Hello, I'm new here and I need some advice regarding my inlaws....

[nappynoonoo]

Hello a friend of mine has told me about this site, she said that you give good advice and have helped her loads, even just to allow her to sound off.

So here goes;
Dh and I have been married now for 4 years we have been together for 11 years and have know each other for forever. I always seemed to get on well with his mum and step dad but when we told them that we were together it all changed.

There have been so many instances where his mum and step dad have been nasty and horrible to me that I couldn't possibly go in to them all.

Recently however, since the birth of DD it has gotten so much worse, to the point that I really feel like I want to run away with DD and DH and never come back . DH has had 'words' so many times with his parents that we have both lost count, it makes no difference.

According to MIL I am a bad mother because I breast feed, because I'm starving DD and we don't know how much milk she is getting, even though she is putting on roughly 1 lb every 2 weeks (we get DD weighed every two weeks). Our HV say's that she is very happy with DD's progress. MIL has even go so far as to say that she will call social services to report me and that she will get custody of DD. DH went completely mad at her when she said this.

When I was giving birth to DD my mum was there with me and DH and MIL said that she should have been there too and how dare I have my mum there. I can understand to an extent why she would be upset but a girl needs her mum more that her MIL in that situation.

She refers to DD as her and DH's baby (sick).

She has complained that my mum helps me too much and is round at my house to often and that I should invite her (MIL) to my house when Mum is there. I told her that no one gets an invite to my house as my door is always open and that anyone is welcome any time.

She came round yesterday while DH was at the gym and called DD such a horrible name I cant even bring myself to type it, and I was so shocked that I didn't know what to say. I told my friend (The one who recommended this site) and she reckons that MIL is jelous of DD as she is the most important female in DH's life.

I cant tell what MIL wants, first she says she wants custody of DD then she is calling her names.

I need help, what do I do?

ignore her. don't think you can actually reason with her. just avoid seeing her, especially when your baby is so tiny and you need all your energy to look after her.

Blimey, that's awful. Since dh has tried to get her to stop being so bloody horrible, I think you probably have to cut her off, tbh. Have search on MN for threads about toxic parents - you'll find lots of people who have suffered from this sort of thing. (See 'search for messages' at the top of the page.)

i would tell her she is not welcome in my house.

YOU ARE THE MATRIARCH in your own home

remember that! you are alpha female in your house - no-one else.

if she wnts to see her grandchild - your dh can take her.

tell your dh you have washed your hands of her and to you she no longer exists. you dont want to talk about her and if she is to get a bdy card or xmas present then it is HE who must remember it.

tellhim you have to much shit to put up with without this weathered old bitch.

your MIL has issues that you cannot help her with . sounds like insane jealousy. tell her to report you to social services, they have better things to do than to take a happy, healthy, thriving child away from their parents! sounds like your breastmilk is doing all it should, and you are doing a fantastic job.

you can cut all contact

you can refuse to have them in your house

you can show them that you will not tolerate this nasty , controlling, aggressive behaviour anymore.

avoid her. in fact i would go so far as to tell her that she is no longer welcome in your house.

If your dh wants to see her that is of course his right but I wouldn't allow a woman like that anywhere near my child.

Can you move further away? I have always found the best way to get on with the IL's is to maximise the geographical distance between you and them...

My mil is a nightmare too, but not nearly as bad as that. I bet you're feeling pretty scared about the 'getting social services involved' threat? Even if she does ring them, you don't really have anything to worry about and they'll be upset with her for wasting their time.

But it doesn't make it any easier does it?

I think, since your dh has had words with her many times, you might have to consider spending less time with her. Possibly even cutting her out at some point. It's not very nice, but if she can't be civil towards you or your dd, and she doesn't contribute positively to your lives, then she has no right being in it.

Have you told your dh what she called your dd? What did she call her?

indeed rantmum me too. i have never gotten on better with my ILs than since we moved 300 miles away

She sounds bloody awful and you shouldn;t have to put up with any more of this behaviour.

If I was in your spot, I would tell DH that unless her bullying, rudeness and outright hostility stops, I wouldn't want anything more to do with her.

If he wants to take DD round to see her, that's his right as her dad, but I wouldn't want to be in her company until she changed her ways

On a particularly brave day () I might even onfront MIL myself, repeat back some of the things that she has said/ done to you and ask her what she would do if someone behaved like that towards her. She'll probably deny it or try to rationalise it, but if you can get her to be honest for a few minutes, she might see what a complete cow she's been to you.

