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Original poster

Drink driving, my fault?

73 replies

Melliecf · 09/06/2022 09:27

I’m 6.5 months pregnant and DP got arrested for drink driving last week. He was tested at 91 which I think it close to the highest bracket, although not the highest. He claims he was feeling unwell and got out of the car to drink but witnesses say otherwise. Usually I would be inclined to believe him but then again I would never have thought he’d do this full stop. He works in a professional capacity and is likely now to be monitored with his drinking/conditions put on his work. He’s been told he probably won’t be able to drive for 2 years.

What’s upset me is that he’s been aggressive/angry towards me. He has a hearing the week we were supposed to be on holiday and has not even acknowledged this, tried to discuss the arranging it etc. Hes not mentioned the impact on me and the baby that he can’t drive, he just seems bothered about work. He has apologised once or twice but fleetingly and then back to anger. He’s suggested he was stressed driving back and forth to see me (we currently live apart as I am best family while he works nights) and the last week he said had taken its toll on him driving an hour or so every couple of days and he was very stressed. This seems to be my fault. I feel awful as he’s not got form for this sort of behaviour and I do wonder if I have caused it in some way.

I am worried about this sort of behaviour. I feel totally unsupported and uncared for. Am I taking this too seriously? I know it happens, just never thought it would happen to someone I was involved with.

OP posts:

veggiesupreme · 09/06/2022 10:39

I think 91 would indicate a bottle of wine equivalent and probably more. It is a very high reading. Especially as the final reading (91) would be the one that is taken at the police station once he failed two roadside tests, and it takes time for the process to take place/drive to the police station/log the defendant etc.
The very fact someone reported his driving would be enough to tell you he didn't slip up by half a glass.

I hope for your sake he is now not on a downward spiral, the next will be the loss of his job, then he will lose his house etc etc. He needs to get onto an alcohol treatment programme asap.

veggiesupreme · 09/06/2022 10:40

I would contact his parents op as well, let other people know, the worst thing you can do is go along with keeping it secret. Let everyone know he isn't in great shape, he needs support to get help.

Justcallmebebes · 09/06/2022 10:44

I would be making plans to leave with your baby. Your husband is an alcoholic or at best, a problem drinker. I'm also struck by the fact that you would ordinarily have believed his story about feeling unwell and stopping to have a drink. That's the most implausible excuse for drink driving I have ever heard and I've hard a lot! The fact that he now seems to blame you because he had to drive an hour a couple of times a week is outrageous. That's a normal commute millions do twice a day! You have an aggressive, alcoholic deadbeat on your hands

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 09/06/2022 10:48

Those posters who ate sympathising with this man .., if he'd killed or badly injured someone while driving HIGHLY over the limit would you still be asking OP to go easy on him? HE made the decision to get shit faced then drive.

We all have crap going on and may perceive ourselves to be being taken advantage of by loved ones or not feeling our stress is being recognised.

The minute you decide to drink and drive however all bets are off. That's on you and no one else.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 09/06/2022 10:48

BusterGonad · 09/06/2022 10:32

It's definitely not your fault, if he wasn't coping with you living away he should have said and you could have amended the arrangement. If he really needed to drink then he shouldn't have got into a car after. Most sensible minded people can manage to drink and NOT drive so why couldn't he? Most of us have done stupid things when drunk but driving is a huge mistake. Only you can judge what you put up with and if you believe his account of things.

This

TheWayoftheLeaf · 09/06/2022 10:55

An hour is my daily commute so he's making excuses there. It's not far. He may be stressed about the baby but it's not an excuse to drink drive. Especially as it's made everything harder now.

Pipsquiggle · 09/06/2022 10:59

So first of all - this is absolutely NOT your fault.

He chose to drink & drive so he needs to face up to it

From what you are saying he is consuming - it sounds like he is a functioning alcoholic. He will need to be referred to addiction specialists BUT (and it's a big but) only if he actually wants to get well.

Unfortunately, you can do nothing in this. He has to want to get better himself

You need to protect yourself and your baby - you need to decide whether you can stay in this environment if nothing changes

Pipsquiggle · 09/06/2022 11:00

Drinking a bottle of wine a night is NOT normal at all

Triffid1 · 09/06/2022 11:08

If he's been caught drunk driving, I don' blame him for being stressed and not wanting to talk about your holiday.

But the far far bigger issue is... he was drunk driving. And significantly so if I'm understanding this correctly? I mean, that's not okay. It would be bad enough if he'd had a large glass of wine - drank it too fast and didn't eat and that pushed him over the limit. But if he was massively over the limit and was so drunk he felt ill, then he's got a problem. And being nice to you is the least of it.

I have no issue with alcohol whatsoever. But it's not complicated to NOT drink and drive and it's even less complicated to not drink and drive A LOT.

Paq · 09/06/2022 11:12

I think you've posted multiple times about this man and your relationship with him. None of it is good and you are, understandably, not in a space where you can really take this on board. I hope you get the support and understanding IRL that you need.

thelastshadowpuppet · 09/06/2022 11:21

I would contact his parents op as well, let other people know, the worst thing you can do is go along with keeping it secret. Let everyone know he isn't in great shape, he needs support to get help.

Don't this this.

Goodluck op.

ringemoooo · 09/06/2022 11:24

He's not the doctor, is he?

