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Original poster

Drink driving, my fault?

73 replies

Melliecf · 09/06/2022 09:27

I’m 6.5 months pregnant and DP got arrested for drink driving last week. He was tested at 91 which I think it close to the highest bracket, although not the highest. He claims he was feeling unwell and got out of the car to drink but witnesses say otherwise. Usually I would be inclined to believe him but then again I would never have thought he’d do this full stop. He works in a professional capacity and is likely now to be monitored with his drinking/conditions put on his work. He’s been told he probably won’t be able to drive for 2 years.

What’s upset me is that he’s been aggressive/angry towards me. He has a hearing the week we were supposed to be on holiday and has not even acknowledged this, tried to discuss the arranging it etc. Hes not mentioned the impact on me and the baby that he can’t drive, he just seems bothered about work. He has apologised once or twice but fleetingly and then back to anger. He’s suggested he was stressed driving back and forth to see me (we currently live apart as I am best family while he works nights) and the last week he said had taken its toll on him driving an hour or so every couple of days and he was very stressed. This seems to be my fault. I feel awful as he’s not got form for this sort of behaviour and I do wonder if I have caused it in some way.

I am worried about this sort of behaviour. I feel totally unsupported and uncared for. Am I taking this too seriously? I know it happens, just never thought it would happen to someone I was involved with.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/06/2022 09:35

His aggressive/angry behaviour is not your fault; this is all on him.

I would urge you to reconsider this whole relationship with him and look to ending it. He's not going to behave any better when he is a father either; in all likelihood he will continue to be aggressive/angry towards you and in turn your child. You feel unsupported and uncared for because you are indeed unsupported and uncared for by him. OK so he was stressed but this is no justification or excuse for his actions, besides which no-one forced him to drive. His apologies to you are meaningless and he's more worried about his own self. He has not apologised nor has really taken any responsibility for his actions here.

Would also urge you to give this child your surname rather than his and continue to stay with your family.

Seeline · 09/06/2022 09:44

No way is it your fault. It was entirely his decision to drink and drive.

You say he doesn't have form for this type of behaviour - how long have you known him? Has he just not caught before?

Stay with your family and have a hard think about how well you know him, and how you like being treated in this way.

erikbloodaxe · 09/06/2022 09:45

Does he feel supported and cared for?
Is he the only one who can drive?
Is he the only one who works?

CornishPorsche · 09/06/2022 09:49

If he's blown that high, was he drinking neat vodka or something? Or is he claiming he only had two pints (like they always do)?

It's a high reading, and suggests significant drinking.

Does he have a drinking problem?

What does feeling unwell have to do with it, I don't understand that part?.

He might not be able to get them to change the hearing date. If he can't afford a solicitor, he'll want to speak to the duty solicitor at court on the day of the hearing.

JuneJubilee · 09/06/2022 09:52

erikbloodaxe · 09/06/2022 09:45

Does he feel supported and cared for?
Is he the only one who can drive?
Is he the only one who works?

FTLOF

gamerchick · 09/06/2022 09:53

Sounds like he may have a drink problem and now has to face it.

Personally I'd be telling him to stay away until he sorts his head out. He can't be taking shit out on you.

Reallyreallyborednow · 09/06/2022 09:53

He claims he was feeling unwell and got out of the car to drink but witnesses say otherwise

so his story is he was driving, felt unwell, stopped the car and got out. Then thought I know what will make be feel better, half a pint of vodka!

he’s an alcoholic. Leave him now.

”no form” just means he hasn’t been caught before.

BusterGonad · 09/06/2022 09:59

Reallyreallyborednow · 09/06/2022 09:53

He claims he was feeling unwell and got out of the car to drink but witnesses say otherwise

so his story is he was driving, felt unwell, stopped the car and got out. Then thought I know what will make be feel better, half a pint of vodka!

he’s an alcoholic. Leave him now.

”no form” just means he hasn’t been caught before.