Good luck! What a horrible situation.

you poor thing, what a *vile-sounding MIL. This does sound like a power struggle, she is jealous of you for being such a huge part of dh's life and jealous of dd for the same reasons. She feels supplanted. She is also jealous of your mum for having such a close relationship with you and dd. Tough that's the way it goes. Those of us with boys know that at some point, we will have to deal with this.
If you want to try and maintain a relationship with this woman (who obviously has some serious ishoos, you will need firm boundaries. Invite her (as this is obv a bone of contention) but set a strict time limit (Please come and have lunch with us but I have to leave at 2pm as dd has a swimming class or whatever).

Personally, I'd be running a mile. You need to have a really good talk with DH about what he thinks you can do about this.

She may be jealous, she may be insecure, she's definitely behaving appallingly. Can you hand the sit over to your DH completely to sort out (and make it clear that it needs to be sorted)? You don't need the stress and you shouldn't have to worry about her. I think an ultimatum is needed: either she behaves like a grandmother rather than a spoilt teenager or she doesn't see your DD.

If not, I agree with those that said that you need to stick up for yourself and your dd - the best option is to tell MIL that after her last comment to dd she is no longer welcome in your home. Be brave - she is bullying you because she knows she has you in a difficult position. Don't get you dh to do this - it needs to come from you and you need to stay calm, but firm.

dont disagree with the robust advice above.... but perhaps first you need to talk this through with dh.... what does he think of her recent behaviour? what does he think yoiu / he / both of you should do? you can still make your own decisions about what you are prepared to put up with from her and whether you end your relationship with her but it will be easier / better if you and dh present a united front..... dont let her come between the two of you. you / dh / dd are you most important family right now and she needs to understand this. if she cant act appropriately she will have to suffer the consequences of her awful behaviour. i have personal experience of all this.... good luck!

do people really think a woman like this has the right to see her grandchild? because personally i don't, and although I would totally respect dh's right to have a relationship with his mother, even if she was such a nasty bitch, I do not think that any child should have to have a relationship with someone that has threatened to have them taken away from their mother!

Hello nappynoonoo, welcome to mumsnet, or in my case, dadsnet! (I am a man).

Yes, you get lots of good advice here and sometimes the most succinct advice is the best and oranges got it spot on in just one sentence.

You sound like an incredible mum and what a gift you are giving your DD by breastfeeding her. Shame on your MIL for tapping into the main anxiety of breast feeding i.e. is the baby getting enough.

In my experience, the hardest thing for grandparents is accepting that their children now have their own family unit. That they are a family in their own right. Yes, your DH is still part of his family but he now has his OWN family and that can be difficult to accept for a parent. Also being a grandparent can throw up feelings of getting old, plus may even throw up insecurities about how they themselves brought their own kids up.

Finally, it is a simple reality that mum's mum will always see more of the new baby than dad's mum. This is something which is not always easy for the dad, nor his parents, but it is an imutable law and you should not feel in any way bad about it.

Tell your MIL that if you want your DD to have lovely relationships with all her grandparents and that you will try your best to give them all lots of quality time with her. But if she continues to make comments about social services and the such like, she will simply not be welcome round. You HAVE to assert your boundaries now, in the long term it will pay off.

And, contrary to what you say, do not have an open house. It is your house and people come when it is convenient for you. Having an open door is generous spirited but a recipe for disaster.

Good luck, we have all be there to a greater or lesser degree!!

Oh, and if she does tell social services, please let us know, just so we can all laugh at their reaction... ("I want to report my daughter in law, she is malnourishing my grand daughter". "Oh, ok, how". "Well she is breastfeeding and although the baby is putting on weight and the HV says she is great, I disagree". Perhaps we should have a competition as to what the social worker's response would be... once she has picked herself up from the floor!!!!)

Oh bless you, you must feel so tired of it all
Print off this thread and keep reading it OVER and OVER!!!!
What a nauseating self centred bitch she sounds.
I have had mil problems (not on your scale) and I am utterly worn down by it all.
Conserve all your energy for the most important people and you know who they are.You sound like a wonderful Mum

15 messages while I was typing my response!!!!

