Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help! I want my child’s dad back

89 replies

Laurax12 · 29/05/2022 15:22

Please don’t judge I do enough of this already.
myself and ex partner of 10 years split up last august. We didn’t have a relationship and both stopped trying for years. We didn’t even sleep in the same bed and hadn’t for years nor had sex for years. We had a good life though and the kids seemed happy enough. It wasn’t enough for me. I wanted more, I wanted cuddles kisses and all the relationships stuff I had missed out on for so long. I started speaking to someone and met up with him a few times and ended things with my now ex. The kids were devastated and still my son cries at times saying how much he misses his dad. Things have progressed fairy quick with the new guy I’m with now and iam pregnant. I fully know I want this baby but I’m starting to regret the relationship. Everything he does is grating on me. Even the sound of him eating! Iam starting to miss my ex and how settled life was with him here even though there wasn’t really anything between us. My ex knows I’m pregnant and said he would still come back and raise this baby like his own. My head is all over the place. I hate myself right now. Was you’re thoughts. Please be kind x

OP posts:
Spohn · 29/05/2022 17:46

Wow. You’ve been dating the new guy for 8 months and you moved him in to your kids home? That’s shocking.

Instead of chastising us with cliches like ‘not everything is black and white/not everyone’s lives are perfect/be kind 🥴’ prioritise safeguarding your kids and putting what’s best for them first. Having some bloke moved in to their home is most definitely not, in any way, best for them.

user12312 · 29/05/2022 17:47

@aSofaNearYou thanks for you're kind words. He is a great guy and he absolutely dotes on my kids. They have formed a good relationship with him to. I think some people on this post should thank there lucky stars that they ain't in an impossible situation. We all preach about being kind but when it comes to it well that's a different story. X

user12312 · 29/05/2022 17:48

Spohn · 29/05/2022 17:46

Wow. You’ve been dating the new guy for 8 months and you moved him in to your kids home? That’s shocking.

Instead of chastising us with cliches like ‘not everything is black and white/not everyone’s lives are perfect/be kind 🥴’ prioritise safeguarding your kids and putting what’s best for them first. Having some bloke moved in to their home is most definitely not, in any way, best for them.

That's you're opinion. Thanks for you're input

wellhelloitsme · 29/05/2022 17:58

user12312 · 29/05/2022 17:47

@aSofaNearYou thanks for you're kind words. He is a great guy and he absolutely dotes on my kids. They have formed a good relationship with him to. I think some people on this post should thank there lucky stars that they ain't in an impossible situation. We all preach about being kind but when it comes to it well that's a different story. X

You've been an entirely active participant in all this OP, this hasn't all just happened to you. I appreciate that isn't nice to hear but it's important to be accountable so that you don't keep making decisions that aren't in their best interest. Moving an adult male into your home that quickly is never, ever the right thing to do when you have children.

It sounds like being single for a while would be best for everyone including the kids.

maythe4thbewithme · 29/05/2022 18:02

Sounds like a case of Buyers remorse but this is something you can't return.

Being harsh I would say you've very much made your bed so need to lie in it for a while. You brought this man into your home with a child and now having a baby with him. Lots of pregnant women get the "ick" when pregnant when it comes to their partner - you owe it to the new baby to stick this out. Childrens fathers aren't interchangeable as the mood strikes you

user12312 · 29/05/2022 18:08

@wellhelloitsme you are spot on in what you're saying and I know as the saying goes it takes two to tango. I know I'm not perfect and I'm not pretending to be. Did I ask to end up in this situation no. I was with my ex 10 years and raised 2 kids together. I'm not one for nights out etc. my whole adult life has very much revolved around raising my kids and that will continue. This isn't a case of the typical single mum moving from man to another man and so on. I feel disgusted with myself for ending up in this situation but I have and I'm trying to deal with it as best I can. I feel extremely depressed most days and some days can't even face getting out of bed in the morning but I do and I continue to put a face on for my kids but deep down it's tearing me apart

CPL593H · 29/05/2022 18:09

It sounds like your marriage was dead in the water, so returning to it now won't help. You really rushed things by moving this new guy in with your kids (especially your autistic child) who are still adjusting to their father not being there full time. That was unfair and selfish.

