After 22 years I've realised my PILS just don't like me

[hopeman]

I've NCd for this.

Last week we were away with PILs and BIL's family, and I had somewhat of a lightbulb moment. I've always been somewhat frustrated that my relationship with PILs has been awkward and strained and I've realised it is because they just don't like me. It was particularly stark seeing how they treat their other DiL who was there. They would do things like complement her outfit, praise her for her parenting, generally show an interest in her whereas they barely speak to me, in spite of me making an effort with them.

When we got back both other DIL and I posted photos of the holiday on SM and MIL commented on here but not mine. I sent them an email with an article I'd written thinking it would interest them and they have not replied or acknowledged it.

They barely speak to me. They don't make small talk and never ask me for example, how my work is going which I think is because they don't approve of me working as DIL and MIL sah. They didn't approve of me reading books on holiday and it seems to surprise them that I do, even though I am a writer and read voraciously and they have known this about me for 22 years.

And I just can't figure out why they are like this with me. We don't have loads in common but I have always made such an effort with them over the years, I've always organised lovely gifts, invited them round, provided them with 2 lovely grandchildren, been loyal and devoted to dh and yet they are like this. I'm not sure what I can really do about it??

Hi OP I’m going through this now with my PILs who declared a couple of months ago that they don’t like talking to me and that I’m “aggressive” (they also said this about DH /their son too). Charming. I’m trying not to be bothered by it but after 15 years of trying to be nice/ pleasant etc etc it does feel as though it’s crunch time. They’ve been badly behaved / rude to me for years (MIL and SIL didn’t speak to me the first time I met them) so while I’d be happy not to see them again, I don’t think this is realistic in the longer term. DH also has been defensive of them previously and I think their whole family dynamic is just dysfunctional. It’s frustrating.

Sorry to derail but offering solidarity. It’s easy for others to say don’t be bothered by it - and I’m sure in time you (and I) won’t be but it’s hurtful in the interim.

Agree. It’s the fundamental rejection of you at your very best which is horrible

I realised that my MIL would barely even look at me when we were in company with her sister. She virtually blanked me at her 70th and it made me very suspicious because we’d honestly never had a cross word and I’ve always been …. Nice. All the snidey comments and exchanged glances fell into place. All the things I’d thought I’d imagined and discounted because I’m not used to people disliking me, going back 15 years to them being very lacklustre about our engagement. I was so devastated when it all fit into place . .

They couldn’t get enough of when me I was firing out babies for then however. They’ve caused me so much upset.

To make matters worse, both his brothers have been divorced, have had really horrendous times with overbearing partners and I am hand on heart the only normal DIL they’ve had. We are very happy, my husband and I and cannot see why they can’t respect that? If my son met somebody who loved them as much I love their dad. I’d be so chuffed.

Anyway I am planning on only ever seeing them again at unavoidable times like funerals because we are DONE.

sorry for the day, it’s a painful situation that I don’t talk about to anybody because I’m ashamed to fall into the mother/daughter in law trope.

@TheGlitterFairy

sorru to hear you’re in this now. Who did they say that to?

Haven't read all your responses, so apologies if this has already been said but do YOU actually like them and enjoy THEIR company or do you just 'try hard' to be nice?

If not (and that's fine, we can't like everyone), they probably sense it and over the years have made less effort. People fall into patterns of interacting. For example, when I see my sisters' family, I spend most of the time talking to her as we rarely meet and she's the most interesting to me due to our relationship. After that, her daughter, who has always been friendly. Her husband I like but he is a rather awkward character and conversation can be stilted. One of her sons is a talker who doesn't take an interest in others much and the other is very shy. So maybe most of them think I don't like them, but that is not the case, though I prefer some over others.

I'd stop worrying, keep being friendly and polite, and accept the way it is. You haven't said they are downright unpleasant, which would be different.

@AbsolutelyLoveIy sounds as though we’re in a similar position - it’s very hard to navigate isn’t it.
FIL said this to DH and that no one (rest of ILs) liked talking to me. He (DH) had a falling out with a sibling and this is what prompted the tirade. Am sure that if that hadn’t happened then we would have all carried on as we were which is being polite and getting through a visit (on both sides).
IMO they made their views clear about me a long time ago which is fine - you can’t always get on with everyone and I don’t expect to be best friends with them but equally I don’t expect to be attacked either - I mean, there are a number of things I’ve not been happy with over the years that they have said and done but I’ve kept my mouth shut and got on with it. Its very hard.

I think the best way is to do as you are and see them when necessary and continue to be polite etc. I know that I’ve not been “aggressive” towards any of them (DH has agreed), mainly because I know their thoughts of me and have spent the last decade and a half treading on egg shells around them.

MIL is a controlling manipulative woman and they’ve all spent years doing as she says - she tends to cry if she doesn’t get her own way. It’s all very different to my family who are no means saints but don’t behave in this manner.

As you can probably tell - I’m feeling rather sore about it all still. I expect it’ll take a while to get over.

