After 22 years I've realised my PILS just don't like me

[hopeman]

I've NCd for this.

Last week we were away with PILs and BIL's family, and I had somewhat of a lightbulb moment. I've always been somewhat frustrated that my relationship with PILs has been awkward and strained and I've realised it is because they just don't like me. It was particularly stark seeing how they treat their other DiL who was there. They would do things like complement her outfit, praise her for her parenting, generally show an interest in her whereas they barely speak to me, in spite of me making an effort with them.

When we got back both other DIL and I posted photos of the holiday on SM and MIL commented on here but not mine. I sent them an email with an article I'd written thinking it would interest them and they have not replied or acknowledged it.

They barely speak to me. They don't make small talk and never ask me for example, how my work is going which I think is because they don't approve of me working as DIL and MIL sah. They didn't approve of me reading books on holiday and it seems to surprise them that I do, even though I am a writer and read voraciously and they have known this about me for 22 years.

And I just can't figure out why they are like this with me. We don't have loads in common but I have always made such an effort with them over the years, I've always organised lovely gifts, invited them round, provided them with 2 lovely grandchildren, been loyal and devoted to dh and yet they are like this. I'm not sure what I can really do about it??

Have you spoken to your DH about this?

Do you like them as people? Want to have a closer relationship with them?

Personally, I think if they are treating you like that and making so much more of an effort with SIL, I'd back off. You don't deserve that and you definitely don't have to put up with it.

How is your relationship with SIL?

Do you really even want to do anything about it? They sound kind of rude, I have family I am not keen on but I am polite and make an effort in their company. They sound like they don’t bother even trying with you even though you make an effort, maybe it’s time to stop trying and just totally disengage.

I'm not especially bothered about having a close relationship with them but I do want my dc to have a good relationship with their grandparents, and they do really, they adore them. So I feel I have to carry on making an effort to maintain that bond.

SIL and I get on fine. We don't have loads in common but we have dcs of similar ages and they all get on well and it's nice for the cousins to play together.

DH gets a bit frustrated with them but is a teensy bit defensive too when I raise it so I generally don't.

There is nothing you can do, just accept (however hard it is) that for some reason they do not like you.
You say that you read and write (professionally) Do you think that you may come across to them as slightly "superior" because you do things that seem alien to them? (this is not a criticism of you by the way just something I have witnessed in another family)

There will always be people who don't like you, no matter what you are like. It helped a lot when I came to accept that and realise that people not liking me didn't mean I was a bad person.

I've accepted ILs will probably never really like me. MIL blows hot and cold, but she does with everyone. She'd rather DH had married a public-school educated woman with an impressive high-power job and not someone from.... exactly the same kind of background as him but who grew up somewhere a bit less exclusive, didn't go to a public school and doesn't want an impressive job.🙄

As others have said, not everyone likes everyone; I have a friend who is in a similar position, she couldn't understand why her ILs didn't like it, but I could see that she had something of a 'superiority' complex, she felt her ILs life was very dull and provincial ... equally they thought she was very intellectual and 'metropolitan'. Neither was right - or wrong - just very different types of people.

It seems like you’re quite slow on the uptake if it’s been like this for 22 years op! Not everyone likes everyone else; don’t see them as much in future-
leave the comms to your husband

@Shoxfordian yes I realise it does seem ridiculous that I've just realised!

I actually think they have got worse over time in terms of being very disinterested and quite insular. Maybe a covid thing.

Ok, so having had the lightbulb moment, back off from all the invitations round, gifts and so on. I don't mean be off with them, I just mean be polite and pleasant but stop doing stuff for them and initiating things. They clearly take it for granted. Let them become aware that you don't have to and have always chosen to make an effort. You may not get a sudden outpouring of affection and invites back, but you can show that they shouldn't feel entitled to it.

Mine don’t like me either

iI always knew they were snidely parochial judgemental fuckers but I had a light bulb moment after a very hurtful episode and realised that despite my natural generosity, hospitality and all my other amazing qualities, they just don’t care

so

I stopped
the invitations
arranging presents
Calling to check up on them and listen to them
including them in school events
getting then over when I had my parents over
calling them to discuss kids stuff and wee updates

and guess what? My husband didn’t exactly take up the baton. His family his problem. Pretty sure they’ve realised how much
i used to involve them because the difference is stark.

It's easy for others to say - ah they don't like you just get on with it. It's incredibly difficult to actually be around that.

What happened around the dinner table? When you come down in a morning - do they say 'morning' or offer a cup of tea (if they're making one?).

The SM thing could be accidental - or not really mean anything. The fussing over your SIL doesn't mean they actively dislike you - just perhaps they 'really' like her?

When you invite them round what are they like with you?

