How to respond when MIL makes nasty comments about my pregnancy/previous miscarriages?

[MargotChateau]

To preface my MIL is sadly pretty awful. It's not just me that thinks that, her own MIL (who is very sweet) thinks she is cold hearted over bearing and other family members have made similar comments.

I've had two previous miscarriages and had have since had rounds of IVF, the last one 'took' and I'm 9 weeks today.

She asks very direct questions that I find difficult to answer vaguely. Yesterday she asked if I was still being seen by the private clinic, and I said "no I have been transferred to local maternity services". She coldly replied, 'well unless you miscarry again and you have to do IVF again". Who says that to a pregnant woman??

My friends told me I should just say "what a nasty thing to say" but I know her and she will never back down and will shriek and yell till I admit I'm wrong and she is right.

She has previous form of when I miscarried saying "it's just cells" and "it's just a period" when I didn't feel that way at all, it was a very wanted pregnancy, and I had awful contractions, lost loads of blood and had to have emergency surgery due to complications.

I know when the baby arrives she is going to be all over it, ignoring me and will try take over babysitting daily. (She has said this is what she expects).

How do I deal with her? I've tried so hard being a loving DIL but it does nothing, tried politely explaining how I feel and she talks (shouts over me), my partner tries talking with her and its WW3, I'm outta of ideas save moving countries.

If she was a friend would you put up with her behaviour? I wouldn't.
I would try distancing myself from her if possible. You don't have to tolerate this. Your DP needs to step up.

She wouldn't get anywhere near me or my baby again. Ever

You have a perfect opportunity to put in boundaries now, before your baby arrives. Don't miss a moment, start now.

This is your pregnancy and your baby. It's your time to be a mother and feel fabulous about it.

Don't let her suck the joy out of it. It's a worrying time for any IVF pregnancy without negativity, just because you have to go through so much to get where you are.

If she does try to say things that are upsetting don't reply, politely remove yourself from the room and do something else or just leave the building. She's being rude and insensitive.

She'll get the message when your not there, she can't talk down to an empty room.

I think 'fuck of' was the most appropriate response.

Yes. Tell her to fuck off. What a nasty woman,

WW3 or not, your DP needs to have a very strong word with her, together with consequences - limited contact, starting now and especially after the baby is born.

I'm with your friends. I would say What a horrible thing to say to anyone! and then I'd leave.

You don't HAVE to tolerate this, just because it's MIL. Stay calm and tell your DH that you are not prepared to spend time with her if she behaves like this. She owes you an apology. Personally I'd refuse to see her or allow her in my house.

My friends told me I should just say "what a nasty thing to say" but I know her and she will never back down and will shriek and yell till I admit I'm wrong and she is right

You say this and you let her scream and shriek and you don't apologise.

Well you want to nip this in the bud before your baby arrives. Tell her to get to fuck. Tell her with her attitude she will be lucky if she sees the baby at all. Tell her she has not to expect daily babysitting because it won't be happening, and Tell you partner to man the fuck up and stop letting his mother be such a bitch or he can fuck off too.

How would I deal with it? You don't see her, ever. Now I know you are going to counter this with but she will explode, so what, you are not going to be there to witness any of it. Then you are going to tell me that all the rest of the family will start on you on her behalf and you look up the phrase flying monkeys and know that they are doing this because of her reaction toward them when no one dances to her tune.

You don't need this pernicious person in your life, I mean some people are unkind but her comments about your miscarriages and current pregnancy are beyond unkind. They are frankly evil.

Make your life so much simpler by just going no contact. Your partner needs to put you first. And yes, we have experience of this but nothing like the evil behaviour from your MIL.

I hope that your pregnancy is successful and I am sorry about your previous miscarriages, truly heartbreaking.

First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy. Your MIL sounds awful, it sounds pointless trying to explain things politely to her as she is clearly lacking in any empathy or manners. Going forward don't share any details of your pregnancy with her. If she comes out with anything upsetting or nasty l would just ask her to keep her opinions to herself as you are really not interested. And seriously consider going very low contact with her.

Firstly congratulations on your pregnancy, I hope you have a very happy and healthy 9 months. Secondly why does she know all this? I’m not sure why you feel the need to tell her anything. I had lots of miscarriages, fertility treatment and was 15 weeks pregnant with my successful pregnancy before I told my own mother, let alone a MIL, and I see her regularly. Granted my reasons for not telling weren’t because she’s a c* but because she has had some horrible medical issues herself and I didn’t want to add to her stress by having her worry about me.

Your DH needs to step up here and you need to go LC or NC. Stop sharing private information with her and she won’t have anything to comment on the could hurt you.

She wouldn't be settling foot in my home. She has no rights to your dc whatsoever.. She can strop and stomp. She can also fuck right off.

