How much slack to cut bereaved DH

[Olinguita]

DH lost a parent he was very close to just a month after DC 1 (9months) was born. Parent was in their late 80s and he didn't get a chance to say goodbye due to COVID travel restrictions in his home country. Just an awful, awful situation all round. I cut him a lot of slack with parenting as he was in a really bad way with his grief and was barely able to function. He could just about manage a day's work and then coming home and making dinner, so I didn't get much help in the evenings apart from maybe him holding the baby while I showered. He couldn't handle the baby crying and took a long time to bond. As a result he hasn't been very hands on - never done a bathtime mealtime, can't settle the baby and I do all the nights unless there has been an absolutely horrific night and I needed backup/someone to make me a cup of tea at 3am. He has never looked after the baby for more than about two hours at a stretch. he keeps saying he wants to do more, but when i come to ask him to have a go at, say, feeding the baby his lunch, he says he is not in the right headspace or he is having a bad day. I strongly suspect he is depressed but he won't get help. I have encouraged him to seek help, to spend time with friends and to pursue a hobby which I know has been good for his mental health (but which takes up a whole weekend day plus evening socialising... not ideal when you have a baby but I let it go because he has been in such a bad way and I was desperate to find a way to help him out of this rut). We are nine months in now and I'm starting to wonder if this situation has gone on for too long. The grief of losing a parent must be earth-shattering but at the same time we need to move ahead as a family. And I need a break, because I'm knackered! We have ended up with a really imbalanced family dynamic as a result of this bereavement and I would really like to turn it around. Do I just have to let the grief run its course? This is what DH seems to think is the correct course of action.... Am I a b*tch for getting a bit fed up of this?

Thank you all so much for the thoughtful replies and for sharing your own experiences.
This is making me realise that our family situation is starting to become quite dysfunctional and I need to toughen up and give DH a kick up the backside because otherwise I'm just enabling him.
He says his grief is so bad he can't make basic decisions relating to family life - even making a plan for a weekend, decluttering or helping me choose new furniture that we have been meaning to buy for ages is beyond him. Nine months on I'm realising, based on some of your responses, that this is starting to take the absolute piss.
Yes, he is functioning enough to pursue his hobby. He has done some grief counseling in a group but the main takeaway from that was that people who haven't lost a parent can't understand what it is like, and that they often fudge their responses by saying the wrong thing or making empty gestures. I mean, I can totally see that there is truth in that and I've probably been guilty of bungling my response to bereaved friends and family, but the course didn't seem to give him any tools to cope with the day to day or to help him move forward and I felt a bit disappointed about that.
To his credit he does cook dinner every single night so it's not like he is totally useless, but he very much gets to pick and choose what bits of family life he engages with, and I often feel like I'm walking on eggshells. Maybe he is finding the reality of life with a baby rather grim and is using grief as an opt out

Exactly, and losing your husband at a (presumably) early age is far worse than an elderly parent dying. His parent was late 80s, so hardly unexpected that they were probably not going to be around for another 30 years. I would have expected him to be getting on with normal life after a few days ( not saying he wouldn't be still grieving, but the grief shouldn't rule the whole family's life).

And this involves decision making I assume? Any hobby will still involve decision making - organising lifts to a match, planning a route for a ride, deciding on and ordering supplies etc etc etc. Amazing how decisions are only difficult when it's stuff to do with home life.

It may well be that his grief is huge and causing problems. But it's not an excuse. And I agree with you - he needs tools to cope if he's not managing to do so.

The truth is it sounds like he would probably have behaved this way once baby came along anyway - the grief is just a reason to make it so that you can't complain.

I'm sorry to hear things are so difficult.

I think he's just got into bad habits, as we all do. They start off a coping mechanism, and eventually get set in stone. Something like this might help?

jamesclear.com/habits

One of my parents died a few months ago.

Covid significantly contributed to their death; they should have had years more than they did.

