DM overstepped her mark

[girlmummy25]

My DM is very open and out there. It was my DD's 3rd birthday party which started at 1:30pm (at home) and come 7:30pm there were still a few people at my house.
Im pregnant and was knackered, my DD was getting tired and a bit irritable. I told my mum i felt knackered and done and she saw me struggling with my DD a little bit, she took it upon herself to ask the remaining guests to leave which was my DH family and friends. He is livid and so angry... how do I make this right between them? They didnt argue but he was visibly annoyed
My mum in her mind was looking out for me but it wasnt her place to ask people to leave

My advice is that you don't get involved here. Your mum was looking out for her heavily pregnant daughter. The DH of said daughter wasn't doing that and was spending time with his family and friends.

My advice would be for your DH to have a word with your mother (let them sort it out between themselves) if your DH feels aggrieved by what happened. In fairness, he's probably feeling a little cross with himself because he didn't do what needed to be done.

That's my 2c worth on the situation.

if this was me I’d have gone to DH and said can we knock this on the head now please I’m shattered. And he’d have sorted it. Although he probably would have anyway without intervention as DS would have been in tantrum central at that time I’d have thought 🤣

i think your mum was just looking out for you but depends how it was said and done I suppose.

I have been married a long time. I think it is really important to have cordial relationships with in laws. My mother would never have told my husband's family to leave his house. She might have had a discreet word with my husband if I was tired but she would never have taken it upon herself to tell invited family to get out of the family house.
My husband had a semi serious op in the early days of marriage. Both sets of parents visited. My MIL would never ever have told my parents to leave the house because she thought her son was tiring. She would always always go through one of us.
I am grateful that after my father died, my husband did so many jobs for my widowed mother. He did her gardening, diy and helped with money matters. He loved my mum but my mother always treated him with respect and she never forgot that my husband and I were a team and she never overstepped boundaries with regard to our house and our children. Ditto my MIL who always treated me with respect and love.
I would never allow division due to a DM interfering. You may well need your husband's support and kindness as she ages. Don't allow her to to treat him with condescension

From the sounds of things she listened to your needs and acted on them. It may have been better for you/her to draw it to your DH’s attention but if he did not listen then it’s great you have someone who does that for you. Did she overstep? Perhaps she did in asking others to leave your house but as you wanted it and presumably didn’t feel you could ask people to leave she may see it as supporting you in setting boundaries. Do you feel you are able to set boundaries in this way or were you relieved when she helped? Did your DH see how tired you and DC were? Would he have supported you in getting people to leave?

Good for her! They outstayed their welcome. Massively.

Yes, your mum overstepped. I can’t tell from your post whether this is common for her, or whether she felt pressured by you to intervene.

Either way, if you were tired and wanted people to leave, you should have had that conversation with your husband. Your mum has no right ask people to leave you and your husband’s home, regardless of whether she felt she was looking out for you or not. It is not her home, they were not her friends or relatives, it is absolutely not her place.

I can’t believe there are so many people telling you your mum did the right thing - she absolutely did not. Some women are incapable of setting boundaries with their mothers, I suppose.

Anyway, the bottom line is you should be increasing communication with your DH rather than complaining to your DM.

It wasn't your mum's place to do that, of course. As pp have said, imagine if your MIL told your parents and famly they had to leave your house, without consulting you.

The big question for me is - did you tell your DH you were exhausted? ie was he aware you were struggling and just ignored the fact and was having a lovely time socialising while you looked after DC? If so, then he brought it on himself as he was part of the problem and isn't looking out for you.

If I was your mum in that scenario, once you'd confided in me I'd say 'talk to DH and get him to ask them to leave' - and if that didn't work I'd suggest you go and have a lie down and I'd deal with toddler.

Whatever the circs, though, it isn't for you to smooth the waters between them. Does your DH at least understand why your mum did it? Is he concerned that he left you struggling and didn't seem to notice?

Im sure she meant well but executed it poorly. But it can be hard to get rid of overstayers!

She could have had a quiet word with your DH to get him to end proceedings. Or you could have said "I need to get DD to bed now, not sure how long I'll be. Thank you all for coming, I'll ring you in the week (or whatever)". And then go.

I really dont agree with my DM asking people to leave, even if it was kindly. I told her this as soon as I knew she had mentioned it to people and I also told people they did not have to go. Yes I was knackered and finished but I didnt want it to leave/end in that way. However, I do know that it would have easily gone on until 10pm, if not later if that did not happened.

