Your thoughts..

[Sydney0101]

Do you think married couples with children (or not) should or shouldn't share what their salaries are with each other ?

Me & hubby fight a lot about finances because I'm very open and he is not and I don't think it's fair or right. I could give you a list but I am curious to know what other married couples think or do with their own spouses.

Maybe you could go at it via a different angle, set up a joint account, say you both pay X amount in each month to cover all outgoings, would it matter to you then as long as you know those things are covered?
I don't know how much my OH earns, but I know he earns enough to financially support himself & we'll earn enough between us to support a family
Please don't ever stay together just for the sake of children, this is damaging to a child, they will pick up on things if their parents aren't happy, I grew up this way where 1 parent stayed for my sake and i resent them.

I don’t live with my do and we aren’t married and I know his salary and vice versa. It’s come up in conversations a few times and we talk to each other about job hunting, etc.

I don’t really see salary as a big taboo though. I wouldn’t broadcast it to strangers but also wouldn’t keep it a secret intentionally. I’m going through divorce and buying my ex out though so I think the whole world has had to know my salary recently.

As a result, I also know my ex’s salary, pension, outgoings, etc. tell your dh if you divorce him you will find out sharpish exactly what he earns.

I agree. I don’t think married couples should have that much privacy from each other, but on here you get slaughtered if you dare look at your DH’s phone. It’s a double standard.

How on earth can you know that you are paying a fair amount into the family pot if you dont know his salary?
Weve done it both ways, paying by % so that we both had the same spends left over , now we have a joint savings and joint current account.

Marrige, as has been mentioned, is literally a contract to share assets and income.
This situation is just madness.

How else do you ensure a financial balance? How do you know your spouse isn't getting you into a fuck load of debt?

Should SAHP's be grateful for whatever they're given? Is financial abuse ok?

Interesting seeing these comments! I have no idea what my H earns, I have no access to his accounts / finances. I thought this was normal until quite recently! It's far from normal and my marriage isn't real either.. I'd take what people are saying here as a huge red flag OP.

Yes, I know exactly what Dh earns as it is paid into the joint account. That includes any bonuses he gets too.

It is controlling for one person to hide their salary when they are married. In my mind any person not willing to disclose their salary when they are married with children is earning far more than they let on and spending it on themselves or squirrelling it away.

If you are doing fine on your salary, he happily shares household and family bills, you are stashing away enough for a good pension from your salty I don't think it matters

I get all the gory pension contributions/tax implication details whether I want them or not!

It's a big part of life, money, so discussing, especially if you live together/married/children it's just part of a healthy relationship. It lightens the load being able to discuss money victories and stresses. Putting to one side the secretary of such a vital aspect.

Definitely odd. We don't discuss our salaries with friends etc but we certainly know each other's. Neither of us keeps track of what the other spends outside of joint stuff but it's absolutely no secret between us how much we have coming in/going out.

My husband earns well and I have full knowledge of his finances and access to his money. Not that I take advantage of that. I'm very frugal and earn my own money too (which is also shared between us). I think when you're married you pool your resources and all money and assets become shared. Your husband's attitude towards the finances reveals a lot about how he views marriage.

Wish I could respond to each message but very interesting responses.

We both work in the same company and so I know he definitely earns a lot more than me and I know what his pension is not by figures but based on a percentage and also what kind of care package as they don't disclose his salary etc.

I do find it weird that he can't tell me and I said he doesn't need to act all humble with me because I'm not the general population when it comes to his salary but his wife and mother of his children. I think it would shock you all and I would probably get slaughtered if I said how we "split" the bills. However, I have stopped to think a lot of times that it's not fair or right that he knows all mine but flip knows what he's doing with his money that I have no idea about and and can't question because I don't know etc.

I will give you an example of a most recent disagreement and it infuriates me till this day. His mum wanted to take out a mortgage on her house but can't afford it so knowing she can't afford it asked my husband and without discussing it with me had made all these plans with his family and went and put the deposit on the house (just under 10k). That deposit came from a pot that he had put together for our oldest kid. We argued so much over it that if I am honest I just wanted to walk away from him. His counter argument was that it was a good investment but for who because in that case the house should fully go to us since we put that deposit down and I am sure we will be responsible paying the mortgage eventually but instead the house in the will is split between her kids (she only has 2) and the other kid put nothing towards it so why should the house be split between them when that deposit money was my kids. He get defensive over it and frankly I don't think he cares what I think. He acts like he's sick and tired of listening to me argue over it but he doesn't care to think why I'm mad.

