DM overstepped her mark

[girlmummy25]

My DM is very open and out there. It was my DD's 3rd birthday party which started at 1:30pm (at home) and come 7:30pm there were still a few people at my house.
Im pregnant and was knackered, my DD was getting tired and a bit irritable. I told my mum i felt knackered and done and she saw me struggling with my DD a little bit, she took it upon herself to ask the remaining guests to leave which was my DH family and friends. He is livid and so angry... how do I make this right between them? They didnt argue but he was visibly annoyed
My mum in her mind was looking out for me but it wasnt her place to ask people to leave

You should have told your DH to sort it, your mum only did why any mother would have done, tried to help you.

I actually can’t work out what the DH has done wrong.

But yeah, let’s blame him anyway for the DM thinking it’s okay to take charge in his home.

Nah I think your mum had it right here.
If you wanted ppl to leave you should have just said, I'm shattered thank you so much for today but if everyone can start making their way home that woukd be great.
Your husband definitely should have done this.
I was fine saying this to visitors when I was pregnant or when the baby was born.
The fact you didn't say and your husband didn't say I applaud your mum for saying. And I bet peoe didn't think she was rude but rather should be embarrassed they didn't realise themselves they shouldn't have stayed so long.

Seriously? No man would have an event going on so long when his wife is heavily pregnant. This should not even need to be said.

The DM had to take charge because the husband didn't. A husband should not have to be told to do the bloody decent thing! He should know. Pregnant wife, do that's gone on for hours, surely he'd know his wife and see how exhausted she was.

Does all this really need pointing out? Is this how low the bar is for men now?

Not her house , not her place. Unless someone was being abusive and you really felt you couldn't say it yourself. Also dh is not a mind reader, personally I would have either put dd to bed then said I'm going to bed now or even just said I'm not feeling well I'm going to lay down and left them to it. Dh being livid seems an over reaction, I'm guessing asking your mum to apologise might be a stretch?

I don't really understand why you couldn't have just gone to bed if you were tired?

I haven't RTWT but your DM didn't overstep the mark. If only we could all be that assertive.

It’s not the DM’s place to take charge of anything! The OP is not a child. If she was tired and wanted to bring things to a close, she needed to communicate that with her husband.

Could you imagine comments saying “a wife shouldn’t have to be told to…”, “She should know”, “Is this how low the bar is for women now”, factored in with her husband’s mother taking charge in the woman’s home and telling her friends and family to leave.

I feel like Mumsnet goes way too far sometimes. Some of the comments here are toxic as fuck and would be red flags other way around.

The husband hasn’t done anything wrong and he is right to be annoyed about this. This situation has come about because the OP did not communicate how she felt to her husband. Expecting people to know what you are thinking and feeling is dysfunctional - conmunication is key to any relationship.

She was sticking up for you and doing what any mum would do in her shoes.

Your DH should of told you to go up to bed and he'd of entertained them! So more fool him not doing that.

It’s not the DM’s place to take charge of anything! The OP is not a child. If she was tired and wanted to bring things to a close, she needed to communicate that with her husband.

Could you imagine comments saying “a wife shouldn’t have to be told to…”, “She should know”, “Is this how low the bar is for women now”, factored in with her husband’s mother taking charge in the woman’s home and telling her friends and family to leave.

I feel like Mumsnet goes way too far sometimes. Some of the comments here are toxic as fuck and would be red flags other way around.

The husband hasn’t done anything wrong and he is right to be annoyed about this. This situation has come about because the OP did not communicate how she felt to her husband. Expecting people to know what you are thinking and feeling is dysfunctional - conmunication is key to any relationship.

Every single word of that.

Also, I'm waiting for the OP:
"My MIL ordered my family out of my house during my child's party..."

This is the kind of thing my mum would do, see a problem, decide the solution and act without discussing it. Her best was when I'd asked her to come with me to the GP as I needed to get him to chase the hospital and she told him I'd decided just to go for a hysterectomy (the delay was finding out if it would be safe to go for fertility treatment first) because the not knowing was causing too much stress. I immediately corrected her. She had a point but it was not her call.

Anyway... Your mum overstepped and I get why DH is upset. However, he failed to act when the situation wasn't working for you & his friends and family are thoughtless. Your mum's poor behaviour at least came from a place of caring. This is one of those situations where being "livid" isn't a helpful reaction. You need to explain to your mum she can't ask people to leave your house but he needs to think about why she felt she had to.

It might not be her place, but she is her mother! And us Mamabears never stop caring about our children even when they're grown up. Can you really not understand that? Her mother was acting like any real mother would.

The husband hasn’t done anything wrong and he is right to be annoyed about this.

I missed that part. I can't believe you anyone can say that. It is beyond delusional. A husband and wife know each other. Surely he knows his own wife, and can see if she's tired or not. He absolutely did wrong! Far worse than the mother. A husband shouldn't need to be told a heavily pregnant woman doesn't need an all day function with kids and people. FFS, it should be common sense.

