Recently widowed mother wanting to come after birth of baby

[theotherfossilsister]

My mother is eighty. She is lovely and I was a very late baby. My dad died last month and I miss him horribly although they live/d abroad.

DP and I are hoping for our first baby in August (I say hoping as I am still so scared even this far along and baby boy is measuring small.) It still feels like I'm throwing caution to the wind when I say I'm having a baby.

Mum has lots of health problems (diabetes, arthritis, padgets, asthma) but she does amazingly. She can also be incredibly critical. When we went over for my father's funeral she was very critical of my weight - which is a common theme with her, as she thinks I've put it on in the wrong places. She also criticised another family member for not breastfeeding.

She's very concerned about me and still in some ways sees me as a child as I am autistic and dyspraxic. I have a job, a relationship, a baby hopefully on the way but she still feels very much that I need her help and protection. In someways this has been amazing, but it's also very hard and she can be overbearing.

She wants to come and stay for the week of, and the week after the birth. She has previously been very critical of our flat, attempted to sack our cleaner and hire a new one, etc. DP acknowledges she is lovely but hates how overbearing she is, and how critical of me.

DP's currently has a very ill parent so she cannot stay with the in laws. She also had a falling out with them several years ago although hopefully that will be resolved now.

She's widowed, sad, lovely and sees this baby as a ray of light and wants to be here. DP thinks she will criticise everything, stop us bonding, mean he will no longer be able to work from home and destroy my confidence. I love her but I see where DP is coming from.

We live in a city where accommodation is ridiculous in August due to a festival. I don't know what to do, I love her but I see absolutely what DP is saying. We have no friends she can stay with. DP is desperate for space to bond with his baby and feels having her will adversely affect this.

Also, to add, the child part of me loves the idea of having her there in a very primal 'I want my mum at this vulnerable time' way, altho I think my feeling's coloured by my Dad dieing, and in reality I see that all DP says is true and fair. I just feel so sad and stuck.

You have to arrange for her to come after about 2 weeks later than she wants. Definitely prioritise your DP here. Your mum can come and visit once you’ve had those important initial weeks.

I would also say wait till your baby is a couple of weeks old.

I would put her off until after your husbands paternity leave at least. Maybe suggest September for a visit due to the accommodation prices?

Realistically unless your husband is useless or you have multiple other children I would put off having anyone else involved once you are home. And she doesn't sound as independant as you'd perhaps hope anyway...

Thank you Squirrels xx

Keep her away until you have had time to adjust to family life. She isn't going to be a welcome guest by your thread.... Ime becoming a dgm does not change a rubbish dm imto a great dm. Becoming a dm have me the confidence to keep my dm at arms length.

When you say accommodation ridiculous do you mean eye-wateringly expensive or impossible to get anything? You've got some dilemma there OP. You really can't let her stay with you but to ban her from coming until later is not going to go down well and frankly is also a shame.
Tent in the garden and lock the back door for pre-arranged hours? Only joking.
Congratulations and I hope your pregnancy goes really well.

I’m really sorry for your loss and totally understand this is a factor. Also the ‘want my mum’ thing.

But birth is unpredictable so you can’t realistically say she’ll be arriving ‘week of and week after’ as it may be earlier/later than planned. Presumably your DP will be taking paternity leave, so the working from home thing isn’t strictly relevant?

If I were you I’d make a plan to beseech her help in staying as soon as your DP is back at work from paternity leave as this would be most helpful for you all - lay it on thick how you feel you will need her most of all then. And ask DP to think of a plan for his WFH arrangement whilst she stays - can he go into the office more, or work from a coffee shop, etc.

Get her accomodation in late September/early October. Explain baby might be up to 2 weeks late and you would hate for her to come too early. Also explain that then DH has 2 weeks paternity. It will be after this time you would really value her coming as you will really need her then. Hopefully the fact she has a date in the diary will appease her. You can find affordable accommodation for her near enough but not too far. You and DH will have had plenty of time to bond with baby and get into a sort of routine before she comes.

Could you book in a trip when you are around 7 months to go see her? Maybe on your own, so she still feels a part of the pregnancy?

Don't impose your "lovely" mother on DP.
It's his home too, it's his baby too, & if the sexes were reversed PP would be telling your DP that he doesn't have a MiL problem, he has a partner problem ...

You have enough on your plate without pandering to a woman who has managed to fall out with DP's parents & who can't open her mouth without criticising you.

See her when YOU are ready, not when she dictates.
And when she does come, make sure you are ready to present a united front with DP. DO you ever push back, or have you got used to just absorbing her nastiness? I suggest you start pushing back robustly.

When she criticises your weight - "oh DO give it a rest mother" & the same for every negative remark she makes. Make it a catchphrase for you & DP - almost making a running joke out of it. She needs to know that her barbs are unacceptable & that you will rip the piss out of her if she starts. Laughter & piss-taking are phenomenal tools for taking a controlling person's perceived power away. They end up like the Wizard of Oz - pathetic bullies, exposed behind the curtain.

I would also suggest delaying a bit. Those early weeks you want to just hunker down as a new family and figure things out. You will be feeling vulnerable and emotional and if you can't count on someone being nothing but supportive they won't be helpful to have around. With your hormones all over the smallest critical comment is likely to cut much deeper than it usually would. Your husband I'm guessing is taking paternity leave and that is such a short time it will be important to make the most of it together.

honestly she doesn't sound lovely to me......

She doesn't sound very lovely at all. She sounds horribly critical and undermining.

I would tell her when she can visit. And not when you're just having the baby when you're finding your feet. You need supportive people around you, not people who will make you doubt yourself.