I agree with not sharing private information with her. I also agree with countering with "do you realise how unkind that sounds?". If she then strops you have the perfect reason to limit contact.

If you don't want to say "That's not very nice, why would you say that?" which is what I would do, or maybe I'll just leave the discussion, you can soften it by saying" This is not how I feel about it, can we please respect each other's views?". But really, I don't see why you should try to be nice to her.

I'm so sorry for your losses OP and wish you all the very best for this pregnancy.
Please, please stand up for yourself. Stay calm and call her out on these things. Ask "why did you say that? That was an unkind thing to say, when I feel differently." If she is asking direct questions that you don't want to answer say "I don't want to talk about that" - don't explain, just repeat. If she doesn't like any of that let her shriek and you walk away. Unless you can genuinely let it slide off you don't just swallow it down and suffer in silence - speaking up for yourself will make you feel better. Also minimise contact as much as you can. I hope your DP can support you.

What if you asked her?

why would you say that?

Are you trying to be hurtful?

Not in a snarky way, but in a genuinely curious way.

As everyone else said - she's awful, stop telling her ANYTHING about what you're going through, stop talking to her about your lives, and let DH deal with her.

How or why, given she's so awful, does she know you're only 9 weeks pregnant?? Stop telling her stuff, and tell DH to stop.

In the meantime:
She asks very direct questions that I find difficult to answer vaguely.
You need to get more comfortable with her discomfort in a conversational situation.
By that I mean, I suspect you feel awkward giving only partial details and with her silence, and you fill the silence and say more than you would like to relieve how she makes you feel. That's what you need to get over.

Yesterday she asked if I was still being seen by the private clinic
Be vague, divert, and if pushed return the question:
"For the time being, now I would you like some more tea?"
"Oh I think they'll decide soon, why do you ask?"
"Yes it's strange we don't know yet isn't it. More tea?"

You can practise this technique with friends/work, they won't know you're doing it but it's a less pressured situation.

Good luck!

Thank you all for your kind comments, it's so heartening to hear it isn't me being over sensitive with hormones, but her being rude and unkind.

Her family have the appearance of being very 'close'. We are all obligated to be at family dinners/Christmas etc or there is an almighty strop from her if you don't want to attend, but nothing in the way of the emotional support or kindness I've received from my own family during this journey.

I know that her extended family know she is difficult but they will take her side as she is the squeakiest wheel and won't want the hassle of one her strops. I don't want my partner to lose his relationships with his family, but I'd really rather have nothing to do with her if we are lucky enough to be blessed with a live birth/baby.

I also know that it is difficult for my partner, he has really tried with them (he was hopeless in the beginning, but has thankfully seen the light since ) but no matter what he does they steam roller over him and enlist his family to get him to change his mind to back down on disagreements.

Has anyone some gentle ideas to deal with this where we don't come out as the bad guys? I can remember every nasty thing she has said to me, but if confronted (even in the moment) she will deny deny deny.

@Borrowmydoggy and @ChardonnaysBeastlyCat thank you, that is really helpful. I'm introverted and non confrontational so the conversation points you suggested don't sound too abrupt and hopefully wouldn't set her off.

Thanks everyone for your comments, it's really been so helpful hearing I'm not crazy for feeling hurt and wounded by her behaviour.

There is of course the tried and tested MN response, "Did/Do you mean to be so rude?"

And absolutely don't back down and apologise

I would state “it’s very upsetting when you remind me not only or the children we have lost but that this may happen again. I am already anxious enough about this pregnancy progressing and do not need to be reminded of the losses me and DP have previously suffered, so please unless you have something positive to stay, do not say anything at all”.

I wish you all the best with this longed for pregnancy

So sorry that you’re having to put up with this after having such a difficult time personally.

“Has anyone some gentle ideas to deal with this where we don't come out as the bad guys?”. I think your starting point here is wrong. Honestly you need to think about yourself and your immediate family and stop giving a toss what she thinks.

Don't engage with her questions- either just refuse to answer or ask why she’s being so rude. There can be no advantage in sharing such personal info with her.

if you start standing up for yourself now, you’ll be much more experienced and comfortable when you have to do this after your baby arrives. So think of this stage as part of your preparation for being a great mum.

Take care.

Yes exactly, you will never win a confrontation with her so don't make the mistake of thinking you can make enough logical arguments with her and you will win. You can never win.
The tactic is to manage the conversation. And reduce the number of conversations you need to have!
Google grey rock.

Go NC. For your own sanity.

just remove yourself from her.

make crystal clear his mother is having nothing to do with your child. She’s poisonous and you are not her punchbag.

dont be looking for gentle eggshell walking methods to get her to behave. The old bat knows exactly how spiteful and horrific her words and actions are. She’s counting on you being nice.

I’ve reached a point in my life where I’ve stopped giving a shit what people who are nasty to me feel. If they’re horrible to me I’m not hanging around, why should I?