DH lending savings to BIL behind my back

[Honeypup]

So it’s nearly 2am and I can not sleep because I am still fuming about. Situation I found out about a month ago.
myself & DH have savings, not a huge amount by any means but money is hard to come back even with both of us working. We private rent and so the savings are for the purpose of a deposit for a house and our three kids.
DH brother has a mortgage with his partner and children , I knew previously that he would regularly (twice a week min once) ask DH for money over text /phone small amounts to see him through the working week.
However around a year ago the mother called DH and said I n ow I shouldn’t ask but could you lend brother a thousand out of savings. (My DH seems to be the one always asked for money ) needles to say this caused lots of arguments between myself and DH , I expressed it was too much (apparently bil was in a lot of debt and this thongs and would sort all his woes out) I made it clear I did not think it was okay. My DH said he felt he had no way of saying no as the family know we have savings and how much, we agreed on this occasion yes but NEVER again.

less then a year later I ask partner if I can look at the savings, only he has the account and I kept being put off, so one evening I said let me see and I was in the end told NO. We had five nights of screaming matches I felt like I had caught him out cheating… just SHOW ME the account. It came out after it nearly breaking our family up… look I’m sorry I lent BIL another thousand behind your back. I told BIL it was behind your back as you would not agree and so I need it back asap possible no later the 2 months. I was told about this six months later .. I said okay so how much has been paid back……… nothing, not a penny.

so I messaged the partner (who I am very close with we speak regularly about all sorts include domestics with our own partners) I said I am so angry I can’t believe I have just found out the above.

since then the BIL does not speak to my DH who has been a wreck with the communication being cut - he has reached saying this is really hurting him and he has been told he will not be speaking to him until he is able to pay it all back as he feel so embarrassed by the message. It took him a month to pay anything at all while working, In the last two months we have received two payments.

I just wondered if anyone ever reaches the end of this, whether you make me right in the way I reacted?? At the time I said (we were arguing at the brink of breaking up) we shouldn’t be arguing about this , they should!! My DH even started to put money back in pretending it had been received from BIL .. more argument for us.

This would ve enough for me to leave, your husband doesn't view you both as a team. I would be demanding savings be moved into my own name.

My ex used to do similar eg lend out our money without asking. I left him in the end - I couldn’t take any more lies, I could never trust him.

Both of you work, therefore both of you are contributing to these savings. Why do you not have access to this account? He is giving money, that you saved, to your BIL despite your saying no. This is very wrong.

Your DH is more worried about upsetting his brother than about upsetting you or taking your money without permission. Why?

This is not good.

Your husband stole from you, OP. I would not be able to forgive that.

There needs to be changes. First you should keep the savings in your own account not him in his. Ordinarily I would say joint but clearly your DH cannot resist family pressure. This will help him.

Your DH needs to clearly understand that his immediate family needs to take priority. That is you and the DC. Lay it out for him. Does he want to lose that family?? If not he can never ever put you second again. Make it clear you are willing to walk over this.

No more lending to family members ever. That is the rule. Saving for your own home and your future is your priority and your extended family should be supporting you in this not trying to hold you back. If they have financial problems then they need to deal with them.

And yes I would be absolutely furious

I would need my money going into my savings from here on, and I’d toss my Dh out for not realising he can’t just steal our savings. His brother is an arse, and it’s time he realised that while he still has a hope of having you have his back.

I think you need to be quite forensic here to give your partner a real insight in to the bigger picture here. I would be requesting to go through all financial transactions and all text requests. To add it all up to demonstrate to the mother, sil/bil and your partner actually how much money has gone across to them. If they can’t make it through a week how did they get their mortgage approved? Is he gambling, cheating, spendy? Something is going on and it’s very wrong that you’re seen as the lending pot. Then you can unpack the deceit, lending, hidden savings account issues one by one. But I would not be happy either

Open a 90 day notice account in your name and move all the repayments into there. Your husband is being financially abusive by denying you access to the account. As your dh can't be trusted with the family money, he loses his right to keep it in his name.

Your bil is being manipulative by going nc with your husband, don't fall for it. He thinks your dh is so desperate to rectify the situation with him that he will wipe the debt. It's probably better for your family finances if he doesn't speak to him.

