Hello, I'm new here and I need some advice regarding my inlaws....

[nappynoonoo]

Hello a friend of mine has told me about this site, she said that you give good advice and have helped her loads, even just to allow her to sound off.

So here goes;
Dh and I have been married now for 4 years we have been together for 11 years and have know each other for forever. I always seemed to get on well with his mum and step dad but when we told them that we were together it all changed.

There have been so many instances where his mum and step dad have been nasty and horrible to me that I couldn't possibly go in to them all.

Recently however, since the birth of DD it has gotten so much worse, to the point that I really feel like I want to run away with DD and DH and never come back . DH has had 'words' so many times with his parents that we have both lost count, it makes no difference.

According to MIL I am a bad mother because I breast feed, because I'm starving DD and we don't know how much milk she is getting, even though she is putting on roughly 1 lb every 2 weeks (we get DD weighed every two weeks). Our HV say's that she is very happy with DD's progress. MIL has even go so far as to say that she will call social services to report me and that she will get custody of DD. DH went completely mad at her when she said this.

When I was giving birth to DD my mum was there with me and DH and MIL said that she should have been there too and how dare I have my mum there. I can understand to an extent why she would be upset but a girl needs her mum more that her MIL in that situation.

She refers to DD as her and DH's baby (sick).

She has complained that my mum helps me too much and is round at my house to often and that I should invite her (MIL) to my house when Mum is there. I told her that no one gets an invite to my house as my door is always open and that anyone is welcome any time.

She came round yesterday while DH was at the gym and called DD such a horrible name I cant even bring myself to type it, and I was so shocked that I didn't know what to say. I told my friend (The one who recommended this site) and she reckons that MIL is jelous of DD as she is the most important female in DH's life.

I cant tell what MIL wants, first she says she wants custody of DD then she is calling her names.

I need help, what do I do?

Your MIL sounds wildly toxic. It's very good indeed that your DH sees the problem here and is on your side.

That being said, if you want there to be any chance of your MIL reforming, you do need to tell her that what she's doing is wrong. She may go off in a huff, in which case, big loss ...

NQC DH has tried talking to MIL about her behavior before but she takes absolutely no notice what so ever. She is only ever like that when I am there, she would NEVER dare say anything like she does to me to DH. I think she is scared that she would loose DH, and she doesn't like the thought of me having him all to myself (When DD hasn't got his undivided attention )
I think it's me being there that bring the toxicnes out in her TBH. Although I doubt it's me, I think it would have been any woman who DH married. He's an only child don't ya know

It sounds like you guys are doing all the right things - and it's good that you see that it has nothing to do with you, it's how she'd be with anyone who married him.

If he can be clear with her that she's on her last chance, that's probably fairer to her. I'd be very surprised if you don't end up cutting off contact, though - she's so clearly wildly jealous of his relationship with you, and with your DD.

It's sad really, your MIL has done a wonderful thing by raising her son to adulthood, and should be enormously proud that he's become a great husband and father. She has three for the price of one now - raise one son, get a daughter and granddaughter free! He lives nearby. He even married a family friend rather than some stranger she might have felt awkward with. But instead of the joy she should feel she's got it all twisted round in her head. Not that it excuses appalling behaviour, but one can sort of pity her for her loss. I don't think there's anything you (or anyone) can do to help her straighten herself out, though - unless setting boundaries as you have done forces her to her senses.

I haven't read all the messages, but I just wanted to say that you need to lay some boundaries down. Your DH sounds like he's supportive, which is great.
Any number of whys and wherefores could be causing her behaviour-none of which are acceptable or okay (envy, jealousy, personality disorder, plain selfish)

I had something similar, where MIL turned up uninvited at the birth. (luckily DD came quickly and she arrived 45 mins late). SHe then grabbed DD without asking me and ran out of the room and the midwife had to ask her to bring my baby back. Then she turned up at my home　every day to "help" i.e to criticise, give snidey comments and not let me hold my baby. She just caused stress and I just wanted to run away too. THankfully its sorted out now after 5 months of hell:

MIL is not welcome in my home.
DH takes DD twice a month to visit her without me.

Suits me.

Your MIL will get worse so you must set boundaries. I agree with Custardo. You are the matriarch of your house, no one else. Your MIL has had her chance at playing house. She must step aside, or she will lose what contact she has with you, her son and her granddaughter. But controlling people only think about the short term- they are so bent on control that they forget there may be consequences to their actions.

SOrry, just read about your boundaries. Your DH is fab. I wish mine was like that. I'm sure mine thinks that its partly my fault his mother and I don't see eye to eye. But I tried not to retaliate in order to be the nice guy for so long and not have people think I was selfish and I nearly had a nervous breakdown. Its so important for mothers to take care of themselves when their kids are small, not all the selfish people who surround them.

I always feel relieved when I hear Sakura has had a similar experience to mine. In fact, judging by your experience Sakura, I'm surprised you even let your MIL see your child seeing as she can't bring herself to respect the mother of that child. I see the children esp. when v. young and the mothers as a package - you don't the priviledge of seeing one unless you can behave decently to the other.

My DH refused to acknowledge his mother is a controlling, interfering woman. He says he, "doesn't hear," the bitchy comments she makes towards me, in front of my children which I think is an especially nice touch.