Sorry OP, you don't need people to "be kind" you need to start prioritising your children in your decisions, because you haven't been.

wellhelloitsme · 29/05/2022 18:10

Why did you move him in OP? You need to work that out to ensure you don't do something like that again, something that was so blatantly not in the best interests of your kids.

NerrSnerr · 29/05/2022 18:12

If you decide not to continue your relationship you need to have an extended time alone for yours and your children's sake. Their lives have been turned upside down this last year and it's easy to say that you put your children first but him moving in within months does not suggest this. You barely know him.

user12312 · 29/05/2022 18:12

CPL593H · 29/05/2022 18:09

It sounds like your marriage was dead in the water, so returning to it now won't help. You really rushed things by moving this new guy in with your kids (especially your autistic child) who are still adjusting to their father not being there full time. That was unfair and selfish.

Sorry OP, you don't need people to "be kind" you need to start prioritising your children in your decisions, because you haven't been.

Yeah you're absolutely right

BattenburgDonkey · 29/05/2022 18:18

user12312 · 29/05/2022 17:47

@aSofaNearYou thanks for you're kind words. He is a great guy and he absolutely dotes on my kids. They have formed a good relationship with him to. I think some people on this post should thank there lucky stars that they ain't in an impossible situation. We all preach about being kind but when it comes to it well that's a different story. X

You are not in an impossible situation, you’ve controlled it all along, your ex is in temporary accommodation while the guy you left him for is in your house and your son is heartbroken wanting his dad while your new guy, who you aren’t even sure about, has stepped into his home and his dads role.

You could really do with reminding yourself this is all in your control, you can change it, but the responsibility is huge because of your kids and these men you are messing with. So if you are in control, stop spiralling and think, what’s the best thing to do? I think it’s pretty obvious you should ask the new guy to move back out for now, to give yourself time to process and think, and your kids space to grieve their old lives while you just help them adjust and prepare for your new baby, then when you are on your feet and feeling in control you can decide if you want either man. You aren’t evil or a bad mum but you can’t pretend it’s an impossible situation when you hold all the cards, take control OP.

failingtomatoes · 29/05/2022 18:20

user12312 · 29/05/2022 18:08

@wellhelloitsme you are spot on in what you're saying and I know as the saying goes it takes two to tango. I know I'm not perfect and I'm not pretending to be. Did I ask to end up in this situation no. I was with my ex 10 years and raised 2 kids together. I'm not one for nights out etc. my whole adult life has very much revolved around raising my kids and that will continue. This isn't a case of the typical single mum moving from man to another man and so on. I feel disgusted with myself for ending up in this situation but I have and I'm trying to deal with it as best I can. I feel extremely depressed most days and some days can't even face getting out of bed in the morning but I do and I continue to put a face on for my kids but deep down it's tearing me apart

Nope sorry. You still have zero accountability. You moved him in. You got pregnant. You are contributing to your sons distress. No man should be doting in someone's children after 8 months.

MarmaladeLime · 29/05/2022 18:22

This isn't a case of the typical single mum moving from man to another man and so on what? That isn't what a typical single mum does..

Overthewine · 29/05/2022 18:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

CPL593H · 29/05/2022 18:24

BattenburgDonkey · 29/05/2022 18:18

You are not in an impossible situation, you’ve controlled it all along, your ex is in temporary accommodation while the guy you left him for is in your house and your son is heartbroken wanting his dad while your new guy, who you aren’t even sure about, has stepped into his home and his dads role.

You could really do with reminding yourself this is all in your control, you can change it, but the responsibility is huge because of your kids and these men you are messing with. So if you are in control, stop spiralling and think, what’s the best thing to do? I think it’s pretty obvious you should ask the new guy to move back out for now, to give yourself time to process and think, and your kids space to grieve their old lives while you just help them adjust and prepare for your new baby, then when you are on your feet and feeling in control you can decide if you want either man. You aren’t evil or a bad mum but you can’t pretend it’s an impossible situation when you hold all the cards, take control OP.

Show quote history

Agree with this. If he moves out (even temporarily) it will give you and your kids some space to reset and the chance for you to think about what you actually want.

