Dating for men vs women

[ToastedWaffle]

I am female and just wanted some perspective. Maybe I spend too much time on MN, but having been single for the past few years I realise the thought of dating a man again terrifies me. I've had abusive relationships in the past. I now have no time and tolerance for dickheads, sex pests, narcissists, cheats, abusers etc so I don't even venture into OLD.

I've had blokes come on to me many a time but its obvious they just want a shag or are at the very least are trying it on with multiple women as if anything with tits and a pulse will do.

So I'm wondering if men find dating easy or do they have to wade through tons of shit ones just like us ladies do? Are men generally less fussy in what they seek in a female partner? IME they seem to just hedge their bets with any woman and casts their nets far and wide. I think women are a bit more discerning.

Would love to hear from a males perspective.

Not even sure I'm making sense, I'm tired.

Again, people overlook the fact men outnumber women generally. Hence why men tend to be less picky

I think the 'pickiness' depends on the objective! I would say most men on OLD are just looking for a quick shag and to put it bluntly would compromise on quite a bit to achieve it. Those men seriously intent on finding a long term partner can be just as selective or 'picky' as their female counterparts. This idea that a bloke would settle down and marry any ill suited person they stumble across is a bit lazy.

Are you sure? There are more women than men in the UK.

I think he is referring specifically to OLD. There are more women in the general population due to women having a longer life expectancy but more men OLD of all ages (looking to get laid in the main).

ToastedWaffle

I think spending too long on the MN relationship boards is probably not entirely healthy as they are not a good barometer on the state of the nations relationship health. You are getting disproportionally exposed to a very negative perspective.

It has been a while since I tried OLD (pre tinder) but I did it on and off over a period of about five years so can offer my observations.

There were lots of crap profiles, no photos, lazy write up's of the "if you want to know more message me" variety, blurred photos, old photos, long lists of dislikes as opposed to what they do like, too many cat photos, too many filters being used etc

I got the impression that there were plenty of 'players', people just happy to date and have a bit of fun but were not really serious about a LTR. There also seemed to be a number of people I can only describe as being bored at work, happy to swap messages all day but the moment the question of meeting came up they were busy or whatever, only for them to start the flirty messaging the next day again.

Once I had fine tuned my 'radar' as it were to eliminate the obvious loons and timewasters the actually quality of the dates I went on was much better. I ended up meeting genuinely interesting funny women, even if the romantic spark was not there I did not see the date as a failure as I had just spent a lunch or evening with someone who I would not have met via my normal social circles. Some went on to become firm friends.

Like most people I had the disappointment of knock backs, have had to end things after several dates myself which is never nice and sometimes got a bit disillusioned with it all at which point I stepped back for several months and recharged my batteries. I guess I tried to keep OLD as just another option to meeting people, I still went out to bars, parties, dinners etc with friends where you still met other people, I just did not put all my eggs in one basket.

My experience with men if I were to make a sweeping generalisation, is that they don't care who the shag/date but they don't tend to want to tie themselves down. If they date a nice girl, even if they are punching above themselves a bit, they tend to think 'hmm, if I can get this, what else can I get?'.

I do think they date a lot of terrible women too though. I mean think if how many workplace bullies are out in the world...they date men right? (Well, some of them). But id say on a whole its probably easier for guys to find a decent woman than for women to find a decent man that doesn't have a sweetshop mentality.

I think nowadays being long time single is such an easy option compared to the past.

(I know the housing crisis - but in the past an unmarried person would just live with their parents forever - that doesn't happen too often now).

So for that means I'm not bothered about being in a couple or down dating. I have someone regular for sex and a bit of companionship which unfortunately has recently ended, and I plan to get another like him if I can find someone similar.

I'd like more casual short term relationships, even if realistically I'm not likely to find someone long term, but I struggle to find guys I want to right swipe on, let alone meet up, let alone have sex with.

Nothing I can do about that, so I just live my life and forget about it.

I can’t remember where I saw or read it, but a few years back there was something online about which sex has the “power” in the dating world, and how it changes by age.

It made the suggestion that in the teen years and into people’s twenties it’s pretty much all with the women. Most women could acquire a casual or serious partner simply by not saying no, or by showing slight interest in a boy or man.

In late twenties this starts to change. Men grow up, their earning potential increases and, importantly, a decent fraction of women decide that they would like children, that time is passing quickly, and that they need to get a move on and find a suitable partner to parent with.

It was relatively well-argued, and was making the point to young men that they should not sell themselves short by marrying the first “OK” woman to pay them some attention before the age of twenty five.

I might try to look it up, and see if it still rings true.

I was always very, very picky.
I had specific qualities in mind, 95% of the women I dated weren't suitable.
In the end, after multi-dating, I met Dp 3 yrs ago.
She ticks most of the mental list I wanted in a partner, even then she still has some qualities that raise an eyebrow.
Post-divorce it's difficult, simply because I'm not prepared to settle for any nonsense.
I think for a man, he needs to realize a woman will never love him how he wants.

@Hrpuffnstuff1
What did your list look like?

Family values.
Who are her friends?
What does she talk about-Intelligence?
Attitude toward money-financially responsible.
Goals-what does she want for her future, this ties in with family goals.
Entertainment-NO drunkards, druggies, smokers, etc.
Conflict resolution-contentious-anger-selfishness-or is listening and being reasonable is the default.

Then there has to be a spark-that stop and stare boom. Otherwise, it just doesn't happen for me at all.
Blonde-slim.

As a male I'd say you're pretty accurate there.

I was making this point on another thread recently. It kind of swings from women to men as we get older. That's my experience anyway.

Does it? I did OLD years ago, before Tinder, and got very little attention. I'm now 50 and getting loads of interest. I imagine I have changed over the last 15-20 years, or however long it is, but men around my age seem more grateful and appreciative than they once did, and I've had no one laugh in my face as they did back then. May be it's because OLD is now so widespread, the men are also part of a much wider pool. Or maybe I just don't take it as seriously - the dates which aren't fun are usually worth a funny story, at least, but I suspect in my 30s, I'd have been nearer despairing than laughing.

My husband has mentioned to me before how it seemed to happen with him. He was a bit of a “nerd” at school, friendly with plenty of boys and girls, but never going out with anyone. He then started going out with a woman who was one of the first to show interest in him, and so never dated or had any way to understand if anyone else was interested.

In his late twenties they split up, and his company asked him to move to New York fir a year.

As he put it later, he could not work out what on Earth happened, but for the first time in his life, beautiful, clever, single women made no secret of the fact that they would very much like to know him better.

I expect part of that was the effect of the British accent outside of Britain. But an Irish friend reported similar - no interest till he was 23, and then the floodgates opened. (35 years on, I can understand why, but he has unhelpful opinions about long distance relationships.)

I’m my experience I would say that’s mostly true, as a teenager/ younger man I was very unsure about dating and nervous around women, as an older man now I have more self confidence and don’t really worry so much about what people think so much

I had my first snog on the back of the bus on the residential aged 10 or something. Then at senior school I was put with a group of girls in my form.
Of course, I turned red in the beginning but being around girls from an early age gave me the confidence to just be me and treat girls and women as people rather than another species.
I was always an avid reader of my mum's magazines.😂

treat girls and women as people rather than another species.

I’ve heard/read this so many times and I find it so strange, and it’s always men saying about women.
I have never heard a woman thinking males are some different species or that any woman has ever had to go through a journey just to discover that males are humans…..
Isin’t it strange?

Basically the point is, don't be a bumbling blushing fool.😂