Dating for men vs women

[ToastedWaffle]

I am female and just wanted some perspective. Maybe I spend too much time on MN, but having been single for the past few years I realise the thought of dating a man again terrifies me. I've had abusive relationships in the past. I now have no time and tolerance for dickheads, sex pests, narcissists, cheats, abusers etc so I don't even venture into OLD.

I've had blokes come on to me many a time but its obvious they just want a shag or are at the very least are trying it on with multiple women as if anything with tits and a pulse will do.

So I'm wondering if men find dating easy or do they have to wade through tons of shit ones just like us ladies do? Are men generally less fussy in what they seek in a female partner? IME they seem to just hedge their bets with any woman and casts their nets far and wide. I think women are a bit more discerning.

Would love to hear from a males perspective.

Not even sure I'm making sense, I'm tired.

I think there are some men who do genuinely want relationships. But, I don't think those men are the type to randomly chat you up/flirt with you. I also think most men you use OLD use it purely for sex.

Most men probably think women only want to have kids and get married. So it goes the other way too.

Yes I think it’s easier for men to date as I think more women are looking for relationships than men so A man looking for a relationship is more likely to find a woman also looking for a relationship but men ime (my experience!) mainly are looking for sex so women will come across more men looking for no strings sex than men coming across women looking for just sex, hope that makes sense, in my head it does anyway!

And yet my Mr said previous ONStands left him feeling empty.

We both got fully STI tested before unprotected sex. And both prefer sex as it develops with a loving, long term partner.

People, male and female are just as diverse just as humans are.

I bet many men feel like that whether they admit it or not.

A very recent example for me personally. In February this year, someone I vaguely know who found himself single again started messaging me a lot. It was obvious he wanted either a shag or maybe more from me. Blowing up my phone constantly. He is a friend of my brothers. Eventually he starts to "hint" that he found me attractive blah blah blah. I kindly let him down making sure he knew I saw him as nothing more than a friend.

He was very open and honest with me that he was dating other women (fine with me, I wasnt interested in him like that) and he told me he was sleeping around a lot.

Within the past month and a half he is now on a new relationship. Good on him, he looks really happy. But the point being is that he was messaging anyone that was single. It is only when I friend-zoned him he opened up about shagging/seeing other women. The last time I saw him, he propositioned me for a shag. I do wonder if his current partner knows this. Maybe she was seeing other men too? Just seems that men will try any avenue to get something even hitting up acquaintances. Then boom! They are with someone and happy. Is it really that simple? For me it's not.

The dating game is a man’s world from my experience. Kids in a sweetshop, particularly those just out of LTR’s. Got to kiss a lot of frogs to find your match unless very lucky. I have met men who were clearly still married as they wanted to meet in strange places at strange times of the day, men who had literally split up from a 10 year marriage at the weekend and were registered within a day of moving out and still hung up on their ex’s. Men who made it clear after one coffee date that they only wanted FWB! It was a minefield.

But it is completely off-putting 🤮

I'm sure I read somewhere ages ago that something like 60% of women are going for the top 10% of men.

I can see that being realistic, and statistics like that make dating an absolute minefield for both sexes. When I joined tinder I ended up just paying the £30 as it seemed worth it (you can just see all the people who swiped on you to save time having to swipe yourself). I swear by the end of the weekend I signed up I had over 2,000 swipes waiting to be reviewed. The end of that week almost 5,000.

I very quickly realised it was kinda pointless / hopeless. Sure, all these men have swiped me but I'm apparently competing with 60% of all the women on the app for 10% of them 😂 and I actually have to find them. And even I do find them, they probably swiped because I'm attractive but realistically why would they specifically choose me when I'm 30 years old, have kids and don't really want more, and have a fair few non-negotiables I'll have to vet for (nothing casual, no students etc). If they want casual fun I'm out, and if they want to settle down and have kids they're looking for women in their mid-twenties. It's sad but also the most likely reality.

It all just seemed really disheartening. Deleted it and trying Hinge now which I doubt is any better but at least I can't physically see the evidence of how this is literally a hunt for a unicorn staring me in the face! And trying to be more realistic about what I really want and what the men I want will actually want instead of expecting them to line up at my door 💁🏻‍♀️ it's all you can do really.

How do you define the top 10% of men though?

Top 10% of what @ringalingling . Money? Career? Looks? Availability?

This has been my experience (I’m an early 50s man, so may not be appropriate / applicable to your age & situation)
Im pretty average looking, tallish and slimmer build & was looking for someone age appropriate (about 45 to about 55) so, yes the sweet shop thing kicks in pretty quickly, but after your filters are set ( age , distance), that number of sweets gets much smaller, ( I’m semi rural, so fewer potential matches ), then you start looking at your selection of profiles and some will quickly qualify themselves out due to poor profiles/ blank bio etc, so your number of sweets gets smaller still, then some qualify you out as they want attributes or traits you don’t have, so your number of sweets gets smaller still, down to say 10 people, you might like or swipe right on those 10, maybe 3 will like you back, so you message those 3 and none respond.

so you leave the sweet shop empty handed, but I think some of this purely down to location, Obviously in a large metropolitan area, each pool would be larger so probably a greater chance of meeting someone.

