Alone, Lonely but Afraid of Men!

[Nouveaunew]

I’m in my early 40s, separated and have been hoping to meet someone. I’m told I’m ‘a good catch’ but I’ve a history of chronically low self esteem.

I’m worried I’ve been so put off men . I’ve had some horrible experiences and I just read about a court case with an Irish teenager who was gang raped by five men who were also teenagers at the time. It’s just one of so many stories in the news that make me shudder and cry! It’s so hard not to be exploding with rage at the misogyny in the world. I just feel so sad and deflated by it all.

Is there any hope of meeting an interesting, loyal, intelligent man who I’m attracted to who won’t abuse, manipulate or gaslight me? Or who will be nice? I’m really worried that the ‘good’ ones are all married and I regret messing things up when I was younger but I had too much going on to get it right!

@Smileandactlikeitsfine I've never been with a woman but I do believe sexuality is a spectrum. While I don't think I'm 100% straight, I do think I have a strong leaning towards being straight and preferring a relationship with a man ... it's finding a good one is the problem. I'd rather be single than put up with crap but I'm in my 40s, not 80s and don't feel ready for a life without a strong, emotional, intimate connection.

I really regret messing things up with 'nice' guys when I was in my 20s and too lacking in foresight and self-esteem to know a good thing when I had it! I knew no better at the time but I deeply regret it -- I wish I had had someone around to advise or guide me at the time.

@CharSiu
Thanks. I hear you, I really do.

@Smileandactlikeitsfine I've never been with a woman but I do believe sexuality is a spectrum. While I don't think I'm 100% straight, I do think I have a strong leaning towards being straight and preferring a relationship with a man ... it's finding a good one is the problem. I'd rather be single than put up with crap but I'm in my 40s, not 80s and don't feel ready for a life without a strong, emotional, intimate connection.

I really regret messing things up with 'nice' guys when I was in my 20s and too lacking in foresight and self-esteem to know a good thing when I had it! I knew no better at the time but I deeply regret it -- I wish I had had someone around to advise or guide me at the time.

@CharSiu
Thanks. I hear you, I really do.

No point beating yourself up for the past. Seriously let it go.

I think you should consider getting some counselling. You're giving yourself a terribly hard time about things.

@pixie5121
I don't think you understand the meaning of the word gaslighting. Hint it doesn't mean a difference of opinion.

No, it means trying to convince people their experience of the world is wrong.

But a "good" man has as many definitions as a "good" woman.

A good man could be a manual worker, who doesn't read much but is practical, lives each day as it comes. Or an academic who does cryptic crosswords on Sundays but doesn't know one end of a screwdriver to another.

I know loads of "good" men I could never have a relationship with.

But yes I would say 40s would be the most difficult decade to find a 40s good man. Just because most good men have families, even if their marriage/relationship falls apart there are money, childcare, aging parents, career progression/stalling.

Have you tried speed dating? Perhaps a room full of singles who have paid for an evening out primarily to meet someone might be a good starting place. This takes more effort than online.

{mention: pixie5121}
gaslight
verb
gerund or present participle: gaslighting

manipulate (someone) by psychological means into doubting their own sanity.

Hope this helps.

You're the one who needs the help.

Why is it that men are always looking for something casual?

@D0lphine
It's like you know me! Almost everyone who knows me well IRL tells me I give myself a hard time. I've had so much counselling and tbh, I couldn't face into all that analysis again.

@frozendaisy Exactly! Forties is a tough time to meet potential suitors! I've never tried speed dating and I do like the idea of it. I like the idea of not being stuck with someone you don't want to hang out with for a whole evening. The buzzer helping you move on is a great idea. I haven't heard of speed dating events lately (maybe after Covid) but I'll certainly look into it.

{mention: pixie5121}
Facts!

@D0lphine
It's like you know me! Almost everyone who knows me well IRL tells me I give myself a hard time. I've had so much counselling and tbh, I couldn't face into all that analysis again.

It's because I'm exactly the same!!! It's very common to be like this'

How did your counselling go? Any insights?

Ah op I was actually thinking along the same lines this morning and told myself I have as much chance of winning the lottery
I'm putting all my efforts into platonic relationships and keeping myself busy
I think I'm permanently on the shelf now at 38 having been put off by past relationships

@D0lphine
counselling was beneficial. It helped me stick up for myself more (in a non aggressive way) and not let things fester as much. It helped me ask people what they mean instead of getting upset for days! It also helped me to realise I deserve better than what I had been settling for. It was very very good for me … but I’ve had enough as it took me a long time to find the right counsellor and I had some yucky experiences with counsellors before finding one who actually listened & didn’t talk about themselves!

@fedup078
i feel you! I consider myself lucky to have wonderful people in my life. Maybe if we continue to nurture our other friendships/relationships and do what we enjoy, some day, when we least expect it, love will come our way? X