Alone, Lonely but Afraid of Men!

[Nouveaunew]

I’m in my early 40s, separated and have been hoping to meet someone. I’m told I’m ‘a good catch’ but I’ve a history of chronically low self esteem.

I’m worried I’ve been so put off men . I’ve had some horrible experiences and I just read about a court case with an Irish teenager who was gang raped by five men who were also teenagers at the time. It’s just one of so many stories in the news that make me shudder and cry! It’s so hard not to be exploding with rage at the misogyny in the world. I just feel so sad and deflated by it all.

Is there any hope of meeting an interesting, loyal, intelligent man who I’m attracted to who won’t abuse, manipulate or gaslight me? Or who will be nice? I’m really worried that the ‘good’ ones are all married and I regret messing things up when I was younger but I had too much going on to get it right!

Lots of good men are married or otherwise in relationships. There are some good men out there who are single. The problem is that you need to wade through the swamp of not-so-good to find a gem. This requires effort and self confidence to say no to all the poor treatment that many people experience on the way to finding a decent match. It starts from the point of accepting yourself for who you are, and accepting that being single is not leprosy. It is nicer than being with the wrong person. You need to build your resilience and self esteem, perhaps with a therapist, so that you will feel worthy of a good man, decline the offers of poor matches, keep to your boundaries and accept that if it never happens, it is not the end of the world. Loving someone else starts with loving yourself, and accepting you.

Thanks @scoobydoo1971 I’ve been single three years and have had enough therapy to last a lifetime .

i am just worried by how wary of men I am . I’ve seen enough . I don’t want to Wade through the swamp anymore because that’s what I’m afraid of : hating men . I don’t think being single is a form of leprosy - I’m just lonely and have a lot to offer, I think, so I’d love not to be alone

I think I feel similar to you (and I'm a similar age), but actually I've had quite a few nice dates with guys I've met online.
I'm looking for that elusive needle in a hay-stack and I'm not currently dating as I'm too lazy to do all the dating admin!
Just treat it as an exercise in meeting people.
Yes some men are horrible, and so are some women, but at our age it's fairly easy to weed them out and to be aware how to keep ourselves safe (I know nothing is a guarantee).
Life is for living, not being scared and staying home the whole time.

I agree with everything @scoobydoo1971 said.
Overwhelmingly men are decent humans just as women are. Obviously there are plenty that aren't, and those are stories you here either because they are so awful they make the news or because people come on to forums to complain or ask for help etc. No-one starts a thread to say 'My bloke is just an ordinary chap who has been to work today and then picked up the milk on the way home, then cooked us our dinner whilst I bathed the dc' or whatever - because there is nothing to complain /moan / ask about in that daily, normal happening.

Interesting that from your 2nd post you talk about being lonely and equate that with not being in a relationship. Which makes me agree with Scooby even more, that perhaps you need to focus more on working out how you can be content with yourself, rather than desperately keen to be in a relationship, which can often lead to not having good boundaries about what you want, or expect from a relationship.

Thanks @herewithmyfrog it’s nice you had some good dates. I’ve had nothing but men children who still live with their parents looking to get laid!

I took a long time alone but now I’m bored and ready for more company. I don’t need a man but I do want one … my main worry is how much i am starting to detest them !

I know what you mean OP, having to trawl through a sea of awful, awful men who are married, cheating, narcissistic, abusive, liars is soul destroying.

Not wanting the hassle of dating or finding a man is one thing (and very common, who actually likes dating after all). But detesting them or thinking they're all misogynists or rapists etc is quite different - and I'm not sure you'll have success dating with that starting point. Because decent men will sense your true feelings or feel like they need to constantly prove themselves to you - and by virtue of being decent, won't want the negativity. So the only ones who will tolerate it are the arseholes who will see it as a weakness they can exploit. Because they'd assume only women with bad experiences and vulnerabilities would feel the way you do and know how to manipulate that.

Best advice is to get to a space where you like or appreciate men in general but have no tolerance or time for the losers/users. That isn't easy and maybe more therapy that helps you reframe negative thoughts can help. I imagine if you've never known a decent man it's hard but there definitely are! I would also try and learn body language and non verbal cues to help you get out of dates quicker before you invest too much effort. Dating in your 40s is harder as are most things the older you get - but there should be plenty of decent guys, maybe divorced who too are lonely, have a lot to offer and just want to meet someone nice.

