DH health issue and his reaction

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I've agonised over where to put this. It's not a troll post or one that I'd like mocked. I thought about the Health board but I want traffic.

For way too long now, Ive put up with DH sitting down on the bed when he's changing (so naked) and when he gets up, he leaves a definite faecal stain on the bed. I've told him each time to sort it (change the bedding) but he always laughs it off in a bit of a boorish 'haw haw' laddish manner. I've ignored this and thought, at the start, that it was down to embarrassment, but he doesn't seem embarrassed in the least.

He also has a patch of eczema which he scratches, right at the top of his bum crack and when he sits down to use the loo, he leaves the marks of the wet eczema on the lid and never wipes it off.

Last night, we were childless for a rare night so had gone to dinner. We rarely have sex when the DC are with us - house is tiny, DH is 6'5" and the bed creaks like crazy, I don't like the thought of them hearing us , so last night was a chance for a bit of intimacy. I noticed the same 'stain' on the side where he sits and couldn't have felt
less romantic at that moment.

Probably the wrong thing to do, but I asked him if he was clean, if he'd wiped properly and the mood went quickly down hill. To cover his embarrassment, I asked him if it was possibly a health problem and he exploded, said I'd ruined the moment (yeah pal, never reached the 'moment' thanks all the same) and got so angry that I left and slept in my DD's room.

Today, he's resentful, said that I ruined the night and what on Earth was I thinking. I (again, not wanting to humiliate him) apologised but didn't actually want to say out loud that I was completely turned on off because of his shitty backside. He actually said that he accepted my apology and he's just got on with his day but in a grumpy mood - with me, the cat, the kids.

I've had enough and told him that he should take what I said on the chin and grow up. I said that it was a big deal for me, had been for ages, and that he should 'own' what is happening to his own body.

I don't want to hurt him, but it needed saying. I'm just sick of his reaction - deflecting all the blame on me instead of dealing with his bloody backside!!

He needs to do something about it,surely he knows that!

If he does not realise that he needs to wipe his arse properly it not unreasonable to make the point

To make a stain he either needs to be completely filthy 🤮 Or he is leaking poo and he needs to see a doctor.

Yuk , I think his reaction to it is worse than the event itself . What kind of man expects sex when he's dirty .
You may have to put your foot down and get him to the Dr if it's not a case of not wiping properly. Also the wet eczema needs sorting .

Didn’t we have ‘my husband doesn’t wipe his arse and leaves shit stains in his underwear’ before?

It's such an issue for me but I've been pussy-footing around it for ages because I didn't want to humiliate him. I know he sounds utterly revolting, but he's the cleanest of men usually - showers daily, sometimes twice daily, irons his own shirts, clean shaven, brushes and flosses his teeth (etc.). I just don't get it.

Now he's thrown "you often bleed on the sheets" as a defence (I'm stupidly heavy the last year - my age probably - and despite double padding AND a mooncup at night, I often have an accident).

I would ask on AIBU but I don't think I can cope with the responses.

I would be completely the same as you.

Not something I wanted to search for to be honest, so I have no idea if some poor MN'er has had to put up with this as well.

For the record, I'm not into toilet humour and I absolutely don't want any poo-troll accusations. It got to me majorly last night as I wanted intimacy too and I feel that he thinks that I was trying to get out of it - I definitely wasn't!

We're quite a private couple too so this isn't something I'd dream of trying to discuss with my closest friends. No way.

Quite honestly, I have no where else I can discuss this issue. DH is currently stomping around the house making it plain to all that he's angry.

Thanks Random.

I bet when you leak on the bed you don't sneer at him, expect him to shag you and then get cross when he says he doesn't fancy it.

The kindest thing to say is that maybe he's mortified, embarrassed or terrified and this is his way of avoiding the issue.

Well done speaking up. Keep the pressure on.

I don't. I'm always mortified, change the sheets and apologise!

Yes, your second comment resonates a lot. He's an awful health agoniser and has already snapped that he's the worse person to have things like that pointed out to him (he'll now be planning on being told that he has bowel cancer or scenarios like that).

I've come this far. To hell with it, I'll insist he faces it.

Can you get some moist toilet tissue to make it easier for him to clean there?

Reiterate that you wanted sex as much as he did but it's really off-putting.
Point out that you really do try not to bleed on the sheets but it doesn't seem like he's making equal effort as to you it seems easy to keep your bum clean, but if there's some health issue he's not told you about then you would be more sympathetic.

Is there a male in your family you can confide in or would his dad talk to him?

Would his mum have a chat about its affect on you, the extra washing of bedding & your intimate life?

Most blokes would probably say in their blokish way “Get a grip mate. You need to do something about this. See the doctor!”

No offence but before he met you is it possible he’s ever had anal sex? I have no knowledge of such matters but a friend worked in a sexual health clinic & I believe she said that too much of that can cause anal incontinence?

If it’s established there’s nothing physically wrong then maybe wet wipes in the bathroom would help him cleanse himself properly.

I do hope you can both overcome this issue but he’s got to admit it’s a problem in the first place.

Did you tell him you were worried about his health and you think it is a sign of a more serious issue?

I do think he's completely unreasonable but you probably need to change tact to get him to go to the GP. As his weeping eczema and fecal incontinence isn't normal, and if he cleans his body daily then he shouldn't have that issue.

Btw if he farts he could be following through but not so much he realises he needs the toilet which indicates he has a diet issue. I have intolerances and know other people with them so have learnt to be careful.

@Giveitall I thought of that as well as following through due to diet issues. However I've been told in the past by people who have been carers that it is normally older men and the OP hasn't put the age range of her husband.

Your husband is gross and I would have the Ick. He's just disgusting.

No males in his family and he doesn't have that kind of closeness with his closest male friends.

It's crossed my mind about past sexual experiences, but knowing him, I very much doubt it.

He's late 50's.

Not directly, because I know how much he agonises about his health. Despite never being faced with a serious health crisis, he's played out the most final of scenarios in his head when he's had to visit the doctor about a random mole or some stomach pain (was H.Pylori Bacter but you'd swear he had a terminal illness the way he was acting).

I say that with absolutely no humour at all, by the way. He's a pathological health worrier.

He is very windy. I think that's part of the issue actually.

It's awful that he throws menstrual blood as a defence at you. It's completely different and not something you can help. He however can help what he's doing, and even if it was a health issue, the fact he leaves it and won't clean up after himself, especially if he knows how you feel about it, shows a complete lack of respect for you.

Keep telling him straight that nothing turns you off quicker than realising he's shit himself

This is a weird question but is he a reach behind wiper or a through the legs wiper. The latter can never clean themselves properly imo.

Not sure gamer but because of his sheer size and the smallness of our bathroom, he maybe sitting down.

Actually, I wonder if he's standing up when wiping - that can't be the most effective way either.

Ffs how to broach this conversation with him 😫

Could he have a diet or food intolerance issue?

Maybe install a bidet?