The more I'm typing on here, the more angry I'm getting just thinking about it. I told him last night that I think he is very dishonest when it comes to money and he clearly has a lack of trust to not share or he thinks he's being clever and trying to control finances so I have no clue what he's spending or I'm last to find out.

A lot of things keep building up and if I am honest, I am close to boiling point and who knows what will come out my mouth once I burst and pop.

His excuses are absolutely absurd and I can't accept them. My family think I'm lying when I tell him I actually don't know what he gets and they look at me like I'm really stupid and probably am.

My ex h wasn't open with me and it caused a lot of issues. Not arguments about me wanting to know, but him making out I should go buy stuff/treat myself/kids/buy certain foods/take aways etc, but then he'd get really annoyed I spent too much money even though he would make out we had the money and ask me to go buy these things and was very spendy himself (for example, business class flights, expensive holidays, nice cars).

He never allowed me to know or look through the accounts (we didn't have a joint account) apart from once to make me go through months and months worth of spending and add it up and tell him exactly how much I'd spent. He then made me feel awful and wouldn't let it go that I'd spend X amount on FOOD for our family of 4, yet he never saw any issue with the amount he was spending.

"I do find it weird that he can't tell me and I said he doesn't need to act all humble with me because I'm not the general population when it comes to his salary but his wife and mother of his children. I think it would shock you all and I would probably get slaughtered if I said how we "split" the bills"

My guess is not at all proportionally because you do not know how much he is earning. Such selfish and self absorbed men never want to share; mean with money, mean with love is their mantra. He only cares about his own self ultimately and getting his needs met.

I would also think you pay for everything to do with the children in terms of childcare, clothes, their activities, their dental care etc. Bills for your things like say a phone and a car; y'know things you use primarily are your responsibility to pay for. Do you have to approach him for an allowance?. I would imagine you are left with very little at the end of the month and certainly do not spend much on your own self.

What are you still getting out of this relationship exactly?. You're still there with him because.....

Stating that you cannot leave because of the children in addition is further hanging yourself by your own petard. Its absolutely no reason to stay with such a secretive and controlling individual. Infact what he is doing here amounts to financial abuse because he is using money to control you and in turn your kids. What do you think they are learning from you and their dad about relationships here?. A shed load of damaging lessons that's what and this is no legacy to be leaving them.

Sydney

re your comment that I have further separated out:

"Leaving him is not really an option as I have children with him and don't want to put my kids though that"

See my previous response. I would additionally add these situations do not improve any and once your eyes are further opened you cannot unsee what he is doing to you all here. Its a harsh and fast learning curve.

" but I would love some advise on what I can do because he's made it clear and his counter argument is oh I don't ask yours and never have and won't ask but that's not the issue."

Leave is my counsel to you; there is really no other option. If you consider counselling GO ON YOUR OWN. Certainly do not do any form of joint counselling with him; it is not recommended in these situations. He's being deliberately obtuse; I would think he knows precisely what you earn because he is in full control of the finances.

"I don't know how else to get him to understand where I am coming from and that it should just be natural for him to share what he bloody gets as I openly share".

You will never get him to understand as this is who he really is; a secretive and in addition a financially controlling individual. These types never want to share.

"I am not after his money and can look after myself but it's just common logic and decency"

I can well imagine you've had to learn and learn fast how to budget money effectively for you and your kids. Your point of view is irrelevant to him and so he further stonewalls and otherwise dissuades you; itself abusive actions.

I sincerely hope you can and will find it within yourself to be free of him and his power and control of you all.

Just reading your update made me angry for you, OP! How dare he commit your children's money without even discussing it with you!
We don't pool our money and personally I don't necessarily think you have to if you're both comfortable with it but you have an absolute right to be across your family finances and you can't do that if you don't know what 50% of them are!

I couldn't marry or bring a child into a relationship without knowing how we (jointly) would both provide for that child/house/bills etc - part of that is knowing how much someone earns to ensure it is fair. My opinion might be slightly skewered by my Dad financially fucking over my Mum during their marriage though.

Any ex I've lived with, I've always known their salary (or thereabouts) before moving in together and they have known mine - not only to check affordability, but to ensure a fair split.

