Recently widowed mother wanting to come after birth of baby

[theotherfossilsister]

My mother is eighty. She is lovely and I was a very late baby. My dad died last month and I miss him horribly although they live/d abroad.

DP and I are hoping for our first baby in August (I say hoping as I am still so scared even this far along and baby boy is measuring small.) It still feels like I'm throwing caution to the wind when I say I'm having a baby.

Mum has lots of health problems (diabetes, arthritis, padgets, asthma) but she does amazingly. She can also be incredibly critical. When we went over for my father's funeral she was very critical of my weight - which is a common theme with her, as she thinks I've put it on in the wrong places. She also criticised another family member for not breastfeeding.

She's very concerned about me and still in some ways sees me as a child as I am autistic and dyspraxic. I have a job, a relationship, a baby hopefully on the way but she still feels very much that I need her help and protection. In someways this has been amazing, but it's also very hard and she can be overbearing.

She wants to come and stay for the week of, and the week after the birth. She has previously been very critical of our flat, attempted to sack our cleaner and hire a new one, etc. DP acknowledges she is lovely but hates how overbearing she is, and how critical of me.

DP's currently has a very ill parent so she cannot stay with the in laws. She also had a falling out with them several years ago although hopefully that will be resolved now.

She's widowed, sad, lovely and sees this baby as a ray of light and wants to be here. DP thinks she will criticise everything, stop us bonding, mean he will no longer be able to work from home and destroy my confidence. I love her but I see where DP is coming from.

We live in a city where accommodation is ridiculous in August due to a festival. I don't know what to do, I love her but I see absolutely what DP is saying. We have no friends she can stay with. DP is desperate for space to bond with his baby and feels having her will adversely affect this.

My great-grandmother Elizabeth Alice (veteran mother of nine children) went to stay with my grandmother after my mother (grandma's first child) was born. She left ten years later in a box. I've never heard a complaint about those years, but be aware of the possibility of a very-much extended visit.

I would think she is more than capable of finding somewhere to stay. Neither of you should be involved in that.

Your partner has your interests at heart, your mother does not. She will continue to ruin your life if you keep on allowing her in. Why would you want her to have a relationship with your child given how she has and continues to abuse you?. Manipulating you as she is doing here is not loving behaviour.

I imagine this thread has been a tough read for you OP? I agree with the posters saying your mother is abusive and toxic, but that must be difficult for you to read too, especially when you still love her deeply.

In the immediate future, you don’t need any extra stress or anxiety from her while you’re awaiting baby’s arrival. Don’t feel bad about hanging up on her, it’s really important to protect yourself, especially at the moment when you have enough on your plate.

If you still want her to visit, it will have to be at your convenience. Stand firm on this, your DP sounds like a good ally who has the measure of the situation. It may be better for him to communicate with her for now.

No, not definitely. Prioritise him only if you're confident he can be of greater support to you than your mum. Which is by no means a given. In the first two weeks after giving birth, you and your baby are the most important. Everyone else, mum and husband included, needs to fit in. If you do decide you need your mum, your DH can put up with it for a couple of weeks. No one's bond with their child should be so weak a fortnight should disrupt it.

Just a tiny remark. No one's house is tidy with a new baby!

Op your husbands first weeks with the baby are so precious and irreplaceable. I have seen dad's pushed out of the way at this time by over bearing relatives and irs sad.

Your mum can come any time and she will be far more useful and welcome a few weeks post birth..then she can also stay elsewhere.

My mil once commented on our messy house (6x dc) I told her she knew where the door was and nobody begged her to visit.

Your mother has done a real number on you

You seem to be deep in the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). You urgently need to read the Toxic Parents book and discuss your mother in therapy. You might also find the Stately Homes threads helpful.

I'm not sure why you're talking about losing your mother. Putting boundaries in place does not mean losing her. She might threaten it, she might stop contacting you for a while, contact might reduce overall. But there is a very very long scale with lots of steps between letting her rule your life and cutting her out completely.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4531618-April-2022-well-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes

Oh good grief, please listen to your DP, he’s right. Sorry but she really isn’t lovely, her behaviour towards you is terrible. You will be exhausted and extremely vulnerable after the birth and she will criticise and bully you, because she always does. Don’t do it to yourself. Look up F,O,G as pp have suggested.
I know she’s the only mother you have and you love her and feel sorry for her, but letting her be around in those first couple of weeks would be a huge mistake.

That’s the fear obligation and guilt she saddled you with at play

you know why you’re booking accommodation, and if left to her she won’t book anything and she’ll “just HAVE to stay with you…”

your dp is behind you, he loves and wants the best for you and he knows what you’re suggesting she do - stay somewhere else - is the only way to manage this

the fact she’s threatening you with SS is appalling (and you know this!) stick to your plan, or dp can tell her that if she carries on with threats, she’ll not be invited to come at all.

Your mother is a critical, controlling, spiteful witch.

And your reaction is typical of someone in an abusive relationship.

Thank you all. This is difficult but I'm going to see if my perinatal counsellor is ok to talk about it xx

Baby s going to come early, between thirty two and thirty six weeks. I feel like I need her as I'm very frightened. DP has said she can stay with his parents however if she lets go of old falling out. They wrote her a card and letter about how sad it was about my dad.

I have another thread about baby and health. I knew this is was possible from referral to fetal medicine