Recently widowed mother wanting to come after birth of baby

[theotherfossilsister]

My mother is eighty. She is lovely and I was a very late baby. My dad died last month and I miss him horribly although they live/d abroad.

DP and I are hoping for our first baby in August (I say hoping as I am still so scared even this far along and baby boy is measuring small.) It still feels like I'm throwing caution to the wind when I say I'm having a baby.

Mum has lots of health problems (diabetes, arthritis, padgets, asthma) but she does amazingly. She can also be incredibly critical. When we went over for my father's funeral she was very critical of my weight - which is a common theme with her, as she thinks I've put it on in the wrong places. She also criticised another family member for not breastfeeding.

She's very concerned about me and still in some ways sees me as a child as I am autistic and dyspraxic. I have a job, a relationship, a baby hopefully on the way but she still feels very much that I need her help and protection. In someways this has been amazing, but it's also very hard and she can be overbearing.

She wants to come and stay for the week of, and the week after the birth. She has previously been very critical of our flat, attempted to sack our cleaner and hire a new one, etc. DP acknowledges she is lovely but hates how overbearing she is, and how critical of me.

DP's currently has a very ill parent so she cannot stay with the in laws. She also had a falling out with them several years ago although hopefully that will be resolved now.

She's widowed, sad, lovely and sees this baby as a ray of light and wants to be here. DP thinks she will criticise everything, stop us bonding, mean he will no longer be able to work from home and destroy my confidence. I love her but I see where DP is coming from.

We live in a city where accommodation is ridiculous in August due to a festival. I don't know what to do, I love her but I see absolutely what DP is saying. We have no friends she can stay with. DP is desperate for space to bond with his baby and feels having her will adversely affect this.

Book something for her in September, it’s non negotiable l, she can’t stay with you.

listen to your DP. He has the measure of her and your best interests at heart.

she’s toxic, you know this

Take it from someone who knows. Don't even tell her you're in Labour. Lie about dates if you have to. Say baby due later than previously thought.

You & your dh have a right to this special time with your baby without criticism or interference.
Good luck OP xx

Unless you really want her and you think she's going to be a big help to you I would put her off until baby is a couple of weeks old.

Thank you for all the replies. It's true that her behaviour can be toxic and upsetting but she can also be warm, kind, loving and empathic. She's got particular bugbears about weight and cleanliness though so it's always safer to steer her away from those topics

I do want her involved in her grandchild's life, but I think those saying ask her to come later are right. I also do need to work at stating boundaries.

I know she'll want to re-home our cat as she doesn't think they're safe with babies but I love the cat.

Hmmmm. I think you've fallen into the trap of believing (convincing yourself?) that because your mother is not toxic all the time, she's not toxic. Well, I'm afraid she is. I have a mother who is similarly unpredictable (sometimes lovely and helpful, sometimes not) and it means you can never rely on her because you're always on edge and you always risk getting the criticism or the unhelpful impact when it's the last thing you need.

My advice is to read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward and listen to your DP. I think he's spot on. I don't think your mother should visit until after baby is born and she should absolutely categorically not stay at your home. If accommodation is impossible to come by in August, she'll just have to visit in September instead.

Putting boundaries in place is crucial and you need to start now. It gets easier the more you do it but may be difficult at first. Get some practice before baby is born!

I absolutely agree with what everyone has said. When my first grandchild was expected ( overseas) my son wanted me to go over straightaway for a couple of weeks. I knew it wasn’t a good idea so suggested I go when the baby was a month/6 weeks old. They told me when I did visit that they were glad I suggested coming later.
You don’t want to be worrying about your mother’s comfort etc when recovering from childbirth and bonding.
If she is “ lovely” she will understand.

Interesting phrasing: I know she'll want to re-home our cat

You mean ‘she’ll want us to re-home our cat’.

But the way you’ve phrased it sounds like she’ll think that’s an acceptable thing to take upon herself.

It may be you just typed quickly but then you’re almost apologetic about justifying why the cat should stay (of course it should!) so think about how you see the power in your relationship.

Keep working at stuff in counselling. Some people’s mothers are harder to have relationships with than others. You love her and she loves you, you just need the boundaries remapping a bit now you’re also going to be someone’s mother.

This is my suggestion.

She comes in September, stays somewhere else, and only for a week. Before she arrives, you and your DP agree some clear boundaries between the pair of you that she has to stick to, and you both agree to ensure that they’re enforced - these would be to protect his role as your child’s father and your mental health. You will need to have an agreed approach for dealing with her criticisms.