Yes, I don't understand the bit about getting out of the car either.
Op you are pregnant, not working and decided to live apart from your partner because he's working nights? I don't really understand this either. 8m not blaming you at all, I'm just trying to figure out the relationship.

BusterGonad · 09/06/2022 10:00

*I'm

Lizzieismagic · 09/06/2022 10:01

I actually reported my now exh. He blamed me for him losing his license.. No pal you got pissed....

Original poster
Melliecf · 09/06/2022 10:03

Sorry, to answer a few questions. He’s been working shifts and so I’ve stayed with family for a couple of weeks. I work too, mostly from home.

He would often drink a bottle of wine a night. Not every night. He said it was normal. I don’t drink really so one or two glasses would be more than enough for me. He usually won’t touch alcohol if he’s driving and we go out for lunch or dinner. I’m so worried as I never saw this coming.

OP posts:
Daenerys77 · 09/06/2022 10:03

Unless you poured alcohol down his throat, it is not your fault that he was drink-driving. But if you don't drive, you might want to prioritise taking lessons, not least because you may end up as a single parent.

Original poster
Melliecf · 09/06/2022 10:05

Yes I drive and work

OP posts:
CanaryWharf2 · 09/06/2022 10:08

91 is massively over the limit, so this wasn’t a case of driving after two pints with a meal, or the morning after a heavy session, it was choosing to drive while extremely seriously intoxicated.

Has he driven drunk before, and does he have an issue with alcohol in general?

fedup078 · 09/06/2022 10:08

The only way this could have been your fault is if you pinned him down and poured booze down his throat before holding a gun to his head and forcing him to drive
No this is not your fault
I'm guessing he has a sketchy relationship with drink beyond this incident ?

JemimaHumdrum · 09/06/2022 10:11

This seems to be my fault. I feel awful as he’s not got form for this sort of behaviour and I do wonder if I have caused it in some way.

Don't you bloody dare. It is HIS fault and no one else's.
If you drive anyway you really don't need this waste of space.

Bloody hate drink drivers, he could've bloody killed someone 🤬

pointythings · 09/06/2022 10:14

He made the choice to drink and drive. End of story. Fully his responsibility.

I urge you to leave this relationship.

Purplefoxes · 09/06/2022 10:23

Melliecf · 09/06/2022 09:27

I’m 6.5 months pregnant and DP got arrested for drink driving last week. He was tested at 91 which I think it close to the highest bracket, although not the highest. He claims he was feeling unwell and got out of the car to drink but witnesses say otherwise. Usually I would be inclined to believe him but then again I would never have thought he’d do this full stop. He works in a professional capacity and is likely now to be monitored with his drinking/conditions put on his work. He’s been told he probably won’t be able to drive for 2 years.

What’s upset me is that he’s been aggressive/angry towards me. He has a hearing the week we were supposed to be on holiday and has not even acknowledged this, tried to discuss the arranging it etc. Hes not mentioned the impact on me and the baby that he can’t drive, he just seems bothered about work. He has apologised once or twice but fleetingly and then back to anger. He’s suggested he was stressed driving back and forth to see me (we currently live apart as I am best family while he works nights) and the last week he said had taken its toll on him driving an hour or so every couple of days and he was very stressed. This seems to be my fault. I feel awful as he’s not got form for this sort of behaviour and I do wonder if I have caused it in some way.

I am worried about this sort of behaviour. I feel totally unsupported and uncared for. Am I taking this too seriously? I know it happens, just never thought it would happen to someone I was involved with.

