Partner putting work before family life

[almostsinglemum]

As my name change suggests - I feel at times like an almost single mum because my partner is absent so much for work.

I'll try to summarise as briefly as possible...

We have a toddler together who recently turned 1. We also each have older children (secondary school age) from previous relationships - I have one and he has 2 (their ages are 12, 15 & 16).

I work 4 days a week in a stressful mentally and emotionally demanding job. it's a 9-5 and there's flexibility around hours and WFH etc if I need it. My day off is spent at home with our toddler. I also do all nursery drop off and pick ups on account of the nursery being close to my work (which is opposite direction to DP's work).

DP works crazy long shifts at often unsociable hours, including early mornings, late evenings, every other weekend and nights. Some of this he has no say over, it's his allocated shift pattern. Other shifts are extended as overtime (agrees to start earlier or finish later for example). When he starts early morning he has to leave the house at 6.15am, leaving me to sort DD myself before work and get her to nursery etc, which adds stress to my morning. On late finishes, he comes home around 8/9pm, meaning bath and bedtime after work is my responsibility. When he does every other weekend I'm alone with DD doing everything. When he does nights, all the night wake ups are my responsibility (her sleep still isn't great) and if I'm in work the next day I'm so exhausted. (When he's not on nights we split the night wakings).

Anyway .... my issue is that some of these shifts are optional. Yes, the money helps, but he doesn't even discuss it with me in advance a lot of the time so we can mutually agree when overtime will be done to best suit the family. I am constantly saying to him we need to discuss it first so we can balance our financial needs with the practical needs like the support I need at home. I feel like a stuck record as he still mostly does his own thing and works whenever (occasionally he will discuss it with me first but mostly just cracks on).

The other issue is that he has his older kids every other weekend on his weekend off, and due to the age gap between them and our toddler it's not really convenient to do things all together. He would rather take them out places suitable for their ages (which I understand). But it means our family time is again further limited (hence my issue when he extends a shift somewhere where we could have had family time).

This morning he's gone off to yet more overtime (he also worked yesterday). This is supposed to be his weekend off. He has promised he will be home by lunch time to take our toddler swimming. I asked him this morning how he ended up with this particular overtime shift - he said "Boss asked me for a favour so I said yes".
🙄 Great. So boss gets a favour, but the mother of his child just struggles on at home doing everything single handedly.....

I don't know what to do. Im not sure if I'm being unreasonable but he just seems to prefer being at work and to "do them favours" but see me struggling alone with our DD.

Any advice? Thank you.

I think it's commendable in some ways that he's trying to contribute financially as much as he is (I now earn more than my partner doing two jobs compressed hours so off one day a week). My partner has sat In the same job doing minimum full time hours not progressing at all. He barely leaves the house working from home. He does help and does most of the drop offs but sometimes I wish he'd have the ambition to earn more money and it's making me resentful...it's hard to get the right balance in relationships. Maybe he thinks about parenting as being a provider only? Could you suggest a holiday together where you'd get to experience more family time without the distraction of work?

This, so much this. Sounds like he is been driven by a fragile sense of male pride and his ego can't take you earning more

You have two problems that are similar but seperate:

1. Your DH is prioritising over time over you and your family. It some instances, that may be reasonable because as a family you need the money. In others, it's not. He is also not making this a communal discussion. this needs to stop. In our case, Dh and I agreed certain times he absolutely CANNOT accept overtime and other times he can accept it in discussion with me and then a final batch he can accept whenever he likes. Works for us (mostly)
2. He sees the childcare as your problem. If you're both leaving the house at similar times, it is ridiculous that you get up much earlier in order to manage all the chores. So you should be getting up a bit later and he should be getting up a bit earlier, and the work should be split between you.

