How much slack to cut bereaved DH

[Olinguita]

DH lost a parent he was very close to just a month after DC 1 (9months) was born. Parent was in their late 80s and he didn't get a chance to say goodbye due to COVID travel restrictions in his home country. Just an awful, awful situation all round. I cut him a lot of slack with parenting as he was in a really bad way with his grief and was barely able to function. He could just about manage a day's work and then coming home and making dinner, so I didn't get much help in the evenings apart from maybe him holding the baby while I showered. He couldn't handle the baby crying and took a long time to bond. As a result he hasn't been very hands on - never done a bathtime mealtime, can't settle the baby and I do all the nights unless there has been an absolutely horrific night and I needed backup/someone to make me a cup of tea at 3am. He has never looked after the baby for more than about two hours at a stretch. he keeps saying he wants to do more, but when i come to ask him to have a go at, say, feeding the baby his lunch, he says he is not in the right headspace or he is having a bad day. I strongly suspect he is depressed but he won't get help. I have encouraged him to seek help, to spend time with friends and to pursue a hobby which I know has been good for his mental health (but which takes up a whole weekend day plus evening socialising... not ideal when you have a baby but I let it go because he has been in such a bad way and I was desperate to find a way to help him out of this rut). We are nine months in now and I'm starting to wonder if this situation has gone on for too long. The grief of losing a parent must be earth-shattering but at the same time we need to move ahead as a family. And I need a break, because I'm knackered! We have ended up with a really imbalanced family dynamic as a result of this bereavement and I would really like to turn it around. Do I just have to let the grief run its course? This is what DH seems to think is the correct course of action.... Am I a b*tch for getting a bit fed up of this?

Either his grief has turned into depression or he’s taking the piss. I’d ask him to see his GP and request bereavement counselling - he may be able to get this via his employer’s occupational health service.
I’d sit down and tell him how you feel. Point out that you understand that he’s still grieving but now he needs to do his bit as a father, and you expect him to share the feeding / bedtimes / night times moving forward.

My husband lost a parent at the beginning of my pregnancy and I also suspect he was depressed for a couple of years (dc now 5). That didn't stop him bonding with the baby though, for him it manifested more as being a bit withdrawn at times and not finding joy in the things he usually would. I think he went through a phase of feeling lost (as he had already lost his father) and not knowing what life was about.

Ofcourse people grieve differently and I'm not saying your partner is not grieving - grieving is a lifetime thing and not just a set time period. But he does need to get more involved in family life. Can you try explaining it to him in a way that he needs to provide to his child what his parent provided for him? Eg love, close bond etc

If he is refusing to go to the doctors I am not sure what you can realistically do. Maybe speak to one of his friends and ask him to have a word? If you feel you could.

Aside from that maybe you need to throw him in the deep end a bit more and take yourself off for a nap / coffee shop visit etc and build it up slowly

I'm sorry you are so knackered, parenting takes it's toll anyway when two parents are fully involved.

My dad died by suicide last year very suddenly, and I had a 6 month old baby and was the one on maternity leave. For about 24 hours I could barely function and we had to travel to where my dad had been living so my husband took a week or so off work and was the main carer for our baby whilst I sorted things out to do with my dad's death (funeral/solicitors/inquest stuff) But beyond that I had to care for my son as my husband had to work. At times it's been difficult but ultimately caring for my son has been a ray of sunshine in a very dark and difficult time.

So although I empathise with your DH, losing a parent suddenly without being able to say goodbye is horrendous, but he can't just opt out of parenting!

You sound so lovely and supportive and that on top of becoming a parent must have been tough on you too.
sit him down and tell him he must get some help to move forward, gp, counselling.
tell him he needs to do this in order to make for a better family life. Your dc needs to have time with their dad for their Own relationship to bond and enable you to have a little time to yourself. We all need this.
can you plan an afternoon with friends meaning he has the baby for longer than 2 hours?

YANBU. I lost my mum 2 years ago in the middle of the first lockdown. She was shielding so I wasn’t able to see her. She was very young, mid 50s.
I was very low for a while after, developed health anxiety, had to take some time off work.
Not once did it affect my ability to parent my children. I had counselling which helped me.
Sounds to me like he’s using his grief as an excuse to avoid parenting.

