Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Your thoughts..

70 replies

Sydney0101 · 06/06/2022 01:58

Do you think married couples with children (or not) should or shouldn't share what their salaries are with each other ?

Me & hubby fight a lot about finances because I'm very open and he is not and I don't think it's fair or right. I could give you a list but I am curious to know what other married couples think or do with their own spouses.

OP posts:
HousePlantLandlord · 06/06/2022 13:29

When did you last buy a house? He’s have to provide salary info for that.

I know what my OH earns (we’re unmarried, no kids yet) and vice versa. I’d find it absurd to not know how much money’s coming into the house.

LuaDipa · 06/06/2022 13:39

After your last update I agree this is financial abuse and I would be heading straight to see a solicitor. You earn significantly less and are paying all bills - it’s utterly wrong. I don’t know how he can bear to look at himself. He is scum.

trevthecat · 06/06/2022 13:46

We have one main pot, for bills and householdstuff, then a savings pot and then our own pots for spending as we wish. We are open about our finances.

Sydney0101 · 06/06/2022 13:58

It's so hard to hear everyone saying it sounds like financial abuse, and I am sure your all right.

He has me sooooo convinced that he wouldn't do anything to put me in a bad place and if I mentioned that he always says he rather he be bad than me.

He's never deprived me off money before but I do agree we need to discuss where payments are going and who's it's going out of.

I do think though he likes to have control where he can send money or spend and for me not to question it. It's soo much more complicated than I can put into words but dare I ever tell him he's controlling me, he would be livid and disagree.

He goes to me oh if you had access to online banking, your the type of person who would go in and check on a daily basis where if I had access I would never log on. It's just so dumb, hurts my head.

OP posts:
Sydney0101 · 06/06/2022 14:03

It's also a lot more complicated to just up and leave.

My oldest is very attached to her dad and I know I would be blamed for everything.

I come form a culture where what western cultures see as abuse, in our culture no one seems to bat an eye.

The thought of starting over just gives me so much anxiety. Sometimes where I have really bad days, I want to leave and never look back and then when we are good with each other and I feel so in love, I can't imagine ever leaving or breaking my family.

He will have a counter argument for anything I accuse him off so he's never the bad one.

OP posts:
WhatsInAMolatovMocktail · 06/06/2022 14:05

It is totally weird that he won’t share details of his salary. Even my dysfunctional marriage isn’t that weird!

Triffid1 · 06/06/2022 14:49

@Sydney0101 I don't know what culture you come from, but it seems to me quite often that when this excuse is rolled out, in many many cases, only PART of whatever was/is the cultural norm is present. Inevitably, of course, it's the part that works for the man.

So, for example, while my family is not particularly religious, I grew up surrounded by lots of pretty hardcore christians. I have lost count of the number of weddings I have attended where not only is "obey" included in the vows, but there's usually some reading or homily about what this means. And it's all about yes, man is head of the house blah blah, but it's his job to care for and look out for his wife and children etc.... But in real life, in my experience, the grooms really only want the "obey" part and the traditional split of labour so that the women takes on all the household chores. The other parts are missing - the part where he earns enough so that she doesn't have to; the part where he is expected to spend time with his children to impart all those things only a "man" can teach; the part where because he's in charge he takes on all kinds of responsibilities. These couples who are my generation don't seem to see how incredibly different their own childhood's were - eg in our community, at least half my friends' mothers were SAHM but certainly, I can't comment on total financial stuff but there was always money for good haircuts, nice clothing etc etc; certain things were absolutely expected to be the dads who did them - late night lift clubs, oversight and engagement with all sporting activities, any "dirty/heavy" jobs etc. My grandmother told me that she was horrified when my grandmother died to discover that he'd had significantly less spending money than him throughout their lives - because he saw it as his job to take on the "big expenses" and her earnings were "pin money".

Needless to say, I have very little time for many of the men I grew up with and I suspect their (traditional) fathers are as horrified by them as I am.

And of course, while my little liberal heart finds this hard, there are also some cultures that really just do treat women terribly in every way. So if your culture is one of those, then appreciate it will be that much harder to extricate yourself.

MsMarch · 06/06/2022 14:55

If your DD is so attached, does that mean that he's doing a lot with and for your DC? Or is she attached because she's desperate for his attention?