I feel exactly the same, OP.

I've just had so many shit experiences with men (not even ones I was dating, just in everyday life) that I just find it hard to trust them at all. I went on OLD last year and was invited on a few dates and I ended up not going on any of them because it was so draining having to think about whether I should tell a friend where I was, who I was with, worrying about whether they might put something in my drink. Now I look back and wish I'd just gone on them, but at the time I did feel genuinely stressed and anxious.

Even chatting to men on OLD, so many of them were so very rude, arrogant and downright awful. I had quite a few match with me just to say something horrible, and a few left me worried that they'd try to stalk me IRL.

I don't have any advice but just so you know you're not alone. The only decent, real relationships I've had have come from real-life serendipitous meetings, and I hope to find that kind of situation again, even though it's much harder now than it was a decade ago. At least if I meet someone who's a friend of a friend or through a group, there's slightly less chance of him being married or whatever.

It's really hard.

The thing with OLD a lot of people don't like to admit is that there's a massively disproportionate number of those, because the decent men are mostly married by mid to late thirties. I find that lots of my friends in relationships think I should approach it with the assumption the vast majority of men on OLD are decent. No, they're not. That's the issue. The vast majority of awful, and I'm hoping to come across someone like myself - fairly normal and functional, who like me got fucked over by a breakup early on in the pandemic, and is genuinely looking for something long term. It feels like finding a needle in a haystack.

Maybe try to stay away from slanted, negative stories about men. There's far too much of that out there keeping women from approaching men and having good relationships. There's plenty of good things about men and good things that men do. Tuning into that will possibly help shed some of your negative perceptions.

Some of those decent men, married by their mid 30's will be separated/divorced by mid 40's and in the OLD pool too. I've tried OLD on and off for the last 3 years since the end of my marriage and find it pretty exhausting. I just wanted to say you're not alone, there are many men who feel the same way. Meeting IRL is the only way to go, in my opinion.

Very few ’good’ men out there to begin with.
If any.
Many horrible men in relationships or married, imagine waisting life away with one of them.

Personally, men have totally put me off for men.
For good.

I just don’t understand women who waste their time (or health) on men.
Best you can get really isin’t much.

Don’t get me wrong: I do understand loneliness, feeling like an outsider when women gush about - usually pretty bad men, or wanting companionship.
But it still really isin’t worth the risk.
And pay off usually isin’t much, unless you’re really scared to be alone/ co-dependent.

Do you actually meet many men in your real life? Do you have an opportunity to meet someone first before deciding whether you want to date them. I work in a very male dominated organisation and I know lots of great guys - funny, intelligent, capable. A lot of them are married yes but certainly not all of them. It feels like you’re on a hiding to nothing with OLD because you’ve already decided that it’s not going to work out for whatever reason. I’d work at spending time with guys without that dating pressure ( at a hobby or interest )

I wouldn't bother with dating apps. Do stuff you enjoy and maybe you'll find someone you like who already has a common interest as you. There are nice men out there. There are lots 9f reasons relationship fail. Not all men or divorced men are arseholes. Personally, If I list my husband I wouldn't live with another man not because my husband is an arsehole but because I like my own space.

OP, perhaps try female datting strategy. They used to be on Reddit, but you can now find them at https://www.thefemaledatingstrategy.com/

I don't date either, but reading their stuff and listening to their podcasts has done wonders for my self-esteem. I don't agree with all their opinions. They have some strange views on radical feminism, but most of it is good.

But how many are actually single? I work in almost all male company as well. The vast, vast majority have partners by 30ish or are gay. I did date a coworker who was single, couldn't believe my luck, thought it was fate that I'd got a job there and met him because we seemed so perfect together. He turned into an abusive narcissist within about four months and it became clear why all his exes had run a mile.

