I think I'm to blame TW Pregnancy loss

[Este67]

I found out I was pregnant at the start of last month. It was due to a very brief relationship and unplanned but I've genuinely never been so happy. I felt like I'd won the lottery. I was doing everything I could to have a successful pregnancy, I stopped all alcohol straight away, started foelic acid, I was washing all veg, cooking chicken and eggs to within an inch of their life. I had some spotting/weird yellow discharge so had an early scan at 6 week + 6. The baby had a heartbeat and was measuring a few days bigger. The DR told me I was "one of the lucky ones," and said there was very little chance of anything going wrong now there was a heartbeat. A week later I had some incredibly light spotting on a swab I took to find out why I was having the weird discharge. I was booked for another scan and they couldn't find a heartbeat. I don't understand how this could happen and I'm convinced it was my fault. In my quest to find out what went wrong I have just realised that my fridge was set at 0, which means it was effectively off this whole time. I have eaten chicken breast and homemade mackerel pate from that fridge, (listeria? toxoplasmosis?) could this have been it? Could it have been the yellow discharge? Infection? I called the doctor so many times about it and was fobbed off, sent from pillar to post until eventually they told me to pick up a swab kit, almost 2 weeks after I'd initially asked. Should I have been more proactive? I just know it was my fault, how can a healthy foetus just stop growing for no reason in less than a week? I've never experienced pain like this. I'm in my mid 30s, this might have been my last chance. I'm completely broken by this. Has anyone had a similar experience and know how I can get answers?

Early losses in pregnancy means the foetus is just not viable. It's unlikely to be your fault. I'm sorry for your loss x

Nothing you did or didn't do caused this. I know it's hard to make peace with it, but there's nothing you could have done. All of the conditions you mention have serious symptoms that go alongside them so you would know if you'd have had something like that, they don't just cause a miscarriage in isolation.

I think you got some bad advice at your scan, being told you're "one of the lucky ones" seems a bit odd and it is more unusual to miscarry after the baby has a heartbeat but it's still very possible.

I'm really sorry for your loss. It's unimaginably painful. But please try to go easy on yourself, it's not your fault.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

It absolutely was not your fault.
It's so important that you hear that.

I have had 3 losses and I remember with my first and second blaming myself. With my first, I was so stressed due to job loss and a bereavement. I blamed myself for a long time for 'not protecting my baby'.

Then with my second, I was further along. I'd had 2 scans and seen the heartbeat etc .. and I lost the pregnancy just days after the last scan where everything was perfectly fine.
I questioned everything I could have done 'wrong'.

Eventually after the 3rd I did have some tests which showed I had a blood condition which may have been the problem so I can now take blood thinning medication.

But for a long time I blamed myself, my body for letting me down. It was awful.

Please know that it isn't your fault. It's heartbreaking that this has happened, but you are absolutely not to blame.

Please take care of yourself. X

It's just very hard to accept that things could change so drastically in under a week without it being my fault. The night before the last scan I had terrible trapped wind and diarrhoea. I thought it was my IBS but now I'm thinking it could have been food poisoning. I've read you can have listeria/toxoplasmosis without symptoms but still pass it on to the baby. My body doesn't know the baby has stopped growing so I still feel pregnant. Three days on from the scan and I'm still waiting to miscarry, I feel like I'm in hell.

I have miscarried twice, including once after seeing a heartbeat. There is nothing that you could have done to prevent it. To use a metaphor that I found helpful: sometimes it's just that the 'code' is wrong so at a certain point the 'program' can't run any further and your body recognises that the pregnancy isn't viable.

It does not mean that you won't go on to have healthy pregnancies in future. After my two miscarriages, I went on to have two very straighforward pregnancies, with no trouble conceiving.

@HowManyDaysReally That's exactly how I feel, like I was given this incredible opportunity and I've blown it. I remember now that one of the chicken breast fillets I cooked smelled funny but it was well within date and as I had recently been vegan (I switched back to eating meat as I thought it would be better for the baby ironically) I thought I'd forgotten how meat is supposed to smell. Now that I've realised my fridge was effectively off I'm also positive I ate gone off meat and the bacteria is what's caused this. I don't know why I didn't check my fridge settings before.

OP, something like 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage, most of them early on like yours. It’s really not your fault. Have you read this info page : www.nhs.uk/conditions/miscarriage/

there was very little chance of anything going wrong now there was a heartbeat.

This isn't right lovely, in the early stages this isn't uncommon and meant the foetus wasn't viable. I had the exact same happen to me at 37 and I went on to have 2 healthy kids after. You didn't cause it with your food or anything else you did I promise, most women have a MC at some point, the first trimester (13 weeks) is the most likely time to lose a pregnancy which is why most people don't announce until into the 4th month. You still have time, I had my last at 41 xx

I'd also like to point out I also blamed myself for the loss (too much stress/pressure at work) but over time have accepted it wasn't me it was just life xx

@glamourousindierockandroll I honestly don't know how I will be able to conceive again. It took 2 years of OLD to find the guy I conceived with and at my age I can't afford to wait another 2 years. I could look into IVF but I don't have huge amounts of money. The first thing I did after finding out I was pregnant was delete all my dating apps. I was overjoyed at the prospect of not having to put myself through trawling through the online cesspit of narcs, ghosters, emotional abuse. I was so happy to think of me and my little one moving to the countryside and finally being happy. I cannot believe I have to start all over again, I honestly can't cope with this.