Don't forget that your bil sent his ex round to beg money from your dh, so they both planned it between them. I would be putting boundaries in place because she's not as trustworthy as you think she is.

Thank you everyone that responded ! During one of the many disagreements regarding this I did say that found this a massive betrayal (the fact it had initially been agreed for this to happen behind my back and then to be refused access to view the account ) that I wanted half transferred and to end the relationship. However since then I feel that my DH week was has been taken for kindness here by BIL. He know my DH is soft when it comes to his/ and other extended family requests for money. According to DH on this occasion the bill was telling him for weeks (they speak usually every day) how miserable his financial situation was making him and my DH said he was worried what the BIL might do.
I have witnessed in messages before the BIL asking regularly for money saying he has no money to eat at work.
I am also aware he does have a n issue with gambling and that he actually had to borrow the deposit from my in laws for his house as he had lost a chunk due to his problem. However it is made out this is no longer an issue for him (he has never paid the in-laws back and it can not be openly discussed as his partner does know the extended of him dipping into their savings)

Having read the comments below I know tok agree that the BIL is attempting to manipulate the situation every further by trying to have this repayment wiped via the emotional upset he is causing his brother. My DH said only last night if it was anyone else I would leave and never speak to them again ( I believe if he didn’t appreciate how serious I am about the situation effecting our relationship he would let this go)

The BIL only responded following a missed call two texts and a voicemail left by my DH saying I miss you and your family please don’t just cut me off. How evil for him to then respond saying , sorry but I feel too embarrassed to speak right now until I have paid you back. My DH has been in tears,
t he message was only received yesterday which is way I was so angry and could not sleep.

when I said the mother asked for the thousand before I should of made clear this was actually my mother in law on behalf of her son. The partner who I messaged who I have spoken every day or every other for the past min three years did not respond to my message AT ALL. A week passed and it came up to the half term, we had previously made plans to get the children together so I thought the children know about arrangements I will message to say did they still want to meet up? She message back as normal regarding arrangement, we met up and had a play date as arranged . She did not mention the situation at all to me , nor acknowledged that she had not responded to my message or made contact in over a week. I must admit I didn’t mention because I felt as though this was something she should say?!! I had after all been the one feeling betrayed and stupid.
she was fully away how much I am against the saving being touch, even conversations where I have said DH wanted to use something for a small purchase ( we have a little of cash that gets deposited too) such a takeaway on a weekend I will say do not touch I will run round to atm and get cash out as I know once things starts to get taken out they can snowball and never be topped up. Let me stress she is FULLY aware of this as I have said it many times. The BIL T the time responded to my message but texting his brother saying my integrity has been questioned and by the way my partner knew about the money. I had not ever mentioned what I thought about his partner my friend knowing about it.

we are now seven on from the money being borrowed and we still argue every week as I will ask to see the account to see whether anything has been received, this week and last nothing. Obviously my partner can’t even call to ask when we can expect some money. Knowing how upset he is about his brother I feel bad for keeping the stress going between us but I honestly feel like a dog with a bone about this one, I will keep chasing until every penny is back where that leaves his relationship with his bro and mine with his partner who knows.
I just wanted to see what do people actually think about the partner not mentioning the situation to me at all. Since we met for the half term again there has been a fraction of the contact between us and two weeks went by without anything from her so I thought I would test the water and mention the face half term is coming again did she and the kids fancy a day out again( we have a holiday home ) we seems to respond straight away with a yes and from there the contact is kept. I feel like I too am getting used for this to entertain their children for a day I know what his like having children at home during half term with no plans. So I have backed out as I can’t understand how the BIL can take such a stand against my DH making him honestly miserable yet it is absolutely fine for his family to come to our holiday home for the day and nothing be mentioned at all! I find it rude it has caused and is continuing to cause such upset in our home and it is completely ignored.

Can you afford to write off the money?

If so, I would propose the following to your husband.
He contacts his brother and says all money given to date is now a gift. No need to pay it back. Condition - don't ask for money again.

Also, all savings is held in an account your husband can't access. Temporarily at least. So they know he genuinely has no ability to give money behind your back.

Xpost, sorry. It sounds like that option is one you would not want to consider.