My husband of nearly 10 years (relationship of 18 years) and I have two kids (teen and pre teen) both with additional needs in various forms.
We have a very difficult balancing act in life to contend with. As I said our children have additional needs and I also have chronic limiting health problems so I can only work permitted hours when my health allows me.
The above isn't the problem though.
The issue is his Mam.
She is on her own and has been since her and my OH Dad seperated when he was about 7....it's going on for 40 years now.
His Mam lived about 10 mile away from us when we first got together and it was pleasant and we'd see her about once a week. No kids in the mix at that point.
Then we had our kids and we moved to where we are now...then she followed so now literally lives around the corner. She worked and was pretty fit and healthy but since retiring her health seems to have declined and she heavily relies on my OH for everything.
I feel, no, I know that she can do more than she makes out and think she keeps him tied there for company. Her health issues seem to be exaggerated when I'm at my worst and it seems she doesn't like it when he's more tied up at home.
She even went as far as buying him a classic car as she has a garage so he would store it there and he's there working on it all the time. But, beside that, he goes to the shops for her, gives her lifts everywhere, takes her out when she wants and he is literally at her beck and call. Even silly things like she couldn't get her dog collar unfastened (it wasn't on her dog at the time) and she just expects him to be there.
She seems to be so dependant on him now and it's making me miserable. Our relationship is suffering as I don't see much of him anyhow as he works 14 hour days and 4 days a week. Then when he is off, he's doing things for her.

I have a long term chronic illness and feel he needs to be here more to help.
I've tried to speak about this before and he says I'm controlling what he does and when he goes. Am i in the wrong to think that it's reasonable for him to visit her just once a week? What is a normal amount of times for a full time working dad and husband? We also have a new house and we'll be moving in 4 weeks time (same distance from hers) But she still expects him to go and paint her fence, put shelves up etc
I just feel he prioritises her over our family and he worries she's on her own, but he has a sister too who could see her but she barely bothers and I think because she's around the corner it's just more of a convenience thing that she thinks he can nip in whenever she wants him to or he feels he has to do that as well.
She doesn't do much herself. Watches TV, has a dog which she also relies on him to take to the vets and go and buy the dog food. It's just too much for me but I need to word this right to him so he can see my point and not get his back up with me and think I'm controlling him.
Any advice and help would be much appreciated.

Sorry I've replied to your post instead of writing a post...totally accidental sorry x

Totally unreasonable he’s just dumping all the childcare on you. You need to sit him down for a proper chat. Agree on a sensible amount of overtime. Let him know you want more family time, but you also want some time to spend with your eldest. He gets to take his eldest out, whilst you look after the toddler, he needs to look after toddler whilst you and your DD have some quality time together. It sounds like your eldest is the one missing out the most since the toddler came as his eldest still get age related activities but your child would rather be doing it with you. You need to push him on this. Many men will just carry on doing extra work to avoid caring for young kids, unless they are forced to. So bloody hard for women to have a career and a family when men always think we are the default childcare position.

Ok so I have a question.
I have 2 children from a previous relationship that I have been taking to their dads every 2 weeks on a Saturday and he or his fiancé bring them back on the Sunday. I travel with them on the train and it takes about 3 hours return journey. On the odd occasion it takes longer or wait times are ridiculous my current partner will take them in the car. This is a 2 hour return trip. If for whatever reason I can’t get them to their dads then he refuses to come and see them/get them.
I have a young child with my current partner and I’m pregnant with his 2nd. In the new year I am planning on telling my ex partner that he will have to travel to see my 2 eldest as I don’t think it is fair that I will have to travel all that way with a toddler and a newborn and I don’t believe my 2 youngest should be travelling all that way either. My current partner will be working more so will be unavailable to take the eldest to their dads. Am I right to say this? I feel he is just going to refuse to see them unless I bring them as he currently does this anyway.

He needs to run the overtime by you first. The issue here sounds like it’s communication in my opinion. I think you need to be assertive with him and communicate that you need more help at home with your toddler, and that he needs to balance that with contributing financially.

I would focus on that first and foremost. Maybe agree a structure / routine that works for both of you with the flexibility that he can pick up some overtime when he wants to, but he does need to discuss it with you…

As for the weekends… he does need to prioritise his elder children. Particularly if he only sees them every other weekend. That’s really important. Perhaps suggest he do something with them on the Saturday for example so that they spend time with their Dad (important) but then on Sunday you all spend time together. Sunday walk? Go out for a roast? Movies and games at home?

that way there’s a bit of balance x