After 22 years I've realised my PILS just don't like me

[hopeman]

I've NCd for this.

Last week we were away with PILs and BIL's family, and I had somewhat of a lightbulb moment. I've always been somewhat frustrated that my relationship with PILs has been awkward and strained and I've realised it is because they just don't like me. It was particularly stark seeing how they treat their other DiL who was there. They would do things like complement her outfit, praise her for her parenting, generally show an interest in her whereas they barely speak to me, in spite of me making an effort with them.

When we got back both other DIL and I posted photos of the holiday on SM and MIL commented on here but not mine. I sent them an email with an article I'd written thinking it would interest them and they have not replied or acknowledged it.

They barely speak to me. They don't make small talk and never ask me for example, how my work is going which I think is because they don't approve of me working as DIL and MIL sah. They didn't approve of me reading books on holiday and it seems to surprise them that I do, even though I am a writer and read voraciously and they have known this about me for 22 years.

And I just can't figure out why they are like this with me. We don't have loads in common but I have always made such an effort with them over the years, I've always organised lovely gifts, invited them round, provided them with 2 lovely grandchildren, been loyal and devoted to dh and yet they are like this. I'm not sure what I can really do about it??

OP you can be the juiciest, ripest,
most succulent peach in the bowl and there will still be people who just don’t like peaches.

The most beneficial thing you can do for yourself is feel ok with not being liked or loved by the people you think might or should. It doesn’t determine your worth, it says nothing about you that you’re not their cup of tea. So what?

you’re free now, after 22 years of trying to impress and cajole, you’re totally free to let the kids enjoy their grandparents whilst you take a lovely back seat and leave all the boring stuff to SIL - face it, in the future they might need care and help as they age, at least that duty won’t fall to you!

It’s not a bad thing to not be the favourite sometimes!

I think I may know what's going on here. I see similar with my sister. My family is extremely working class, a lot of them don't even work. None gone to uni at all or anything like that. My sister is an academic, she went to uni, then again. PhD, the whole works. She's also obviously very intelligent, dresses differently to them, her boyfriend is very “city type". To me she's the same old sis but they do look at her differently. Some avoid talking to her at all. I think she makes them uncomfortable and self conscious of themselves. It has upset her in the past. She is nicer than us all but that doesn't matter because that is not what the problem is.

I don’t think you need to do anything about it, just be fairly friendly and civil. If anything it sounds like you can make a bit less of an effort.

No one can be liked by everyone - you’d have to be very bland if you were.

I get the impression they might be a bit intimidated by the type of person you are? Not that you can do anything about that, but if it chimes it might be helpful to know that.

Mil is often a bit odd with me. I don't take it personally. I'm as low contact as possible.

This reminds me of the time we were out with mil and dps dn (so her granddaughter) and she confidently declared to dn, out of the blue, that "brainy people usually weren't very nice." Dp and I have amassed a few qualifications between us and were just wtf. What a twatty thing to think, let alone say.

Realised at that point there was an enormous chip on her shoulder that we didn't put there. It explained a lot.

So sorry hopeman, I had this with my Mancunian MIL, she couldn't bear Londoners. Your husband loves you, and that is all that matters.

You are complaining about them not being disinterested in their treatment of you and your SIL. I'm fairly sure you mean they're uninterested.

I am being slightly dickish about a minor mistake because, like a PP, I wonder if that's what they are worrying about when they talk to you? I think it is really easy for people to feel intimated when dealing with a person who seems more qualified or more posh than them - maybe they don't like to ask about your job in case they end up feeling they don't know what else to say?

I also think it's possible it's just quite complicated. They might like you as a person, but find it hard to talk to you; they might want to like you but feel as if they'll never quite be able to relate to you; they might want to like you but might believe you're somehow looking down on them. They might have taken offence over a hundred tiny things you never intended, and you might be picking up on things they never intended.

Well I can't be that intellectually intimidating if I got the word wrong!

Interesting that a few people have said that though. I've not really considered it before.

Does SIL make loads of effort with her? I have a SIL who really puts in 400% more effort than me and I can see why she much prefers her.

MIL is very self absorbed and was pretty disinterested in both of us (SIL agrees about this) I distanced myself, SIL went hell for leather to be nice to MIL because she is really a very nice person. She now has favouritism but felt a lot of rejection on the journey. She obviously feels her route was worth it. I don’t have the patience/ resilience for her route but I guess I feel like I have done my DC a bit of a disservice because they now don’t have a strong bond with their grandmother. I think she has set a much finer example of “being kind”

I wouldn't bother any more. No more thoughtful gifts etc. Just stop trying. Sounds like they are rude to you and on your holiday too. Great fun for you.

Why are you so keen for your dcs to have s relationship with rude, ignorant people who don't value you, their mother?

I've taught my dcs to walk away from rude people, relatives or not.

They don't like you because you read! Distance yourself op, they are not nice people and sound quite uneducated.
Stop buying their presents, leave that to your dh. I would not go on holiday with them again. Never go on holiday with anyone who isn't on the exact same wavelength as you, it never works out well.
It does sound as though they don't like you and you won't change that.
Stop making such an effort leave that to your dh.

I think some people and I include my own in laws here simply have a massive preference for people who seem similar to them. Could this be happening here?

