Covert Narcissism

[freshpatchouli]

Has anybody had any experience of this very scary and damaging personality disorder please?

I'm sure everyone has at some point in time.
They aren't particularly rare these sorts.

Everyone's had a resourceful school/office bully who seems to just get away with all of it because they are so sly and slimey. Or a fake friend who acts like your life is their competition. Or a partner who, is completely undeserving of the term because they'd rather snidely undermine and belittle you at every opportunity than ever have your back and then act like you are oversensitive because 'it's not like they hit you' or some shit.

There's a gazillion of them around. I'd say potentially more of them than there are of the overt variety. Just as dangerous as them too, if not moreso. You always have to be on your guard unfortunately.

Unfortunately yes. If allowed they will make you question everything about yourself. If you're involved with one in any capacity my advice is to run as far and as fast as you can.

Oh I didn't realise there were so many. I've only really heard about the loud attention seeking narcissists.

I've just separated from a covert one after 30 years and can't quite believe what I allowed and how obvious it is now that he didn't give a damn about anyone except himself.

Reading the literature on this disorder gave me goosebumps. Described him spot on. At the moment I'm broken, lost and lonely

I wish I had Homebaby. Sorry you've experienced it too.

Well done on your escape from the vile, soulless creature.

Be aware you might notice one or two others around you now that you've started to see how to spot them.

Unfortunately it's common to end up reading up about it upon getting rid of a shitty partner and realise that you had a parent or have a close friend that is similar. They often come in little clusters.

Good news is that once you get shot of any and be sure to keep reading up nown and again on how to spot them early on, you'll hopefully never have to deal with one longterm ever again.

I’ll list:

Aloof
Closed book
Charming/gentleman to a fault
Unfathomable facial expressions / silent scrutiny
Condescending / belittling / persuasive
Seemingly shy
Body language, words and actions don’t match
Some sort of weird sexual magnetism (Narc With A Spark)
My intuition telling me not to “go there”

@freshpatchouli I had never come across one until my previous partner. Knew there was something not right with the way I was feeling about myself after being with him a while. It was a relatively short relationship but the damage it did was frightening. I can't imagine 30 years of it. Please look after yourself, I found reading up on it helped hugely and gave me clarification that it wasn't me. Dr ramini on you tube was my best friend for a while! You will feel lost, you have lost yourself but you're still in there and you will find yourself again. Also read up on trauma bonds and if you are in a position to get to counselling. Sending love and strength 💐

Also-
Manipulative
Tries to play the victim to an unbelievable extent
Takes no responsibility for actions
Colder than cold
Defensive
Has it worse than every single other person

Thank you Homebaby. It really is frightening. Similar personality to a psychopath.

I've always felt something wasn't quite right, that he lived in a bubble. I've always considered myself to be a strong person but in hindsight I had no boundaries whatsoever.

There's 3 phases to a relationship with these people - love bombing then indifference/lack of affection then abandonment.

It's frightening to read. The second phase was by far the longest.

He never had any interest in anything. Literally nothing. He didn't plan one holiday, one day out, one improvement to the house. Nothing. Literally nothing inside him behind those cold piercing eyes

@freshpatchouli mine was a psychopath, it just sounds dramatic to write it. Had the criminal convictions to prove it.
Unfortunately although I also thought I was a strong woman I had no real boundaries. Counselling helped me see that.
You sound like you have all of the information and know what you're dealing with. Just beware the hoover. However much you see what they are it's so hard to ignore them when they come crawling back. Please stay strong, your future self will thank you for it 💐

I think its important to remember that these sorts can pretty much manipulate anyone. Just because people get abused, doesn't necessarily mean they had weak boundaries. At least, not in the beginning. They may just have been naieve. Or young.

But these sorts ware down boundaries. They rewrite write and wrong slowly and methodologically until you can no longer think rationally.

If you don't spot them early on, it doesn't matter how strong your boundaries qre. Too much proximity to them for too long and they'll find a way to bulldoze them.

Psychopaths, sociopaths, narcissists...they're all cluster b disorders. All potentially just as dangerous as one another.

@Pinkbonbon absolutely. I guess even now I think that if my boundaries were stronger I wouldn't have been sucked in. In reality I know that it can happen to anyone however strong they are so the op and anyone else should not blame themselves. I saw and dealt with it early but there was already damage done. I cannot imagine living with it for decades.

If you’re on Instagram there’s a really good account to follow - mentalhealnesss is the account (there are three s’s at the end).

He is diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder and is in therapy, but he explains the condition so well and aims to help people who are in a relationship with or leaving a narcissist. His videos made everything click for me when it came to my ex, you may find it helpful x

These people are monsters. They really are

it's cv

@DatingDinosaur
I’ll list:
Aloof
Closed book
Charming/gentleman to a fault
Unfathomable facial expressions / silent scrutiny
Condescending / belittling / persuasive
Seemingly shy
Body language, words and actions don’t match
Some sort of weird sexual magnetism (Narc With A Spark)
My intuition telling me not to “go there”

I married one of these (now divorced) - my only advice is RUN !

I've gone to a and e this morning. Not coping with him on top of everything.

@freshpatchouli Why A&E?

Broken from all his shit (and other stuff). Need some help

My ex husband is and my counsellor said he’s also psychopathic. It’s very damaging and 7 years post divorce I do notice it in others. My mum is narcissistic but in a different way to him. You will need to have no or very limited contact going forward or the damage will continue.

Give me a grandiose narcissist over a covert one anyday, at least I’ll know what I’m dealing with.

Overly modest/self deprecating
Puts a positive shine on their life regardless of what’s happening in it
Loves other peoples negative drama or when bad things happen to others
Words and behaviour never match
Extremely complimentary/love bombing
Blows hot and cold
very very fragile sense of self and low self esteem, needs excessive external validation but pretends they don’t.

In my experience, if you have to Google whether someone is a narcissist it means they usually are.

Can we add jealousy of the list?

I had two overtly narcissisticly behaved parents growing up, but later in life came to rely on two very close people who made me feel shit about myself in all kinds of ways. They were both outwardly humble but would seethe with jealousy if they considered I had outshined them in any way whatsoever. Could NEVER be happy for me and would tell me they were jealous.

Yes. I’ll add to the list.

Jealous and resentful of other people. Everyone’s a moron or a wanker.
Always has to know more or better than anyone else, no matter the topic.
Picks holes and puts a negative spin on everything, just to demonstrate how clever and knowing he is, and of course how facile I/we/other person is.
Rudely micromanages the household over ridiculous things that are none of his business, like putting a wash on or baking a cake.
Is critical, rude, insulting and callous.
Is highly sensitive to his own hurt feelings.
Explosive temper. Tantrums.
Sabotages days out and holidays if they’re not specifically designed around his wants.
Will not participate in anything that he doesn’t feel like doing for anyone else’s sake. Thoroughly resents any expectation to.
Does not express love.
Deflects all responsibility.
Does not apologise for vile behaviour.
Cherry picks household tasks and is furious when asked to do anything else.
Thinks it’s one rule for him and another for everyone else.

To add: to the unassimilated…

Is shy, humble, unassuming.