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Original poster

Your thoughts..

70 replies

Sydney0101 · 06/06/2022 01:58

Do you think married couples with children (or not) should or shouldn't share what their salaries are with each other ?

Me & hubby fight a lot about finances because I'm very open and he is not and I don't think it's fair or right. I could give you a list but I am curious to know what other married couples think or do with their own spouses.

OP posts:
Marty13 · 06/06/2022 02:18

I think that's something that should have come up long before marriage and/or kids tbh. If not that's pretty dysfunctional.

Marty13 · 06/06/2022 02:20

Out of curiosity does it look like he's hiding something ? Is he secretive about other things ? Frankly I would not be happy about it and I would not let it go.

Original poster
Sydney0101 · 06/06/2022 02:21

Marty13 · 06/06/2022 02:18

I think that's something that should have come up long before marriage and/or kids tbh. If not that's pretty dysfunctional.

Agree but we were "high school sweethearts" so quite young at the time and first baby wasn't planned. We are both older now but I am just curious to know what other married couple do because I do think salaries should be spoken about and so on

OP posts:
Original poster
Sydney0101 · 06/06/2022 02:23

Marty13 · 06/06/2022 02:20

Out of curiosity does it look like he's hiding something ? Is he secretive about other things ? Frankly I would not be happy about it and I would not let it go.

In regards to finances, he has done some secretive things or either I've been last to find out and we have argued about it. I don't understand his logic and think he's wrong

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 06/06/2022 02:32

Of course we're open. How do you plan for retirement, homes, kids' expenses, university? And marriage is a contract. I know there's the hearts and flowers but it is a contract.

Iflyaway · 06/06/2022 02:33

You are married but don't know what your husband's salary is?! Or where his money goes?

I find that ultra weird, sorry.

Original poster
Sydney0101 · 06/06/2022 02:48

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/06/2022 02:32

Of course we're open. How do you plan for retirement, homes, kids' expenses, university? And marriage is a contract. I know there's the hearts and flowers but it is a contract.

It's just his specific salary he has never shared but he has shared what expenses there is just that I don't know on a months basis what he gets. He will tell me if it's a bad month but I want numbers because it's more easy to negativity around things.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sydney0101 · 06/06/2022 02:51

Iflyaway · 06/06/2022 02:33

You are married but don't know what your husband's salary is?! Or where his money goes?

I find that ultra weird, sorry.

Unfortunately no, hard for me to know his every expense as I wouldn't know what I'm comparing against. He's allowed to spend as I am, it's not about control but my argument is that married people should definitely be able to share their exact salaries but he just argues that he's never liked to since he was young. We do discuss bills & things that need to be paid for etc but I am just not satisfied with the level of info I am getting.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 06/06/2022 03:27

Your marriage is shit. Sorry, but it's the truth. Your husband refusing to tell you what he earns is a massive issue, and it's definitely about control. This is 100% LTB territory.

SunshineAndFizz · 06/06/2022 03:31

Totally weird.

Original poster
Sydney0101 · 06/06/2022 03:31

Aquamarine1029 · 06/06/2022 03:27

Your marriage is shit. Sorry, but it's the truth. Your husband refusing to tell you what he earns is a massive issue, and it's definitely about control. This is 100% LTB territory.

I mean I wouldn't call it a shit marriage entirely but defo shit situation to be in. Probably silly but what is LTB ?

OP posts:
Graphista · 06/06/2022 03:37

LTB = leave the bastard

And I'm afraid I agree this is absolutely about control and legally it's all your money together as pp said marriage is a contract primarily centred on sharing of assets

This would be a deal breaker for me how you can possibly have and manage a family budget without openness is beyond me!

Original poster
Sydney0101 · 06/06/2022 03:38

I know people are going to give their opinions good & bad probably but one thing I am happy to know that clearly I am not wrong and it is weird that he doesn't share. He seems to think it's normal and private but it's not private once your married with kids.