MarmaladeLime · 29/05/2022 18:33

lunar1 · 29/05/2022 17:31

Please get that man out of your house. Your children were living with their dad less than a year ago.

It's unfair on them, they haven't been given time to adjust to anything.

"That man" is the father of her unborn child. Yes I think it was a bit soon to move him in but she's decided to have a child with him so she must have seen something in him.

Crimeismymiddlename · 29/05/2022 18:34

OP, these posters are being cruel to be kind, you say people should be nice as you are in an impossible situation, but this is a situation of your own making. You complain new baby’s father is immature, but you don’t sound particularly mature ether. Your ex can’t take on the new baby as his own, the baby has a father that you moved into the family home, this whole thing might work out, it might not but you need to take responsibility for it all.
You say you feel sorry for ex as he has nothing to show for you both owning a home, but one day he is going to stop mooning after you and move on, and to do this you will need to sell the family home, have you considered what you are going to do then?

Wor · 29/05/2022 18:35

Hey OP 👋

My feeling is that Mumsnet is not a healthy place for you to be posting right now. There are a lot of mean people on this site and I see that so far on this thread it’s been suggested that a stressed pregnant woman abort her baby and tell her boyfriend to move out 😐

You aren’t going to get good advice here. I’d suggest chatting through with a qualified therapist before making any decisions at all. For what it’s worth:

It’s ok and normal to miss your ex and the stable, familiar life you had with him.

It’s ok and normal to feel irritable with your boyfriend while you’re pregnant and stressed.

It’s ok to worry about the future and not know what to do.

I’d suggest you ask Mumsnet to delete this thread, don’t change anything at all with your life until after the baby is born, see a counsellor, and take things one day at a time.

Good luck, and congratulations on your pregnancy.

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 29/05/2022 18:39

user12312 · 29/05/2022 17:47

@aSofaNearYou thanks for you're kind words. He is a great guy and he absolutely dotes on my kids. They have formed a good relationship with him to. I think some people on this post should thank there lucky stars that they ain't in an impossible situation. We all preach about being kind but when it comes to it well that's a different story. X

You have been an active participant.

Your impossible situation is of your making.

user12312 · 29/05/2022 18:43

Wor · 29/05/2022 18:35

Hey OP 👋

My feeling is that Mumsnet is not a healthy place for you to be posting right now. There are a lot of mean people on this site and I see that so far on this thread it’s been suggested that a stressed pregnant woman abort her baby and tell her boyfriend to move out 😐

You aren’t going to get good advice here. I’d suggest chatting through with a qualified therapist before making any decisions at all. For what it’s worth:

It’s ok and normal to miss your ex and the stable, familiar life you had with him.

It’s ok and normal to feel irritable with your boyfriend while you’re pregnant and stressed.

It’s ok to worry about the future and not know what to do.

I’d suggest you ask Mumsnet to delete this thread, don’t change anything at all with your life until after the baby is born, see a counsellor, and take things one day at a time.

Good luck, and congratulations on your pregnancy.

Thank you I really needed that comment 💗 how do I ask Mumsnet to delete post?
I feel sick to my stomach after some of these comments x

lunar1 · 29/05/2022 18:44

I would be extremely worried about a man I'd known for such a short amount of time doting on my children.

user12312 · 29/05/2022 18:46

@lunar1 could you elaborate on what you mean with this comment?

IncompleteSenten · 29/05/2022 18:47

Your choice isn't new guy or old guy

If it was me, I'd end the new relationship and be single while I worked on myself to become a more confident person.

ladydimitrescu · 29/05/2022 18:48

So you cheated on your ex with new partner. Moved new one in, and 8 months in he's living with you and pregnant. You're now pretty much cheating on him by having discussions with your ex, in which you've discussed him raising this baby as his - which he has NO right to do.
What a complete mess. I'm sorry op but you are greatly mistaken if you don't think this is effecting your children.

ladydimitrescu · 29/05/2022 18:52

user12312 · 29/05/2022 18:46

@lunar1 could you elaborate on what you mean with this comment?

I think what this poster meant, Is it's a red flag for grooming/abuse that a new man is so involved with young children they barely know.