Hello, I'm new here and I need some advice regarding my inlaws....

[nappynoonoo]

Hello a friend of mine has told me about this site, she said that you give good advice and have helped her loads, even just to allow her to sound off.

So here goes;
Dh and I have been married now for 4 years we have been together for 11 years and have know each other for forever. I always seemed to get on well with his mum and step dad but when we told them that we were together it all changed.

There have been so many instances where his mum and step dad have been nasty and horrible to me that I couldn't possibly go in to them all.

Recently however, since the birth of DD it has gotten so much worse, to the point that I really feel like I want to run away with DD and DH and never come back . DH has had 'words' so many times with his parents that we have both lost count, it makes no difference.

According to MIL I am a bad mother because I breast feed, because I'm starving DD and we don't know how much milk she is getting, even though she is putting on roughly 1 lb every 2 weeks (we get DD weighed every two weeks). Our HV say's that she is very happy with DD's progress. MIL has even go so far as to say that she will call social services to report me and that she will get custody of DD. DH went completely mad at her when she said this.

When I was giving birth to DD my mum was there with me and DH and MIL said that she should have been there too and how dare I have my mum there. I can understand to an extent why she would be upset but a girl needs her mum more that her MIL in that situation.

She refers to DD as her and DH's baby (sick).

She has complained that my mum helps me too much and is round at my house to often and that I should invite her (MIL) to my house when Mum is there. I told her that no one gets an invite to my house as my door is always open and that anyone is welcome any time.

She came round yesterday while DH was at the gym and called DD such a horrible name I cant even bring myself to type it, and I was so shocked that I didn't know what to say. I told my friend (The one who recommended this site) and she reckons that MIL is jelous of DD as she is the most important female in DH's life.

I cant tell what MIL wants, first she says she wants custody of DD then she is calling her names.

I need help, what do I do?

She sounds like my mil who had a very strange relationship with her 3 boys. However, my mil did get nicer towards me once I had children.dh did stand up to her once and she stopped being overtly nasty to me after that, but years of unkindness wore away any goodwill I have towards her.

I don't see my MIL at all now. She hardly comes to my house and dh does all phone calls etc with her. She isn't banned from speaking to the children - so she phones them, and dh takes the children to her house whenever she wants really (it helps that she lives a couple of hours away).

Is your FIL alive? Could your dh have a word with him? (this didn't work with my FIL - he didn't want to rock the boat with MIL at all, but yours might have more courage!

your MIL sounds pure evil. Dont try to change her, or reason with her as you have more than enough on your plate.

personally i think your instinct to run off with dh and dd is pretty astute! Cut the bitch out and explain to her that she wouldn't have a hope in hell of getting custody of your daughter. I hate MILs, especially mine.

sorry i'm not in a very charitable mood.

fireflyfairy2, you had a good outcome I only wish that that would happen with us, but I fear it will not.

Now I see the whole sorry saga written down in words, and from your responses I know that I am not being unreasonable. I began to think it was me being a pain in the arse. I began to think what mil was saying was true.

Step fil is just as bad as she is tbh, but he does't go out of his way to be nasty, just only if he gets a chance.

Fil and step mil are the complete opposite, they are lovely and always ringing to see if there is anything they can do to help.

Did she jokingly call your dd the name? Or was she cruel?

In what context did she call dd the name?

God no, nappynoonoo, don't ever think the mil is speaking the truth! Don't let her get to you like that. Believe that you are right and never show her a weakness again.

You are lucky that your dh agrees with you and remember that!! If even he can see that it is all her and not you, then you must believe it too!

And I don't mean to sound pessimistic but you need to stop wishing that things will turn out okay. Don't set yourself up for more disappointment.

And you are so far from being unreasonable it's not even funny! I think most of us are too reasonable with our mils and should've stood up for ourselves a lot sooner than when we finally did.

fireflyfairy2 MIL said it with such venom in her voice, I cant tell with her face as she always looks like she is sucking a lemon.

She call her a B*h, she said;

'God all that little B*H does is cries and shits, she never shuts up'
This is after DD started crying for a feed. I haven't told Dh cos it will really upset him, I really feel sorry for DH to have such a nasty mum.

My mum has gone ballistic after I told her some of the things MIL says, if my mum knew the half of it, MIL wouldn't stand a chance.

Also her behavior is in no way a reaction to you. You are not the cause!
HER PROBLEM ENTIRELY
The healthy relationships you so obviously have with others is testament to that fact.
Shame she doesn't have the people skills that you seem to have in huge measure
Poor woman

right i've calmed down a bit now.

i do have some more practical advice to offer - how about telling your health visitor exactly how your mother in law has been behaving - what she said about your dd and how she's theatened to try and take her away from you. Get her to take some notes so that if your MIL ever does try to follow through her horrible threats, you've got at least one health - professional who knows the history of what's been going on, and also knows exactly how well your dd is doing and what a great mum you are.

Sweet Jesus.. what a thing to call a child

on your behalf...

What did you say when she said that?

Please tell your dh, it's something that needs telling now, not in a weeks time otherwise he won't know how badly annoyed you are. Don't take it out on him though, just tell him what she said & how it made you feel. She is dh's dd too

Tell your DH, really. You have an eight week old baby, you are establishing breastfeeding, you're going through a time of big upheaval in your life. You don't need to take on responsibility for what his mother says as well. If it really upsets him it's because she said it, not because you repeated it to him. If you start acting as though it's your responsibility to protect the relationship between your DH and his mother you will send yourself loopy.

