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Original poster

Can men really be that "unbothered" about whether they have kids?

65 replies

denim321 · 02/06/2022 22:49

I'm 40, divorced and have one Dd. Apart from the potential issues with fertility at my age, I have underlying medical conditions that make pregnancy high risk (for both me & any potential baby). I absolutely love being a mum and an ideal world would love more but have accepted it's not going to happen and im more than happy with my amazing Dd.

Had an absolutely disastrous time dating but for the 1st time in 6 years I've found someone I really click with and am starting to fall for.

However, he (also 40) doesn't have any dc. Very early on brought up the fact that I can't/won't be having anymore kids. I also asked if he wanted kids after the first month or so as wasn't wanting us to waste each other's time. His answer was "never say never but it's not something he feels strongly about" he also said he had never met anyone he seen a future with to the extent that he wanted to get married or have kids.

As things are progressing and I'm falling for him more, this is the one boggling doubt at the back of my head.

He just seemed so laid back and nonchalant about it. Before I had my Dd I had what I can only describe as an overwhelming yearning for a child. Conversely, I have friends who absolutely don't want kids - more than fair enough.

It's the "never say never" that's thrown me a bit as I thought most people would have strong feelings one way or another?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 02/06/2022 22:51

DH was 36 when we met, or just about to turn 37. He was fairly nonchalant about having them I think because he'd just got to an age and had a dating history where it didn't seem likely. I think if I'd have said no, he'd have been OK. If I'd said 1 he'd have been fine. He had a hard line at two so I had twins the second pregnancy just to screw with him 😂. But yeah, it was meeting and falling in love with someone who really wanted them I think which made him want them for US

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/06/2022 22:53

Some men feel that way even once they have kids.

I know what you mean, we were both desperate to have one, and DH already had two. It was primal. But not everyone feels like that and I expect he doesn’t want to be a dad and his never say never thing was a refusal to get further into it early on in a relationship.

You can ask him what he meant by it.

Original poster
denim321 · 02/06/2022 22:55

Thanks @SleepingStandingUp so nice that it worked out that way for you!

Yes, it's almost as if he'd resigned himself to it being unlikely to happen. But then with him being male and not having quite the same time pressures I'm wondering if it some point he'll realise he'd be better with someone younger who can give him a family

I've been through a lot in past relationships and just wary of being hurt

OP posts:
Original poster
denim321 · 02/06/2022 22:58

But not everyone feels like that and I expect he doesn’t want to be a dad and his never say never thing was a refusal to get further into it early on in a relationship.

His response was more "it would be nice but I've never met the right person" but then shrugged it off as if it wouldn't be the end of the world if it didn't happen.

It was only a couple of weeks into dating that I first brought it up. More because I felt I should be up front about not having more myself.

Maybe now we know each other better I should ask again

OP posts:
grapewines · 02/06/2022 22:59

Many men are wholly unbothered, I think, and have them because their partners want them. Some are still unbothered once they become parents, as is evident from thread after the thread on here.

minipie · 02/06/2022 23:01

From his phrasing I would be slightly wary that this is an indication of Peter Pan syndrome and he’s basically a 25 yr old in a 40 yr old’s body. Busy having fun and thinks he has all the time in the world to be a grown up.

However I absolutely do think there are plenty of men who don’t mind that much one way or the other about having DC.

DenholmElliot1 · 02/06/2022 23:02

Yes I think in the western world most men are unbothered about having children and just go along with the female.

In countries with no official government financial support network, having children is much more important, vital even.

Here in the west we get a pension when we're too old to work. I guess in countries where there is no pension, thats when children are more desired.

nearlyspringyay · 02/06/2022 23:03

Some men are unbothered, so are some women. If you don't want the same thing you can't change him.

Original poster
denim321 · 02/06/2022 23:05

DenholmElliot1 · 02/06/2022 23:02

Yes I think in the western world most men are unbothered about having children and just go along with the female.

In countries with no official government financial support network, having children is much more important, vital even.

Here in the west we get a pension when we're too old to work. I guess in countries where there is no pension, thats when children are more desired.

That's interesting. When I spent years doing online dating my preference was to meet a man with Dc of his own.

My assumption was that men without db would either want dc (in which case it wouldn't work long term), or we're against having dc (in which case it wouldn't work given my Dd is my priority).

I met this guy in real life - first time I've met someone not through an app, so I didn't do my usual filtering process and I'm really enjoying my time with him

OP posts:
LondonMaybe · 02/06/2022 23:07

It’s becoming more socially acceptable for women to say they don’t want kids and not have them. Previously women would have them as it was what you did/was expected of them. Have had more friends recently not having kids as they don’t want them, and they’ve said how refreshing it is to live now when they have the choice. It’s always been more acceptable for men to vocalise it and stick to it. Me it was an undeniable urge to have kids, but if it was the other way that’s also normal.

Original poster
denim321 · 02/06/2022 23:09

nearlyspringyay · 02/06/2022 23:03

Some men are unbothered, so are some women. If you don't want the same thing you can't change him.

