Husband headbutted the door

[Mymincepie]

We've been going through a tough patch for a couple of months. He's having counselling for self-esteem issues. He's miserable a lot. We had another argument this morning which was like the last straw and it got heated and he said to go out and he'd be gone by the time I came home. I said "fine". Then when I went downstairs I heard a bang. He'd headbutted the door edge quite hard, and there was no give. There's a red bump on his forehead now and I'm worried there will be damage. I don't know how it came to this 😓

Agreed, don't be ridiculous @Staynow

Why is it ridiculous? My autistic son sometimes hurts himself why he’s having a meltdown. It’s not exactly uncommon.

I’ve also hit myself hard on the head and bitten myself in situations of extreme distress. It’s depressing to see self-harm equated with violence against others. I’ve never lashed out at another person.

We've decided to give it another chance. He's going to talk to his counsellor about it this week and possible GP in case of mild depression / tablets. He admitted it was mainly to try to get me to come back upstairs / talk again rather than he could not control himself. I still suspect a bit of both. I said if it ever happens again it will be over no matter what. We're going to work on the issues (escalating arguments) by giving each other leeway. I had PMT and expect this is why I was more stressed than usual this morning.

Also going to try to work on a few things like exercise / gratitude etc for mild depression symptoms.

When me and my partner had some relationship counselling we learnt something that maybe could be useful for you. We had arguments that just escalated. We agreed on a word, let's say 'stop' or 'it's happening' and if we were arguing and one of us recognised what was happening and said that, we would realise what was happening and both just stop. We had to agree to do that. It really helped to both work as a team on it.

(((hug)))

he sounds in a bad way, poor bloke. Counselling is probably bringing up all kinds of things & he's struggling to deal with them.

You only have to look at most of the posts on your thread to see why men struggle to deal with emotions & MH issues.

He should see if he can get an earlier appointment!!

I think help is what is required here, rather than anything else. Probably frustration at not knowing how to get out of a situation or move on.

Maybe you should both have some counselling?

He obviously has social/communication difficulties if he’s socially awkward and thinks that banging his head on a door is an effective discussion technique.

I would be asking him to read up on neurodivergence and be very self-reflective about the possibility that his social-communication struggles are neurodevelopmental.

Oh for.pitys sake. It's manipulative behaviour - consciously or sub consciously. He knew you were serious about actually ending it thus time but now you are ealing sorry for him and supporting his mental health issues.

It won't get better.

Sorry

It’s hard to tell without knowing him … if he lashed out and lost control or was trying to manipulate.

my father used to sometimes punch walls with the side of one of his big fists when he was in a fury. He sometimes took hammers to walls or doors. He had seething rage inside. It wasn’t fun growing up with it . It’s good your DH is getting counselling. That’s a huge step. Communication is important. I don’t think my father knew how to communicate his emotions

Hang on! He's admitted that it was more a manipulation tactic. Now you're trying again? So it worked?

You said next time he does it, you're out, but you've just shown him that he can do it and manipulate you back...

I know. At least he was honest though. Although I do believe he's a bit confused about why he did it and think it's both reasons. He knows I won't tolerate this again though.

Ugh, so he admitted he did on purpose to manipulate you. And you find this appealing enough to stay with him? Would not rather enjoy life? It’s really not meant to be this shit.

Looks like it worked then.
This won’t be the last time.

It's hard to throw away many years of marriage. Neither of us wants to break up, sometimes you need to work through things.

This man told you he headbutted a door to manipulate you after an argument, during which he told you to leave the house (hardly a reasonable request, why didn't he leave if he needed to cool off?!) and you agreed to do so. So he obviously wanted you to plead to stay - more manipulation.

He originally said he did it because he lost control. That turned out to be a lie.

I think some time apart while he works on himself in counselling would be a very good idea...

I hope there aren't kids under the same roof as this.

It's absolutely manipulation, my ex used to do similar. It not only gets you to do what he wants because you're worried about what he'll do to himself, but it's also to scare you - if someone could do that to themselves, what are they capable of doing to you next time they "can't control themselves"? I can promise you that for all his talk and and show, he never did anything to himself when we broke up (except find the next woman to latch onto).

@wellhelloitsme actually that's not accurate. He said when I got home he'd be gone. (I was going out). He didn't say he lost control initially. That's what I thought... but not in an angry way... in a "I hate myself and must punish myself" kind of way. He's not an angry person. But he does have low self esteem.

This is self harm. It's indicative of the state of his mental and emotional health. It's not a grown man having no self control it behaving like a baby.

That's not to say you shouldn't walk away from him though, OP. It sounds as though he has some serious issues that need addressing.

He’s self-harming, I can’t believe people are calling him a baby! This is why so many men die by suicide, they don’t seek help for their mental health because they’re ridiculed for it.

I think the poor chap needs a bit of help.

My ex did this. The next thing he did was break one of my ribs. Run.

Yes self harming but doing it for attention most likely. Its a manipulation tactic. Been there, done that.

While I agree calling someone with mental health problems a baby is not on, in fairness to posters who are saying negative things about him, he himself did say that he did it to manipulate her into coming back to where he was in the house.

Yes he did say that, and still says that. But it is a bit of both. And there's no anger issues / danger to me.

Gently, OP, someone who headbutts a door must have anger issues. That issue may be a lack of control over himself or using performative anger to control others eg making you come back when you needed space to cool off, making you feel worried about him so less likely to leave him.