I had 2 weeks off work, a further day for the funeral. My husband stepped in with a lot of parenting and housework in that initial period, but hardly all of it. Both of our children have disabilities and additional needs - it’s just not feasible for him to do everything, they actively want and need me because they’re old enough to understand what’s happened, and notice what’s going on.

He’s had the luxury of you making space for him to grieve in whatever way he chooses and letting that grief take up as much space as he chooses without any particular obligation to you or your child. That needs to stop now before permanent damage is done to your marriage and his relationship with your child.

My DF died when my DD was 12 weeks old, I had to get on with things. My DH was working and I had a 2 other small children. Life dosnt stop if someone dies. I agree with others he needs to see a gp if he’s not coping by now. You have cut him a lot of slack it’s time to stop.

A friend of mines husband died completely unexpectedly when she was 35 weeks pregnant. It was utterly utterly horrific but she had her baby and got on with being a parent - what else was she going to do?

I have every sympathy for your husband but a parent dying in their 80s can't have come as a huge bolt out of the blue and although the circumstances were awful with restrictions etc, frankly, did he think they were going to live forever? If we are lucky we outlive our parents, and if we are luckier they get to a 'good' age. I understand it's a terrible loss but I think he's either very depressed now or using it as an excuse. 'Not in the right headspace' to feed a baby, his baby, some lunch?

You've been very supportive and understanding but he needs to step up now, for your child's sake.

Me to, opting out was not an option and if he is well enough to peruse his hobby then he is well enough to parent

DH was floored when his Dad died. He was in his 80s but they'd only really had a relationship in the last 6 years of his Dad's life mainly due to his stepmother. I did cut him a huge amount of slack at the time, but he still carried on helping carry the load at home. In fact, he said that menial tasks kept him sane.

I think you sound really kind and thoughful, OP, and that's been a bit taken advantage. He really needs to bond with his child, and that means you stepping back and handing some of the load over whether he wants it or not.

His parent dying in their late 80s is a natural part of life. Opting out of bonding and looking after your own child is ridiculous. Especially if he can do his hobby for a whole weekend.
Maybe you should leave him with the baby and get your own hobby.

I think you have been extremely patient and understanding OP but he needs to sort this out. My Dad died fairly young- he was 63 (cancer) - my mum, sister and myself sat with him while he died at home. At the time DS was 2 years old so I had to travel to be with them - only about 1.5 hrs away by car. I stayed for a few days. DH stepped up (his work were amazing about it to be fair) so he with the help of MIL kept things going at home.
I was devastated when he died - but crucially the thing that kept me going was being back home with 2 yr old DS and DH - I wanted to do bathtime etc as soon as I got home despite everything else. What I did not want to do were socialising/hobbies! I did not have the headspace for it. I know everyone reacts differently but it sounds like he is making excuses to me.

I think people saying that parents dying when old is normal and natural don't really understand the grief that comes with losing a parent (assuming you have a half way decent relationship).

Having said that, it's no excuse to simply stop doing everything else. I lost my mother very unexpectedly, while I was pregnant with DC2. The one thing I found any joy in was my DS and, once she was born, DD. I didn't particularly feel like doing fun things and I had very little in the way of light chat for a long time. But I cared for my children, engaged with my extended family and friends and cried because my DD was so beautiful and amazing and my mum would never meet her.

If he can't do any of this, and sees no light at all after 9 months, he needs much more intervention in terms of grief counselling.

Forget suggesting hobbies to distract him, he won’t be in the right place for that just now. But do tell him that you feel concerned that he isn’t developing a relationship and bond with his child. In fact, I would be tempted to go out for a short period of time when he gets in from work in the evenings so that he has no choice but to care for his baby himself for a little while. His grief will still be very raw right now but he will eventually realise that he can’t allow it to affect the way he raises his child.

He says his grief is so bad he can't make basic decisions relating to family life - even making a plan for a weekend, decluttering or helping me choose new furniture that we have been meaning to buy for ages is beyond him.

That sounds exactly like depression. Not being able to make decisions is a classic symptom. I always know when my mental health is slipping when I begin to feel this way. He would probably hugely benefit from talking to someone about this and maybe trying antidepressants.