DH lost a parent very late into my first pregnancy. He said it gave him focus and he understood life goes on and he needed to get on with things.

Ive just watched a friends husband use his parents long term illness and death to totally check out of all aspects of marriage/parenting he’s chosen. Personally I think she should have had a word.

Yeah, he needs to step up. I lost my husband and the bottom fell out of my world but I still cared for my daughter. In fact the only night I didn’t do her bath and bedtime routine was the day he died. I have every sympathy for your husband’s grief but parenting his child should be his priority. I don’t believe in medicalising grief - it absolutely can and will impact him 9 months in - but if it is leaving him unable to function he should seek help - but given he’s managing to work and socialise, I suspect that’s not the case.

Part of grieving is recovery, rebuilding, integrating your memories into your life and just putting one foot in front of the other.

At the beginning, grief is so overwhelming often you can't do much else than wallow and experience pain.

But grief develops and you shouldn't be at the same point of grieving at day 500 as you are on day 1. Either he is depressed and needs some help or he is taking the piss.

It's the having to do the jobs of daily life, like parenting, that get you better. It's concerning he can do fun jobs like his hobby but not bathtime.

9 months is not a hugely long time in terms of grieving but it is long enough that it's fair for you to get him more involved in parenting - the more he feels he hasn't the headspace and avoids it, the more he will still feel like that as he won't have any confidence so he needs a bit of throwing in the deep end/realising other people have big emotions and need support as well.

Re your comment
"I have encouraged him to seek help, to spend time with friends and to pursue a hobby which I know has been good for his mental health (but which takes up a whole weekend day plus evening socialising... not ideal when you have a baby but I let it go because he has been in such a bad way and I was desperate to find a way to help him out of this rut)".

And how has he got on with the above, I ask only as there is no further reference made to this. Did he grab your suggestion with both hands?. And where's your own time here for your own socialising/friends?. He won't seek professional help or grief counselling unless he decides he wants it which he does not. You gave him what he may have gone onto see for himself as an opt out from family life. If you do it all he does not have to step up in any way and he can additionally use his parents death as a reason not to because he is still grieving.

"Do I just have to let the grief run its course? This is what DH seems to think is the correct course of action.... Am I a b*tch for getting a bit fed up of this?"

Interesting he thinks this. It sounds like he's now taking the mickey and its very disrespectful to you and his child. And what happens to you and your child if/when you go under due to the strain?.

YANBU. I lost my Dad 9 months ago, when my son was 13 months old. I carried on with parenting, but it totally ballsed up my return to work, and I ended up taking nearly 4 months off as I couldn't cope. Basically, something had to give. I went to the GP and got the meds I needed, did some counselling, and now I'm on a phased return to work.

Your DH needs to get help. He's not living a full life. If it was the other way round and he was parenting but not able to work, he'd need a plan to get back into work. What he needs now is a plan to get back into parenting. He does sound depressed - it's very common after a bereavement - and he has to get his life back on track. Grief never stops, it just becomes a bit easier to live with, but it doesn't sound like that's happening, which it needs to at this point.

Good luck, I hope he gets help and becomes more of a parenting partner

My husband died, the next day I got
up and did the school run and every other household chore that needed to be done.
four years on I’m still doing it. If his grief is
that bad he needs to see a doctor.

It's really not ok to leave you to struggle.

I feel for him - I lost a parent very suddenly in awful circumstances. I think I was depressed & frankly angry for a long time and had day to day struggles with my emotions. But I had a baby in & out of hospital and a toddler at home and they needed me.

Looking back I don't think I was a great parent but I plodded on. Actually I found the rhythm of family life can be quite helpful when you are feeling lost.

He needs to contact Cruse or similar and begin some therapy to help him explore & manage his feelings.

There may well still be periods which are more difficult than others but understanding them and sharing them with you will make a difference.

My husbands dad died suddenly 3 years ago. I was extremely close to his dad so I was grieving too but husband didn't get to opt out of parenting, it was over the Xmas holidays and children were off school for a month and I had to work. He had to get on with it. I think you have been very sympathetic but he has had to option to opt out of parenting because you have been there, I think it's time to toughen up and tell him you and your child expect more from him

He needs help - he will always grieve - it doesn't go bu

Sorry OP but he is taking the piss. I'm not saying he's not grieving, losing a parent is my biggest fear. But he's also a father, his beloved parent had good innings and I'm sure he / she wouldn't want their son to carry on like this forever. He has a child to be responsible for, time to start kicking.