Oh please no, not him again!!

ringemoooo · 09/06/2022 11:27

It's all his fault.
Not your fault at all.
Can't believe someone posted asking if he "felt supported".
WTF????
Doesn't matter whether he "feels supported" or not. He chose to drink and get in the car and drive.
If he didn't feel supported or if he was stressed out with the driving or whatever, he should have discussed this with the OP.

OP, if you are the person who is with the doctor who regularly posts about issues to do with him living away, wanting to move somewhere, the Scotland-Birmingham thing etc, surely you must see that this relationship really isn't working for either of you. It's just a disaster.

AmaryIlis · 09/06/2022 11:31

Of course it's not your fault. You didn't pour the drink down his throat. As a professional, he must have known full well what the potential consequences were of what he was doing.

I hope he's not maintaining the "Feeling unwell so drank after getting out of the car" excuse. Being found to have lied in court will make it all a whole lot worse.

Onwards22 · 09/06/2022 11:39

we currently live apart as I am best family while he works nights

Why do you need to stay with family whilst he works nights?
What will you do when the baby comes?

If he’s been drinking he should absolutely not be driving.
It doesn’t matter if you are in hospital dying or about to give birth.

Why does he think it’s your fault?
Did he tell you he’d been drinking but you told him to come anyway?

He chose to drive after drinking which is completely his fault.

He should not be driving back and forth to come and see you.
If he’s working nights and you’re living somewhere else then you’ll just have to see each other on the weekend.

Sally090807 · 09/06/2022 11:41

JuneJubilee · 09/06/2022 09:52

FTLOF

Show quote history

Irrelevant, he chose to drink and drive and put not only himself at risk but other road users too. There are absolutely no excuses for getting behind the wheel after drinking, absolutely NONE

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/06/2022 11:50

Just some ideas as to why he’s taking it out on you? He’s angry at the world / the
police etc for getting caught. He’s angry because he’s not drinking and this is a detox reaction. He’s angry at himself but in denial.

Whatever the reason, you don’t deserve to be treated this way. The drive is a red herring. My dh is mid 50s. His commute is just shy of an hour each way and he cannot wfh.

Boredsoentertainme · 09/06/2022 11:55

This is hard to understand. He felt unwell so stopped the car, got out and drunk alcohol? And witnesses say he just drunk it?

LookItsMeAgain · 09/06/2022 12:00

Unless you held a gun to his head and said "Drink that" and carried on holding a gun to his head, gave him the keys to the car and said "Drive that", this is entirely his doing and his fault.
He couldn't just not drink before getting behind the wheel of the car?

He definitely sounds stressed (possibly the impact of having a baby is weighing on him but then again, it weighs on every prospective parent so I wouldn't be using that as an excuse) but again, this is not on you. He has to deal with his stressors and trying to find the answer at the bottom of a bottle of wine/liquor is not the solution.

I wish you all the strength to get through this because it sounds like you might need it.

mummymeister · 09/06/2022 12:11

He is an alcoholic and has successfully hidden this for years and has now been caught out. He thought he was invincible, thought he had a handle on it, it wasnt an issue or a problem and now it is. So yes, he is lying to you with some bullshit story. Yes he is deflecting and blaming you because otherwise that means he has to take responsibility and he clearly cant or wont do that. He needs help and you need to stay away from him until his alcoholism is being dealt with. He either takes the positive steps to do this or thats it. Addicts follow a script each and every time. they think what they are saying and doing is unique. It isnt. cut him out of yours and your baby's lives until he sorts himself out. Next time it could be you and the baby in the car involved in an accident. dont let him drag you down to his level.

Paq · 09/06/2022 12:36

ringemoooo · 09/06/2022 11:24

He's not the doctor, is he?

Oh please no, not him again!!

I suspect it is.

Mix56 · 09/06/2022 12:45

Do not accept him blaming you.
Other than you living away for no apparent reason.
He chose to drink
He chose to drive
If he is angry its most likely he is having withdrawal symptoms
Angry he is losing his license
Angry he will be monitored.

Him blaming you, stinks of abuse at worst, or being a weak tosser who wont take responsibility for his own actions at best.

Whiskeypowers · 09/06/2022 12:52

@Melliecf
“What’s upset me is that he’s been aggressive/angry towards me.”

THIS out of the entire situation is what’s upset you?

you should be fucking furious with him and dump his abusive arse. He could have killed someone. What if he does this with your baby in the car?

I have no time for anyone that drink drives or indeed anyone who wrongs their hands over why it happened and what could be ultimately an excuse for it

leave him and don’t go back. Especially if it is indeed the doctor from those other miserable threads.

Whiskeypowers · 09/06/2022 12:53

he could have done this with your baby in the car and wrings not wrongs

pastaandpesto · 09/06/2022 13:10

He’s suggested he was stressed driving back and forth to see me (we currently live apart as I am best family while he works nights) and the last week he said had taken its toll on him driving an hour or so every couple of days and he was very stressed.

Wait while I fetch my tiniest violin.

This is a grown man claiming that driving for an hour a few times a week is so stressful that he felt compelled to drink and drive, risking his own life and that of other drivers and pedestrians? That is one of the most pathetic excuses I have ever heard. He does know that may people have to drive for hours every single day because a commute or as part of the job?

I think this man is showing you who he really is and you should listen, OP. I am really sorry, it is a shit situation to be in but this would be making me seriously rethink the relationship.

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