This has been my experience too! I've been ghosted, stood up, asked for sex and then there are the chancers who just want to chat about sex.

You can't. It's a made up percentage to keep women thankful.

The percentage is not defined as to why. All it is saying is that for some reason, what ever reason, 60% of the women on the dating site have selected a 10% group of men. Something about the men and their profile in that 10% are appealing to a wide group of women. That is all.

I think that the challenges men and women face in the online dating arena are very different, and neither is likely to understand and relate to the other. My experience was that it was pretty easy from a womans profile to tell a mile off that she was wanting someone to fix her and fix her life, looking for a father for her kids, or living in an instagram reality...and there were a lot of those profiles.

I think men do find dating harder sometimes.

I've met a very good looking man (not in a bar) who told us he was fed up of bars and similar good looking women after him because they were shallow.

I met a man 2-3 weeks ago in a bar who at first was chatting to my friend and then decided he preferred me. He's a bit younger though. I think sometimes men go after what they can get and for what they want them for rather than long term serious stuff.

I caught up with a female friend in her mid 50s though at the weekend who's divorced (her DH cheated on her) and her mum died last year and she went on a third date with a man yesterday. Wasn't expecting it and not sure where he met him but said he was really nice and kind. I think you can meet nice men.

My experience generally even with OLD (and have dated some men from OLD) is that a lot of men on OLD are on the same sites (I've seen it) and treat it very much like a sweet shop. You get men who say "I've never done this before" (load of rubbish!), men who try to be overtly sexual with you or mess you around.

I even met someone recently who approached me and said he'd heard about the 'Chad and Tyrone' stereotypes on dating sites, e.g. who women tend to go for. I personally think if you look into those stereotypes as a man or woman then you're too far down the rabbit hole!

Oh 10% of online profiles.......

That's just the ones better at PowerPoint surely.

Going by what a male friend* says, it is also challenging for men. He says he was seeing one woman, and after about 6 weeks, she expected him to spend every weekend with her. As he shares parenting 50:50, that wasn't feasible, because his children come first. He's also had scammers.

I don't think I've had any men trying to scam me, but maybe they just moved on. I am finding OLD a different experience now I'm 50 from what it was when I was in my 30s, more successful, actually, though nothing long term to date - but then I'd been single for a decade and wanted to have a bit of fun whole remembering what it was all about. I'm very much of the view that potential dates need to enhance my existing life rather than fill some gap, so I suspect I'm a lot more likely to swipe no, and not give much of the benefit of the doubt.

There are some bloody awful profiles out there, though - blurry photos, miserable-looking photos, up the nose, photos with scruffy, unmade beds behind them, or in the loos, group photos eith no indicationof whose profile it is, profiles with their arm round a woman, who might be a sister, a colleague, a friend, an adult daughter - or their ex-wife... and ones with no info "will fill in later". These are probably the men who are most vocal about how crap OLD is and how rubbish all women on OLD are, without ever wondering if they are really presenting themselves in their best light.

• He could very easily get us both off OLD by getting over his unreasonable hang-up about long distance relationships...

I met my now bf in real life but we were both on OLD sites when we first met.

It sounds tough from a male perspective too but for different reasons. He said he felt a lot of ladies were on the sites for attention or a confidence boost. If it ever got to the date stage he always felt they were out to see what they could get out of home (money, gifts etc). He said the majority were high drama and hard work and were often quite open about how many men were chasing them and expected the men to compete for their attention

He also said most profiles were very heavily filtered and a lot of cat fishes. Only interested in dating men over 6ft, earning a certain amount, driving a nice car etc

It's not like he was just saying that to me as he's very open about other times when it's worked out so is not worried of me being jealous etc

I also think there are far more men on tinder etc than there are women so they're already at a disadvantage (statistically)

Let's be honest, I think women have the upper hand when it comes to dating. For the simple fact, there is an uneven gender ratio in the UK (not as bad as China, India or the middle East), therefore there is a surplus of men. Fact is we can afford to be more picky.

There is an article in this months Red about the dating world now, It includes a list of newer dating apps including Elate which is an app for those who like manners and courtesy.

www.elatedate.com/

I do think that dating apps are set up for men. Men are historically very visually motivated where women are less so. This seems to be why the quality of men on the apps can be so poor. Don't get me wrong, I have heard that men can have it tough too but I do think the odds are stacked against women with regards to the quality of men.

Only interested in dating men over 6ft, earning a certain amount, driving a nice car etc

Maybe that explains the car pics. I am not intending to date a car, so I do not care what car you have.

You can't. It's a made up percentage to keep women thankful.

I mean that's one way of reading it but surely the 90% of men would be "kept thankful" by it too?

The Q about what the percentage means has already been answered by someone and I took it the same way - for whatever reason (looks, job, profile, lifestyle etc) the vast majority of swipes were going to 10% of men.

Are there any sites where you can leave a comment on someone's profile after a meet-up for other people to see? I think that would be a woman-friendly app and might encourage better behaviour...