How to respond when MIL makes nasty comments about my pregnancy/previous miscarriages?

[MargotChateau]

To preface my MIL is sadly pretty awful. It's not just me that thinks that, her own MIL (who is very sweet) thinks she is cold hearted over bearing and other family members have made similar comments.

I've had two previous miscarriages and had have since had rounds of IVF, the last one 'took' and I'm 9 weeks today.

She asks very direct questions that I find difficult to answer vaguely. Yesterday she asked if I was still being seen by the private clinic, and I said "no I have been transferred to local maternity services". She coldly replied, 'well unless you miscarry again and you have to do IVF again". Who says that to a pregnant woman??

My friends told me I should just say "what a nasty thing to say" but I know her and she will never back down and will shriek and yell till I admit I'm wrong and she is right.

She has previous form of when I miscarried saying "it's just cells" and "it's just a period" when I didn't feel that way at all, it was a very wanted pregnancy, and I had awful contractions, lost loads of blood and had to have emergency surgery due to complications.

I know when the baby arrives she is going to be all over it, ignoring me and will try take over babysitting daily. (She has said this is what she expects).

How do I deal with her? I've tried so hard being a loving DIL but it does nothing, tried politely explaining how I feel and she talks (shouts over me), my partner tries talking with her and its WW3, I'm outta of ideas save moving countries.

No man is worth having a bitch like that in your life.

Seriously you think she's bad now? Just wait..
You don't have to do anything. Or ever see her again. Shine your spine now.

Tell your Partner its over with her. You will never lay eyes on her own mention her name again. She's dead to you.

But my real advice would be to leave him. If he's this weak there's no hope

The answer is you don't see her. DH goes to family occasions without you.

You pare down the number of family occasions to the bare minimum - Boxing Day visit, Sibling's Birthdays, Parent's Birthdays. And not all birthdays every year - milestone ones - they are adult birthdays after all.

If either of you wish to spend time with his family, pick the members you actually like and build that relationship without her there. No more whole family dinners.

If she strops - let her. Just block her on your phone and social media and enjoy living your life. Given her aim is to spend time with her unborn grandchild, she'll have shot herself in the foot.

I can't see you getting both of the things you want (to not have anything to do with her AND to not come out as the bad guys). She's not a reasonable, kind or empathic person. She's the opposite of that. To expect her to behave like she isn't if only you play your cards right... Well that's just never going to happen, no matter what you do.

Having nothing to do with her is going to be better for you (and your future child) in the long run. Do whatever it takes to get to this position. She doesn't give a shit about being gentle with you, why should you care about being gentle with her? You need to stand up to her, and then completely disengage/avoid.

You are the matriarch of your new family. She is an old woman, who has no say in what happens in the family you have created. Protect yourself, your child and your DP from her.

Congratulations btw 💐

Also the phrase "over my dead body" would be a good one for you to practice for when she's trying to get your baby for overnight stays, etc.

My mother isn't nasty, but she would tell everyone right down to the dogs in the street my business.
Which is why the first heads up she got that we were even trying for a baby let alone had a year of fertility investigations, tests and meds, was when I announced I was 16 weeks pregnant.

She has no issue being awful to you, so maybe being just as awful right back would sort her out. I'd just say - "MIL, whenever you've asked me about this, you've been anything from insensitive to downright hurtful so I'm not discussing this with you any more." And fuck her if she took the hump.

I can't see this working out the way you want it to, purely because she is not prepared to be moved by gentle means. She is used to getting her way, and is being continually enabled.

My advice is to look at the scenario of what the absolute worst thing she can do to you is.
Shout and scream. Well that's unpleasant and can be hurtful, but once it stops then, meh, no major damage. And you have the power to make it stop by removing yourself from her.
Harrass you by phone. Ok well, also annoying, but you can block her.
Turn up on your doorstep. Rude but you can ask her to leave and call the police if she doesn't.
Turn other family members against you. Family like that is not worth having if they can't think for themselves.

You have more to gain than to lose by standing up for yourself and not tolerating her behaviour towards you. Especially with a baby on the way. Start practicing now, and get DP on board too.

Please get away from her. I had this with my MIL and going NC was for the best. You cannot appeal to someone like this because this is who she is.

The comments I received were more passive aggressive, when I thought I was miscarrying she said words to the effect of well do you really want to keep it. She was never happy for us when we announced our first pregnancy and acted really oddly making me feel I had done something wrong and has to make it up to her. When I had the baby, she worked on the maternity ward and told me how dirty I was for briefly placing my baby on the bed. She said it was the same was putting her in with my sanitary towel. Who even says that.

Do not let her spoil your pregnancy. Many congratulations by the way. It is a special time for you and your dh and you can initially avoid the awful family occasions by claiming not to be well enough. Let visits tail off.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, and remember it is your pregnancy and you decide who to share it with. If you don't want to tell her stuff, don't.

Your MIL appears to have absolutely zero respect for you and your partner. So unless you want her to be in your face constantly when the baby comes now is the time to establish very clear boundaries.

We are all obligated to be at family dinners/Christmas etc or there is an almighty strop from her if you don't want to attend, this is bullying. Christmas is a tricky time but maybe now decide with your partner that you are spending christmas at home or away this year.