I'd have a bit more understanding if you were expecting him to go partying every weekend, but what you're asking him to do is normal parenting, life in fact. Feeding the baby, putting them to bed etc should be looked at the same as doing the dishes, putting the bins out etc, just something that needs to be done, that he has equal responsibility for. He can't say he's grieving too badly to watch his own child for a couple of hours, but be able to go out socialising with friends.

Of course losing a parent must be devastating, and I'd have the utmost sympathy for him not having been able to see the parent before they died, but it does sound a little like a convenient excuse.

Sorry - cut me off mid post.
He will always grieve but he needs help to build his life around the grief. I lost my dad and son last year - I have good and bad days but having another child who needs me pushes me to keep going. I have had a lot of support from a specialist grief charity and completed a Grief Recovery Programme - it does stop me feeling sad but helps the pain of grief. If you think he is depressed start with Gp then look at support organisations. Rather than focus immediately on him helping more I would say him getting help is the first nonegotional task he needs to do.

I understand what your DH is going through. I would tell him that grief never ends, you have to find a way to deal with it. Opting out of parenting isn't the way.

Finding your feet as a parent, when you have lost a parent, is incredibly tough. Every situation is doubly loaded with the fact your parent is gone, and now you have to be a parent, but you don't have your own.

I highly recommend Cruse for bereavement counselling.

For you OP, I recommend building up your network outside of your marriage. Friends can help you feel understood and supported whilst your DH can't. Then assert some of your needs and boundaries. Your DH will frankly have to step up at some points. My advice is start with the practical, its less emotional to be the one clearing up from dinner, than the one snuggling and reading the bedtime story. Get DH to take DC on errands rather than 'bonding' experiences. I.e.Take the baby when he goes to the shop rather than 'go and make memories at the park'.

Lots of love and best wishes to you OP.

If hs grief has brought on depression, then he should seek help because this level of opting out is not okay. I am also interested in whether now, 9 months on, he's able to do the hobbies and other things you've mentioned or if he's also resisting them? If the former, then really, he's just taking the piss. If the latter, then I'd say that he really does need to seek help for depression and/or grief counselling.

When I lost my mum unexpectedly, the support Dh gave me was practical, especially in the beginning. But more emotional. He accepted that I wasn't going to be the life and soul of the party, that I might be subdued etc. But he certainly didn't have to deal with me completely opting out of my responsibilities.

I lost my darling mum when my dd was 15 weeks old. I found dd gave me a purpose to keep going. I fully believe she saved me from becoming completely overwhelmed with grief.
Could your DH now be a little frightened about not doing things correctly? A viscous circle because he will only get more confident if he does more.
I think you need to have a chat and tell him you need more support. Take it from there.

This^ my dad died leaving my mother with four young children. She had to get on with it, there wasn't an alternative, she couldn't declare she wasn't in the right headspace and go out to her hobby. He's taking the piss now. He agrees to get help or he steps up, but the pity party is over.

Grief at losing a parent is universal-it happens to us all. Unless the child dies before the parent which is unimaginable grief. It’s time for him to be part of his family, whatever he’s feeling. And time for him to be a father to his own child. I feel a lot of sympathy for you-no one wants to be the bad guy and give him a kick up the ass. But he’ll ruin his marriage and family if this continues. Do you have a kind relative who could maybe speak to him?

Your DH has used the "opting out of parenting" approach to dealing with his grief for 8 months now; it's not been very successful has it? (For either him, you or your child).

I suggest you explain that as this approach is so clearly not working, he needs to try a new one I.E. opting in and actually becoming a parent to his child.

This is not a punishment, or even to help you, but to help himself. Keeping busy, realising that life continues and sharing joyous moments with your child can all be very beneficial in helping the grieving process, so he should give that a try.

My mum died when l was 30 weeks pregnant. I had to get on with it.

When dh died in his 40s I was devastated. But I did just have to get on with parenting. I had no other option.