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Original poster

Can men really be that "unbothered" about whether they have kids?

65 replies

denim321 · 02/06/2022 22:49

I'm 40, divorced and have one Dd. Apart from the potential issues with fertility at my age, I have underlying medical conditions that make pregnancy high risk (for both me & any potential baby). I absolutely love being a mum and an ideal world would love more but have accepted it's not going to happen and im more than happy with my amazing Dd.

Had an absolutely disastrous time dating but for the 1st time in 6 years I've found someone I really click with and am starting to fall for.

However, he (also 40) doesn't have any dc. Very early on brought up the fact that I can't/won't be having anymore kids. I also asked if he wanted kids after the first month or so as wasn't wanting us to waste each other's time. His answer was "never say never but it's not something he feels strongly about" he also said he had never met anyone he seen a future with to the extent that he wanted to get married or have kids.

As things are progressing and I'm falling for him more, this is the one boggling doubt at the back of my head.

He just seemed so laid back and nonchalant about it. Before I had my Dd I had what I can only describe as an overwhelming yearning for a child. Conversely, I have friends who absolutely don't want kids - more than fair enough.

It's the "never say never" that's thrown me a bit as I thought most people would have strong feelings one way or another?

OP posts:
happypaps · 03/06/2022 06:47

My DH would have never even asked if/when we were having kids unless I was keen. I reckon we'd have reached old age and he may have realised that we never bothered to have any and then gone 'oh well'

He simply wasn't bothered (but he is a fantastic dad now!)

DesignerRecliner · 03/06/2022 07:01

When I met DH he told me within 4-6 weeks that he definitely wanted children at some point in the future and a family unit was important to him. If I didn't want children that would've been a deal breaker for him. We are happily married with 2 DC.

Others or DH's friends who are still single seem mostly unbothered either way, they're open to the idea but not actively seeking a mother to their future children. One of my male friends actively wants kids in the future and one is absolutely against children - men can know their own minds and preferences

maythe4thbewithme · 03/06/2022 07:06

I would say 99% of men leave planning children to their wives/partners - if it was left up to them the human race would be extinct already

JohannSebastianBach · 03/06/2022 07:07

Can't say I ever had any strong feelings about having kids before I had a child. I never felt maternal/broody/looked longingly at babies.
Wouldn't have minded if I didn't have any. Have one now and she's very nice.

It's not just men who aren't that bothered.

MagicTurtle · 03/06/2022 07:14

Honestly OP, I think this is more common than you think! Some people are genuinely happy to leave the decision of "kids or no kids" to their partner. My brother is like this.

Delilahwasframed · 03/06/2022 07:17

I think this is really common, surely, among women as well as men. I certainly didn’t have any strong feelings about having a child or not. Having a child wasn’t a dealbreaker or a great urge for me. I have two dc.

MintJulia · 03/06/2022 07:21

A lot of men do't seem to be bothered whether they have dcs. And then aren't too bothered how much they see them if they do have them. I think plenty see it as something they are expected to do to keep their wives quiet happy.

ImplementingTheDennisSystem · 03/06/2022 07:21

No OP, it's much more common than you think to be "not bothered either way" about kids.
I'm a 38 year old, very happily married woman. Ive been with DH for 17 years. We have the means to have kids and we would make excellent parents if the situation were forced on us. But we're both "not bothered".
If one of us massively pushed the agenda, the other would cave and have a child. But it's not something that either of us is going to make happen.
I also "wasn't bothered" with my lovely ex.
The absolute "we would rather die than have kids" stance has always been lost on me though.

110APiccadilly · 03/06/2022 07:29

Personal experience - DH, while he adores DD, was less fussed about having her in the abstract. In other words, the idea of a child was something which resonated less strongly with him than with me. (Also true, to some extent, while I was pregnant, but that's a bit different ar I could feel kicking and so on.) He doesn't love her any less than me now she's here and an actual flesh and blood child.

Original poster
denim321 · 03/06/2022 07:40

110APiccadilly · 03/06/2022 07:29

Personal experience - DH, while he adores DD, was less fussed about having her in the abstract. In other words, the idea of a child was something which resonated less strongly with him than with me. (Also true, to some extent, while I was pregnant, but that's a bit different ar I could feel kicking and so on.) He doesn't love her any less than me now she's here and an actual flesh and blood child.

That's a really good way to put it!

OP posts:
Original poster
denim321 · 03/06/2022 07:43

Thanks everyone!x

OP posts:
BreakerOfBras · 03/06/2022 07:49

I think what some men mean by unbothered is that they quite like the idea of playing footy in the park with their kid, swinging them round and making them laugh etc. But they don't fancy the shit grind that comes with raising kids - the mess, the tantrums, etc. So they have them without thinking it through, or because their wife wants them, but when the going gets tough they fall back on the "it was you who insisted on kids, I wasn't fussed" argument. Maybe I'm cynical. Personally, I've never wanted kids, and struggle to imagine how anyone can be "unbothered" about such a life altering decision

Delilahwasframed · 03/06/2022 07:59

and struggle to imagine how anyone can be "unbothered" about such a life altering decision

Because finding and having a decent relationship is more important? Or a career? Or having lots of money and free time? Or…anything really? Lots of things are life altering and lots of people will be more bothered about having a good relationship and career. If they can have those other things, some will look at having a child as well.

