How to respond when MIL makes nasty comments about my pregnancy/previous miscarriages?

[MargotChateau]

To preface my MIL is sadly pretty awful. It's not just me that thinks that, her own MIL (who is very sweet) thinks she is cold hearted over bearing and other family members have made similar comments.

I've had two previous miscarriages and had have since had rounds of IVF, the last one 'took' and I'm 9 weeks today.

She asks very direct questions that I find difficult to answer vaguely. Yesterday she asked if I was still being seen by the private clinic, and I said "no I have been transferred to local maternity services". She coldly replied, 'well unless you miscarry again and you have to do IVF again". Who says that to a pregnant woman??

My friends told me I should just say "what a nasty thing to say" but I know her and she will never back down and will shriek and yell till I admit I'm wrong and she is right.

She has previous form of when I miscarried saying "it's just cells" and "it's just a period" when I didn't feel that way at all, it was a very wanted pregnancy, and I had awful contractions, lost loads of blood and had to have emergency surgery due to complications.

I know when the baby arrives she is going to be all over it, ignoring me and will try take over babysitting daily. (She has said this is what she expects).

How do I deal with her? I've tried so hard being a loving DIL but it does nothing, tried politely explaining how I feel and she talks (shouts over me), my partner tries talking with her and its WW3, I'm outta of ideas save moving countries.

Op when you baby arrives you really will see your time is so precious.. And pandering to a bloody grown up woman will be way down on your To Do List.
When you are still feisty and hormonal and not sleep deprived tell them all your Christmas's will be at home from this year on... Get it all out there!!
Start motherhood on your terms.

"I'm sorry, what did you say?!"

"Wow!"

Ignore, ignore, ignore. That's about it. She will not change, you have to manage her. She is not your friend, she does not behave as family, she does not have to have info on your private life. All the best. Congrats on your pregnancy.

I would start pulling her up on the nasty things that she says. But if you really don't want to, which I understand because it sounds like she'll go crazy, then I would just refuse to share the information with her. My MIL gaslights, and deliberately misunderstands what I tell her, so now I just don't tell her anything... and I've told her it's because I don't want her 'misunderstanding' again.

Curious if there are different cultures in play

I think you and dh need to sit down and decide what you want your future to look like with regards to your relationship with mil. Decide how much contact you want with her and stick to it. She should not be dictating what you do.

The only reason people get away with this sort of shit for so long is because they are never challenged or stood up to. If you fail to be assertive things won't change and as you rightly say, she will try to take over when your baby arrives.

Put your foot down. Don't be a doormat. She won't like it and will likely paint you as the bad one but who cares? She's already being vile to you so what's to lose?

I had a MIL like this once and as soon as she saw that I wasn't going to be a total pushover she soon backed off. Yes there was a lot of bitching and unpleasantness from her while she got her head around the fact that she couldn't control me but she came around eventually and we were all better off for it.

Don't worry about her offending her, she doesn't worry about offending you. Tell your dp how you feel and if he won't advocate for you then it's time to stand up for yourself.

I find silence, a head tilt and quizzical look works well.

Congrats and good luck OP.

Congratulations and best wishes on your pregnancy.

I think you need to get on the same page as your DH. How much do you actually want her to see your child? It’s up to you - not her.

I also think you need to try to stop being so worried about offending other people. Your MIL certainly doesn’t worry about upsetting you, after all. You can’t control what other family members think. You could be a complete doormat and other people still might take issue. Figure out what you want, be polite but firm, and don’t agree to anything you don’t actually want.

Good luck.

Ask her how many years is it till she dies

It would be great if OP could turn this into a running joke and do it every time her MIL says something rude, but with a laugh. It would take some skill to pull it off properly.

In which culture would this behaviour be acceptable?

is the British culture only filled with loving understanding MIL’s? Which is why you’re so shocked that one would behave like this so are moved to ask which culture she and OP belong to?

She sounds vile, i definitely would challenge her and warn her she will have nothing to do with her grandchild is she doesn’t stop her shit!

she does it because she can and no one pulls her up for it. What does your oh say?

Congratulations on your pregnancy

I know when the baby arrives she is going to be all over it, ignoring me and will try take over babysitting daily. (She has said this is what she expects).

No need to move country.
If you are bold enough, you can kill 2 birds with one stone.

Next time she makes one her her appalling remarks about your pregnancy, stand up, look her in the eye, & ask her "why don't you fuck off, you obnoxious, callous bitch?"
When she explodes with her usual WW3 tactics, tell her to leave your house - or if you're at hers, leave.

That should buy you some initial distance.
Now maintain it.
When she moans at her son, or recruits Flying Monkeys, just reiterate "I've got nothing to apologise for & I want her to stay away from me until she can apologise herself, & refrain from making foul & hurtful remarks."

Once you have your baby, when she is overbearing & intrusive - just give her more of the same.

I wouldn't usually recommend fighting fire with fire like this, but her comments are so appalling I suspect it's your only option. Let her hate you - so what? If you allow yourself to care what she thinks, you are going to let her walk all over you. She can only do that if you lie down & let her.

Exactly where I got to.
”oh DO Fuck off MIL, there’s a dear…”

people like her do this, because people don’t speak up.

