DH lending savings to BIL behind my back

[Honeypup]

So it’s nearly 2am and I can not sleep because I am still fuming about. Situation I found out about a month ago.
myself & DH have savings, not a huge amount by any means but money is hard to come back even with both of us working. We private rent and so the savings are for the purpose of a deposit for a house and our three kids.
DH brother has a mortgage with his partner and children , I knew previously that he would regularly (twice a week min once) ask DH for money over text /phone small amounts to see him through the working week.
However around a year ago the mother called DH and said I n ow I shouldn’t ask but could you lend brother a thousand out of savings. (My DH seems to be the one always asked for money ) needles to say this caused lots of arguments between myself and DH , I expressed it was too much (apparently bil was in a lot of debt and this thongs and would sort all his woes out) I made it clear I did not think it was okay. My DH said he felt he had no way of saying no as the family know we have savings and how much, we agreed on this occasion yes but NEVER again.

less then a year later I ask partner if I can look at the savings, only he has the account and I kept being put off, so one evening I said let me see and I was in the end told NO. We had five nights of screaming matches I felt like I had caught him out cheating… just SHOW ME the account. It came out after it nearly breaking our family up… look I’m sorry I lent BIL another thousand behind your back. I told BIL it was behind your back as you would not agree and so I need it back asap possible no later the 2 months. I was told about this six months later .. I said okay so how much has been paid back……… nothing, not a penny.

so I messaged the partner (who I am very close with we speak regularly about all sorts include domestics with our own partners) I said I am so angry I can’t believe I have just found out the above.

since then the BIL does not speak to my DH who has been a wreck with the communication being cut - he has reached saying this is really hurting him and he has been told he will not be speaking to him until he is able to pay it all back as he feel so embarrassed by the message. It took him a month to pay anything at all while working, In the last two months we have received two payments.

I just wondered if anyone ever reaches the end of this, whether you make me right in the way I reacted?? At the time I said (we were arguing at the brink of breaking up) we shouldn’t be arguing about this , they should!! My DH even started to put money back in pretending it had been received from BIL .. more argument for us.

Split the saving so you each have your own account. Then he can lend the brother whatever he wants.

Sounds like the BiL still has a gambling problem. I would talk to your SiL about this. You're presuming she's in cahoots with her DH, she might not be. She might not be contacting you as regularly because she's embarrassed and ashamed. Make her your ally and stress how important it is that her DH pays you back.
Definitely take control of the savings and stop discussing your savings /financial situation with the family.

If that we're the case she would have surely been mortified and apologised. I know that that is the approach I would have taken.

Honestly I’d leave over this. Your running to stand still financially because your dh is too weak to stand up to his brother who gambles? Your funding some gambling companies CEO to have a bigger yacht while renting.

It'd be a hard no from me.

Do not split the savings as suggested, it will just end up with your DH having none, and the only savings available will be the monies you have.

You should have a joint account which requires 2 signatures to move money. I too would be bloody furious if my OH did this . I would seriously be considering my options

Op your dp knows what he did was wrong, stealing your money and not allowing you access to the savings account so he will carry on doing it. Your bil is gambling YOUR money away and your husband is giving away your future. The money is for your new home but dh cares nothing for you and your dc future. I am sorry but I would find it very difficult to get past this. Your dh is a thief a liar and as pp has said an enabler. Only you know if you can ever trust him again. I wish you well in making a very difficult decision op

Wow.

What DH did taking the money behind your back and then stalling / being obstructive about letting you see the ac balance is horrendous behaviour. Priority one - as mentioned above, sort out the status of the account and make sure you have full access.

Never tell family your financial position again and never lend money again.

Chase BIL for payments - communicate about nothing else. BIL is a gambler - you are on to hiding to nothing if he is still in active addiction. If he is, he will prioritise the gambling above everything, including family relationships. He is being extremely manipulative, like most addicts are.

SIL - personally i would send one last communication saying that you are sorry things have become awkward but you as a family absolutely need that money back. I would then cut contact because there is no way I could socialise / do playdates without this being resolved. I would literally combust!

I think the kicker for me (apart from the betrayal by your DH) is that you rent and they own. It’s astonishing that they feel entitled to your savings when they are aware of your goal to own your own home.

I also hope that you gave your DH merry hell because honestly his behaviour is fully in “divorceable offence” territory.

Move the remaining savings to a joint account - make sure it’s only accessible if BOTH not EITHER account holder attempts a withdraw too. You can’t trust your DH or his brother here.

I would leave. Imagine if you had an accident tomorrow and were off work for a couple of months. Not to worry, you think, we’ll use the £3K or whatever in account X to tide us over. Not ideal but we can manage.

Except you can’t!!! Because the person you’re supposed to be able to trust most in the world has given it away, thereby threatening your and your family’s financial security. And then to have the tenacity to lie and lie and not tell you about it for weeks/months.

Another hard no from me. Just no. You deserve so much better.

I wouldn't be tolerating keeping the savings in his name only, If your BIL is gambling there is not a cat in hells chance he will be able to repay or that he wont keep borrowing until you have nothing left . It must be miserable for his partner too .