If he's genuinely unbothered I'm actually happy.

I'd never look to change anyones wishes/opinions on having kids. Im more worried he secretly wants them but knows I don't.

That would lead to us breaking up over it in the future as I'd want him to meet someone else to have dc with, otherwise it would be a relationship where he resented me for him not having anybody

OP posts:
Original poster
denim321 · 02/06/2022 23:09

LondonMaybe · 02/06/2022 23:07

It’s becoming more socially acceptable for women to say they don’t want kids and not have them. Previously women would have them as it was what you did/was expected of them. Have had more friends recently not having kids as they don’t want them, and they’ve said how refreshing it is to live now when they have the choice. It’s always been more acceptable for men to vocalise it and stick to it. Me it was an undeniable urge to have kids, but if it was the other way that’s also normal.

Yes, I get this. I just assumed everyone would have a string feeling one way or another. Especially by 40

OP posts:
Feelingoktoday · 02/06/2022 23:14

I think a lot of women are not bothered either way but it’s not socially acceptable to express those feelings. I know lots of women who have chosen not to have children.

Discovereads · 02/06/2022 23:18

He probably doesn’t want kids and has planned not to have them, but might have said the “never say never” just to show that in the event of an unplanned pregnancy that he’d fully support your decision to terminate or not. He might think that if he expressed not wanting kids too strongly, that would then pressure you into a termination if you had an unplanned pregnancy. So he’s taken a “prefer not to, but ok if it happens” stance.

noirchatsdeux · 02/06/2022 23:21

I've never met a man who really really really wanted children, who felt that 'primal' urge to have them that so many women seem afflicted with (I'm not one of them).

That includes my own father, who had 3 children. He freely admitted he never wanted children...myself and my two brothers are only here because my mother is Catholic. His own father was so angry when my grandmother got pregnant with him that he didn't talk to her for two weeks...

I've had a couple of men who tried to tell me that I really wanted children when I've repeatedly told them I didn't. Fucking pissed me off, to be honest...I know my own mind and I don't appreciate anyone trying to tell me otherwise.

Original poster
denim321 · 02/06/2022 23:22

Discovereads · 02/06/2022 23:18

He probably doesn’t want kids and has planned not to have them, but might have said the “never say never” just to show that in the event of an unplanned pregnancy that he’d fully support your decision to terminate or not. He might think that if he expressed not wanting kids too strongly, that would then pressure you into a termination if you had an unplanned pregnancy. So he’s taken a “prefer not to, but ok if it happens” stance.

This would actually be good if that's what he meant.

I mentioned first that I'm not intending to have more so I was worried he was just pretending to be okay with that

OP posts:
motogirl · 02/06/2022 23:22

It could be his way of saying he's open to being a stepdad too. Not all men (or women) care about biological children but make great parents

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 02/06/2022 23:24

grapewines · 02/06/2022 22:59

Many men are wholly unbothered, I think, and have them because their partners want them. Some are still unbothered once they become parents, as is evident from thread after the thread on here.

Agreed.

There are also many men who want children as some sort of tick box life achievement thing, or to appease their parents asking "when are we getting some grandchildren?" But then the babies actually arrive and they realise they just want to be a parent, they don't want to actually do any parenting.

Discovereads · 02/06/2022 23:28

I've never met a man who really really really wanted children, who felt that 'primal' urge to have them

I have. Weirdly they all had dad issues as in growing up with either no father or an abusive father.

Overthewine · 02/06/2022 23:57

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Overthewine · 02/06/2022 23:58

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Pinkbonbon · 03/06/2022 00:46

Have to say the last 3 men I dated have all said they didn't want children. Tbf though probably after I've said that to them so there's nothing to say that they couldn't just be saying that because I did. But I don't think so.

But then it might be that they don't really ever give it much thought. I live in fear I'll fall in love with someone who will change their mind and decide they really want them as that would be relationship over :/

Sunnytwobridges · 03/06/2022 02:07

grapewines · 02/06/2022 22:59

Many men are wholly unbothered, I think, and have them because their partners want them. Some are still unbothered once they become parents, as is evident from thread after the thread on here.

This. My father didn’t care one way or the other, he only had dc because my mother wanted them.

i know a lot of men that don’t have a strong desire and some of them have them and become great dads and some of them don’t.

Sunnytwobridges · 03/06/2022 02:12

Discovereads · 02/06/2022 23:28

I've never met a man who really really really wanted children, who felt that 'primal' urge to have them

I have. Weirdly they all had dad issues as in growing up with either no father or an abusive father.

I agree. My ex really really wanted children and it’s because he grew up with an absent father and a somewhat toxic mother. He wanted to be a better parent than either of his were to him. But I’ve never met anyone else like him.

Rubyroseyposey · 03/06/2022 03:11

Not everyone does though, I never had any desire for children myself, became pregnant unplanned so I now have one. But I certainly never felt any yearning. It just wasn't something I ever even thought about tbh.

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