And he surely knows his wife, if he pays any attention he'd know if she's tired, or upset, or etc. A husband knows. My husband, who knows me inside out, would have taken one look at me, and called time (actually, he wouldn't have allowed it to go on as long as it did, in the first place, because he cares about his wife and mother of his child) on the gathering. Then told me to go up to bed and he would have done some quick basic cleaning before following me up. The husband in the OP; unless he is lacking common sense, doesn't know his wife or has a visual problem, he no doubt saw she was tired and struggling, and ignored it. That is inexcusable and makes him a lousy husband. The kicker is that he had the nerve to get upset at OP's own mother doing what was his job as a spouse. That shows what a louse he really is. Any husband worth anything would have felt mortified and apologetic that he didn't do it and his MIL had to. But no, he got angry instead. It says everything about him. And OP has my sympathies for being with such a louse.

And us Mamabears never stop caring about our children even when they're grown up. Can you really not understand that? Her mother was acting like any real mother would.

Mamabears? Gor goodness' sake, grow up. You're infantilising the OP as well. She's a grown woman with her own agency, and her mother riding roughshod over her by deciding for her what other people should do is way over the line.

The mum had choices. She could have asked OP if she wanted people to go. She could have said 'maybe you should ask DH to let people know it's time to go'. Or at a push she could have had a quiet word wit DH and said "girlmummy is looking really tired. I think it might be getting a bit much for her now"

There was absolutely no need for her to tell his family to leave. It is not her house, she had no right, and she took agency away from her own daughter. That is not being a good mother. That's treating her like a child.

Seriously, can people really not see it from the opposite side? Your MIL makes a unilateral decision that drives people from your home, without telling you and without your permission, but it's okay because she was thinking of your DH and just being a Mamabear because she's his mother and you weren't reading his mind well enough. That okay with you @Alb0 ?

MN would explode if you OPd about that.

Your mum sounds great, your DH sounds very selfish, and his family and friends inconsiderate.

Yes, your mum overstepped.

Your in laws definitely overstayed, but the correct response is for you to tell them that you're going to put DD to bed with DM's help and have a bit of lie down, say how lovely it was to see them all and sorry that you are flagging and ask your DH to sort out any clearing up that needs to be done whilst you are having a lie down. Your mum can then help DH after child's bedtime if he makes an effort on clear up and she wants to be useful. Or your mum could even have said "I think OP needs a lie down, do I'll put DD and OP to bed". But kicking them out isn't really on.

Then you are not a martyr and the ball is in DH's court, but your mum can help you out.

If the OP wanted people to leave then the op should have asked them to leave.

I don’t see why it’s the DH’s responsibility or why the OP’s mum stepped in when the OP is presumably an adult and capable of opening her mouth to bring the party to a close?

Seriously, she’s pregnant, not mute.

Omg seriously? The mother of a heavily pregnant woman with children is completely different than the mother of a male. COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. One is vulnerable, the other isn't. Can you really not see how a heavily pregnant woman is vulnerable. Christ. That this even needs to be explained shows how far this site has fallen and simpering they have become towards men. The bar is so incredibly low it's basically subterranean!

Maybe the mother should have spoken to the deadbeat son-in-law first. However considering he got angry with the MIL for doing the right thing, I can see why maybe she didn't. That we're more angry at the OP's mother than the deadbeat husband shows just how far this site has descended into handmaiden territory. You're angry at the WRONG PERSON.

Yes, thank you. I was beginning to think I was living in an alternate universe there for awhile with values all skewed back to front.

@Alb0Based on your posts….

If my son ever found himself in a relationship with a women who expected him to read her mind, anticipate her needs without her having to communicate them to him and expected him to allow her mother to do as she pleased only to be called a “lousy husband” or “louse” if he did not comply, then I’d be encouraging him to leave the relationship.

If my daughter ever found herself in a relationship with a man who expected her to read his mind, anticipate his needs without him having to communicate them to her and expected her to allow his mother to do as she pleased only to be called a “lousy wife” or “louse” if she did not comply, I’d be encouraging her to leave the relationship.

I fear the pendulum has swung too far and we now have entirely unrealistic expectations of our husbands in situations that we would never tolerate for ourselves (or would find downright controlling).

Not helpful OP, but I think your Mum sounds fab!

She probably could have handled it more tactfully, perhaps by telling your DH that you were exhausted, as was your DD, so she was heading upstairs to help you settle DD, so someone else needs to keep an eye on the other kids. But she was looking out for your well being, and your daughters. I'd love someone doing that for me if I were getting overwhelmed.

Your in laws definitely overstayed

Then the OP’s mum clearly overstayed too.

Honestly, one read of this site shows you it's not that simple. Women martyr themselves. Women feel they cannot get rid of visitors. Look around AIBU, the section is literally filled with women upset at visitors to their house and feeling like they can't act.

Her husband should have acted for her. He shouldn't have even needed to be told if he as a spouse truly knows his wife. He shouldn't have needed asking. That he is getting less stick than the mum who cared enough to do something, is utterly bizarre!