I think I'm to blame TW Pregnancy loss

[Este67]

I found out I was pregnant at the start of last month. It was due to a very brief relationship and unplanned but I've genuinely never been so happy. I felt like I'd won the lottery. I was doing everything I could to have a successful pregnancy, I stopped all alcohol straight away, started foelic acid, I was washing all veg, cooking chicken and eggs to within an inch of their life. I had some spotting/weird yellow discharge so had an early scan at 6 week + 6. The baby had a heartbeat and was measuring a few days bigger. The DR told me I was "one of the lucky ones," and said there was very little chance of anything going wrong now there was a heartbeat. A week later I had some incredibly light spotting on a swab I took to find out why I was having the weird discharge. I was booked for another scan and they couldn't find a heartbeat. I don't understand how this could happen and I'm convinced it was my fault. In my quest to find out what went wrong I have just realised that my fridge was set at 0, which means it was effectively off this whole time. I have eaten chicken breast and homemade mackerel pate from that fridge, (listeria? toxoplasmosis?) could this have been it? Could it have been the yellow discharge? Infection? I called the doctor so many times about it and was fobbed off, sent from pillar to post until eventually they told me to pick up a swab kit, almost 2 weeks after I'd initially asked. Should I have been more proactive? I just know it was my fault, how can a healthy foetus just stop growing for no reason in less than a week? I've never experienced pain like this. I'm in my mid 30s, this might have been my last chance. I'm completely broken by this. Has anyone had a similar experience and know how I can get answers?

So sorry for your loss. It’s not your fault at all. I had 2 mmc where I saw a heartbeat then the baby didn’t make it. I had medical management with the first after 2 weeks in case my body managed to sort things naturally but the second time I had it sooner. I found it manageable and really didn’t fancy the surgical route. Just make sure they prescribe you codeine and take that with paracetamol and ibuprofen (you can take all 3 together). I was 39/40 though so older than you and in all likelihood you will be fine next time around!

also when I was 34 I had a 2 yo and was single but not yet divorced (awkward ex, lack of money), I met someone and had another baby (met him at 36, both with a lot of practical stuff to deal with - house, job etc) and started trying for a baby at 39. You DO have time 👍👍.

I totally blamed myself for our losses. Even though I know there's nothing I could have done differently, I felt I should have.
Our last loss was sent for genetic screening after we saw a heartbeat, results came back normal. We were told it's just "one of those things".

I suspect the 1 in 4 statistic is actually a lot higher. Most of my friends and family have suffered losses. There is nothing to prevent them, it's just shite.

Your not "too old", I'm older than you and I am now 19 weeks pg. I know it feels like time is running out but genuinely it's not, I met my partner 3 years ago after my exH suddenly walked out me, I thought my life was over. I never thought I'd meet anyone. I didn't even think it was worth my time looking. Then I met DP at a bar during a friends leaving drinks a few months later, thought he was a bit odd but agreed to go for coffee. Best thing I ever did.

Please don't blame yourself, losses are hard enough. Look after yourself Xx

I had one expectant and one medical management. Opted for mm as I was further along. It was fine. I stayed in hospital about 10hrs and then home. Not keen on the idea of surgery but your choice.

Just echoing what everyone else has said, it's definitely not your fault.

I saw a heart beat at 8 weeks with mine, baby had passed at my next scans a week later (measured two days bigger from the scan the week before). My body still thought I was pregnant too, the only difference is that the continual spotting I'd had up until that point, stopped. Research your options, decide what's best for you and don't let anyone change your mind. I chose surgical management and had a junior Dr question my choice for surgery in the hospital, even having complications it was the right choice for me. My hospital didn't share this with me at the time, but my tissue was visibly abnormal so it was sent to pathology and discovered I'd had a partial molar pregnancy and I was fortunate/unfortunate to get as far as I did.

Think about how women got pregnant and gave birth 1,000 years ago. They didn't worry about hygiene or toxoplasmosis or washing chicken...

This wasn't your fault. About one in eight pregnancies end in miscarriage.

I'm sorry for your loss.

It wasn’t your fault. If you had food poisoning from gone off chicken you would definitely know about it. 34 is definitely not old. Most of my friends met their partners and had kids mid-late 30s. Honestly, relax. You’ve got loads of time.

Thank you to those who have replied and particularly to those who have had spoken on their experiences of surgical/medical management.

I had to have a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy last Sept due to suspected endometriosis. I've only recently received the medical notes from the procedure and I've been reading over them in the last few days. In one of the them the surgeon wrote that I had no evidence of endometriosis but a "very thin band of adhesions extending from sigmoid colon to the posterior wall of the uterus but did not appear to show any significant enhancement." I'm now wondering if this could be Asherman's? When I woke up after the lap she told me everything looked great and there was no endo but isn't it bad to have adhesions in the uterus, no matter how mild? Could this be the cause of the miscarriage?