For context, there was about 16 adults including my parents and DH parents still there and 4 other children, all a bit older than my DD so could deal with the tiredness a bit better.
It ended up towards the end being me, my mum and DH mum sitting on the sofa putting a film on for the kids (even though they couldnt hear the TV as my house is open plan and adults were in the kitchen section and the talking was making it too loud to hear the TV) and them playing with toys which lead to arguing over toys etc which is where I got a bit stressed out as my DD and nephew were now arguing and both crying and my DD was having a bit of a meltdown.
DH did come over to see her but she didnt want him.
I made the mistake of telling my mum I was knackered and had had enough which then lead to her asking people to go.

This is why I asked opinions as I see both of their sides but its embarrassing having someone ask your guests to leave. I apologised in text message today whilst thanking them for coming and for my DDs present etc

You could have told your Dh to start shoving them out politely. Your Dm was bang out of order, it wasn’t her place to tell people to go, bloody hell!

And if he isn’t embarrassed, he bloody well should be.

I suspect he left all the party planning to the OP and played the part of genial (drinking) host when she’d done all the work. But maybe I’m just cynical…

I don't know why your DH didn't end it himself, or why you told your mum you were tired but you didn't tell your DH. What did you think your mum would do, knowing her personality?

As others have said imagine if your MIL told your family to leave in front of you

I'm imagining the OP that would result from a MIL doing this. The responses would be entirely different.

I think your DH was embarrassed as well - which he should have been. I don't think your mum should have told other people to leave your house but I can see why she felt she was doing the right thing.

I may well be projecting but I've had lots of parties where I've done all the work and H has swanned around taking no notice of DS and what needs doing.

Have a closer look at your stupid husband, not your mum who was only looking out for her exhausted pregnant daughter

Why is the husband stupid? Is he supposed to read OP's mind? Instead of telling him that she felt tired and could he wind things up, she moaned to her mum.

If OP had said she'd had enough and had ignored her, fair enough. But he didn't know how she felt.

Your mum did overstep and needs to be told so.

Your DH's family were also overstepping, having long outstayed their welcome.

Your DH though, did not step up enough. Did you tell him that you were exhausted, needed help and also needed things to start winding down now? Was he aware and doing nothing about it? Was he unaware and unobservant? I think your mother should ideally have approached him rather than doing what she did and you could explain that to her.

I can’t understand why the husband should be embarrassed, or why he is stupid either.

The OP needed to communicate how she felt to her husband. No one should be so hyper attuned to another that they just automatically anticipate their needs.

I think your mother should ideally have approached him rather than doing what she did and you could explain that to her.

See, I even think that’s overstepping. Why couldn’t the OP speak directly to her husband?

It wasn’t her place but if they were still there at 7:30 pm after a 1:30 pm party for a 3 year old and I was shattered and pregnant I’d be grateful if a Jehovah’s Witness had knocked on the door and sent them all home.

Yes, she overstepped but why didn’t your DH step up?

I think your DM overstepped a little but my mum would be the same. She was just trying to look After you since your DH & his family didn't seem to take into consideration that you're pregnant and could be tired and should go home after a few hours.
I would be more annoyed with my DH 😂

You knowing that it could easily have gone on to 10pm changes my opinion a bit. It seems if your DM hadn't stepped in, then your husband wouldn't have. The guests still there should have been self aware enough to leave at a reasonable time, your husband should have had enough backbone to shimmy them out when they overstayed, and you should have been comfortable enough in your relationship to have felt able to express your tiredness to your husband.

I'm guessing your DM was at least partly aware none of the above was going to happen, so although yes she overstepped and the result was awkward, she did it because no one else was going to.

It depends, I think - on what you said to
your mum and what she said to your guests. If you’d expressed real
discomfort and she’d said something like “Oh, girlmummy is whacked now and so’s DD; probably better call it a day soon”, that’s fair enough. If you’d just said “Oh, I’m feeling a bit tired” and she marched in and announced “Everyone needs to leave right now”, then that’s a different kettle of fish.

Your DH isn’t emerging out of this covered in glory here, though. Sounds like he was happy with his mates and not giving much thought to you - which is probably why your mum stepped in…..

Ditch the loser 'D'H, keep your mother

Only on Mumsnet is a woman advised to leave her husband over such a trivial event. It's a wonder any marriages survive at all.

I'd ask your mum how she'd have felt if your MIL had told her to leave your house.

I'm assuming that she was way too direct in the way she got rid of people. Otherwise it wouldn't be an issue worth posting about as your dh wouldn't have been so annoyed. Yes, tell her you know she had your welfare at heart, but that it's your house and your dh's family, and she needs to acknowledge to your dh that it wasn't her place to tell people to go.