Sadly your husband clearly cares much more about his brother than his brother cares about him. That will be very painful for him to accept

The issue here is your DH not your BIL.
Your DH betrayed you, went behind your back and STOLE from you.
The BIL has a bloody cheek alright but your DH is the ENABLER.

You shouldn't have to ask to see the bank account. You should have full access to this joint savings. And if you cannot trust your DH then you should transfer the money into an account in your name or only allow money to be moved from the account with a two person authorisation

Your SIL is 100% using you for the holiday home. You will be eaten up with bitterness, cut ties until the money is repaid.

They have their own home/mortgage while you rent - on what planet is that fair?

I was used as a cash cow for many years and it took for one incident to happen for me to wise up (I gave €500 towards clothes for my nephew and they rocked up in a brand new car the following week, I felt like a MUG)

I agree that all the money should be under your sole control now and the family can know to avoid DH getting any pressure. This could - should - be done immediately as I think it will help reduce the stress.

But don't write it off. I'd actually get DH to ask his parents for the money and for DB to owe it to them. While it's not the parents' fault, at the end of the day he already owes them money and you need this off your plate.

I know I wouldn't just get over this though. It's a huge betrayal and if DH didn't agree to relinquish control of the account then I'd find it hard to continue, as it would indicate that he wasn't willing to make sure it couldn't happen again. Because just wait a few months and BIL will come back friendly to DH and then ask for cash again. DH won't want to lose him again and off you go...

We definitely can not afford to lose the money , especially with the rise in cost of living only going to continue.

I really feel for my DH in all of this, but I will be completely frank with you, the idea of having the money wiped on condition of never ask to borrow money ever again I honestly do not think this would be honoured. His brother can’t help himself I think him being held accountable for every penny is the biggest lesson here. Also he is starting to show his true colours as painful as this may be for my DH .

If bil is a gambler, he will bankrupt himself, his mother and you guys without a second thought. You need to make your dh understand that. He is willingly putting your dcs' future at risk.
I would insist on the savings account being in joint names with BOTH signatures required for a withdrawal.
If he won't agree, set up second savings account in your name, build up some funds and be ready to leave. You can't be married to someone you can't trust.

Your DH and family are doing his DB no favours in the long run by enabling his overspending.

I totally agree with all of this!!

His brother issue will end our marriage if we make it our problem! I am going to arrange to have the savings moved across to a joint account.

100% meanwhile we are made to believe that the partner has no idea? She is at home with children while he brings in the household income.
I think once again this is a manipulative move so we can not approach discuss repayments on the open.

god I am sorry to hear about that! Nothing worse they feeling like you have had the wool pulled over your eyes by family!!! What a cheek I honestly don’t understand how people behave like that.

Except you can discuss them. He can't stop you.

The partner may not be aware or may not be aware or know the extent of the borrowing.
The loan was between BIL and your DH.
The BIL may have hidden this from her. And God knows what else he has hidden. If he is a gambler he is a liar

Exactly!! Maybe she has changed towards me as she genuinely didn’t know and this has caused them arguments at home?

If you are going to stay you need to go to the bank with DH and open a joint savings accounts which needs both your signatures to withdraw money and transfer all the savings to it.

You need to accept that you can't change the past and its likely the money will never be repaid. If BIL has been getting handouts from DH and not repaying them he never intended to repay this money.
DH may need time to come to that understanding too.
It was a good suggestion to look at what he paid out prior th the big loan to understand how much money he gave BIL.

DH needs to speak to his mum and explain that she needs to understand that the lending stops now as it is a deal breaker in your relationship. That the money has not been paid back and that BIL needs to make a start on the repayments.
This is not likely to result in money being paid back but will prepare the family for the arguments when DH says no in future.

BiL's partner may be in your situation, where BIL is making decisions and spending money without her input. What was the 2k used for, did it benefit their family or was it just for BIL?

I would focus on communicating directly to BIL about getting the money back. BiL is using your and DH's disagreement as a cover for not repaying the money. Unless you know she also has no intension of repaying the money, if you fight with his partner that will be used to make you out to be the "bad" guy. In any conversation (with anyone other than DH) focus on the repayments not how DH gave BIL the money. That way the lack repayment is always the argument not "who said what" when the money was given.

You should have had access to your joint savings from the very beginning
Sort this out now
Or
Split the joint savings & each have your own savings