Get yer mum onto her then!!

Run to the hills!

Thank goodness your DH knows what's going on. Good luck.

Thanks PellMell.

Good idea Yummers, I might ring my HV up and have a chat to her about it. TBH I think Mil only said it for shock value, I dont think she would actually call social services (I hope not anyway)

fireflyfairy2 I was so shocked that I couldn't say anything to her, I couldn't even ask her to leave my house I was so shocked.
I just pick DD up and said she needs feeding and went upstairs to feed her, when I came back down MIL had gone, she didn't even shout goodbye. For what i is worth, I dont mind Breast feeding in front of people I just wont in front of her cause I get loads of nasty and negative comments.

I am utterly shocked! How dare she say that?!

TELL YOUR HUSBAND!!

You know, my mil has a drinking problem and every time someone had to go around her house to help her to bed, or to hospital in the middle of the night, I did it. Because I didn't want my dh to see his own mother in the state she was constantly in.

I was trying to protect him from it and trying to protect their relationship as my dh would have cut her out completely. I now know that I was misguided in this.

Your dh needs to know the truth and the whole truth. He will be fine. It's not nice to know your mother is like this but he can better deal with things if he knows everything.

lol, universally challenged, that would shock MIL, she thinks I dont tell my mum as mum has never said anything, but that is only cos I ask mum not to.
I suppose I'm lucky having a really supportive DH and mum.

You know I think I may get addicted to this Mumsnet, I've been having a browse and it looks good

so unbelievably and at what your MIL said to your little baby.

cut all contact, its not worth the stress.

my ILS are so toxic you can see their houses glowing green from the Mir space station, and i am going to do everything in my power to keep contact with my baby to a minimum.

addicted already and it's only been one day.

Seriously, your MIL is appalling. How dare she talk about a tiny baby - her own grandchild, fgs - like that?! Blimey, if I knew where she lived I'd be tempted to go and have a word.

Get rid. Ban the evil cow from your house and your life. Let dh talk to her on the phone/visit her if he must (and don't let him take dd, MIL clearly has no affection for her and tiny babies belong with their mummies).

all she does is cries and sh**s?
errrrrrrrrr, yeah...she's a few weeks old, that's kinda what they do
that woman has a serious problem
get rid of her, she's a nutjob

Or...

"all she does is cries and sh**s"

"Oooh no, she does those huge great big smiles and gurgles for people she likes.

nappynoonoo - you're not remotely worried about the threat to call ss and take custody are you? I am a family lawyer and I can tell you that there is no reason whatsoever to be concerned. SS could not care less what you feed your child (particularly when you're following all Govt advice!!) save perhaps if you started her on vodka and crack cocaine! Your MIL has no legal right at all to see her grandchild and no court would even let her put in an application for 'custody' unless there was a complete catastrophic breakdown in your ability to look after your children (e.g. you were both jailed for a long period). I'm sure you know that she's talking nonsense but just in case you had a tiny seed of worry.

Sounds as if she can't stand being powerless and is trying to grasp at anything that could give the impression that she has something over you - she doesn't.

lol frootloop, just had the mental image of houses growing green.

edam, I know, my friend said I would get addicted, I didn't believe her, how wrong was I.

Catz I'm not worried about it, I know social services have better things to do other than follow up stupid complaints from MIL's, I bet they get a lot of them. It just upset me loads when she said it. Unfortunately she said it in front of DH and he went ballistic at her, so I think she is too scared of loosing DH to dare ring them.

Portandlemonade DD has been doing some beautiful smiles and giggles, MIL would hate to think she has missed them

I think I'm going to sit DH down and tell him that MIL is not to be in my house if I am here, she can come if I am out and he can take DD to see her at her house. But the second MIL calls DD any names and DD is aware then that will be it and she will not see her again. One last chance, if she wants it for a relationship with DD, and it is up to her if she takes it.
I however will have nothing to do with the woman.

Just caught up on this and glad you are going to set some boundaries.
Was really upset for you when I saw what MIL called her - she is the b*tch and does not deserve to see your lovely dd.
Think you are being very magnanimous giving her a last chance! Let us know what your dh says and well done

had similar situation with mil and sil long time ago, tried to keep the peace by not retaliating, they saw this as weakness. dh had a word with mil and stated i was no 1 in his life not her, that sorted her out.

sil makes snide comments all the time,i now, to my shame , make snide comments back.

its no good being nice to these people, they will never change, i would distance myself and stop being friendly, a bit of frostyness goes a long way.

Update.....

Spoke to DH about MIL not coming here while I am at home and he agrees with me. He thinks it will be best all round if he goes to see MIL at her house. I said to him to take DD with him when he goes round, but that if MIL is in any way shape or form out of line with or regarding DD then that will be it. Mil will not be welcome to spend time with DD again.

DH and I have both agreed that we dont want to stop MIL having a relationship with DD, so this is her last chance, the 'ball is in her court'. It is now up to MIL to make her relationship with DD work, and she will only have herself to blame if she wrecks any chance of that relationship.

I think I am very lucky that my DH backs me up with regards to MIL, after all she is still his mum. But as DH said DD is his main priority, next to me and his mum.

I will keep you updated.