BertieBotts · 03/06/2022 08:08

I think women know that they will 100% be involved in and doing the work if they have children so we tend to have quite strong opinions either way. Like if you think about owning a dog or a horse - you know whether that's something you'd like to do or not. But men can often have this vague feeling that children are just something that exist vaguely in their life, it's not a commitment for them, it's something they do if the woman they are with wants to. Kind of like considering whether you want a pet hamster or not. Some people who really love hamsters or hate rodents might have a very strong opinion on whether they want to do it or not, but most people would not have particularly strong feelings either way.

(Not all men obviously)

BigFatLiar · 03/06/2022 08:11

When I fell pregnant I asked DH if he was happy I was pregnant and he said he was (and to be fair he's been a great dad). We had never mentioned children while we were dating which is probably weird as we talk about most things. He said that as far as he was concerned he married me because he wanted us to share our lives and children were a bonus.

Original poster
denim321 · 03/06/2022 08:14

Because finding and having a decent relationship is more important? Or a career? Or having lots of money and free time? Or…anything reall

I think this is my bf's view. He seems more interested in finding the "right" person then he'll figure out the dc situation. Whereas views on dc is a factor in determining if you're right for each other

OP posts:
Original poster
denim321 · 03/06/2022 08:16

Pressed "post" too soon. I meant to say views on dc are an important factor for ME in determining if a partner is a good match

OP posts:
Thebeastofsleep · 03/06/2022 08:27

I didn't feel strongly about having kids or not. DH felt very strongly, so we had them. I never got broody or felt the need to procreate so can totally see my life as child free had I met a different man.

Herejustforthisone · 03/06/2022 08:41

I felt that way @denim321 and I’m a woman. I really, truly didn’t give a monkeys about the idea of having them. We’re all different.

AliasGrape · 03/06/2022 08:53

I knew I wanted children and was getting to an age where I couldn’t mess about, so had the ‘do you want children in the near future’ conversation with my now DH very early on. His answer was yes, which is good as it would have been a deal breaker for me. However, whilst he did want them, it wouldn’t have been a dealbreaker for him in the same way I don’t think.

As a pp said of her own partner, my husband was at an age and with a dating history that might have made it seemed unlikely he was going to start a family any time soon. I think he really wanted a happy relationship and would have taken that with or without children, though his preference was for with.

We ARE happy and we have one DD. I might have tried for one more, but he was quite clear one was enough for him. It took us years to conceive and we needed fertility help though not IVF, we had a lot of discussions around how far we would take the trying to conceive efforts. He would have been content to have stopped after our one allotted IVF attempt on nhs, know we’d tried, and get on with life. I’m not sure I would have been, I think I’d probably have gone to any lengths.

He’s a wonderful dad and dd has made his whole life, but I think he’d have been happy in a different way without children in a way I wouldn’t. (Totally possible to be happy without for men OR women of course, but not sure I would have).

probablysaferoutdoors · 03/06/2022 09:14

I think it's partly because men have more time and can take it easy. I want another as well but it's not happening for me, I'm a similar age. Grass isn't always greener though as my husband wants one quite badly and if/when I can't actually provide that it's going to cause other issues I'm sure.

I'm a big advocate of sorting this as a priority whilst young, we're told it's not important but it's very important.

We're having children later and later but we should be warning women that we should think seriously about children the way we do about our career, but that's not feminist so doesn't happen.

MushyPeasPrincess · 03/06/2022 09:38

Discovereads · 02/06/2022 23:28

I've never met a man who really really really wanted children, who felt that 'primal' urge to have them

I have. Weirdly they all had dad issues as in growing up with either no father or an abusive father.

Same.

Pinkbonbon · 03/06/2022 10:26

I think the reason we probably should 'feel strongly' about kids one way or another is that they do a great deal of harm to our body during pregnancy and childbirth.

So if you want to have them then it should probably not be a blasé, wave of the hand choice. There are risks big massive risks with bells on.

I'd be wary of any man who didn't consider how much I could be harmed in the process too. I dont think, tables turned, I would risk a hair on the head of someone I loved for a currently non existent being. But tbf if some woman don't consider the risks, we can't expect men to either I suppose.

Botoxbotox · 03/06/2022 10:32

My DH could have happily continued without children. He loves the bones of them now they are here, but also enjoyed the finer things in life without them.

Having said that, I don't know if would have entered a relationship with someone with their own dc, he loves his own but I don't think he'd build a life with someone else's dc IYSWIM.

museumum · 03/06/2022 10:39

I never really “wanted children” in the abstract. I certainly had no biological yearning. But at 35 and specifically with my dh we decided we did want to try for a baby. Still open minded about a second for 3-4 years after but never felt strongly enough to try again. We are very happy in our family of 3.