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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband headbutted the door

66 replies

Mymincepie · 31/05/2022 12:48

We've been going through a tough patch for a couple of months. He's having counselling for self-esteem issues. He's miserable a lot. We had another argument this morning which was like the last straw and it got heated and he said to go out and he'd be gone by the time I came home. I said "fine". Then when I went downstairs I heard a bang. He'd headbutted the door edge quite hard, and there was no give. There's a red bump on his forehead now and I'm worried there will be damage. I don't know how it came to this 😓

OP posts:
LaBellina · 31/05/2022 13:03

He sounds very frustrated about the whole situation- my toddler does the same thing when he’s angry but it seems odd behavior for a grown man. Has he shown any violent behavior before, or has he ever been self harming? Please keep a close eye on all of this and put your own safety and that of DC (if you have any) first.

SchoolThing · 31/05/2022 13:08

I think you need to go out until he has gone. Definitely make yourself absent when there is even a hint of violence.

Once he’s gone he can do whatever he wants to improve his well-being and it may be that eventually you both get to a place where you want to try to work things out but there is a lot of work to do first.

Damaging objects is very often a precursor to damaging people.

MintJulia · 31/05/2022 13:10

I'd worry about a grown man having so little self-control.

Triffid1 · 31/05/2022 13:11

Well, I would argue that if being in the house is so difficult for him he can't control himself enough not to head butt a door and hurt himself, the sooner he is gone the better it will be for all concerned.

I hope you're not feeling sorry for him? Take this as a sign that the relationship well and truly is over and its' time for you both to move on.

Zpoa · 31/05/2022 13:17

He has no self control. What a baby.

JustTheOneSwan · 31/05/2022 13:21

Did you get frustrated and hit things?
I'm guessing no because it's not normal and there's no good reason for it.
Let him go asap.

Original poster
Mymincepie · 31/05/2022 13:25

He said he did it because he was annoyed with himself. He didn't get angry, he got sad / upset with himself. He hasn't ever been violent before, but many years ago he did used to very occasionally hit himself in the head if we had a serious argument. I told him back then, never to do it again. This is the first time in over 10 years and is the worst one.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mymincepie · 31/05/2022 13:26

And no, I never use any kind of violence / hit myself or anything, and never would.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 31/05/2022 13:27

I'd be telling him to leave. Totally unacceptable.

cestlavielife · 31/05/2022 13:28

Tell him to leave and seek help
If door is damaged he pays
If his head is damaged he can go to gp

mosside · 31/05/2022 13:28

I used to hit myself on the head. I don't think it's helpful for people to say he's a baby or violent. He needs another way of coping but I do not think he's violent. He's struggling.

Hopefully the counselling will help

Triffid1 · 31/05/2022 13:29

Mymincepie · 31/05/2022 13:25

He said he did it because he was annoyed with himself. He didn't get angry, he got sad / upset with himself. He hasn't ever been violent before, but many years ago he did used to very occasionally hit himself in the head if we had a serious argument. I told him back then, never to do it again. This is the first time in over 10 years and is the worst one.

You're breaking up so it's not your problem any more. He can go be sad/angry with himself somewhere else.

Original poster
Mymincepie · 31/05/2022 13:30

He does know that I worry a lot about injuries. But he also think very little of himself. It's all just a mess. Maybe he's depressed.

OP posts:
Staynow · 31/05/2022 13:30

There's something more going on here OP. Is it possible he's autistic?

SchoolThing · 31/05/2022 13:33

Mymincepie · 31/05/2022 13:30

He does know that I worry a lot about injuries. But he also think very little of himself. It's all just a mess. Maybe he's depressed.

Well there’s definitely something going on but that does not excuse his behaviour.

Kris02 · 31/05/2022 13:33

Sounds like self-loathing rather than anger or aggression. A lot of men carry a lot of shame. They feel inadequate or inferior in some way, and it comes out as rage and aggression. At least it's directed against himself.

Original poster
Mymincepie · 31/05/2022 13:34

No, he's not autistic. He's a bit socially awkward at times, and he seems negative all the time. I know he's working through past / family stuff with his counsellor. Maybe it's dredging feelings up?

OP posts:
mosside · 31/05/2022 13:36

I just wanted to say that following my earlier message about how I used to do this as a teen, I recently started counselling and felt so strongly that I wanted to bang my head but I didn't do it. Those feelings he will be talking about are raw and can take you back.

Badger1970 · 31/05/2022 13:48

It sounds like you're both very unhappy, so it's time to end things and walk away.

His anger issues aren't your responsibility or problem.

Wouldyabeguilty · 31/05/2022 14:16

Sounds like the only physical harm he is doing is to himself. Poor fecker needs some help.

Original poster
Mymincepie · 31/05/2022 16:01

Thanks for your replies. I'm not sure what to do really.

OP posts:
Fenella123 · 31/05/2022 16:11

Point out to him that he most likely wouldn't have done it in front of his boss, that he needs to see his GP if it's coming to this. Even if your relationship is crumbling there are ways to say the above without being a dick about it.

FWIW I would hit my head in the depths of terrible PMS, and to anyone I would say, if you find yourself doing this, it's time to work out how to NOT, NOW.

Original poster
Mymincepie · 31/05/2022 16:13

@Wouldyabeguilty what help though? He's having weekly counselling. Maybe just needs to bring this up with his counsellor. I believe it is just a self-harm kind of thing, but I'm not 100% sure it isn't a manipulative thing either... as in, concern me enough that I'll stop talking about ending the relationship. I do not believe either of us truly want to end the relationship, but the constant bickering is becoming hard. And life stresses get in the way.

OP posts:
forlornlorna1 · 31/05/2022 16:17

Staynow · 31/05/2022 13:30

There's something more going on here OP. Is it possible he's autistic?

Ffs there's always one

Wouldyabeguilty · 31/05/2022 16:20

Mymincepie · 31/05/2022 16:13

@Wouldyabeguilty what help though? He's having weekly counselling. Maybe just needs to bring this up with his counsellor. I believe it is just a self-harm kind of thing, but I'm not 100% sure it isn't a manipulative thing either... as in, concern me enough that I'll stop talking about ending the relationship. I do not believe either of us truly want to end the relationship, but the constant bickering is becoming hard. And life stresses get in the way.

I’d say it’s a mixture of both. It could absolutely be a way of making you stop talking.

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