I look at the single women I know and they're almost all attractive, intelligent, funny, and have their shit together. Have spent loads of money in therapy to sort out their issues, go to the gym, and look after themselves. I look at the single men I know and most of them are absolute manchildren. Expect women to sort out their problems, carry their baggage from one relationship to the next, spend their money on childish rubbish like video games and then say they can't afford therapy. Women tend to take action to solve their problems; men tend to whinge. I recently ran into a man I worked with in 2014. He was miserable then, complaining about his work, the colleagues, everything. Talked about how he wanted to work abroad and I encouraged him to do it. It's 2022 and he's still in the exact same job, still whingeing. He's literally done nothing since then. Hasn't been anywhere, hasn't done anything, hasn't dated anyone. It's pathetic.

I think there are quite simply far, far more decent single women than single men.

I think in your case I would stay clear of online dating and try to meet people in real life maybe through going out a bit more, getting new hobbies/interests or volunteering. So there will be less pressure and you can interact with people on a friendship level first.

In my experience men in their 40s/50s on dating site are in majority absolutely awful...you will always get people who tell you ''it worked for me'', ''there are some good men'' but the reality if that there is a high number of liars, cheats, weirdos, narcissists and gaslighters on dating sites/apps. Unless you have a lot of time and energy and a thick skin you are better off avoiding these platforms.

Like you I have had some seriously bad experiences with men. Including being assaulted by someone I had met online, who was charming and kind for months before revealing his true self.

I completely agree that not all men are dangerous to women but unfortunately some are and it gets harder to date as you get older as many of the good guys are in long term relationships or find new partners really quickly when they are not.

So don't cut yourself off from love completely but I think you are right to be cautious.

I bet this thread has really helped inspire the OP 😂😂😂

Well, ploppy, maybe the fact that so many have suggested actually getting to know more people whilst not desperately seeking a date, and coming to understand that there are lots of lovely people out there, might help the OP to move to a place where she is ready to date.
I think @Ecclesfreckles is spot on.

Best advice I had was don't waste time on the non starters... there's a lot of shit to wade through before you find your unicorn. Be prepared to compromise on cosmetic things but not your standards. Good luck!!

Hey, I’m also in 40s and been separated 8 months. Its too early for me to start dating ( completely individual on that one as not right for me but others may have moved on by now). What I-want to say is that I can relate to what you say and if you have had traumatic experiences but it might be worth doing some work on your self esteem first - either via therapy or courses run by local women’s services or IDAS as first step?
i wonder that if you improved your self esteem then you may be in a better place to meet a truly lovely kind man - I do believe they exist and some of them single also for similar reasons we are.
best of luck xxx

I find that lots of my friends in relationships think I should approach it with the assumption the vast majority of men on OLD are decent. No, they're not. That's the issue. The vast majority of awful, and I'm hoping to come across someone like myself - fairly normal and functional, who like me got fucked over by a breakup early on in the pandemic, and is genuinely looking for something long term. It feels like finding a needle in a haystack
I've spent a lot of time on OLD and this ^^ has very much been my experience.

Thanks so much for the comments - I've read them all carefully. I don't have a whole lot of opportunity to meet men IRL. I am sociable and likeable (I'm told) but it's the fact I don't have opportunity to meet people is the problem. There's no chance to meet people in work as I work for a tiny organisation with no movement in or out. My friends are all married with kids and like to meet for quiet lunches, in each other's houses or seated in a corner of a pub where's there's no chance of socialising.

I agree with people who have said to do what I enjoy. I get afraid to try new things on my own - there has just been so much change the last three years going through a separation and it can feel overwhelming. I feel three years single is a good stretch to get to know myself and also to emotionally move on from my ex. My expectations have completely changed. I don't want to be dependent on a man but I'm a romantic person who enjoys nurturing and being nurtured and I also enjoy having fun.

I think I do need to muster up the guts to take up more hobbies.

I think I'm going to delete my OLD account and spend the time on a hobby instead.

It's lovely to read that I'm not alone - that's what I LOVE about Mumsnet and what I LOVE about women. We really do support one another. xxx

I've been doing OLD for 2.5 years and an similar age to you.

A lot of it is luck, I've not been lucky.

Oh and cutting out the timewasters which these sites are littered with.

@Bangheadhere40
Yeah I don’t think I can hack it. I’m getting used to being single but certain elements of it can be hard to live with longterm!

@Bangheadhere40
And sorry to hear you’ve had no luck so far.