Either way I'm thinking it's best to opt for medical management as I had a termination at 19 and I don't want to increase risk of Asherman's if I don't already have it.

I too saw a heartbeat and first signs for me was a few weeks later when my breasts stopped hurting. Baby passed a few days after the scan but I didn’t know.

the nurse explained it to me like this….

babies get half their chromosomes from each parent. For that to happen the chromosomes have to divide as they don’t come pre- divided.

during that process, sometimes the divide isn’t equal. A few too many on that side, a few too little on the other.

if one of those incomplete halves is the one that gets used, then they don’t make a whole; making the chance of a healthy baby impossible. Unfortunately, sometimes it takes a while for the body to realise this, or for the foetus to stop growing because it can’t. Which is why it mostly happens within the first 12 weeks

it was very healing for me to realise that my baby would never have happened. I could have eaten all the fresh vegetables and done everything right, and nothing would stopped what happened. It was never going to be.

I now have two beautiful babies so please don’t think this is it.

1st pregnancy was an accident, I smoked, drank and the night of conception took drugs. No folic acid was taken. Didn't find out til 1 or 2 weeks after missed period. Healthy baby.

2nd pregnancy was planned. Supplements and healthy living. Wee baby stopped growing and was only picked up on scan. Same as yourself, 1 wee spot of blood. Continued to feel very pregnant. Went for surgical management. I don't recommend due to risk of Asherman's. The medical management might take longer but its less risk.

I would get more info on the surgical adhesions in the very small chance it contributed to miscarriage. But tbh. Its most likely chromosomal. Either on his part or yours. If he was a drinker/smoker/used drugs/older/on certain meds, it can all affect his swimmers. You may have had a dodgy egg. However, 34 is still young, you've another 6 years at least so try to brush yourself off and continue looking and considering your options. Look into a follow up scan after all this has settled to get those adhesions checked out if there still is any there.

Unfortunately miscarriage is a less talked about part of trying for a baby. Your chances of this happening again are lessenen and most women go on to have healthy pregnancies (me included and I'm significantly older than you)

Good luck with your treatment 💐

@Raindrops2015 Thank you for your reply. Yes I think I will try to get the adhesions looked into as they are mentioned on my initial mri notes but nothing is mentioned on my notes for a later hysteroscopy I had, which is how Asherman's is diagnosed from what I've read, so I'm confused. Re. management I am going to try to let nature take its course and if that doesn't work I will try medical management. Really hoping it happens naturally as I've heard so many horror stories about medical and my mental health is hanging on by a thread as it is.

Sweetheart, this wasn't your fault. I've had three losses, all different, a natural miscarriage, an ectopic and a MMC.

None of them were my fault (although I do suffer from anxiety brought on by ectopic). Your loss wasn't your fault.

I spent a long time blaming myself, it's taken years to come to terms with the ectopic (it was the most traumatic for me). I needed an explanation, I reason and an understanding, but there isn't one.

I know your grief very well, I also know there is nothing I can say to ease it, but know that you are not alone x

@cleanbreak2022 thank you for your kind words. I spoke with the Epu this morning and they've advised me to wait 2 weeks for expectant management, so hoping to use that time to try to come to terms with it. She told me the growth stopped at 11.8mm so must have stopped shortly after the scan I had where they were 11mm. Not sure why but its made me feel so so sad knowing they only made it a few more days after that, I honestly don't think I will ever get over this.

Hello dear,
Hope everything went well for you.
I'm sorry for your loss... it does happen.

I lost my little boy at 18 weeks and now I'm writing to ask you if you got your swab results?
What we had in common was THE YELLOW DISCHARGE and I'm also beating myself up for not pushing too much to be chacked. I was fobbed off and told if it doesn't itch or give me burning sensation, it's normal. It was the only worrying thing before my miscarriage. Interestingly, I took Pregnacare, but never heard about any connection between the color of discharge and these vitamins.

If you know anything, please do let me know. I'm in limbo, waiting for the follow up meeting with the consultant. Maybe this can be a clue?

Take care!

@MomLostInTheClouds Hi, I'm so sorry about your little boy, I can't imagine what you must be going through :( I had a natural miscarriage 2 weeks ago, it was unbelievably painful and lasted the whole day, nothing at all like the "heavy period" I was told to expect. Yet more rubbish from the doctor, I don't know why I bothered to listen to anything they said. Re. the swab, it only came back positive for thrush. I have had some yellow discharge since but not as much as before, so not sure what to think tbh. I was able to collect some tissue during the miscarriage which the hospital told me they would test so waiting to hear back on that. Not sure how helpful that is to you, I hope you get the answers you're looking for x