Wow, that was quick.

Tbh I have contemplated telling DH this, that I dont want anything to do with MIL, but she is still his mum and I wouldn't want to put any further strain on his relationship with her.
But you are right I will have to do that, to save my own sanity I think.

Custardo thats a really good idea, I'll tell Dh to take DD to see MIL and that way I can stay at home and relax for an hour or so.

She really is a toxic MIL (That is a good phrase). I'm as we got on together before me and Dh became an item. I really wanted to get on with her.

Ah, but you were a friend before and not a partner (therefore not competition) .

Hope things work out for you

I know how you feel hun. I wanted to get on with my mil and went above and beyond the duties of a dil for her to accept me. Only for it all to blow up in my face.

In the end I had to realise that she will never like me no matter what I do and she will not change. She likes being toxic.

And yes, it did put a further strain on my dh's relationship with her, but that is his problem. He is a grown up man and can handle it.

I agrea with postinatlast. I'd like to really know what ss say to her accusation

She sounds like she's got unresolved issues relating to her son. You don't want to ask and you don't want to know. Just get DH to keep her away.

Does DH acknowledge she's toxic in their relationship?

Your DH should protect you.............. and your daughter now. YOU do not need to deal with her. In her state of mind, it is only likely to actually give her ammunition against you.

My mil lives a short walk away from me. But I do have to say that she never interfered ever as far as dd & ds's upbringing is concerned. She will ask me if they can have sweets etc...

Though a while back (after I had ds & I was in the middle of exams for a college course I was doing) I had a kind of breakdown.. MIL came into my house, brought dd a bike (I had asked her not to) and was basically a PITA.

Anyway she asked me why we didn't visit & I said I was trying to establish a bedtime routine for the kids, going to bed at 7pm so I had time to study & time alone with dh. She poo-pooed me & said I had been reading too many books

A few weeks later I had a visit from a neighbour whom I could tell was very uncomfortable..she said they hd been in the pub the weekend before & the Ils were in there telling everyone about how I keep them from seeing the kids, how I put them to bed deliberately at 7pm when I know she's not home from work until 7.30pm! How I am odd and strange and read too much Basically MIL said she didn't think I was good enough for her son & I wasn't a good enough mother. She said a lot of other stuff that I can't remember at the minute...

Anyway, when dh came home from work & found me in tears he didn't even listen to half of the story before he walked out the back door ro his mam's house. He came home an hour later like a bull, but said he had told them all what we though & even his sister who was there was slagging me off She said I was a crap mum & she wished she could have kids as she would be better than me.

Anyway, the long story shortened is that we didn't speak for about 6 months. His mam came up to me & apologised. Said she had been a bitch as she really loved the kids & thought I wanted her to have nothing to do with them (This wasn't true, she never had been interfering) There were lots of words said by both parties that we regret now & thankfully 3 years later I can call on them when I need them & am 100% confident that I have proved her wrong.

So I guess what I am saying is, your dh needs to make it positively clear who he supports.. effectively he does have to take side, he needs to tell her you are his wife & he loves & supports you.... He needs to be the one to tell her, or else it will all be blamed on you!!

I agree with so many of the above messages - my MIL ( who lives next door, long story) will NEVER give up wanting to be the matriarch. Things have only got better since I have given up caring what she thinks. Like wonky angel I tried so hard for her to accept me and I think that she only does because she realises that its me and DH and the Dc's or NOTHING. This is not something I have ever had to say, or ever would, but it HAS slowly dawned on her that the DC's are still alive, in spite of my dreadful and life threatening habits of breastfeeding, not feeding them squash , and not bathing them every single day.

Gosh it goes so quick on here, Ill try to keep up.

Dh is very supportive and openly acknowledges that Mil is toxic, he tries very hard with her to get her to be nice to me. tbh I dont really care if she is or isnt nice to me anymore, I'd rather she ignore me. But the name calling towards DD has to stop. DD is only 8 weeks fgs.
I would hate mil yo call dd such names when she is old enogh to understand them. I would then have to put my foot down with regards to her seeing DD.

I feel so much better now just saying this out loud (or typing it out)

Good, I'm glad you're feeling better and you now know you're not alone. I wish I had posted about my mil when it all went belly-up last July. It would've saved me months of heartache, tears and nightmares.

xx