Also if you've been around for 22yrs have you just become part and parcel - whereas if SIL is newer to the family - could that be a reason they fuss more over her?

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it, don't stress or worry about it, its their loss. It's true not everyone will like you. If they wanted to make effort with you they would have done at the beginning of your marriage.. some 22 years ago! I don't think anything you do now will make them change their ways towards you.

Love your life, be happy and focus on the good and how they interact with your kids.

i've been married 4 years and my ILs are the exact same with me,i know it will never change. I wanted to have a good relationship initially but overtime the relationship became strained and awkward as well and I'm happier now that I no longer try as much as I did before. I'm polite and civil but no longer worry about their behaviour, whether they like me or compare how they treat my SIL better. I've noticed since I put some boundaries in place and became distant they've started to make more of an effort with me. You could try that. Good luck 😀

Maybe they don't "get" you? They might not actually dislike you, but maybe you're cleverer than them or something like that??????

I've had this and I think it's because I didn't marry the golden child ergo other son's wife is not as golden as golden husband's wife!

Don't blame yourself under any circumstances. I had years of trying hard to make them like me despite them including other SIL. Ef If I had the idea of taking a group photo then it would backfire on me as pil would gather round golden child, his wife and grandchild, at least they show love and care to their grandkids, mine are sidelined too which irks me.

Again, its them, not you. Just do your duty and spend more time with your own friends and family xxxxx

Brilliant!

Exactly the same for me OP, they've got worse over the years. Three GC for them and one of DD named after MIL but BIL is the golden boy despite being unemployed for over fifteen years and living off PIL.

Welcome to my world. It been 20 years. I honestly don't give a toss anymore (I used to when i was a lot younger and many a tear has been shed) and recently have been thinking that I really couldn't care less if they were here or not.

Live your own life OP. you can do nothing about it - life is too short

I have issues with my m’n’law, sometimes she has treated me so appallingly my husband and I had to wonder if I had once done something to offend her. So I told my husband to ask her if I had. Apparently when we first met (when I was in my 20s) I told her I was not just going to be a trophy wife and give up work and cook and clean for him that I was going to continue with my career or something like that. That was over 24 years ago that we had that discussion and it effected how she felt about me. Ironically I have been a SAHM for the last 16 years!

Maybe I did something similar then!

Has the relationship since improved?

You need to now do something like Absolutely Lovely has done. You have tried mistakenly over the years to apply “normal” rules of familial relations to his parents who are actually both very dysfunctional. You have also likely come from an emotionally healthy family unit, your husband was not so lucky.

Have you ever asked your H how it was for him growing up in that household?. Why do you think he’s been frustrated with them?. It’s very telling too that when he’s been previously defensive about his parents it’s got to the point you no longer ask him.

What are his boundaries like too when it comes to these people?.. do you and he present a United front?. It’s imperative you do this.

As your children get older they and their cousins will likely go their separate ways. This will make things easier for you as a family unit. I would think that sadly your brother in law and sister in laws children are treated more favourably than your own by your inlaws.

Your brother in law (and therefore his family) are golden whilst your H (and therefore his family unit ) are the scapegoats, therefore you are all scapegoated.
If these people cannot treat you (or for that matter their son) decently or even with a degree of civility then why on earth would you want your children to have a relationship with these people?. It does them no favours at all for them to see the two of you as their mum and dad being openly disrespected.

Would you have tolerated this from a friend?. Ask yourself that question too.

Breathe a sigh of relief and start putting you first.. Let dh manage the dc's relationship with them. Plenty of YOU time for you op.

OP, do you think they could feels bit threatened by your intelligence? I say this as the comments about you reading on holiday are a bit odd. You say she was a SAHM so maybe MIL perceives you as intellectual and this is her way of bringing you down a peg or two.

It’s easy to say to go NC but this will cause a rift. My MIL is okay in very small doses, she lives about 3 hours away so thankfully she’s not on our doorstep, but when DP arranges a visit I only go with him and DC every other time and I have a limit of a 2 night stay! He also knows better than to engage with them about us joining them on holiday. 😳

My PIL are exactly the same - it's really a reflection on them. They are much nicer and friendlier to my husband's brother's girlfriend and she was the OW! Bizarre but I have accepted it and can't say I have much of an interest in them either.

My PIL are exactly the same - it's really a reflection on them. They are much nicer and friendlier to my husband's brother's girlfriend and she was the OW! Bizarre but I have accepted it and can't say I have much of an interest in them either.

I have a toxic mother in law and my own relationship with her is polite civility at best when we meet. We’ve never had a close relationship but I have never tried to seek her approval because I will never receive it. She still very much favours her darling boy and my son (who thankfully knows what she is really like and now as an adult has very little to do with her). She does not like women and sees them as competition.