Alone, Lonely but Afraid of Men!

[Nouveaunew]

I’m in my early 40s, separated and have been hoping to meet someone. I’m told I’m ‘a good catch’ but I’ve a history of chronically low self esteem.

I’m worried I’ve been so put off men . I’ve had some horrible experiences and I just read about a court case with an Irish teenager who was gang raped by five men who were also teenagers at the time. It’s just one of so many stories in the news that make me shudder and cry! It’s so hard not to be exploding with rage at the misogyny in the world. I just feel so sad and deflated by it all.

Is there any hope of meeting an interesting, loyal, intelligent man who I’m attracted to who won’t abuse, manipulate or gaslight me? Or who will be nice? I’m really worried that the ‘good’ ones are all married and I regret messing things up when I was younger but I had too much going on to get it right!

I totally get where you are coming from op.

I've been separated from my ex husband 2.5 years now and honestly can't see myself ever trusting a man again.

Other posters saying the majority of men are decent are imo wrong. The vast majority aren't which is what makes finding a decent one so hard. I am 43 and I'm having to come to terms with the fact that there's a good chance I'll be single forever. I am simply not prepared to tolerate the shit I've had in every relationship I've been in any longer.

It's so depressing.

Other posters saying the majority of men are decent are imo wrong. The vast majority aren't which is what makes finding a decent one so hard

Therein lies your problem. So you actually believe the majority of men are not decent? Sadly that is beyond ridiculous. So the sons of all the women on here are not decent? I don't know what got you to this point, but as has been pointed out by pp, your attitude to men is your issue. Decent men will avoid you and your "weird" persona. Not decent men will be attracted to you. Rinse and repeat.

I know lots of truly decent men. Something I’m really grateful for is that all my good friends are married to really nice blokes who are good husbands and good fathers.

I’m long-term single and feel similar to you OP in that I know that finding one of these good guys isn’t easy. I’ve done lots of OLD over the years and met some nice guys but far more not-nice/man-child guys.

I’ve also had a near miss with a drink being spiked on a date but luckily I realised and left.

I’ve reached a point where I feel that I don’t want to make myself vulnerable by online dating. I now have a DD to think about and can’t do anything that might put me or her in harm’s way.

The only way I can see me having another relationship is if it was a guy I already knew well or who at least was a brother or close friend of one of my good friends so that there’s less chance of them being harmful in any way.

@DrMorbius I'll tell you what got me to this point. Three serious relationships, the first two with men who ended up being controlling and ultimately violent towards me.

Then I married a man who I thought was the sweetest kindest man ever. He left me and our DC while they were still tiny. I then found out he had the most horrifying past that he had hidden from me our entire relationship.

To all three of these men I was a loving partner and got shit on in return. Most of the women I know are in unhappy relationships with men who make them miserable. I look around the world and see misery and violence, 99.9% of which is perpetrated by men.

To suggest that it is my 'wierd' persona that has led me to be shit on by men is frankly insulting to me and the legions of women who have been through similar. I started off as romantic and starry eyed about relationships as most woman in our culture do. I have been brought to my current opinion of men due to their disgusting actions, not mine.

How wonderful to always place the blame on women.
Rinse and repeat, indeed.

@CrumpetStrumpet My heart goes out to you and I understand and believe you. It’s a good point to remember ‘their actions, not mine’.

I never spoke about a sexual assault to a counsellor but I was going to. She said ‘remember the shame lies with him, not you.’ I decided I didn’t want to talk about it because I don’t want to give it too much airplay. He came across lovely and fun etc . That’s one of the experiences that makes me so wary of men. I won’t be letting a man in my bedroom again unless I know him extremely well and I’ll be wanting to talk about it beforehand! Before that guy, it never occurred to me I’d be mistreated sexually by someone I was seeing.

@INeedNewShoes Yes, I’ve met countless man-children online. So many of them seem to think it’s normal that their mother does their Washing and that they live in her spare room in their 30s or 40s! I agree. It’d be lovely to meet someone. I’d love the company and affection but I don’t think we should have to put ourselves through the drudgery and disappointment of OLD to do so.

AllAloneInThisHouse
How wonderful to always place the blame on women.
Rinse and repeat, indeed.

Can you point to where I blamed women? I was merely pointing out that this site in largely occupied by mothers of men. I am sure they would disagree with the op's opinion.

@DrMorbius
what do you mean by ‘the op’s opinion’? You hadn’t addressed me before so just wondering. (FWIW I have many lovely men in my life (friends, brothers etc) … not sure what you meant when you wrote ‘the op’s opinion.’ I have been talking about trying to find a potential romantic partner and how hard it’s been …

There are decent men out there, no doubt about it. I know a fair few. But they are in a minority.

