Husband headbutted the door

[Mymincepie]

We've been going through a tough patch for a couple of months. He's having counselling for self-esteem issues. He's miserable a lot. We had another argument this morning which was like the last straw and it got heated and he said to go out and he'd be gone by the time I came home. I said "fine". Then when I went downstairs I heard a bang. He'd headbutted the door edge quite hard, and there was no give. There's a red bump on his forehead now and I'm worried there will be damage. I don't know how it came to this 😓

Thank you, I do appreciate your concern. But I don't believe there's anger issues. Truly. I think it was self-harm plus he knew I'd be concerned/worried about him. Like a desperate act. I've never seen any anger in many years. Grumpiness, sure. Any risk to myself I would sniff out a mile off.

Yes there are probably plenty who did similar and need or needed help too. But you can't stay around to suffer that whilst it's established exactly what the person needs!

We had another argument this morning which was like the last straw and it got heated

Frequent arguments and them getting heated does sound like an anger issue but obviously you know him better than us so I could be wrong.

If there are kids involved in this then please do consider the impact of living in a home where there are frequent arguments and ongoing tension.

I wasn't so much concerned about him being a risk to you physically necessarily, more than you're being manipulated and that's emotionally abusive.

Whether he's manipulative because he's depressed or manipulative because he's controlling, the effect on you is the same - you're being manipulated and living in a shouty and tense relationship with lots of arguments.

Truly don't mean to sound preachy or as if I know him like you do (obviously) it just sounds an unhappy and unhealthy situation you don't have to remain in

Thank you. I will bear it in mind. I'm not innocent in the matter; I get irritated easily. We are working on it. If it becomes unhealthy and we start bickering again, I'll reassess.

So he told you to go out and when you got back he’d be gone?
But he hit his head against a door instead, so he didn’t leave? Sounds like a convoluted way of “ if you leave I’ll harm myself”, a way of controlling you to stay.
He’s an adult, he has a counsellor. Does he have any family or close friends for back up? If he does I can’t see there’s anything to gain by staying together. It’s not a healthy environment for you, him or children.

Headbuttng a door is not normal behaviour. Why hasn’t he left? Why haven’t you kicked him out?
The only damage I’d be worry about it to the door itself.

This is not a man any woman should have to be with OP. I had one a bit like this years ago- awful. If we're going to be psychiatric nurses we should at least get paid for it.

He's frustrated with himself. At a calmer point in time, go for a walk with him and chat about what's been on both your minds. The walking will help get rid of tension while you're talking and the fresh air will do you both good. Counselling is good but also being able to communicate with partner is better.

I could not put up with a man so emotional and manipulative.

I have, in the past slapped/punched myself hard on the head. This has always been when I've felt I should be punished/feeling like I'm a terrible and worthless person. It entirely relates to a childhood trauma that makes me depressed and feeling like I'm not good enough. I always hid it from people though.
It has taken a lot of counselling to show myself that actually I don't need to punish myself and that im not worthless. I still even struggle typing that as my dad drilled into me that I was worthless and that thinking about myself at all meant I was self absorbed and awful.
I would never ever hurt another person. It is me that I've always felt deserves a slap. I realise that all sounds mad. I do hope your DH can get the help he needs. Im sure if I hadn't my self harming would have escalated.

All. Of. This.

I grew up with a dad a bit like this (though mainly expressive moods rather than actions.) It is very damaging to children to be around someone like this, walking on eggshells, unable to relax at home.

Unpleasant for their partners too, of course.

You seem to be avoiding the question of children OP.
Do you have kids?

Yes, we do. They don't know about this, and have never seen it nor have I, for many years... as I said, he's not like it usually. But then we are not on the brink of splitting up usually. Stressful events had occurred prior to this, which caused some trauma and for sure, his counsellor is helping him awaken old memories etc. I don't think he knew how to deal with it as he's always bottled up emotions before. He felt worthless as a child. No point going over the whole dramatic "are children involved here?" thing. I'm a good parent, and he is a good dad, and they're just fine. And husband is getting the help he needs now.

What a load of bigoted shit.

No eggshells to walk on either. We have a calm and fun family life. Stressful at times due to general life / work. But a mental health issue has arisen and we are now taking care of it.