Can men really be that "unbothered" about whether they have kids?

[denim321]

I'm 40, divorced and have one Dd. Apart from the potential issues with fertility at my age, I have underlying medical conditions that make pregnancy high risk (for both me & any potential baby). I absolutely love being a mum and an ideal world would love more but have accepted it's not going to happen and im more than happy with my amazing Dd.

Had an absolutely disastrous time dating but for the 1st time in 6 years I've found someone I really click with and am starting to fall for.

However, he (also 40) doesn't have any dc. Very early on brought up the fact that I can't/won't be having anymore kids. I also asked if he wanted kids after the first month or so as wasn't wanting us to waste each other's time. His answer was "never say never but it's not something he feels strongly about" he also said he had never met anyone he seen a future with to the extent that he wanted to get married or have kids.

As things are progressing and I'm falling for him more, this is the one boggling doubt at the back of my head.

He just seemed so laid back and nonchalant about it. Before I had my Dd I had what I can only describe as an overwhelming yearning for a child. Conversely, I have friends who absolutely don't want kids - more than fair enough.

It's the "never say never" that's thrown me a bit as I thought most people would have strong feelings one way or another?

DH does, and doesn't have those issues.

I don't want children. My DH isn't bothered. If I changed my mind and said I think I might want one he'd agree. He'd like to enjoy some of the magical bits but he knows the tough parts and accepts they'd mostly fall to me so it's not something he feels strongly about.

I'm a solo mother by choice and had my son via IVF and sperm donation.

I very much wanted a child (ren) however years of dating including a marriage didn't result in a family so aged 39 I ended up going it alone and am so grateful that I did and that I was very fortunate the treatment worked. I would have been really bitter and resentful if I hadn't had the opportunity to be a parent.

I wouldn't be without my son. It is a different type of love and dynamic to loving a partner but still romantic relationships aren't alway forever unfortunately.

I'd consider dating again but dating someone who never wanted children would feel odd now, how would they understand that they will never be my number 1 priority? I think the relationship would suffer inevitably.

I have a Dh that supposedly wanted kids, never acted like it and still doesn't seem keen on them now we have two kids. Although I've never seen someone so devastated when I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks between the 2 Dc. And when Ds had an operation he was in bits. So I suppose it depends on the person and how they present their feelings. Who knows what is going on in his mind.

I have a male friend who is always desperate to have kids and he seems to meet equally ready women. He's on the third one now, as the relationships don't last once the baby arrives. He's also very religious and it all doesn't make a lot of sense, as he's quite preachy.

It's not just men. I wasn't actually that bothered either. Obviously, now that we do have DS, we'd not be without him, but if we'd not had him, I'm pretty sure we'd have had a happy/fulfilled life in other ways as we'd been together 15 year before I got pregnant, so had our own careers, interests, hobbies etc. Getting pregnant/having a child was never something we were obsessed about and if I couldn't have got pregnant naturally, we certainly wouldn't have been trying alternatives such as IVF, adoption, etc. We were very nonchalent about the whole thing really and adopted an "if it happens, it happens" approach. We're glad and forever grateful it did happen, but we wouldn't be crying into our corn flakes if it hadn't!

@Anthurium

how would they understand that they will never be my number 1 priority?

Surely that's the case for anyone with their own children regardless of future partners and whether they want kids or not. Your own children will always come first, ahead of their father, ahead of future partners. Only equalled by future children you have.

In my experience I've never been with a man who wanted kids. And most were 30+, while I was much younger. My own mum was only 15 when she had me and my dad was in his late 30s (yuck) and he never wanted kids, left when I was 2. He's now settled with a wife and daughter and has nothing to do with me. Alot of the men who told me they never wanted kids have also settled now with someone they're happy with. So I'm guessing it was a me problem

I've got a few male friends who were in the "well, kids might be nice but I've not got my heart set on it". A couple have gone on to meet the right woman and have a family. A couple have met and married women who didn't want kids. All of them are happy with how things have turned out. I think there's less of a biological urge with men than women sometimes.

As a young man my Dh always insisted to his friends that he would never have children. In his first marriage he had the same view, no desire for kids at all. Then after his divorce he met me - and was suddenly very keen on having a child! Our ds is 13 now and Dh adores being a dad.

His friends couldn’t believe the total u turn!

I don't think it's usually personal with men. Women make it out to be. But I don't think it is. I think men will have kids when they want to have kids.

"Maybe I'm cynical. Personally, I've never wanted kids, and struggle to imagine how anyone can be "unbothered" about such a life altering decision"
Nope, I'm totally and utterly "unbothered" either way.

I have a kid, they were unplanned. I wasn’t bothered either way, but decided to go with it when it happened. If it hadn’t happened, I probably wouldn’t have had one. I’ve never been broody for kids or felt a yearning to have anymore. Love the one I have, life would have been fine without kids. I don’t think it’s just a man thing, but I think it’s common for men to be able to be more explicit about that, society tells us we should want them as women, and to be very much not bothered is not talked about.

also people assume that if you have had one, then you must have planned or been broody for it. I just decided why not!

I think there's probably a fair proportion of men who really aren't particularly bothered one way or the other.

To be honest, I'm in the same boat, no dc at the moment, and no plans at the moment as I'm not fussed either way, partly because they are a huge investment and it's not always guaranteed that you will gain a good return on investment, based on how they turn out, even with good parenting etc,

My dh was incredibly practical about it.

I already had dc who were half time with us.

His thoughts were about him, us (as a couple), us (as a family) and how it would affect us all. All the pros and cons.

He was logical. There was no hormonal or emotional drive towards "I need a child of my own".