Sounds like depression - It sounds like he is no longer seeing you as a person, just a function.

It's awful to lose a parent and you can't put a limit on grief - but you can grieve while also carrying on with the rest of your life. People who lose their partners - or one of their children - do it all the time. So the issue is depression, not grieve. There may also be an element of him being selfish - and you will be able to tell that if he doesn't engage with a solution.

If I were you, I would tackle it by pointing out why this situation is breaking you and your family, and that while you can see he's in a bad way, something has to change because this simply cannot continue.

First step is seeing the GP, it sounds like medication is vital to start getting out of the fog. This needs to happen alongside therapy, which you should pay for if you possibly can to get it as quickly as possible - he might need to try different sorts. You will also need to agree jointly how he gradually takes on more tasks. You might need some professional help to manage your relationship back to a normal place.

I am sure it will come good, but put in a 6 month review. You absolutely cannot live like this long term.

His parent was late 80s. Hardly unexpected and very different from some of the devastating experiences people are sharing here. He needs to sort himself out and get a grip. If he can't cope then he needs professional help. A very elderly parent dying is normal life and should not have provoked such a reaction.

i think he is genuinely grieving and is deeply affected by that.
but added to that, he probably is shocked at the all-emcompassing nature of having a baby to look after.
did you discuss roles and responsibilities before having the baby.
what is his own growing-up experience of fathers' role with babies.
does he come from a place/culture where it is usually the mother's role. many men feel left out or unskilled in how to handle a baby. they may fear doing harm, doing it wrong, not matching your standards, being criticised for failing.
do you have any other family support. can anyone babysit while you have a break.
don't expect too much of him.
he may become more involved as the child becomes more rational. so he can converse.

Sorry, this might be a more helpful link (if it works)!

smile.amazon.co.uk/Atomic-Habits-Proven-Build-Break/dp/B07J1XQSNK/ref=sr_1_1?crid=11DWYOKIUVPCB&keywords=james+clear+habits&qid=1654199496&sprefix=james+clear+habits%2Caps%2C128&sr=8-1

saying someone should not be so affected by an elderly parent dying, is just stupid.

My 57 year old mother died unexpectedly exactly 1 week after I gave birth and I just had to crack on and get on with it
I'm afraid 9 months after losing an elderly parent and he seems to pick and choose which aspects of life this impacts just sounds like he is using it as a pretty poor excuse to get out of his least favourite tasks

You have the patience of a Saint by my reckoning

Why is it stupid? Do you seriously think it is reasonable to not parent your child properly because one of your parents died? Yes, it's sad, but life goes on, and if he is that affected 9 months after the death, that he is unable to function, then he should seek help.

I'm with @alexdgr8, I find those comments completely off. I lost my DM, age 75, when my daughters were little. I really struggled, I half wasn't there really for at least two years. My DH was amazing. Reading this, I can recognise that my loss was 'less awful' in terms of age etc, but it still caused me to become depressed. Maybe some people are more resilient, but those comments are just odd, like trying to make some sort of strange point that I don't really get.

It's always going to different for everyone and I am trying not to write this post to stick the boot in but

When my son was three weeks old my dad died. I was very sad and their was stuff to et done etc.

But I had a tiny baby who needed me and that had to come first. My son was my priority nothing else..

So maybe he now needs a bit of a shake or it something more profound such as being depressed and needs to consider getting help

Op my mum died 6 months ago. In fact 6 months ago today. Very suddenly at 66.

you can not just opt out of parenting, because you are grieving. He isn’t doing anything.

I recognised that I was sinking and I pursued actual help. I started bereavement counselling this week.

I know my temper is a bit short, since mum died. I feel more stressed etc. but I am still a mother. It’s really hard and he does have some of my sympathy. But he needs to be doing what he can to get better.

I can honestly say that you don’t get it until it happens. And yes, sometimes people say the wrong thing. But it sounds like he is throwing that at you so you can’t challenge any of his behaviour at all. That’s not ok.