Consider that she is 80, with a variety of health concerns, lives abroad, and recently widowed - regardless of what you may expect from her, she is likely to need a degree of care from you after she’s arrived. This won’t be situation where a parent arrives and pitches in to be helpful after the arrival of a newborn. You’re under foetal medicine at the moment and have some concerns about an early induction - you need to think about what level of additional work you’ll reasonably be able to accommodate.

You say you love her and that she means well and that she’s lovely. But then say she’s critical, has fallen out with OP’s parents, and that you’re in perinatal counselling with your OP having (I’d say) well-founded fears about her arrival undoing the progress you’ve made.

Ir sounds to me like this visit will end up being all on her terms at a time when it should be the other way round, unless you are extremely careful.

I just told her that dp is looking for somewhere else to stay and she was devastated. I ended up hanging up on her when she said she would have to get in touch with social services again because of my autism. In tears. I love her so much and cannot cut her out.

I'm terribly worried about her now and want to call back and take it all back. It's true I am messy with my dyspraxia and struggle with things. I really miss my dad. I hate that she's all alone and so sad and let down.

Wow! She has now threatened you with SS. She isn’t lovely at all, she’s toxic, using emotional blackmail like that is just wrong!

Your baby, your home, your rules!

It is true that we don't always keep the place that tidy but we will with a baby. We'll work on it and I just couldn't talk to her anymore after what she said about social services

SS helped me before when I was finding my feet and becoming independent.

God I hate to think of her alone and sad but I did need to hang up.

Stop it, stop it. Your mother is a controlling, toxic woman who can't bear that you have managed to forge a lovely life outside of her control. She does not have your best interests at heart. How dare she threaten you with Social Services. Stop letting her do this to you.

I can't lose my mum as well as my dad.

Sorry if I sound pathetic. I do love her and understand this comes from a place of concern. She genuinely doesn't think I can care for a baby and that dp us lazy with housework.

You can care for a baby though, can’t you? Being autistic and dyspraxic isn’t a bar to that. Be kind to yourself.

what did you mean when you said DP was looking for a place to stay?

And anyway, so what if she contacts social services? That’s only a problem if there is actually a problem. Otherwise it’s support, like you experienced before. Don’t spiral.

Your mother wants you to be controlled by her as an Such behaviour towards you is abusive. And she is using your autism and dyspraxia against you as well.

For her to suggest the use of Social services because of your autism is hideous. Social services will not be interested in such malicious reports.

Why do you think this from your mother comes from a place of concern?. All she cares about is her own self. Your mother is abusive and has been so towards you your entire life. She will wreak your life and you will lose both your partner and your cat if you at all continue to listen to her demands. Put you and your partner first, not your so called mother. I am so sorry that your dad died but he was a bystander here to your abuse and failed to protect you from her.

A place for her to stay

My baby has just turned 1 month... don't do it. Put you and the family first. Honestly so glad I pushed back against people as it was really intense and overbearing mothers from both sides, we're ruining moments. So glad I did x

Social Services know of you and will continue to support you. Being autistic is no reason or barrier to being a parent. It is perhaps when you become a parent yourself that you will realise that you would not treat your child like your mother has done.

Your mother wants you to spiral down into her pit and for you to be completely in her power.

Ah, OK. Then she’s just reacting out of upset. Grief is a powerful thing too, and feeling rejected. Putting the phone down was the right thing to do in the moment. It’s the start of boundaries.

I would suggest your mum visiting when your DP returns to work but not staying with you. My mum came to stay when DD was 4 weeks after DH went back to work, she didn’t stay with us but it was still hard.

I had a really hard time breastfeeding and we were readmitted to hospital when my mum was hoping to come down. I think you probably want to be about 6 weeks in so if you are deciding to breastfeed you have it established. If you are wanting to breastfeed but struggling you really don’t need any critical comments. You just need someone to hug you and tell you’re doing the best you can, someone to bring you snacks, bring you a pillow to help feed. If breastfeeding still doesn’t work for you, you need someone to hug you and tell you that bottle feeding is absolutely fine. If you don’t want to breastfeed, you need someone who just accepts your decision and looks up the best bottles. You’re also going to be very vulnerable and you just don’t need any comments, you don’t need to be told you’re not eating well when you’re feeding the baby at 3am and you’re eating a biscuit to help you stay awake. Can DP work wfh but in a room with the door closed when your mum is visiting? Then if she makes any comments you can speak to DP as he makes a drink, goes to the toilet and he can give you a hug and tell you all the ways your mum is wrong.

So she thought you were fine without social services intervention if she could come and stay exactly when she pleased, but the moment you say she can't then suddenly you must need social services support? Can you see that's just manipulation? Definitely don't let her stay in your home. I don't think I'd even let her stay locally. I can guarantee every second of her visit she will expect you to wait on her and 'host' her.

Listen to your DP, it sounds like he has his head screwed on.