I think you're deluded.

I think the vast, vast majority of men will at least cheat and lie. They may not all be violent or outwardly abusive, but most of them are incredibly selfish and self serving. Women seem to be expected to make all kinds of sacrifices for men, from choosing lower paying lower status careers to living somewhere they're not keen on to giving up hobbies and dreams, but men rarely do the same for women.

I look at couples I know and most of the men in them aren't particularly nice or kind, in my eyes. Lots of monologuing, mansplaining, patronising. And these are the 'better' ones. The ones who have decent jobs and help support the family and spend time with the kids and do some of the chores. This is the best it gets.

This kind of gaslighting is so tedious. It's NOT women's fault that most men are fucking shit.

pixie5121 100%

@pixie5121
’. It's NOT women's fault that most men are fucking shit’
Honestly I think that if start off with that type of attitude, then finding a fulfilling relationship with a man is very unlikely.

@Sauce99 But @pixie5121 is speaking from her own experience of men, just the same as I am. We are being accused of having a self fulfilling bad attitude towards men BUT our opinions have been formed through our own lived experiences of men. What came first? The chicken or the egg?

@DrMorbius But you did blame me. Saying that my 'weird' attitude is attracting bad men is laying the blame for my shitty treatment at the hands of these men firmly at my door.

Yes this site will have many mothers of sons on it and I'm sure none would appreciate hearing their sons may grown up to treat women badly. However the harsh fact is that many of them will. I have a son. I will do everything in my power to raise him.to respect women but I acknowledge that there's no guarantee he actually will!

@Nouveaunew thank you for your kind words and I am so sorry for the horrible experiences you have also been through.

Agree this thread is super negative.

We may be the mothers of sons and we do have some influence, but we are only a part of the picture, their male role models, peers and our wider culture is a huge influence. A culture that encourages female self sacrifice on the alter of male selfishness, demand and greed. Patriarchy is the water that that this species swims in, and large numbers of women cannot even face the reality of the world around them, let alone challenge their male children's poor behaviour.

Sad we women even in 2022 are still expected to find a man to "complete us"...

Nothing wrong with being single, even with kids.

Done it 30 years.

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea Very well said.

@Iflyaway I agree that no woman NEEDS a man to complete her. I personally can't imagine being in a relationship with a man again. Not unless he has a great deal to offer. My days of believing love is all that is required are long gone. However it is perfectly natural for people to long for an intimate partner. Humans are not designed to live alone. The ops desire for a partner is perfectly valid and understandable.

This is just gaslighting.

I didn't start off with this attitude. I developed it through decades of being treated like shit by men. Not just men I dated, but men I worked with, studied with, friend's partners.

How much exactly are we supposed to put up with before we come to the conclusion that it's mostly just not worth it?

Who says anything about expectations?

I couldn't give a flying fuck what anyone else expects. I live alone, have travelled all over the world alone, do almost everything alone. I'd like a partner in my life. It's pretty normal to want that.

If you were bisexual I'd suggest not bothering with the fellas anymore more going forward.

Abusive men target women with low self esteem.

I worked as a fund raiser for a DV charity in a smallish town, it was a sad eye opener.

They meet women and they do small things to test them it then escalates. Depending on that woman’s boundary will depend on how much she puts up with. Women that have had difficult childhoods or self esteem issues for any reason tend to put up with more. Its slow burn , they reel women in slowly.

There are decent men but I do think they are in the minority unfortunately. It does also see harder to find a better one as the years pass. I have had 3 friends who have married men or been in long term relationships who quite simply just aren’t good enough at all. They aren’t the worlds worse like some of the men I heard of but bloody hell I couldn’t put up with the crap they do for a second. One said she wasn’t allowed the heating on when he wasn’t at home and other stuff. I smelt an abuser, told her. She dumped me as a friend soon after, he also never liked me and was off with me. DH rarely comments on people but had an awful vibe off of him.

@Smileandactlikeitsfine I've never been with a woman and I do believe sexuality is a spectrum. While I don't think I'm 100% straight, I do think I have a strong leaning towards being straight and preferring a relationship with a man ... it's finding a good one is the problem. I really regret messing things up with 'nice' guys when I was in my 20s and too lacking in foresight and self-esteem to know a good thing when I had it!

@CharSiu
Thanks. I hear you, I really do.

@Smileandactlikeitsfine I've never been with a woman and I do believe sexuality is a spectrum. While I don't think I'm 100% straight, I do think I have a strong leaning towards being straight and preferring a relationship with a man ... it's finding a good one is the problem. I really regret messing things up with 'nice' guys when I was in my 20s and too lacking in foresight and self-esteem to know a good thing when I had it!

@CharSiu
Thanks. I hear you, I really do.