DH health issue and his reaction

[NameChangeForThis3333]

I've agonised over where to put this. It's not a troll post or one that I'd like mocked. I thought about the Health board but I want traffic.

For way too long now, Ive put up with DH sitting down on the bed when he's changing (so naked) and when he gets up, he leaves a definite faecal stain on the bed. I've told him each time to sort it (change the bedding) but he always laughs it off in a bit of a boorish 'haw haw' laddish manner. I've ignored this and thought, at the start, that it was down to embarrassment, but he doesn't seem embarrassed in the least.

He also has a patch of eczema which he scratches, right at the top of his bum crack and when he sits down to use the loo, he leaves the marks of the wet eczema on the lid and never wipes it off.

Last night, we were childless for a rare night so had gone to dinner. We rarely have sex when the DC are with us - house is tiny, DH is 6'5" and the bed creaks like crazy, I don't like the thought of them hearing us , so last night was a chance for a bit of intimacy. I noticed the same 'stain' on the side where he sits and couldn't have felt
less romantic at that moment.

Probably the wrong thing to do, but I asked him if he was clean, if he'd wiped properly and the mood went quickly down hill. To cover his embarrassment, I asked him if it was possibly a health problem and he exploded, said I'd ruined the moment (yeah pal, never reached the 'moment' thanks all the same) and got so angry that I left and slept in my DD's room.

Today, he's resentful, said that I ruined the night and what on Earth was I thinking. I (again, not wanting to humiliate him) apologised but didn't actually want to say out loud that I was completely turned on off because of his shitty backside. He actually said that he accepted my apology and he's just got on with his day but in a grumpy mood - with me, the cat, the kids.

I've had enough and told him that he should take what I said on the chin and grow up. I said that it was a big deal for me, had been for ages, and that he should 'own' what is happening to his own body.

I don't want to hurt him, but it needed saying. I'm just sick of his reaction - deflecting all the blame on me instead of dealing with his bloody backside!!

That is disgusting and is in no way comparable to you having a period leak. I mean if he had Crohn’s disease (which runs in my family) or serious bowel issues and genuinely couldn’t help it then that’s a bit different although you’d expect him to be mortified and clean up after himself but to have nothing wrong except missing the desire to wipe properly and then laughing about it?! Fuck no. I’d never be having sex with him again. Dirty man.

What about puppy pads on his side of the bed (please tell me has his own side?) Disposable, he can see the imprint he deposits before disposing of it and he will be housetrained as well ?

Did you say he had H.Pylori? That can definitely mess your stomach up and could cause leakage. Might be worth investigating that and see if he can resolve it with a gut friendly diet?

That is gross. Perhaps try leaving toilet wet wipes next to the loo to encourage him to try them. If he did he would then definitely see the “matter” being wiped away.

I know they aren’t environmentally friendly but they are effective in proper cleaning of that area.

sometimes I don’t think men are as fastidious as us in cleaning their bum hole and I can certainly see how this is a big turn off. Perhaps wipes in loo and a gentle conversation around the subject.

Wet wipes.

I can't cope now without a final wipe with a wet wipe. No way is anyone clean without one...

"I know this is an uncomfortable subject but there are poo stains on the bedsheets and we need to discuss it. It is not only putting me off intimacy but unhygienic. I know it can't be nice for you to talk about this but it can't go on and either we find a solution, you find a solution or we start sleeping separately because I cant and won't go on pretending like this isn't happening and putting up woth your moods when your poo on my bedclothes makes me not want to have sex"

Honestly? In hindsight, one of the first signs of my husband's bowel cancer was him leaving pronounced skid marks on his underpants. No way was that because he wasn't wiping properly. He was very clean, and he didn't used to leave marks.

If your dh has only been leaving poo marks where he sits, relatively recently, he should get checked out.

I'm sorry to post this, but had we known that this was an indicator, he would have been diagnosed a lot sooner, which would have made a huge difference.

If your dh has always done this, then obviously ignore me.

Good suggestion @Natty13
@friendlycat Wilkinsons do own brand wipes which are non-plastic, flushable, biodegradable and cheap. They are the only ones I buy now.
You shouldn’t have to put up with this @NameChangeForThis3333 . It’s disgusting and whatever his health fears, he’s an adult and needs to take responsibility.
You say he showers but is he one of these men who just stands there, gets a bit wet and then dries himself (instead of washing anything properly)? DH who has used a lot of gym/pool showers says a lot of men are like this, which he finds surprising and yucky.

Thanks for posting this.

I've quoted you to highlight this.

I’d agree with this, my father died of bowl cancer and “leakage” was a early ( and overlooked) sign.
hope it’s not this.

I would broach it along the lines of … you are concerned that you have noticed this and it is relatively new for him.
You have done some investigating and it could be related to his gastritis or it could be food intolerance related. It also could be related to bowel cancer.
Much as he can be a grump, you quite like having him around and you would like for him to have it investigated. You would like for him to be around a lot longer.
Maybe try something like that.
good luck 💐

Surely one of the funniest threads this year. Comedy Gold. Well done OP, has restored my faith in MN. Suggest telling him to wipe his arse properly and forego any pussyfooting around.

Yep, symptoms that could indicate bowel cancer are hysterically funny.

You have a very odd sense of humour

Yeah but you have to see the funny side, no?

Of potential bowel cancer?

Ah he's sharting my sons told me about this. What's his diet, food and drinks

It might be sore for him to wipe his bum if he has eczema, he should get that treated for his own comfort.

I doubt it’s a health problem, it sounds more like a hygiene problem. His tall stature might have something to do with it too when using the bathroom, from what you’ve said.

Since my DH's stroke he often does a less than stellar job of wiping. In a very matter of fact way I started putting a towel on the bed for him to sit on while he dresses and undresses and I said right out that I'd rather wash a towel than change the duvet an extra time. He was a bit hurt but I pointed out that it's not his fault but sometimes he can't tell if he's finished wiping (and sometimes he honestly thinks he's wiped when he hasn't). I don't make a big thing of it but he knows he's not to put his bare bottom on the bed unless the towel is there.

If your DH is healthy but just doesn't wipe properly then either he changes the bed and does the washing several times a week (and goes without sex a lot of the time) or he grows the hell up and wipes his arse properly.

I really don’t think this is because this man doesn’t wipe properly.
If it was, I’d expect the faeces to dry up in him, not be wet enough to then transfer on the bedsheet on a regular basis. (Sorry for TMI)

So I’d say he is leaking faeces. This could be because some sort of incontinence or because he is very badly constipated for example.

He REALLY need to see a GP to check what’s going on. Have a chat with him @NameChangeForThis3333. He needs to be convinced to go, wether it’s a small issue or a big issue.

As an aside, have you noticed any stains on his pants too? This could be pointing out towards a leak too.

I had bowel cancer but definitely had no leakage. Neither did my dad who also had it. I do hope your DH is just a lazy wiper.

Oddly, I also get genital eczema (joy!) and there is a specific cream that the GP can prescribe but that you can't get otc. I recommend your DH see his GP for the eczema and maybe he could just mention the faecal problem to the GP. Do you think he could do that?

Have you not read the posts from people sharing stories of this being a sign of bowel cancer in their loved ones?

Why on earth do you keep laughing all over the thread if so?

It's really mean spirited and unnecessary.