Firstly there is NO WAY this can be your fault no matter what he says. He CHOSE to drink, he CHOSE to get in the car knowing he'd had alcohol. He CHOSE to break the law. There are other ways to deal with stress than alcohol. I would be worried that his story doesn't add up about where he was and why he was drinking. There is more to this story. The anger tells me he is angry at being discovered and caught out Because now you know. And I don't think a bottle of wine in a night even if it's every other night is normal for one person either that would be way too many units. Unfortunately I have experienced alcohol addiction with a family member. He hid all sorts of bottles in the car and drank vodka as it was easier to hide in soft drinks or water bottles as it's a clear liquid. There was a court case and he was also banned from driving and could have killed someone. They start drinking in the day, depending on it to take the edge off their stress and it interferes with normal life. They get very very deceptive and he's had several relapses in spite of nearly losing his job and getting a criminal record . This is a terrible terrible time to find out but I'm afraid the warning signs were already there with the wine. He should be grovelling to you for forgiveness not trying to blame you for it when you are pregnant and don't need the stress or the shock either! He doesn't sound like a good man I am afraid and you do not want an alcoholic around your child. I would tell him to stay away from you for a few weeks whilst you think about the future. You don't have to decide straight away. At the very least though he should come clean what he was up to, how much he drinks and agree to get specialist counselling and go cold turkey, no alcohol if you are staying together.

ThreeonaHill · 09/06/2022 10:23

I think he sounds very stressed and that probably is caused by a baby on the way, extra driving to see you whilst also working nights (have I got that right, you've moved out because he's working nights?) And stressed makes us all bad tempered.

His behaviour is still his responsibility and he gets what he deserves for drink driving, but there's no harm recognising that he's feeling stressed and what might have caused it.

I do think you're a bit unreasonable if you think his concern over how his not driving affects you should be greater than his concern about its affect on his work. Where I work, a drink driving conviction is gross misconduct and often leads to dismissal, so that could be adding to his worries too.

mm40 · 09/06/2022 10:25

91 ‘what’.

91 in breath is nearly 3x the limit (limit it 35 in breath)- around 5pints ish
91 in blood is only just over the limit (limit is 80 in blood) 2 pints?

FetchezLaVache · 09/06/2022 10:28

He's not the doctor, is he?

BusterGonad · 09/06/2022 10:32

It's definitely not your fault, if he wasn't coping with you living away he should have said and you could have amended the arrangement. If he really needed to drink then he shouldn't have got into a car after. Most sensible minded people can manage to drink and NOT drive so why couldn't he? Most of us have done stupid things when drunk but driving is a huge mistake. Only you can judge what you put up with and if you believe his account of things.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 09/06/2022 10:33

He’s suggested he was stressed driving back and forth to see me (we currently live apart as I am best family while he works nights) and the last week he said had taken its toll on him driving an hour or so every couple of days and he was very stressed.

An hour or so every couple of days? Many people have a 1hr+ drive each way for their daily commute, yet manage to do so without needing a bottle of vodka to speed the journey along 😒

That alcohol level is indicative of him being completely shit-faced, not just "mis-judged" having one or two, or still being drunk from the previous night.

I strongly suspect this is the tip of the iceberg and you're about to find out he's been a "functioning" alcoholic for quite a long time, and the disease has now progressed to the point where he's making increasingly stupid choices... like feeling "unwell" (due to the alcohol leaving his system, giving him the shakes and anxiety) and "topping up" his alcohol level in the belief that this would make him "safe" to drive.

I am an alcoholic (now thankfully in recovery) and this sort of story is very very common. It's often the point where the drinking problem becomes public to friends, employers and family who were completely unaware there was an issue.

If he's unwilling to tell the truth about what happened then unfortunately at this point his chances of getting sober are very low.

I would suggest, sadly, that you make preparations to raise your baby alone, and get as much support as possible from your family.

veggiesupreme · 09/06/2022 10:34

91 is very high.

From what you have described he sounds like a functioning alcoholic to me. A bottle of wine is not normal and drinking to excess and driving - he is damn lucky he didn't kill anyone.

Is he struggling to cope with the idea of a baby? What else is going on?

This is in no way your fault, given you are pregnant I would be considering a plan B as living with an alcoholic and having a newborn baby simply isn't safe op. Are you family supportive?

Namechangehereandnow · 09/06/2022 10:38

Not your fault AT ALL.
His story is ridiculous!
He sounds very, very stressed, but needs to take responsibility for his own actions.

91 is 91, breath or blood doesn’t matter - he’s over the limit and being charged 🤷‍♀️