Drink driving, my fault?

[Melliecf]

I’m 6.5 months pregnant and DP got arrested for drink driving last week. He was tested at 91 which I think it close to the highest bracket, although not the highest. He claims he was feeling unwell and got out of the car to drink but witnesses say otherwise. Usually I would be inclined to believe him but then again I would never have thought he’d do this full stop. He works in a professional capacity and is likely now to be monitored with his drinking/conditions put on his work. He’s been told he probably won’t be able to drive for 2 years.

What’s upset me is that he’s been aggressive/angry towards me. He has a hearing the week we were supposed to be on holiday and has not even acknowledged this, tried to discuss the arranging it etc. Hes not mentioned the impact on me and the baby that he can’t drive, he just seems bothered about work. He has apologised once or twice but fleetingly and then back to anger. He’s suggested he was stressed driving back and forth to see me (we currently live apart as I am best family while he works nights) and the last week he said had taken its toll on him driving an hour or so every couple of days and he was very stressed. This seems to be my fault. I feel awful as he’s not got form for this sort of behaviour and I do wonder if I have caused it in some way.

I am worried about this sort of behaviour. I feel totally unsupported and uncared for. Am I taking this too seriously? I know it happens, just never thought it would happen to someone I was involved with.

There are two separate issues here.

The drunk driving (which goes without saying is disgusting)

The OPs description of their relationship.

It isn't working for either of them.

I drive an hour and a half to work and obviously the same home, every day. I have stresses in my life that at times seem massive. Strangely enough I manage to drive without drinking, weird eh?
I don’t care how stressed he is, there is absolutely no excuse for putting other innocent road users at risk, not even one single time.
The fact that he is an ignorant selfish twat who obviously doesn’t see a problem with his actions, combined with the fact he’s angry and laying the blame at your feet would be enough to make me seriously think about any kind of future with him.
Every time he makes a shit decision or life goes pear shaped as it often does he’ll be turning to you and telling you it was all your fault. It’ll never change, I guarantee you that

I'm sorry OP

It's not your fault at all. Seems that he's angry with himself but can't be mature enough to admit it so he's looking for someone to blame and unfortunately you're the easiest target.

Do not take the blame. We all have stresses in our lives but that doesn't mean we stop for some drinks then carry on driving ..

Usually I would be inclined to believe him but then again I would never have thought he’d do this full stop.
Breathalysers don't lie.
Why would you believe Mr Angry's denials over the facts?

I feel awful as he’s not got form for this sort of behaviour and I do wonder if I have caused it in some way.
How would you know if he's got form? This is the man who told you a bottle of wine a night is normal - & you believed him. When he's working away, you have no idea what he is drinking, how often, & whether he was regularly drink-driving.

It sounds like both of you are very adept at making excuses for him.
You need to learn this mantra & then start living it:
You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't change it.
www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

I wondered if it was the doctor too. If it is I think his job is I trouble as he has to refer himself to the GMC (I think). If it is - you we'd to end it with him. Neither of you are happy. Focus on working out how you can co-parent.

If it's not him then it's not your fault. I also don't understand why he started drinking if he felt unwell.

There is absolutely no way this is in any way your fault. No matter how stressed someone is, there is never a good reason for drink driving.

If he was genuinely feeling stressed due to your life circumstances, do you think he should
a) have spoken to you about it and agreed ways to minimise that stress or
b) drank to excess then got behind the wheel of a car.

Don't let him convince you that he can blame anyone or anything but his own stupid, selfish self for this.

And then back to his stress - he's feeling stressed because he has to drive an hour sometimes to visit you? Did I understand that right? I used to drive 90 minutes each way to work, for many years, with small children at home and an AWOL husband, yet I never felt the need to drink drive.

And no, a bottle of wine a night is far from normal. It's very unhealthy and suggests addiction.

Please say it isn't that op.

If it is, the op has more drama than Eastenders.

Usually I would be inclined to believe him

Believe him about what though?

That he accidentally drank too much alcohol because he felt unwell??

It is not your fault and you should think carefully about whether you want to be with a man who blames you for his actions.

It's your fault.
You made me do it.
You wound me up.
If you hadn't said X I wouldn't have...

Yes! I wondered if it was the Dr too! I suspect he has more of a drink problem than you think OP.

Completely confused about the Dr references - anyone care to link that thread? Thanks

Why would anyone, if feeling unwell, stop their car, get out, and suddenly drink a huge amount of alcohol?

If I ever feel unwell I’d probably get out and have some water and a walk around.

Did you pour the alcohol down his throat, then put the car keys in his hand, and a gun to his throat to force him to drive??? No. You're not at all responsible for this.

None of this is your fault.

The fact that you doubt yourself, coupled with his anger and aggression, makes me fearful for you. Pregnancy is often when these things rear their head.

It's someone who has posted multiple threads about her relationship with a doctor who won't move house (for good reasons) to accommodate the op (his pregnant partner). She gets the same answers every time and ignores them.

If past experience is anything to go by the op won't be back.

As soon as anyone mentions the previous threads the op vanishes, never to return.

91 blood alcohol or breath?

They're very different - one is just over, the other is totally wasted. Although it's near enough immaterial, both is over and a ban. No way would he have blown 91 at the roadside after a quick swing. That's 8+ pints of beer territory. And who drinks alcohol when they're feeling unwell? Only a hardened alcoholic would even consider that. He's full of shit, nevermind the way he's treating you. Unless you put a gun to his head there's no excuse for drink driving.

Too many issues, you need to get out.

Why would you get out of the car and drink alcohol if you feel unwell? It's a bull shit story.

Does he usually blame other people for his mistakes? Id say his alcoholism is just one of many horrendous red flags here. His behaviour is abusive, I would be thinking very carefully about how much I wanted this person around my child.

As soon as anyone mentions the previous threads the op vanishes, never to return

Yup, always the same old story. The doctor needs to be in another city because of his career. The OP wants to be near her family or something. The doctor wants her to move to the other city because the commuting is stressful. The OP doesn't want to and keeps starting threads about it.
And now the doctor is blaming her for the drink driving. The drink driving is not her fault. He chose to do that.
But the relationship is not good, not good at all.

Ohhhh no, this can't be the doctor!

trying To push the blame off himself and on to you suggests this is part of a larger problem.

that you are considering the possibility is a huge problem.

you need to look up “co-dependency”
it may help you understand the situation.

Ahhhh it's all coming back to me now!

Whatever else is going on though, she didn't make D&D.