This is a real opportunity for you to start establishing some boundaries with her. If you don't do it now, it's going to be very hard to wrest back control further down the line

Your DP is right.

And he is your baby’s other parent, he has a right to space to be a father and welcome his child alongside you. He will be with you all the way along your parenting journey, you need to be a team.

You need to be clear. Tell your Mum you simply do not have room in your flat, that DP is wfh, and be honest and say you and Dp want time to bond in privacy, and that you will invite her once all is well, and there is accommodation available after the festival.

You only get your newborn weeks once. It is the most special time. You absolutely do not need to spend it with someone who comments on your weight, breastfeeding etc etc.

I understand your ‘child’ yearnings for your Mum, but is that for your actual Mum, or the gentle, tactful, supportive Mum you wish she was?

Let her come when DHs paternity leave has finished. Big it up as that's when you'll really need the extra support and help - and it's true.
Being there for the birth and the immediate week after is an unreasonable and intrusive ask, even if it comes from a good place.

Definitely encourage her to come in September.

explain that you and do want to spend the first few weeks home alone and that having her stay would be too much for you just after giving birth.

Thank you everyone. She can be lovely, warm and kind and she can be horrible, interfering and critical. I honestly love her so much and she has many good things about her, but I do find she undermines me(although it was good to have a mum who fought my corner when I was young about things like special needs at school and even getting some social work support for my autism when I started university and living independently so there is a flip side.)

Dp has said he is worried about my anxiety disorder and OCD being perpetuated by her criticism and the work I'm doing in counselling being undone. She will mean well though.

I think all your suggestions are good, especially about her coming later. We were even thinking of seeing how fast we can get a baby passport to see her.

I'll talk to her. She's very vulnerable and broken at the moment, literally shattered by dad dieing.

Perhaps I can talk to the perinatal counsellor about it, although she might just be for birth anxiety.

Baby is much more likely to be early than late as we're with fetal medicine and they're talking about inducing.

I would like to echo prioritising your partner's feelings here rather than your mother's.

And yours of course.

Definitely tell her to come over later on. Frame it as being able to have a nicer time with her as you will be more settled and not so chaotic.

If September is better accommodation-wise then go with that. If she doesn't actually stay with you then you might even enjoy her visit which would be wonderful 😀.

I’m sure the counsellor will be helpful to talk to. That’s a good plan.

If you’re going to be induced and the baby may be early, then there’s also perhaps the possibility that you and the baby will spend a bit more time in hospital - Id tell your mum this, that you really want to make sure she visits at the best time for everyone.

Definitely wait a few weeks. I love my MIL very much, but when I had my first I found it stressful having her (and my mother) waiting for us when we brought him home.

Thank you, I have counselling on Thursday so will talk about it then. There is the chance of a hospital stay, which scares me and actually makes the childish wanting my mum part of me even stronger. I'm terrified of the baby dieing or ending up in NICU which I would need her for.

If all went well though I'd love to have her in September and staying somewhere else, maybe coming for meals and baby cuddles then going back to her accomodation. I have lovely images of her cuddling her grandchild and being lovely, but frightened that partner is right and she will be overcritical.

It's impossible to get accomodation here in August. Just had a look

Can you not just tell DM that you will be finding your feet with a newborn & need to feel comfortable & become confident & you won't feel that you will able to do that if she feels the need to step in or take over or is critical. That you want her to visit but feel anxious you & DH will be under her scrutiny..... you can tell her nicely & that you do hope she will be there for cuddles & are looking forward to her bonding with her new grandbaby. I understand that your DH is anxious & wants to protect you & your family unit. It is v important that he has his bonding time & is comfortable in his own home...but you seem to be very aware in your own right of the issues betw you & your DM so maybe it is now time to be able to manage & take control of your relationship with your own DM. I hope whenever she does come she is warm & fuzzy...grandchildren might have that effect & soften the edges...& you being a parent will give you the strength to change the dynamic for the better.

Why did you write the word lovely and more than once too re your mother?. Think about this and ask yourself why. Not all people, let alone parents are lovely and kind and sone of them like your mother remain actively abusive.

People are programmed to love their parents anyway, no matter how abusive they are. Your mother is not lovely at all towards you and never has been. I also doubt very much she is sad in the ways you think she is, she perhaps made his passing away all about her. Did she and your dad actually like each other?.

She has failed you abjectly as a parent. Overbearing and critical people like your mother are not lovely at all. She still sees you as a child being somehow incapable and still wants to control you. Given her health conditions too along with her general frame of mind she is far more likely to be a hinderance to you rather than any sort of help.

Sadly your mother is not and will never be the nice person or mother you still want her to be. Abusive people can be “nice” sometimes but their nice/nasty cycle of abuse is a continuous one. Many people with such toxic people as a parents fall into the trap of allowing the abusive parent to establish a relationship with their grandchild, a decision they come to regret so please keep her well away from your child. Your mother has not changed a bit and remains critical towards you. It’s not your fault she is the ways she is and you did not make her that way.

in the unlikely event your child ended up in NICU what use would your mother be to you?. This is your anxiety at work here along with your own fear, obligation and guilt towards your mother. She’d probably be critical and perhaps imply that you were at fault somehow. Please speak to your counsellor about fear obligation and guilt.

You need to grieve for the relationship you should have had with her rather than the one you actually got. Reading Toxic Parents by Susan Forward could help you.

She needs to come later, and so your DP can work, she'll need to stay elsewhere - plus it'll give you both the space you'll need.
You definitely don't want her there whilst you're bonding it'll be awful as you'll be worried about what she may say, because you already are worried ... tell her late sept