Leaving him is not really an option as I have children with him and don't want to put my kids though that but I would love some advise on what I can do because he's made it clear and his counter argument is oh I don't ask yours and never have and won't ask but that's not the issue. I don't know how else to get him to understand where I am coming from and that it should just be natural for him to share what he bloody gets as I openly share. I am not after his money and can look after myself but it's just common logic and decency

OP posts:
Original poster
Sydney0101 · 06/06/2022 03:43

Graphista · 06/06/2022 03:37

LTB = leave the bastard

And I'm afraid I agree this is absolutely about control and legally it's all your money together as pp said marriage is a contract primarily centred on sharing of assets

This would be a deal breaker for me how you can possibly have and manage a family budget without openness is beyond me!

I agree 100% but I can't change the past. If I had started dating him now, I would have definitely had a different approach and would choose more wisely based on things to do with the future. I was a kid back then and head over heels. I know a lot of people wouldn't take a lot that I have had to accept in my marriage but if I am honest, I feel stuck and can't imagine leaving and starting my life over. It's a long history but I can see what others are trying to say

OP posts:
Minster2012 · 06/06/2022 04:02

Yes it's weird. DH & I "share" everything although both of us have multiple separate accounts as well as a joint one cos that's easiest but we regularly have conversations saying "how much do WE have saved atm?" And we go through it all. I do know a couple where she doesn't know his salary & yet they've still got a mortgage & have been together 15 years. It's acknowledged that it's v weird they don't have these "adult" conversations but they aren't married & so it's a bit different.

If your DH WON'T tell you, that's def wrong & would be major red flag for me

Onthemaintrunkline · 06/06/2022 05:20

Yr H needs to read the comments on here to realize how out of step he is. He’s in a marriage, it’s a partnership, that means sharing information relating to you all as a family. He’s behaving, financially speaking, as a singleton.

maythe4thbewithme · 06/06/2022 05:28

Tricky one. Guessing he's the main earner? I don't think DH particularly knows what my take home pay is - I organise all the bills etc as I'm the main earner by a very long way. His salary goes into a "joint" account and he gets a certain amount of spending money per month. He's never asked what my salary is or how much spending im left with but neither does he pay for any abnormal bills like repairs or holidays or big purchases for the kids like pushchairs. I know his salary but I need to since I organise all our finance

It's what you are happy with that matters not what MN think

(Don't give a toss if that's financial abuse - DH couldn't manage a piggy bank)

easyday · 06/06/2022 05:30

Yes. Marriage is based on trust and finances are part of that.
I knew what my husband earned, how much he paid his ex wife, how much his kids school fees were, how much he put in his pension etc. He didn't go around saying 'oh I'm going to put an extra 100 in for DS1 savings' or whatnot, but he did tell me when anything significant was coming up so we could discuss it.

FearlessFreddie · 06/06/2022 05:33

Yes, pretty shocking. How can you plan for the future if you don’t share this sort of basic information?

Do you know whether he has a pension?

fallfallfall · 06/06/2022 05:44

100% share all financial info. Since prior to engagement.

girlmom21 · 06/06/2022 06:27

I have a friend who doesn't know her husbands salary. He just tells her they can or can't afford what she asks for.
If she wants to increase her hours at work she has to ask him and he'll say no they can't afford childcare.

It's absurd. It's all about control.

KangarooKenny · 06/06/2022 06:56

If a partner is allowed privacy in a marriage, such as not sharing texts and phone stuff, then why should he have to tell his wage ?
You can’t say that you are entitled to privacy, but only in the parts that MNers decree.

FearlessFreddie · 06/06/2022 07:08

KangarooKenny · 06/06/2022 06:56

If a partner is allowed privacy in a marriage, such as not sharing texts and phone stuff, then why should he have to tell his wage ?
You can’t say that you are entitled to privacy, but only in the parts that MNers decree.

Because what you each earn affects the life decisions you make. How can you decide to buy a house or have a baby or plan your retirement if you haven’t got the first idea what your joint income is?

fallfallfall · 06/06/2022 07:10

@KangarooKenny, privacy is for the toilet.
phone and text privacy is immature, live alone if that’s what you want.
marriage is a financial union.
withholding financial info is financial infidelity.

MagicTurtle · 06/06/2022 07:13

I know DH's salary, he knows mine and all finances are shared. That's what I'd expect in a healthy marriage.