Don't blame yourself. I've had two miscarriages both after seeing a heartbeat. It's really not your fault. It's just one of those things. Miscarriages are so common. One in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage. I'm sorry this happened to you.

Very sorry this has happened OP. If having children rather than dating to find a partner is what your heart is really set on, then I’d recommend considering going it alone as a single parent by choice. There’s procedures like IUI that are more affordable than IVF, which you could try first. Did you conceive easily this time? If so, that may be all you need.

@Este67

Honestly, that was one thing I also beat myself up over. I'd been vegan, and went back to eating meat and I was convinced that had caused a miscarriage.
I was also questioning if the decaf tea I'd drank was really decaf or if I'd had too much. All sorts. Anything to blame myself because otherwise it didn't make sense.

But this can happen with no reason. Certainly not one to blame yourself over.
With my second loss, I had to have a medical management at the hospital because the baby didn't pass naturally.
They sent some of the placenta off for testing which all came back normal.
So they couldn't say why at all it had happened.
They didn't pick up the blood issue at this point. I don't think that is what they test for.

It really isn't your fault. If you had food poisoning, you'd know about it. You'd be so poorly with sickness and diarrhea. Especially if it was from meat.

I hope you have supportive people around you x

I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve had three miscarriages and initially saw heartbeats at two scans. It sounds like your doctor said the wrong thing, which is really unfortunate. Please try and focus on healing and being really kind to yourself, think about if this happened to a friend how you’d talk to them about it. I can say with almost 100% confidence that this wasn’t your fault. Miscarriages happen when there’s something wrong with the foetus sadly. For now just focus on resting and doing what makes you feel good - spending time with friends, eating nice food and sleeping. I had my first baby at almost 35, and my second at 41 so you’ve plenty of time yet.

@GodspeedJune Yes I did concieve really. I didn't know it at the time but I happened to spend the night with the guy I was dating for the first time on the date I would have been ovulating. Funnily enough, the week before that I had gone to an IVF clinic for an ultrasound to look into freezing my eggs/IVF. That's why I felt so lucky because it meant I could spend my savings on the baby rather than IVF.

easily

How old are you?

@HowManyDaysReally Thank you for this, I may ask my hospital to do the same re. the placenta as it doesn't look like it's going to happen on its own. I'm just worried how I will react if they come back and tell me it was due to a perfectly manageable infection or something else.

@whosaidtha 34

Op it's not your fault at all. Unfortunately 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage and realistically scientists are still finding new reasons why. There is a lot of "rules" thrown at pregnant women of do this or don't do that and unfortunately when MC does happen women blame themselves even though it's not their fault and they cannot control it. Even if an infection did cause the MC then it was your drs who failed in taking so long to get swabs to you. It's not your fault for having to wait.

I had a MC at 12 weeks my first and only pregnancy and the bereavement is awful you don't just lose the entire future you built up in your head. I grieved not just for my baby I grieved for the future I created in my mind and that hurt so bad. But it does get easier in time. Keep talking about it. It took me 6 months to start to feel like my old self again x

OP, I'm sorry for your loss. As others have pointed out, miscarriage is unfortunately extremely common and atvthis early stage is most likely because the fetus was unviable.

The doctor should not have said at 6 weeks that you were one of the lucky ones. I have also had 2 miscarriages, both after seeing a heartbeat.

Like you I was desperate for answers, especially after the second. I remember buying a book which explained scientifically the many causes that could lead to pregnancy loss. It was sobering to read how very common it is but also reassured me it was highly unlikely it was anything that I had done

34 isn't too old. You've got time to find someone or save to go alone if that's what you choose. Good luck.

There is no reason for it. I went on a similar mission to you to find out the reason. The hard truth is often there is no reason. We like to think we're in control but actually there's very little a woman can do to either cause or prevent a miscarriage.

Thank you to everyone who has responded. I was expecting at least one person to agree with me that it was my fault but the general consensus seems to be it was just one of those things. Very very hard to accept. It's made harder by the fact I hadn't told anyone apart from my best friend and I don't have a partner, so I just feel incredibly alone and future feels so so bleak. I've had so many awful things happen over the last few years (failed engagement, family estrangement, health issues) and I've been able to bounce back (ish) but this just feels insurmountable. I do think the the DR telling me I was lucky hasn't helped, although I know he meant well. I just really thought after everything this was finally my chance to be happy. I've given up on getting married/finding someone but I just really thought I'd at least get to have this baby. All my friends are getting married and having babies and it's been hell being on the sidelines and I was just so sure it was finally my turn.

Oh sweetheart 💐THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Mother nature sometimes does things that seem incredibly cruel.

For whatever reason, and you will probably never know exactly why, this pregnancy wasn't viable.

You cannot blame yourself, that way madness lies.

Please, stop beating yourself up.