Nappynoonoo, it's natural your mum comes around more. She's your mum. Your MIL sounds like a right cow and really doesn't deserve any of your family's time. There is no way she'd get custody of DD. Why on earth would she? Because you're breastfeeding? She needs psychiatric help. Really.

Tell your DH what his mother called your DD. He needs to know the whole truth about how poisonous she is. Your DD shouldn't be around such a person. Honestly.

And make sure your MIL is not around when your DH isn't at home either. I find that to be the prime time for the toxic, bitchy comments from my MIL so I totally totally avoid being alone with her. Bullies are cowards.

Message withdrawn

Whoa! Would refuse to be near such a jealous nasty person and enjoy all time with your lovely family. Just imagine some shield deflects all the negative crap back to her and SMILE, you're worth it!!

THanks Winky. ITs good to hear you say that you think I'm being more than fair, because sometimes I forget how bad she was and how badly it affected me.

Yes, and Sakura, I think you always sound so calm, rational and kind despite all the crap you've had from that woman.

I'll never ever treat my DIL(s) like they are unworthy. Ever. I think it takes a remarkably arrogant and unkind person to do that.

I have had crap from my MIL for almost 20 years. We only have contact with her now cos of the kids, but as they have gotten older, they are starting to realise what she is like. She'll have a go about anything, because I work, because I used nappy cream on my eldest, co I'm not the same religion, cos we moved, cos we got a new kitchen. I could go on and on, she sees it as a power struggle, first for her darling son, then the kids. Now, I just feel sorry for her, she's had all this toxic energy in her for so long, she must be worn out. I have to thank her though, cos I've realised that despite what i might feels for my kids partners in the future, I'll let them get on with it as you just lose them in the end. She could have been a big part of our happy family, but she's not, her fault, her loss. God, I feel better for that, thanks. I've never said all this before. Hope I don't sound toxic!

Well a bit of an update.....

DH spoke to his mum (on his own, without me being there) and told her that the way she behaves towards me and DD is unacceptable.
He set the 'boundries' down (the ones DH and I discussed and agreed on) Well apparently she was not a happy chappie, in DH's own words she went off like a pit bull with toothache

He told her that she is not welcome in our house when I am here, full stop. He will bring DD to see her over the weekends. She is not to talk to me at all unless she can at least be civil. She is not to 'slag' me off in front of DD, or to speak disrespectfully to DD. Also the biggie, she has one last chance, if she blows it she will never be welcome in out house if I am there or not and she will never get to see or spend time with DD again. DH will only visit her if needs be. He told her that DD and I are his priority and as much as he loves her (His mum) he is not willing to put mine or DD happiness for her sake.He also told her that all of the above are non negotiable, and that 'the ball is now in her court' to make this work.

When she 'went off' apparently I got called all names under the sun and that I am a cunniving little bi*ch who has turned DH against her, she wishes I didn't exist. I dont deserve DH and DD and she is going to do everything in her power to split us up!!!!

You know what, I LOVE the fact that I have managed to piss her off so much without even speaking to her [evil daughter-in-law emoticon] Am I bad for feeling like that, probably, but it feels so good knowing I have upset her as much as she made my life hell for all those years.

DH said he is going to leave it for a few weeks and try to speak to her again at a later date.

Well done your dh. It's not easy to do. Now the difficult bit is to make sure that you don't slag her off to him. (although ringing up a friend to slag her off is perfectly acceptable )

He's probably just saved your marriage - interfering MILs/mothers can cause so many problems.

Yurt your right interfering in-laws )from either side) can cause so many problems, TBH though the stubbornes in me would make me stick at it just to piss her off even more.

DH knows what his mum is like. She was very controlling of him when he lived at home and even when he first moved out before he basically had to lay down some boundries with her.

ooooh it sounds all so familiar I know exactly how you feel. Well done your dh. Do you think she'll come round and accept the new boundaries or is she going to descend into bitter and twisted?

Lol Yurt, I think she already descended in to the bitter and twisted stage when DH and I told her we were an 'item' 11 years ago

I don't think she will come round though, DH still wants to try with her which is completely understandable. I feel so bad for him. At least DD has lots of love from DH's dad and step mum and my parents and my grandparents, so she will never be short of love and attention.

Well what a turn up for the books.....

We have had no contact between Us and MIL since DH had words with her......

It's DH's day off today (He has to work on Saturday so his boss gave him today off) We didn't have anything specific planned, maybe take the DD for a walk on the prom with the dog later.

But......MIL phoned I didn't answer (caller display )I just said to DH, 'It's your mum'. So DH answered and I heard him say, 'No mum, nappy doesn't want to talk with you, I wont pass you over'. I am now intrigued as to what it is she could possibly want to talk to me about. Once DH is off the phone with Mil our conversation goes like this;

DH - Mum wanted to know if you would accept an apology from her if she was to apologise.

ME - If I say no, does that mean I wont get an apology.

DH - Probably, you know what my mum is like.

ME - So she's not really sorry then.

DH - Nope, it doesn't sound like it, like I said you know what she's like.

ME - Oh right, in that case then, no I wont accept an apology from her.

DH - No I didn't think you would

Apparently she also asked if she could come round today, DH said no to her as I am at home today and we are spending the day together. But he will take DD to see her at the weekend, to which MIL replied, 'Oh I'm going out, so never mind'