I want to follow my therapists advice, I can’t.
I just want out.

I’m posting this because I am desperately needing reassurance so that I feel strong in my decision moving forward. Please, please help.

Thank you from my heart.

"the consistent need and effort on my end to prove my value to him over the past 5 years"

Oh lovely... you could do this until you die. It won't make any difference. If his autism causes his thinking to be so rigid there's nothing really you could ever say or do to make him see that. It's how he's hardwired.

It's like arguing with someone who sees the sky as pink, that it's actually blue.

He is fine with it, I have sorted therapy as I need to learn how to be a better mum to my autistic son and I needed to know if I can be a partner to an autistic partner.
I can continue to be a mum, but just to the child, not to the adult too.

You can claim benefits as soon as you 'separate' even if under the same roof. You just have to tell them the situation and that you can't move out yet.

Is the therapist suggesting marriage so that when you divorce you have equal rights to the family home?

Agree wholeheartedly with this.

Sorry you are in this position but PPs are all correct

Why do you need to learn to be a better mum when you already do everything?

The therapist did not tell you to get your partner to propose or say you needed to be married. It is not fair to imply otherwise. If you went in saying you wanted this relationship to work it was reasonable for him to suggest a conversation with your partner about wanting more security in the relationship, so someone not saying he was going to leave whenever things were not as he wants for example. Clearly you have realized this relationship is not working, or going to change. You have made your decision, and from what you have said it sounds like the best one for you. Good luck with it.

Can I ask if there is a cultural issue at play here, in his expectation that he be exempt from all responsibilities except bringing in an income? Are his traditional views part of a cultural expectation re husband/wife roles? Have you friends/allies in this country? Your situation sounds dreadfully unhappy.

Because the needs of an autistic child differ to the needs of a neurotypical child. Therefore, the way we communicate to the child and parent the child needs to differ too. I don’t have the skills or the tools to communicate effectively, so I needed help

I also needed it for my own mental health as it gets isolating and frustrating when you have a non-verbal child that will not respond. Managing those emotions are crucial.

Therefore, yes, I needed a therapist to be a better mum to my son. And quite frankly, I will always strive to be a better mum, no matter how much I do for him already.
Thank you for your input and best of luck in your mothering journey.

I'm not saying this isn't but I'm western and only been with UK men and every single one has thought the same, it's woman's work (and I'm only in my 30s!). I'm now single and clearly made bad choices!

Hi, thank you for your questions- the difference would be the age gap. He is nearly 2 decades older than me. His mother raised him this way too, so not so much culture (he is VERY English), it is more education and his own precedent.

all I can say is i hope you look forward to the feeling of massive relief once you leave him. It will feel like a weight lifted and your confidence will return. Regardless of his autism he sounds senseless and arrogant and belittling. I hope you protect your son from feeling the way you do.‘and know that a relationship with him would be damaging

My therapist suggested that I ask him for a proof of his commitment in the form of marriage as the insecurity of the relationship is what scares me

This is absolutely unacceptable and unethical of a therapist to suggest. For any relationship, let alone one that is so unhealthy and unhappy.

Nobody's mental health trumps their partners. You cannot make yourself smaller, unhappier and compliant in order to adhere to your partner's demands - it will at best make you (rightly) resentful and anxious, and at worst it will see you turn into a shell of your actual self.

I have had my mother come over periodically but whenever she comes he makes her feel terrible (last time she made her cry) so I have stopped asking her to come.

This is very likely strategic on his part. He is causing your loved ones to pull back so that you're isolated, have less support and feel more reliant on him and less sure about whether his behaviour is 'that' bad.

It IS that bad.

You're being abused.

Never, ever speak to that therapist again. They are facilitating your abuse.

If you stay with this man, no matter what you think you're teaching your son by encouraging him to clean up etc, he WILL learn through your actions that it's acceptable for men to abuse women and that it's a woman's job to do what a man says. Because even if you tell him that's not true 100 times, you're showing him that it is in fact the case. And children listen to actions not just words when it comes to relationships.

Could you bear to see your son replicating this dynamic as an adult?

If you won't end the relationship for your sake, do it for your son.

In the meantime double up on contraception. Men like your boyfriend love it when you're vulnerable and less likely to leave which is why he tried to make you feel even more shit when you were heavily pregnant and when you had a newborn.

The best thing you can do for an autistic child is arguably providing a safe, stable and calm environment in which they can be supported in the ways they need individually.

You cannot provide that with this man.

Please don't waste any more of your life on him.

Someone will be along soon who is the exception to this rule but there's a reason some men choose to pursue women 20 years their junior. And it isn't because they see them as equals.

Hi there, I’m a mum to an autistic child and am myself. You need to appeal to his logical mind and say you need to get a cleaner in to help so that you can spend more time with your child to meet his needs. List all the things that your son needs and how his behaviours prevent challenges etc as evidence for why you need more help. Focus on the son and his needs. DP clearly doesn’t care about yours.

This should give you some breathing space. It’s true you can claim benefits if you live in the same house as someone you’re separated from but I doubt he will accept this.

What I would do is save as much as you can and plan well and then get out.