Does she come to your house? I’d put a dead stop to that given her horrific comments to you. You have no need to go to hers, your Dh can go, but why should you? As for the daily babysitting, she does not get to choose who looks after YOUR baby. I can just imagine the delightful comments she’ll make once the baby is old enough to understand. Put down very strong boundaries now before the baby arrives and ensure your Dh is on your side, he doesn’t sound like he’s got strong boundaries at all.

Stuff the flying monkeys who come to cry on your mil’s behalf. Tell them straight that you will not be manipulated or told what to do, you aren’t a child.

She's what we call an arsehole I'm afraid. Let it brush off you, or call her out. My MIL is a bitxh sometimes, it hurts, try to think of something that will
Make you feel better but not lower yourself to her depths of bitxhiness
Congratulations on your pregnancy, don't let shit like her get you down, enjoy and flourish in front of her eyes, she'll HATE it lol 😆

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

If its like this now it's only going to get worse when the baby is born.Start as you mean to go on. You need to establish clear boundaries.
Christmas in your own home, birthdays etc.

Keep mentioning Dementia each time she repeats a nasty comment. Oh MIL, you keep repeating yourself, do you think you need to go to a memory clinic/GP.
Gosh MIL,I'm getting worried about you, your memory seems to be fading and smile
Is there history of Dementia in the family? Oh MIL, be nice to your DIL (you), sure who is going to look after you when you are old- and smile sweetly.

(This is not meant to offend anyone experiencing Dementia in their family, my MIL has it, it's not funny -she was a wonderful MIL but my own mother can be infuriating)

Thank you all for your comments and kind congratulations. I was feeling unwell yesterday (which is a good thing as my pregnancy symptoms faded, so it was reassuring they have returned with a vengeance) so have just logged in and read everyone's comments and had a chance to reply.

@OLP2019 she is English and I'm from Australasia (won't say which country as identifying) but ethnically my family are Mediterranean, so we respect our elders and family is very important.

I know it isn't me, as I've always loved and been loved by my friend's and ex boyfriends parents. I've tried so hard to have a close relationship with her and that has included sharing our fertility journey (partner's choice but I also hate fibbing and hiding info, my own family are so close and very open, but then are sensitive and supportive with the info we share with them).

I think I have to come to terms with the fact as posters have stated I can't change or reason with her, and give up the ideal of a close happy family.

I've told my partner to lie and say our ten week reassurance scan is cancelled so she won't be nosy and ask questions and will keep her at arm's length information wise from now on.

In terms of childcare, one poster gently pointed out I may need her help, but sadly that isn't an option. She isn't hygienic in the kitchen at all, she socialises a lot and would definitely be one to lie if she had covid and say she was well rather than miss out on seeing the baby (she has previous form with this). She also babysits for a family friend and she has the baby on the floor with her yappy nippy dogs, which I would never allow and she would just do it anyway if I wasn't there. A girl I went to school with was bitten badly when she was just 5 on the face and endured life changing injuries and surgery. I'd never forgive myself if I entrusted my child to her. Lastly we were once in an emergency situation, where instead of assisting the person in need she just screamed and wailed, so I don't think she would be a safe adult in an emergency situation like choking etc. Sorry for the long explanation, but there are additional reasons why I don't feel confident her ability to provide childcare.

I think from the overwhelming majority, majorly pulling back is going to have to be the game plan to deal with her. She is robbing me of any peace in this longed for pregnancy, and adding to my stress by repeatedly bringing up previous miscarriages.

She will kick off, but she has already deemed me difficult in the family anyway so I guess it won't make much difference.

If anyone has any personal positive outcomes of pulling back on a mil and more tips and tricks I'd be so grateful.

@KettrickenSmiled what are 'flying monkeys'? 🤔😊

@WibblyWobblyJane & @PeakyBlinda you made me laugh so hard. Very naught but VERY funny.

narcopath.info/about-npd/the-narcissists-players/flying-monkeys/

Best tactic for dealing with Flying Monkeys & MiL herself? - Grey Rock -
www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock#definition

You've got a job on your hands with your partner - he's been conditioned his whole life to pander, to not rock the boat. He probably feels caught in the middle, and will need constant reminders that what he thinks of as normal, is not normal.
So, when you say that keeping them informed was his choice - well, it shouldn't be, because it also affects you very much, and her reactions are not normal. It's now his job to protect you from her. He needs to really, really understand this.

Please tell your partner that he needs to stand up to his mother, and now, or she will have no contact with you. When families let this horrid behaviour happen, a monster is created. Saying those things to you is absolutely not on - you have one life and she doesn’t deserve to be anywhere in it after saying this unforgivable nonsense. Been very lucky with mine but have SIL from hell - stay strong ❤️

I had a MIL who was breathtakingly rude to me, when DH was not there. She would refer to me as "The scarlet woman" (I had been married before) I didn't let her upset me I used to think "You silly vicious cow" when she was having a go, I never reacted or replied to her but just smiled and nodded. If she asked me a question I would either shrug or say "I can't/don't want to discuss that now"
I stayed sane and eventually she eased off.
Don't let her upset you, grow a very thick skin, and remember she isn't really worth you getting upset, try to treat her with indifference, try it, its very liberating not to care.