Sorry to be cynical but SIL constantly refers to not being able to split up with BIL because of how much DC love him - except from what I can tell, they spend their loves trying to get his attention, mostly unsuccessfully. If he takes them to swimming lessons they consider it the best and most amazing experience ever. Probably because mostly he doesn't do school runs, bed times, swimming lessons or any of the other day to day activities children love having their parents around for.

Spohn · 06/06/2022 17:41

He would have to fund and parent his kids if you ditched him. 50% of the marital assets are yours.

tootiredtospeak · 06/06/2022 17:52

We know each other salaries and net income. Each month it gets pooled we then pay all our Bill's put some in savings and split the rest 50/50 for each of us to spend. I always find it weird when anyone doesnt do this but I know they dont. My DP works FT and earns approx 40k I earn 20k PT some would say I dont deserve as much as him to spend and others would say I do. I do we are a team and it's our familys income. If we are seperate people with seperate finances then we may as well be seperate.

Fearneyox · 06/06/2022 18:01

Me and mine know exact salaries each month, why wouldn’t you share this with your partner/spouse?! Any type of secrecy in a partnership is not healthy it’ll just eat away at your trust. Ask him if losing your trust and respect is worth keeping his salary a secret. Spoiler - it’s not!

MagicTurtle · 06/06/2022 18:04

What? He earns a lot more than you yet you pay more of the bills? That makes no sense at all??

D0lphine · 06/06/2022 18:40

Me and my OH know exactly what each other earns, to the penny. We know vaguely how much we have in savings, how much left on the mortgage etc. and if either asked the other we could say precisely how much.

I'd think it was bizarre if I didn't know his salary!

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/06/2022 20:31

Currently, I pay all household bills & earn less than him and he pays day to day

I doubt there are many cultures where women are expected to pay all the bills.

But you don't want to leave and counselling is a bad idea when there's abuse. So you put up with it I suppose. I wouldn't.

badhappening · 06/06/2022 22:24

Can’t you do some snooping at home?

When similar positions to his are advertised in your company, is the salary stated?

It would drive me insane not knowing.

There’s only one reason he’s not disclosing it to you, and that’s because he’s stashing it away.

You are in effect inadvertently supporting his greed and deceipt by paying too much proportionately towards the bills.

junebirthdaygirl · 06/06/2022 23:52

My dh was self employed and so l was not always aware of every penny he earned. However he paid all the bills and my salary went on incidental spending so it was never an issue..Funny he is quite happy to have you pay all the bills even though he earns more than you. That's so totally not fair..how can he not see that.
Could you say..l don't care how much your exact salary is but l want the standing orders to come out of your account from now on. Who is paying the mortgage? Has he a life insurance policy?
How can he decide if ye can afford something or not eg a new car.
I would put more emphasis on what he pays for than how much he earns. Some brat sitting back while you pay the bills. Shocking!

notlongtoo · 07/06/2022 09:44

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Fuzzyhippo · 07/06/2022 16:10

I've been with my partner for 7 years, although not married and likely never will be I don't know his income or where is income goes. And it'll remain the same if we were married since I feel it's not really any of my business, nor is mine his since we don't live together. If we had a family unit and a shared home, that would be a different story though

TheOriginalClownfish · 07/06/2022 16:37

We pool everything. There's been times when he was out of work, or me, or I was on reduced maternity pay.

We both know each other's bank card pins. I don't know exactly what he brings home every month but if I needed to, I know I've that information noted somewhere for some financial thing we did. And vice versa.

I think we are at similar levels of thrift/spend, and would tend to agree on how to manage our finances, so that helps a lot with harmony. And I probably spend too much on my hobby supplies at times but he likes expensive craft beers and is a smoker so both of us give the other a bit of a pass on that as it's really the only spending we do on ourselves.

If you are single, I understand a 50/50 split of finances, or better yet, a % proprortional to your relative incomes, but when you get to the point where one of you is reducing your hours, your pension, your income and career progression or prospects due to children it absolutely should be pooled and fully transparent.

EmilyBolton · 07/06/2022 16:43

You might want to point out to him that when you divorce he will be required by law to declare all his assets and trying to hide assets is taken very poorly by courts.
marriage is a legal and financial contract. “He” no longer has individual assets any more than you. They are your marriageable assets.
I simply do not understand why people get married not realising this. You pool your resources. There are advantages in doing that . All marriages have periods where one or more partners earnings take a knock (maternity, unemployment, illness, retiring at different ages etc) . It is give and take form a joint pot .
if he doesn’t want to do this then he shouldn’t have got married. So divorce and he’ll soon have to declare everything.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page