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Original poster

Partner putting work before family life

59 replies

almostsinglemum · 29/05/2022 09:38

As my name change suggests - I feel at times like an almost single mum because my partner is absent so much for work.

I'll try to summarise as briefly as possible...

We have a toddler together who recently turned 1. We also each have older children (secondary school age) from previous relationships - I have one and he has 2 (their ages are 12, 15 & 16).

I work 4 days a week in a stressful mentally and emotionally demanding job. it's a 9-5 and there's flexibility around hours and WFH etc if I need it. My day off is spent at home with our toddler. I also do all nursery drop off and pick ups on account of the nursery being close to my work (which is opposite direction to DP's work).

DP works crazy long shifts at often unsociable hours, including early mornings, late evenings, every other weekend and nights. Some of this he has no say over, it's his allocated shift pattern. Other shifts are extended as overtime (agrees to start earlier or finish later for example). When he starts early morning he has to leave the house at 6.15am, leaving me to sort DD myself before work and get her to nursery etc, which adds stress to my morning. On late finishes, he comes home around 8/9pm, meaning bath and bedtime after work is my responsibility. When he does every other weekend I'm alone with DD doing everything. When he does nights, all the night wake ups are my responsibility (her sleep still isn't great) and if I'm in work the next day I'm so exhausted. (When he's not on nights we split the night wakings).

Anyway .... my issue is that some of these shifts are optional. Yes, the money helps, but he doesn't even discuss it with me in advance a lot of the time so we can mutually agree when overtime will be done to best suit the family. I am constantly saying to him we need to discuss it first so we can balance our financial needs with the practical needs like the support I need at home. I feel like a stuck record as he still mostly does his own thing and works whenever (occasionally he will discuss it with me first but mostly just cracks on).

The other issue is that he has his older kids every other weekend on his weekend off, and due to the age gap between them and our toddler it's not really convenient to do things all together. He would rather take them out places suitable for their ages (which I understand). But it means our family time is again further limited (hence my issue when he extends a shift somewhere where we could have had family time).

This morning he's gone off to yet more overtime (he also worked yesterday). This is supposed to be his weekend off. He has promised he will be home by lunch time to take our toddler swimming. I asked him this morning how he ended up with this particular overtime shift - he said "Boss asked me for a favour so I said yes".
🙄 Great. So boss gets a favour, but the mother of his child just struggles on at home doing everything single handedly.....

I don't know what to do. Im not sure if I'm being unreasonable but he just seems to prefer being at work and to "do them favours" but see me struggling alone with our DD.

Any advice? Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
almostsinglemum · 29/05/2022 09:38

Sorry that was long!

OP posts:
Original poster
almostsinglemum · 29/05/2022 09:41

Also - I don't want to seem ungrateful because the extra money be earns from the overtime massively helps, but I need him home sometimes too. 😔

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 29/05/2022 09:49

Time to put your foot down. He needs to make changes somewhere. Discussing overtime shifts with you should he happening anyway and spending EOW doing something with just his older kids is not reasonable given the context of how little he is involved at home the rest of the time. This is not essential with older kids, btw, he is choosing to do it.

PussInBin20 · 29/05/2022 09:52

Gosh, this sounds a rubbish life for you. I think you need to sit him down and spell it out to him loud and clear that this isn’t on and that you are BOTH parents to your child. When does he expect to be a Dad to your little one?

it does sound like he can’t really be bothered, perhaps because he has done all the parenting for his older kids 🤷‍♀️ and thinks that’s it now.

I would give him an ultimatum. Either he changes or you will leave.

Tell him all the things you do and ask him if this is fair? As you say, why does he do favours for his boss but won’t help parent his own child?

Original poster
almostsinglemum · 29/05/2022 09:52

Thanks @aSofaNearYou

There are weekends where it's all of us together and we try to integrate it but it's hard as their needs are just so different! The elder ones just end up looking bored, so he tends to find something to do with them. I think ideally he would want all of us together but it's hard to find suitable activities. If that makes sense.

OP posts:
Fidgety31 · 29/05/2022 10:00

I’m guessing you knew he had older kids when you met ? Of course he should do stuff to suit then and their ages - the younger one can tag along if need be . But it seems like you only want him to do stuff with the toddler and not really bother with the older ones .
he is probably choosing work over home as it’s less hassle .

aSofaNearYou · 29/05/2022 10:01

almostsinglemum · 29/05/2022 09:52

Thanks @aSofaNearYou

There are weekends where it's all of us together and we try to integrate it but it's hard as their needs are just so different! The elder ones just end up looking bored, so he tends to find something to do with them. I think ideally he would want all of us together but it's hard to find suitable activities. If that makes sense.

Being bored is a part of life, though! If he's barely been around all week then he needs to help with his toddler and they need to cope with being a bit bored.

aSofaNearYou · 29/05/2022 10:02

But it seems like you only want him to do stuff with the toddler and not really bother with the older ones

This is pure projection, she's said absolutely nothing to suggest this.

Original poster
almostsinglemum · 29/05/2022 10:03

The other thing is, on a morning when we are both at work, he needs to leave the house at 7am (on a normal shift) and I leave at 7.15 to drop elder child at bus stop, toddler at nursery, and get myself to work for an 8am start (I work 8-4 by choice to have longer in the evening with toddler before she goes to bed).

So I have a whole 15 minutes extra than him to play with before I need to leave.

He gets himself up, gets himself ready, while I get DD up and dressed and sort her breakfast etc. i get up at 5.30 just to have enough time to get us both ready. What does he do? Gets up with just enough time to get himself ready. When i say "can you do x or y please" he looks at the clock and goes "yeah but I'll have to be quick as I need to leave in x minutes".