Does she invite herself round to your house? Limit this. She is welcome when you invite her. Any if she is in your house and comes out with the personal questions look at her coldly and tell her that is inappropriate or deflect the question. If she argues back and is rude ask her to leave, she is no longer welcome.

Establish the boundaries and expectations that you are to be treated with respect. There will undoubtably be tears, tantrums and toys thrown out of the pram but persist otherwise you will have a permanent babysitter in your house.

You can't be 'gentle'

You have to cut her out or your lives are going to be miserable.

I would have nothing further to do with the revolting witch again. And neither would my child. She’s burnt all her bridges and I simply wouldn’t give her the opportunity to spew her vitriol ever again.

I think it’s about both establishing boundaries and not letting it affect you.
With boundaries - I’d simply not share as much as you currently seem to.
At 9 weeks - no pregnancy is safe yet. So - I’d not be sharing that information with anyone. But this is the example of something she didn’t have to know, thus reducing chances she will have any opportunity to tell you things that may lead to upset.
Not letting it affect you - I know it’s hard, but you’ll need to develop more of a thick skin.
She is what she is and won’t change.
My mother has said many an insensitive thing to me over the years - during/post pregnancy; when she observed me with my kids. I think a lot of it is more due to generational differences, rather than intentional attempts to hurt.

i think suggestions of keeping her away from her future grandkids are harsh. Kids benefit from having an extended family. And you don’t get to pick some other grandparents.
But of course - you do get to set the terms of how and when GP interact with grandkids. This goes back to being firm in setting your boundaries. Of course she is not going to be babysitting everyday. Babies aren’t toys and are hard work. And are quite dependent on their mothers in the early days.
(Plus - don’t underestimate how valuable family help may be to you once you have a baby. You may actually need her. Personally - I don’t know how I’d have survived without my mom/ my MIL’s help in the early sleepless months of my babies lives)

Most important for now - is for you to have a healthy pregnancy. Don’t worry about things that may or may not have happened…

My own mother used to do this.
My sister was pregnant with twins at the same time I was. I miscarried at 16 weeks . The following week my mum berated me for not attending my sisters 20 weeks scan with her and told me that I'd 'probably done something to cause my loss'.

I'm not sure what is wrong with some people, but I have much empathy for you and if I were you I would do what I didn't and just tell her to fuck off.

1. Tell her nothing about your private life
2. Anything she asks about (eg Clinic) that she currently knows, smile and say “oh that’s private”
3. Mean comments “I’m not sure how to respond to that”
4. Wanting to have baby “oh no that doesn’t work for us I’m afraid”

keep it short and simple. Don’t bother telling her that she’s hurtful - she either doesn’t care or will deny it and that will make you feel more frustrated and annoyed. Vague and smiley and MINIMISE your time with her.

You need to protect yourself throughout your pregnancy. It sounds as if you have a lot of contact with her and you should cut that right back. It's not your responsibility to fulfil her expectations re seeing the baby. Visit her at her home and if things get even slightly uncomfortable leave immediately even if your partner stays. Don't visit her by yourself. She will soon get the idea.

Your boyfriend needs to sort this immediately. He does not get to allow his scumbag mother to treat you like this. You’re being far too meek and passive, find your anger.

Shriek and yell right back at the vile fucker. If she doesn’t get herself under control you cannot allow her near your kid, of course.

How about 'Fuck off'.

Sorry, but am done with twatty people .

Start avoiding her now.

How about replying with variations of these phrases
"I thought you would say that."
"Oh, how like you to say that."
"Yes, you said that before."

Always with a smile.
I think it would be hard for her to get upset about being told something she just said was something you would expect her to say.

Also, a great tactic for dealing with people like this is to turn everything they say into a joke. That's going to be a little tough around some of these more hurtful, serious topics but generally it works and they go find someone else to pick on.

She's brutally factual to you, I'd be the same back

She coldly replied, 'well unless you miscarry again and you have to do IVF again

Reply - that's a horrible and cruel thing to say to me and if you carry on I'll be keeping you away from my baby, said in an entirely dead pan and calm manner.

And if the sparks fly - let them, it's inevitable at some point unless you spend your life taking shit from her.

She's never going to like you, respect you, or agree with you.

So stop trying to achieve any of that. You are going to have to get comfortable with the feeling that this relationship can't be fixed, she isn't going to have a personality transplant, and you have limited choices if you want a life free of bitchy comments and encroachment on the baby.

You're going to have to cut her out of your life and your DP is going to have to help you do that.

Sit him down. Tell him his mother is upsetting you constantly, will not stop, you expect his full support.

I’ve met people like this and I think they are just doing it to get a rise out of you. I’ve found the best thing is to say ‘mmmm’ non-commitally, look to friend or partner and raise my eyebrows with a slight smile, then completely change the subject to something random. I would also avoid contact where possible, but I appreciate its not always that easy.

My MIL said same after third miscarriage, after IVF. She said "it wasn't really a baby." She was asked to leave my house.

This. If she’s desperate to be involved with your child, she needs to know she’s got more to lose if your relationship is poor. Be direct once or twice and if she kicks off, just leave. Bet she won’t do it without an audience to intimidate.

My fingers are crossed for you- I just try to be quite vague with OH side of the family and tell them the bare basics. No it’s important you bond with the baby and do make sure you have room. Give her jobs - even if it’s getting the washing out the machine or grabbing stuff from the supermarket