Been married for 3.5 years, with my husband since we were 16, so around 11 years now. We share all of those details. We both get paid into a joint account and that is where all our bills get paid from. To us, it's not 'my' money and 'his' money... it's 'our' money, even though I earn significantly less than him (I work part time as we have a child). I know exactly what he earns, monthly and yearly and vice versa. We dont split the bills either, we just pay them from the one account. So yes, to me, this seems very very weird. I would definitely be questioning why he needs to keep that a secret from you.

Feel really down that I'm being taken for a mug clearly. I have questioned him numerous times and asked why but it's not a good enough response. He just says it's not something that is right or wrong about knowing salary but actually it's wrong so he is wrong!

He would never do a joint account, that's completely absurd to him. He does provide for our kids and get them anything they need or want but I have been covering bills for years now and he's like an easy access for any money I need but I've turned cards on him now and told him that since he's obviously earning lots more than me, he can cover everything now and I'll pay whatever he's paying now. Why should I be putting 90% of my money and barely have anything at the end of it whilst he gets to enjoy all his (sure he's has expenses also) but I also want to be able to save for my kids and clear off any debts I have.

I know people say I shouldn't stay because of the kids but it's much easier said than done and we have a newborn baby so it's all a bit of a mess. He would be happy for me to never bring up salary again but I can't let it go and I feel like it's a battle I'll never win.

How do you work out how to share finances & bills if you don't know what he earns? What about holidays etc?

Most married couples with kids don't split things 50/50 unless they earn the exact same

Currently, I pay all household bills & earn less than him and he pays day to day so if I am going out, I'll use his card probably after I've used my own and holidays he has always funded that & I have contributed what I can. With kids, we both pay for things they need/want and food shopping he mainly gets now but I also do contribute . As a whole, I think I probably contribute and pay out a lot more. However, I have said that I want us to sit down and talk about expenses we have but he gets all funny and the responses he gives me make me feel quite bad for asking and then I back off because of how he responds.

No wonder he doesn't want you to know his salary.

You paying all the bills and him only doing to 'day to day' when he earns more is ridiculous. No wonder he's happy to keep his salary to himself

Do you think he spends or saves? If it's savings you'd prob be entitled to 50% if you were to kick him to the kerb....assuming you can prove it's there

WOAH. This is financial abuse. You KNOW that he earns more, albeit not how MUCH more and yet you're paying all the bills. I mean, if nothing else, it should be quite easy to work out how much each of you are contributing to the household pot - rent/mortgage, food, bills, day-to-day expenses etc. And from what you've written, it sounds like at best you're paying 50% but possibly more?

OP, I am sorry, but I'm afraid you have a much bigger problem here.

If he won't share the details of what he earns, which is ridiculous, you should be sitting down and agreeing who pays for what in a way that is more fair.

But really, I'd be considering leaving. Before that though, for the first time ever, I'd suggest taking some time to do some investigating. Is your house or other assets in joint names? Is there anyway to be a bit sneaky and get information on his assets/savings? Because I'm guessing he has it all stashed away and in the case of a divorce you are going to have to force him to reveal things so the more you know, the better.

OP, your posts are actually making me feel a little queasy. This is the most obvious case of financial abuse I've seen on MN in a long time. And there are regularly some pretty bad cases. I'm struggling to understand how you got into a situation where you are paying all the household expenses. He pays "day to day"? What does that mean? Days out or clothes for the kids? What about child-care?

And what about at home? because in my experience, men who are financially abusive are also useless at home - not doing their fair share, often emotionally manipulative and controlling.

As a whole, I think I probably contribute and pay out a lot more. However, I have said that I want us to sit down and talk about expenses we have but he gets all funny and the responses he gives me make me feel quite bad for asking and then I back off because of how he responds.

This paragraph is giving me chills. I'd actually consider calling Women Aid to get some advice.

I could have written the majority of what you've said and the penny dropped a while ago that it was financial abuse. I really had no idea, just like you so take comfort in the fact your certainly not alone. I pay all the household bills minus 1 (so he has a some hold of utilities as evidence)..! You really need to think on your feet and get smarter because I've been so controlled I'm struggling to find the funds to leave! I will be leaving shortly and with very little just to get away. The legal and financial side can wait until I'm out. It's is sadly not uncommon 😞