🙄🙄

When I point out that I also need to leave at 7.15 and go via a bus stop and a nursery first (my commute is also 45 mins compared to his 15 min commute), he says "yeah but I have to leave earlier than you".

By 15 fucking minutes mate!!! 15 minutes!

Argh. Sorry. I feel better now. 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
almostsinglemum · 29/05/2022 10:03

Fidgety31 · 29/05/2022 10:00

I’m guessing you knew he had older kids when you met ? Of course he should do stuff to suit then and their ages - the younger one can tag along if need be . But it seems like you only want him to do stuff with the toddler and not really bother with the older ones .
he is probably choosing work over home as it’s less hassle .

What?!😂

Are you reading the correct thread.?

OP posts:
Original poster
almostsinglemum · 29/05/2022 10:04

@aSofaNearYou

Thank you. I thought similar but don't want to say it to him and cause an argument

OP posts:
Dinoteeth · 29/05/2022 10:06

Where is your older kid at the weekend?

I totally get that is a hard age gap to manage. I've a 6 year gap, swimming seems to be a favourite at the moment were we can actually do stuff together.

Original poster
almostsinglemum · 29/05/2022 10:08

@Dinoteeth

Alternates being with me and at her dad's EOW.

OP posts:
MissTrip82 · 29/05/2022 10:10

We both do jobs involving resuscitating people so it’s always really easy to prioritise work because it’s literally life-saving. Because we’re both in the same field we can’t ‘trump’ each other with that though. We had to make an agreement about what we would and wouldn’t take on in terms of extra work. We both have limits on additional work.

For a while we even did a time management thing that I read about in a book about work life balance in our profession - we gave each other responsibility for our diaries so we decided
for each other what additional work the other one
would take on. That was a good circuit breaker.

Original poster
almostsinglemum · 29/05/2022 10:13

@MissTrip82

That sounds like a good strategy. I mean, I don't take on extra work so he wouldn't need my diary 😂 but I certainly need to be more involved in his!

Do you have kids, if you don't mind me asking?

OP posts:
Dinoteeth · 29/05/2022 10:15

The reason I asked about your older kid, I was wondering do they get 121 time with you?
Does he take the 3 older children together?

Original poster
almostsinglemum · 29/05/2022 10:19

@Dinoteeth

My eldest honestly gets very little 1-1 time with me since the youngest was born, and I feel really guilty for that. We do things as a 3 when DP is working, but I don't have any childcare for toddler other than DP so there are limited opportunities for eldest and I to have quality time. She's generally happy to tag along to soft play things etc and play with her little sister, but I do feel it's unfair a lot of the time.

He doesn't take my eldest no. Not because he won't, but because she generally doesn't want to go with them. She'd rather be home with me or off out with mates.

OP posts:
KyaClark · 29/05/2022 10:40

You're going to offend single mums. You've still got another pair of hands to help at times and two wages coming in. Single mums don't. You're nothing like a single mum. Threads saying that sort of thing can get heated.

He should be running the extra shifts by you. Are you expected to look after his children at a drop of a hat when he works on his weekends off?

Original poster
almostsinglemum · 29/05/2022 10:44

@KyaClark

I certainly don't mean to offend anyone. I was

a single mum myself for many years to my eldest so I know the struggles trust me! I'm expressing how I feel in a way that makes sense to me. I feel on my own with it a lot of the time. Yes we have 2 wages coming in. I have already acknowledged that that is a huge benefit and that I am grateful for it. But it doesn't negate my feelings on the absence of my partner what feels like an awful lot of the time.

No I don't look after his children. He only has them when he is available to look after them.

OP posts:
Abouttoblow · 29/05/2022 10:48

Fidgety31 · 29/05/2022 10:00

I’m guessing you knew he had older kids when you met ? Of course he should do stuff to suit then and their ages - the younger one can tag along if need be . But it seems like you only want him to do stuff with the toddler and not really bother with the older ones .
he is probably choosing work over home as it’s less hassle .

What?
This is the most batshit interpretation of a post I've seen on here in a long time.

Sirzy · 29/05/2022 10:53

Surely you can go somewhere for the older 3 and then the toddler tag along for now?

the overtime issue depends how much you need the money really. If he didn’t do it would you be able to live?

Original poster
almostsinglemum · 29/05/2022 10:59

@Sirzy

If he did no overtime at all we'd be just paying our bills with very little over.

We can manage comfortably and have a bit money to put away for savings / holidays etc on around 50-60% of the overtime he is currently doing. The current level of overtime means we are more than comfortable.

But to me, there's a balance to be had. More hands on support at home and family time would mean more to me than the extra money at this point.

OP posts:
Original poster
almostsinglemum · 29/05/2022 10:59

He is essentially almost doubling his take home salary with the overtime he's doing currently.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 29/05/2022 11:08

Could you compromise and say he has to be home normal time twice a week and one full weekend a month as a minimum?

Put those set days in a calendar. Any days he agrees to work overtime he comes home in his lunch break and prepares dinner or gets up early and gets LO ready for nursery?

Crikeyalmighty · 29/05/2022 11:09

All I can say is if you end up as a single mum you will still be doing it all with a lot less money probably-- so there are really only a few ways around this- you do less hours- he does less hours, but earns less or he finds a job that doesn't involve shift work- or you pay and get more help in, if it's that you personally want more childfree time though buying in services (unless it's an au pair/nanny probably won't help. I was married to a shift worker who did a lot of overtime, so I made it clear I would only be doing 3 days a week as I had far more childcare responsibilities and I kept it that way right until we separated when kids were 8 and 6