Sorry OP, I couldn´t take anyone seriously who disapproved of me because I read. That is so shallow and petty and ridiculous. They have an inferiority complex and there is nothing you can do about that. Disengage and just leave his family to your husband, I predict he will not bother much.

I'm so sorry.
My MIL treats me as if I don't exist. She doesn't even say hello, I get completely blanked. But I've learned over the years that she's a very jealous woman and hated women who are bubbly and smiley. I've heard her put down lovely women with big personalities- she's clearly intimidated by them and I have concluded that she is intimidated by me.
It has taken years for DP to see what I see, but he looks for it now and pulls her up when she ignores me. She lies and says she responded to me even when she didn't but we know the truth. He has unfortunately spent his life trying to keep her sweet, something I point out to him so he challenges that now.
Don't keep quiet for fear of upsetting your husband. Just factually and gently, point out her behaviours to him. He will begin to notice I promise you.
"Did you notice how MIL spoke to DIL but ignored me when I tried speaking to her? I wonder why she does that?"
Start letting the penny drop. Gently.
Then, you stop wondering why she's like this with you. Because it's her problem and not yours.
Then, you start behaving as a man would in this situation and you stop spending too much time with people who don't respect you or listen to you. Remain polite, remain respectful, be yourself, but don't see them for long periods and don't go on holidays with them.
Over time, I'd hope that your husband will see things as clearly as you do but it does take time.
You don't have to accept her behaviour, you don't have to be in the company of people who make you feel rubbish.
I'm learning slowly and pointing things out to DP, he doesn't like to hear it, but he can't not notice what's going on now.
You sounds wonderful. I always wanted to be a writer; if you were in my family I'd be happy to have you in it.

Op could it be you don’t like them and they know it? There is subtle put downs in your wording, an insinuation you are better than them, and in your own words don’t even care if you have a relationship with them. In my experience that’s hard to hide and generally people know full well and react similarly. You do things for them but only because of your husband and kids, not for any desire to do it for them themselves, so it’s likely they know how you feel and have stopped making an effort.

I wonder if it would be helpful for your DH to gently mention that they aren’t as warm to you and even ask why ,it depends on the relationship but they may make more effort and possibly just don’t realise .

You are complaining about them not being disinterested in their treatment of you and your SIL. I'm fairly sure you mean they're uninterested.

Disinterested /dɪsˈɪnt(ə)rɪstɪd/

adjective
1. not influenced by considerations of personal advantage. "a banker is under an obligation to give disinterested advice"

Similar: unbiased unprejudiced impartial neutral non-partisan

Opposite: biased

2. having or feeling no interest in something; uninterested.
"her father was so disinterested in her progress that he only visited the school once"

Similar: uninterested indifferent incurious unconcerned unmoved
^^
Disinterested works fine in that context, OP.

I thought disinterested was fine too….

Anyway I came to say OP, my FIL doesn’t like me either. After years of digs and passive aggressive behaviour we had a row when he attacked me for the final time and I finally got to the point where I fought back. He apologised in a begrudging way and now we have a respectful distance. No more digs or comments and most importantly I simply don’t care! No more making the effort or worrying what he thinks, or why he’s being funny. No more going round - DH just goes. It’s amazing.

FWIW he dislikes me because he’s a misogynist and as me and DH split everything house work and DC wise and both work, he found it distasteful that I wasn’t doing all the cooking, cleaning and housework. It’s deeply ingrained in that generation. Just a suggestion.

Hope you’re ok. 💐

@Boredsoentertainme can you give an example of what you mean by subtle digs?

When I say I'm not bothered about having a close relationship with them, I don't mean I don't like them, just that we don't have much on common and I suppose I'm no longer desperate to bind with them when they are so obviously no interested in me. I have no ill will towards them.

I do have a great relationship with my own parents, and this is not the case for my sil actually, so I can see why she would maybe seem more invested in pils.

The second meaning given is dodgy, though, isn't it? It only exists because ignorant people will use the word that way.

meh, I'd let it go over my head tbh, sounds like maybe they expect their sons wives to behave like "little women" if you know what I mean and you don't act that way.

Well, while it is upsetting, I think you can finally come to a more honest relationship with them ie. you don't have to care either. I'd let your DH make more effort. Yes, see them, yes maybe even go on holiday. But do you give any fucks? No.

Ha! Can relate. You are just too different. It’s fine don’t let it bother you and stop making such an effort - honestly it’s a relief. Let it go! I used to get all upset about it when the kids babies but not worth it.

ILs are polite and civil to be fair but don’t understand Dh and I. It applies to Dh too they obviously find his brother easier and that’s fine. Dh is so different to them I wonder if he was switched at birth (though they look alike to be fair). The funniest was when mil said my job was “for pocket money”. I am a solicitor 🙄

So now you've had this realisation, what are you going to do?

Are you going to step back and let DH sort gifts, arrange visits etc or just carry on as you've always done?

Well I'm not exactly sure.

I can see how it could be quite liberating to care less about them liking me.

Honestly it makes a huge different having some space, you genuinely do stop caring so much. I used to cry about them
not liking me and now I just don’t care.

lts liberating not seeing them - I haven’t seen them for three years and when my husband and kids go over, I get a movie and a pizza or go shopping and treat it like
a day off.

also we spent Xmas with our relatives who are more engaged and appreciative rather than taking turns with the fun sponge 💪