I would transfer all the savings to an account in your name only and refuse him access until
It's paid back in full.

It may actually make him reliese he needs to step up to his family and sort this. Surely they can sell things to pay you back? They must have some money somewhere.

If you want to stay married, read up on co-dependency in families of addicts. Most of the literature is around alcoholics and drug addicts but the behaviour around gambling addiction is exactly the same patterns.

Your dh needs to accept that he has a problem and cannot continue enabling his brother. He needs to stand firm when his mum puts pressure on him to enable the addict.

It's a blessing in disguise that your bil has blocked your dh becsuse this gives him time and space to find out about addiction and how he has been hurting, not helping, his brother (with the best of intentions!)

gamanon.org.uk/
GamAnon may be of help to your dh - it's an organisation which provides support for the families of gambling addicts. There are few physical meetings in the UK but quite a few online ones worldwide.

Addicts have a mental illness and their addiction will lead them to do and say anything to feed it. I would not assume bils partner knows anything about the situation and if you reach out to her honestly you may be able to fill in a lot of missing picture for her. He's no doubt told her a load of bullshit to explain away your message.

If your DH won't engage then you need to take practical steps to safeguard yourself and the children financially. Sadly that may mean ending the marriage if your dh won't recognise his enabling behaviour.

I don't think your husband is weak. I think that he wanted to help his brother and to hell with what you thought/felt. If he was that weak he'd have rolled over and shown you the account. Instead he had the balls to fight/argue with you over a prolonged period re visibility over an account to which you have contributed. Him being obstructive wasn't weakness, he was being sneaky.

In the nicest possible way, you need to take control of the situation. You need equal access to the account,'or your share needs to be transferred to you. If your husband says anything, you can legitimately point out he has broken your trust and that he needs to build that back up. Failure to do this opens you upto losing morel.

BIL is still gambling and as with all addicts he doesn’t care who he hurts.He will bleed anyone and everyone dry
He is being incredibly manipulative saying he won’t speak to your H as he is embarrassed- he bloody should be but he’s clearly not embarrassed enough to actually do anything about it
Your H will be used by him (along with anyone else gullible enough) as long as he let’s him and you will have to decide what/if you can do anything about that.
In the meantime protect your money - your H stole it from you, no matter what he did with it.
As for the brothers partner she’s not to blame, she probably mortified and trying to cope with a man who steals and lets his family go without to fuel his addiction.

I have to agree with this. It will be left up to you to try and put a deposit together for a house.

Meanwhile, your H will be saving to fund his brother's addiction/lifestyle/debts etc. And on top of that since it will be his very own money he will come out with 'It's my money , I can do what I like!'

He seems to be putting your family second when you should be his priority.

You have a DH problem.
He wants to support his brother over you.

I'd be telling him you are considering leaving. You need to know now if this would change DH behaviour. If not , do you want to be supporting his gambling addict BIL at yhe expense if you and your children? Your DH will lie and deceive you again if he us putting his brother before the needs of his direct family.

And, no way, would I be sharing holiday homes, playdates until paid back. You'll end up funding their repayment plan to yourself!

Id be raging about this. It would be the end of the relationship for me. I get paid into my own account and have own savings accounts. We do not have shared accounts except to pay bills from. My DH is a liability with money.

odd responses from BIL and SILs. Id have to have it out. Perhaps she doesnt know the extent of his debt / gambling problems

Honeypup, I'm concerned that you say they know how much savings you have. Why? None of their business. And all the time you let them have that knowledge they'll use it to beat you/ your not-so-dear husband down.

And frankly, I wouldn't trust your husband as far as I could throw him. On anything.

You seem to be okay with your dh and focusing on your in laws?

This is a mistake.

Your dh has stolen from your joint savings. He has done it behind your back as he knows you would have said no. This is NOT OKAY.

At the very least I would want all savings transferred to my name only but to be honest if he is happy to go behind your back and lie to you I would seriously be reconsidering the marriage.

Thank you everyone! I totally agree everyone is stressing the need to not only have visibility but part ownership of the account ! I will ensure this is done as this will stop the weekly arguments of asking what has been paid in.
DH did behave very sneaky and it stealing really! But I can’t help but take into account that BIL knows how soft my DH is. He is known for being a softy with his family and will help anyone out but usually it’s never been more then tenner here or twenty there now makes me feel that the amounts in the past must of been bigger. I hope for the sake of our marriage a line has been drawn in the sand and this is never repeated as my DH is aware of close we came to breaking point.

OP, I would insist that in order for you to stay in this marriage that your DH transfers the savings to you in full, to put in an account in your name only.

The only way I would forgive is if dh took at the saving out and placed them in my account where I would then be in charge of the savings.

Then I would continue to save and also when the money is in there I would approach your mil and ask for the money- if she did not have it I would confront your bill in front of his partner and ask him to pawn everything he owns to pay it back including their wedding rings - he needs to learn his lesson

Bil sounds like a con man or someone with a gambling or drug habit