I have always made such an effort with them over the years, I've always organised lovely gifts, invited them round, provided them with 2 lovely grandchildren, been loyal and devoted to dh and yet they are like this. I'm not sure what I can really do about it??

@AbsolutelyLoveIy has it spot on here. What can you do? Stop all of this. Just stop. When you see them, be polite and civil. “Hello, MIL. You’re looking well. Isn’t the weather lovely?” And that’s it. Leave DH to organise gifts and invite them round. Deal with them as and when you have to for the sake of DH/kids, but don’t give them any more headspace. They’ve made it clear that they don’t like you. That’s fine; not everyone likes everyone else. But why bother with people who don’t like you? Be polite but don’t engage. I certainly wouldn’t go on holiday with them again!

Just drop the rope.
I refer any questions to DH and unless he arranges to see them it doesn’t happen.
I don’t interfere or obstruct anything I just don’t get involved

Cut them off emotionally. You have tried for 22 years. Even if they reciprocated now, I'd find it false or too little too late. That means you say, hello, nice day today isn't it and then ignore them for the rest of the time. Don't send them anything, don't contact them, just reply politely (and blandly) if they speak to you. Send your dh with the kids next time - have him say that you are working or whatever. And if he questions it, tell him that you have had enough, tried for 22 years with nothing in return so you aren't doing it anymore.

The lightbulb moment hurts. It truly does. Being rejected is painful; as social animals humans are hard-wired to be accepted, particularly within a family group. But letting go of the hope that things will ever be different is liberating, too. It frees you from all obligation. That's the position you're now in, and once the hurt of rejection wears off you'll feel better, believe me.

I recognize the actions of your in-laws and know the sort of people capable of them. They're ten-a-penny. Without exception, they're atrocious, manipulative, awful people. They're likely doing a number on their other daughter-in-law as well as you. The level of demonstrative approval surrounding her suggests that a demonstration is likely precisely what it is - of disapproval for you, rather than borne out of any real affection for her. I'm another poster suggesting that you drop the rope. With people like this, the more you try to win their approval the more they'll despise you, and they will often take a perverse pleasure in showing you that. See how much input they still get when you are no longer picking up the slack of the wife-work.

Funnily enough I'm also a voracious reader and a writer (academic and creative). I don't talk about my work with the in-laws as I've been grey-rocking for years, exchanging civil pleasantries but nothing personal at all. (Grey rock is, BTW, easily done, just get them talking about themselves. People generally don't need much encouragement to do this, and you can feign interest whilst giving away nothing about yourself in the process). I also believe there's something about my career that they resent - not necessarily the PiLs but certainly SiL, and PiLs are led by whatever SiL says. There's a subtle implication that if you like literature and the arts, you're up yourself.

You can't do anything about this, other than take a step back and preserve your own self-esteem. No one has to change who they are to please other people.

Crying?! Seriously why do you care?! I genuinely don’t - I am glad I am not the sort of person they would like (small minded/never reads/negative/intimidated by perfectly normal people etc). It’s actually a compliment.

@MsTSwift a good way to look at it!!

Here's what you do about it:

Stop organising any get togethers including arranging for your DC to see them.

Do not host - if DH invites them over he gets to host and cook etc. If he refuses make other plans for yourself to coincide.

Tell DH how hurt you are and that you will no longer be making any effort with them.

Let DH take responsibility for everything - contact with DCs, cards, Xmas pressies, birthdays etc - I mean everything.

Do not visit them with the DCs/DH.

Absolutely do not go on holiday with them ever again.

They sound like twats OP, you are better off without them in your life. Sorry though, it does hurt

My PIL don't like me either so you're not alone! After a massive bust up, I'm now no contact with them. So far, so good. As time goes on, I care less and less about the hurtful things they've said and done. No more feeling second best to BIL and SIL who they think can do no wrong. No longer having to put up with MIL's vile behaviour and FIL enabling her. I finally stood up for myself which for me was the biggest, most important step.

How has your DH taken that @bobbinsboo ? Well done for standing up for yourself.

The second meaning given is dodgy, though, isn't it? It only exists because ignorant people will use the word that way.

Disinterested has meant neutral/appathetic as opposed to uninterested being actively switched off since I was a child.

I know that a strict delineation of disinterested is still taught in public schools because disinterested is used a lot (to mean only definintion 1) in the professions; so it's quite a middle class thing to think there is only one 'proper' meaning.

I don't know whether it was ever the only meaning but, if it was, I think that ship has sailed long ago.

Why on earth do you go away on holiday with them then, if they are that bad? What is it about UK people and holidaying with BILs, SILs, great aunt Mavis etc etc. It is beyond weird. Holidays are for nuclear family; spouse and/or kids. Not for extended family. The UK is the only place I know that does this bizarre practice.

Match their disinterest. They like your dc, continue with that, but the rest (gifts, photos of family holidays etc) can be left to DH to sort out.

I think you have the plot for your next novel here where the daughter-in-law bumps everybody off in the extended family and the final scene is her sitting in her in-laws marital bed the day of the last funeral just sitting and smiling and smiling…

He's ok with it and understands why. He still sees them but without me