How much slack to cut bereaved DH

[Olinguita]

DH lost a parent he was very close to just a month after DC 1 (9months) was born. Parent was in their late 80s and he didn't get a chance to say goodbye due to COVID travel restrictions in his home country. Just an awful, awful situation all round. I cut him a lot of slack with parenting as he was in a really bad way with his grief and was barely able to function. He could just about manage a day's work and then coming home and making dinner, so I didn't get much help in the evenings apart from maybe him holding the baby while I showered. He couldn't handle the baby crying and took a long time to bond. As a result he hasn't been very hands on - never done a bathtime mealtime, can't settle the baby and I do all the nights unless there has been an absolutely horrific night and I needed backup/someone to make me a cup of tea at 3am. He has never looked after the baby for more than about two hours at a stretch. he keeps saying he wants to do more, but when i come to ask him to have a go at, say, feeding the baby his lunch, he says he is not in the right headspace or he is having a bad day. I strongly suspect he is depressed but he won't get help. I have encouraged him to seek help, to spend time with friends and to pursue a hobby which I know has been good for his mental health (but which takes up a whole weekend day plus evening socialising... not ideal when you have a baby but I let it go because he has been in such a bad way and I was desperate to find a way to help him out of this rut). We are nine months in now and I'm starting to wonder if this situation has gone on for too long. The grief of losing a parent must be earth-shattering but at the same time we need to move ahead as a family. And I need a break, because I'm knackered! We have ended up with a really imbalanced family dynamic as a result of this bereavement and I would really like to turn it around. Do I just have to let the grief run its course? This is what DH seems to think is the correct course of action.... Am I a b*tch for getting a bit fed up of this?

I think very few people are questioning that the guy is depressed, what they are saying is he has a responsibility to go and get help with that, as he has a responsibly to his wife and children.

@Luredbyapomegranate but it is hard to get help at the time I think, when you are so low. Of course he has a responsibility to his DW, I'm prob not so much answering OP as responding to other comments. But hands up, I didn't get help. I didn't do all the parenting I should have, in the way I should have.

But he is doing barely any.There’s a huge difference between someone struggling and not doing as much as they should and someone opting out completely.

I can sympathise with your DH. My mum died 7 months ago from cancer and I feel I have barely moved on since day 1. She was only 70 though and I would like to think that if she had been late 80s (the sort of age I always hoped she would be) that I would have accepted it and moved forward more easily. That said, grief affects everyone in different ways, especially when there is something like guilt involved, and I don’t think you can put a time limit on it. He is doing better than me just by going to work. I have still not managed to return and even walked out of a new job after 4 hours last week because I thought I couldn’t cope, so grief can have a significant effect on your mental well-being. However, I do think he should try and help you a bit more round the house etc. I don’t have kids, but have my elderly dad to care for, so have been forced to carry on with the household chores, shopping etc. since day 1. We also had mum’s probate to deal with, but I am struggling to return to work as I said.

I did however reach out early to my GP asking for some medication to try and help me and had some short term bereavement counselling, which I am considering carrying on with privately once I am finally back at work. Although it has not helped a great deal so far, at least it is a start, so I do think you should try and encourage your DH to do this. Even talking to you or someone else about how he feels may help a little. I have also found online bereavement forums have helped - talking to people who have been through the same thing - which is something else you could suggest.

What I would say though is that although it must be frustrating, try not to get angry with him, as this will probably just make him feel worse, as well as guilty for not yet coming to terms with it. I have found myself that people are now starting to lose sympathy/understanding and it makes you feel very lonely and misunderstood. Don’t know if he has siblings, but I don’t and I think this also makes things harder because there is no one who understands exactly how you are feeling.

So not really sure what else to advise, as I am yet to find the answer myself, but hope you find some of the suggestions on here helpful and wish you the best of luck.

but this husband is going to work, so supporting his family financially, which gives his wife the time to devote to the baby.
he also cooks dinner every evening when he comes home from work.
how much hands-on baby care was he doing in the first month, before his parent died.
maybe he never envisaged doing that anyway. maybe he sees it as the mother's province; not because he is lazy or a deadbeat, but because like many men, he knows little about it and cannot see a gradual way in.
is there another way that OP can get help with childcare.
As to choosing furniture, i can well see that that might seem utterly trivial and unimportant in the scheme of things. would he go to family counselling, so you can both talk about how you are, compromise on priorities.
good luck.

OP,

You have been very patient but he is taking the complete piss.

Of course he is grieving as is normal, but opting out of family life and his new child while being well able for his hobbies is just plain old taking the piss.

Grief can easily go on for a couple of years, but he doesn't get to opt out of his childs life.

You badly need to arrange time away regularly.

He has chosen not to bond with his child.

I would not be tolerating this any longer.

Just wanted to come back and say that things have got a little bit better. I left the baby with DH for five hours over the weekend while I went to meet friends in the daytime, and he coped fine! He has been doing a few mealtimes with the baby and has taken the baby on plenty of buggy walks. So finally I have had a break! He spends a lot of time supporting his grieving mum who is in her 60s. I get that she needs him right now but she commands a lot of his time and attention and he is sometimes so stressed out with dealing with her that he ends up in a bad mood with me and then has little energy left for the baby.
But we are going in the right direction.... finally.... It's just been so saddening and frustrating to see that he views the bereavement as the big, defining event in his life right now rather than being a father himself, which feels completely secondary. It will be hard for me to move past how much it hurt on those days when it felt like he was treating the baby as if it were some hobby or vanity project of mine that I was taking time out of my career to pursue, rather than an actual human we are raising jointly.

I'm glad to hear that things are getting a bit better op, but I can understand that you are really upset about his attitude towards the baby. My exh was similar in his attitude towards our child (although for different reasons) and I don't think I ever completely got over my feelings of resentment and disappointment towards him.

Talk to your dh about how you feel if you haven't already. Of course he wants to support his mother, but his first priorities should be you and his baby.