Your therapist’s suggestion on marriage is ludicrous from an emotional standpoint, but bears merit in terms of financial security for you and your child. You just have to ask yourself is his money - for you and the child - worth another few years of this crap.

Your therapist is shit and your husband is abusive. This absolutely does not have to be your life. You get precisely one life, every second that passes is not coming back, don’t let him eat up any more of your precious life.

You are in an abusive relationship and need to leave.

You will be so much happier you'll be kicking yourself you put up with it so long.

Life's too short, pack bags and go.

You are spot on, thank you, thank you from my heart.
I also did not mention that he has been pressing for child no2 to the point where he has convinced me to come off contraception so that we can give our child a sibling. In spite of me explaining while he was asking for a second one, that I would feel more secure if we had another child within the bounds of wedlock. He wants another child, but he doesn’t want marriage.

Adding it all up, you are absolutely right. He needs me to be as vulnerable and as scared as possible, and he wants to make it impossible for me to ever want to leave

You are so right. You are so incredibly right. 🙏🏻

'My therapist suggested that I ask him for a proof of his commitment in the form of marriage as the insecurity of the relationship is what scares me, but I resent him beyond words to even begin to imagine myself married to him for the way he has been treating me and his sense of entitlement in the family home, solely and entirely based on the fact that he is bringing in the money.'

Ok, ditch the therapist (what he/she has said is completely unethical) and then the bloke.

Hi OP, I'm sorry to hear your situation, it sounds very unhappy indeed.

You say your husband is also autistic - is he diagnosed, and if so does he accept his diagnosis?

The reason I ask is that, depending on when he was diagnosed and the support or not he received from his family to understand his differences and how to respond to the needs of other people, much of the behaviours you are describing could actually be autistic behaviours of which he is unaware of how extremely they affect you.

For example, autistics can have a very rigid understanding of roles based on their own upbringing. Changing such views is possible, but would require a lot of self awareness and probably being willing to seek professional help from a counsellor who specialises in working with autistic people and non-autistic partners.

The example of the bin you gave - which is truly disgusting and I really feel for you - could be a sensory-based refusal on your partner's part. It's possible he literally could not bring himself to do it, but if he didn't understand his own aversion he may have hidden it behind another reason for refusing.

The example you gave of an obsessive need for tidiness is a need for one of the autistic people I am close to.

I'm not trying to persuade you to stay with him, as you sound very much like you want to leave. I'm just saying, that as someone reading your thread who knows quite a lot about autism from my own family, this could be a strong contributing factor. I'm not saying it therefore excuses his behaviour, or that you should stay if you don't want to. I hope you find the right way through this painful situation

OP just leave, as soon as you can by any means necessary. Never mind who is autistic and who is just an arsehole, you are being manipulated and it will only get worse. Contact Women's Aid, a solicitor, a friend, anyone, but start making a plan to get out as soon as you can.

Ah yes, Betterhelp; I’ve not heard good things. Your therapist is appalling, complicit in encouraging you to bind yourself to an abuse man and is completely unethical. I pray the day will come when therapists will be strictly regulated and the barriers to entry will be raised (I say that as a therapist myself). Please ditch him and look at the BACP website for a counsellor accredited by them. Also Refuge has some useful information and signposting (apologies for the long link!). I hope you can leave and soon. Womens Aid can give advice about how to leave especially if you feel under threat. You deserve so much better.

www.refuge.org.uk/our-work/our-services/?gclid=CjwKCAjwtIaVBhBkEiwAsr7-c-x2esz95zh2tNNTrTX_YPWHl3hAE_6a4zNHnPgO5-mRPW8Asiu6pRoC0zYQAvD_BwE

Thank you so much for your lenghy impartial feedback. Yes, he is diagnosed, and yes, he has accepted his diagnosis- and based on that, he keeps my whole life and our son's life in the balance 'trying to figure out if I can live with you, or anyone', which I believe is hugely unfair.

Hanging on a thread like this is cruel, regardless of neurodiversity. Feeling permanently in a flight or fight and walking on eggshels as I do not know what I have done or left or forgotten to upset him for him to then treat me badly and threaten to end the relationship.
I have put one of my conditions, 1 month ago, for him to start therapy. It's been over 1 month, and he hasn't yet.

Because this relationship and his mental health is not a priority in his life. My asks, my requests, my needs- are not a priority in his life.

It is really sad, but it is the sad reality.
I believe in this case, autism, as much as it is a real factor, is being used as a scapegoat for his behaviour (very proudly, by him).

I have come tu understand and accept that, it is a very fine line and a very dangerous element of autistic romantic relationships. /
I can get over the insults to my face, over him commenting negatively on my physical appearance every chance he gets and other blunt things he says or does due to his condition- but when it comes to more crucial, foundational elements- that is where I draw the line.
Most people can only take so much.

By the way, I live in the US and am not sure it’s legal for the therapist, who is probably not licensed in the UK, to be treating you.

Consider filing a complaint against him
in his state. Every state has a licensing process and most also have a complaint process. Treating you without proper licensing where YOU live is likely an ethics violation. Once you file a complaint it will be investigated and and it will go on his record regardless of outcome. It won’t necessarily stop him at this point, but repeated complaints can show a pattern.

I so hope you’ve left @MedeeaBond …